One of my neighbours has reported us to social services

[LittleTopic]

And I’m absolutely fuming.

Quick background - DH is furloughed and at home with 14 month old DD. I’m working full time (key worker). A neighbour has called SS to say that DD is screaming all day and that she is dirty and never dressed. So I got a phone call yesterday to ask me about it.

DD has been unsettled for the last week as she has four teeth coming through. She spent most of last week in a nappy in her paddling pool because of the heat (it was 34c here) and DH also strips her off when she invariably gets lunch down her clothes. She likes to run away at that point! More often than not, she has crushed tomatoes or blueberries around her face which we can scrub off in the pool or when she’s distracted.

Anyway, I had a chat with SS and they said everything sounded normal and they’re closing the case down with no action or home visit. But I am so utterly furious. I think I know which neighbour it is and whilst we are not friends, as we are with our neighbours either side, we say hello when we see each other and take parcels in etc. DH is devastated as he adores DD and is now too upset to play with her in the garden in case he’s being watched. He’s been a stay at home dad for months now and has been fantastic, and one malicious act has knocked all his confidence.

Ugh, just needed to vent. Does a happy child in a nappy really sound so bad?! I’m also really concerned that these people will keep making complaints, if they’ve done so once before, and we’ll end up with a bigger issue on our hands

[Cherrysoup]

He must be understandably upset, but he needs to carry right on having fun with her in the garden. He can’t let himself be intimidated by these losers.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

I'm sure this isn't the case here, but I have a bil and sil who massively neglect their children, but they would also be horrified if anyone reported them, because they think they are great parents. Social services are actually involved with them, but I still don't think they can see why.

[ElsieMc]

Dont want to worry you op, but you have decided who has reported you and it may well not be them. Sometimes it is those you feel are the least likely. Many years back, a near neighbour stormed round and accused me of complaining to the Council about her dog barking continually. Yes, it did bark, but I was sufficiently far enough away for it to be a minor matter. But her ndn, who was her friend, had accosted me (she was attached to their house) and asked if I found it annoying.

She was very abusive towards me and said her dog didn't bark. I said that was unusual for a dog and if she was out at work how on earth did she know if it barked or not. She did not like me anyway and wanted it to be me. I calmly told her that she wanted it to be me and she may well find it was a whole lot closer to home.

She then went and blamed my other neighbour. Who gave her short shrift. I eventually got a belated apology.

Sorry your poor dh has been accused like this. Even though mine was a lot less serious, its still horrible. Put it out of your mind now.

We knew who it was because she also reported it to the parish council and my other neighbour's dh sat on the Council. Dont be too sure about who reported. If I have missed something as I have not read the whole thread, I apologise.

[Aventurine]

It must have been distressing being reported. Teething is painful so your dc will be upset, but as long as you are giving painkillers to treat the pain, Calpol etc (our pharmacist said painkillers are the only thing that really work for teething) there's not much else you can do.

[Aventurine]

By you i mean your husband or you when you're home

[fortyfifty]

"Well it's a good thing isn't it? They saw something that concerned them and reported their concerns. How you explain it sounds like nothing - hope your neighbour perceived it , maybe not"

Did they see something that concerned them or are they falsely judgemental on the basis they are the type who think men can't (shouldn't?!) look after their kids? Or from a generation who think anything less than clean clothes and washed faces at all times is slovenly?

[StressedMom4]

@LittleTopic how awful! Your poor husband as well, he shouldn't be made to feel bad by some neighbours.

My 10 month old daughter spends more time in her nappy then she does clothes. There's not much point me dressing her to be honest if we don't plan on leaving the house or garden. It feels like she's been teething and drooling since 3 months old, and she doesn't even need food around her to make a mess of her clothes.

Shame on that neighbour but at least SS saw sense.

[LittleTopic]

@ElsieMc think it got lost further up thread but the way our street is laid out, only three neighbours can see into our garden. One has moved out temporarily to care for her mum and has been back fleetingly. The second is in hospital with COVID, and the third (who I suspect) are both home all day every day. The call with SS mentioned specific concerns about her being in the garden, so it can’t be anyone else and I assume the report was made fairly recently as I can’t see they would leave it that long.

[Itwasntme1]

If they had genuine, but clearly misplaced concerned then no harm done.

But if it was malicious then shame on them for wasting precious resources designed to protect children.

[IrishMamaMia]

@plunkplunkfizz they're neighbours, they can you know, use communication skills. We support each other where I live and it's understood that we're all going through a difficult time at the moment. I would personally check a bit further before getting SS involved and wasting their time.

[HappyHammy]

I can see how upsetting this would be but you need to carry on with your lives and have fun out in the garden. Can you see the neighbours, can you wave at them? I would feel a bit uncomfortable if I thought they were looking out their upstairs windows into my garden to check on what's going on. Could you put up a big parasol for shade for lo to eat their food in the cool and put a bib on, if lo doesn't like having to take their top off when eating can it just be left on. Could you screen the paddling pool somehow with another parosol, that's if the sun comes out again.

[Saladmakesmesad]

If you trust your DH implicitly, then fair enough, but I think I'd take the opportunity to have a chat together about it and make sure that your DD is getting the same level of care from both of you.

This. Perhaps he’s not coping as well as he’d like you to think.

[TheStuffedPenguin]

[quote Genevieva]@TheStuffedPenguin People should not call social services because they are worried about whether their neighbours have put enough suncream on their toddler. It is none of their business. Social Services exist to deal with extreme situations when a child is at risk. If a child presents in A&E with severe sunburn then doctors can make a referral. It is more than likely the the OP has a nosey busybody neighbour who should be told to mind their own business and not bother Social Services with their petty 'tip offs'. I have never come across this in real life, but it appears to be remarkably common on Mumsnet. Every time someone makes a malicious or stupid report SS have to follow it up, which is time they could have been using to focus on children who need their attention. I think repeat offenders should be find for wasting their time.[/quote]
The person may have been a bit more concerned about the length of time in the pool for "most of the week" . I personally wouldn't have a 14 month old out in the sun so long that suncream has to be applied every two hours and for "most of the week" so perhaps this person thought that . I'm making a suggestion as to why this person called.

[Russiandolleyes]

I have a 15-month old DD and she's been dressed very little in the very hot weather too - it's important to keep them comfortable when it's 32 degrees outside! We try to stay indoors in the middle of the day when it's very hot but she loves to potter around outside and is very vocal if she wants the older DC to come out to join us or to pick tomatoes or whatever. Not screaming, but it sounds like yours isn't either.
I would be upset too, OP. Try to reassure your DH that they are the ones with the problem.

[RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling]

If the neighbour was worried they were right to make a report.

If all is well with your dd, social services were right to check it out then close the case.

In your shoes, I'd be stressed and upset, and hurt at being misunderstood, but that doesn't change the fact that neighbour and social services did the right thing.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I'm sure this isn't the case here, but I have a bil and sil who massively neglect their children, but they would also be horrified if anyone reported them, because they think they are great parents. Social services are actually involved with them, but I still don't think they can see why.

I work with a lot of families with SWs. Practically none of them acknowledge why.

[mamasiz]

@TheStuffedPenguin Just saying - social services are also there to support families in much less dire circumstances - it’s not always the extreme end/safeguarding. It’s true, there is less early intervention these days mostly due to cuts to essential services like SureStart and other council run organisations/family support teams, but a vast majority of families known to social services will receive support under section 17 of the Children Act - section 47 procedures are only begun when there is significant risk of harm or actual significant harm. OP - crack on with what you are doing, and don’t let this upset you too much. As another poster had said, if there is another report (and sadly, yes, some referrals are malicious) then social services will be able to join up the dots and see what is really happening. It’s a great shame your neighbour couldn’t approach you to see if you needed support rather than just reach fir their phone. Take care x

[biglouis]

"there are only three neighbours who could possibly see into our garden, I have a fair idea of who it is."


I would find a way to pay her back because I hate grassers. But not by confronting her.


A friend of mine were grassed to the DWP for supposedly not being as disabled as she had reported. Fortunately she was able to prove in the interview that the report was malicious. The interviewer let slip something that was a pretty broad hint of where the report had come from. The couple were popular and pretty soon the word that XX was a grass had got around the neighbourhood. The snitch and his family then had 6 months of constant harassment before they sold up and left.

[Kittykat93]

I find it quite concerning social services just had a quick phone call then took no further action, what if you actually were abusing your child?? But yanbu to be annoyed op, but just try to put it behind you. As long as you know you're looking after your daughter properly you don't need to worry.

[saraclara]

@biglouis

"there are only three neighbours who could possibly see into our garden, I have a fair idea of who it is."

I would find a way to pay her back because I hate grassers. But not by confronting her.

A friend of mine were grassed to the DWP for supposedly not being as disabled as she had reported. Fortunately she was able to prove in the interview that the report was malicious. The interviewer let slip something that was a pretty broad hint of where the report had come from. The couple were popular and pretty soon the word that XX was a grass had got around the neighbourhood. The snitch and his family then had 6 months of constant harassment before they sold up and left.

A hint isn't enough to justify vigilantism. In fact nothing justifies neighbourhood vigilantism.

[LittleTopic]

@TheStuffedPenguin

The sun cream bottle says to reapply every 1-2 hours, so I don’t think that’s a reflection on the length of time she was outside being excessive. Half the garden is in the shade, so she’s shaded anyway and we make sure she’s always got sun cream on if she’s outside, regardless of time.

Ugh, and now I am doing exactly what I knew would happen and justifying my parenting when I know there’s no issue with that.

I’m obsessive about sun safety so DH would have been doing it more often than necessary to be safe. And again, SS didn’t mention anything to me about being in the sun or sun protection, or even being in the pool, so I don’t think it can have been raised by the person complaining. I would have thought that if that was a concern of whoever called, SS would have asked the direct question to me, and possibly given some advice on sun safety?

[LittleTopic]

@biglouis I’d missed your comment but that’s horrible. There’s no way I’m going to say anything to the neighbours anyway, even if I got 100% concrete proof, why give them a legitimate complaint by being aggressive or confrontational?

[Babesinthewud]

Aww OP no wonder you feel like crying, I would feel the same.

Try to move on from it though. Thankfully SS didn’t take it seriously so that’s the end of it as far as they’re concerned.

You sound like a great mum and sadly, there’s always twattie faces ready to makes you feel shit- simply because they can!

[laidbacklife]

Are they parents themselves? If they've not ever had children then they probably have no clue about teething. Or if they're elderly, they've probably forgotten exactly what it's like.

I wouldn't necessarily think the worst of them. If it wasn't malicious then all they actually thought was that they had your child's best interest at heart, which is no bad thing from neighbours!

If you can put it all behind you could you perhaps mention to them that you think they may have had concerns and that, in turn, worried you and your DH? Then just explain about the teething and hot weather and that it's just a phase and your DD will soon have her teeth through and feel much happier for it.

If they reported you through genuine concern then they'll be relieved to get the full background. If it was malicious on their part then you'll know by their reaction (ie. mainly thinking about themselves and not showing much concern for your DD!). It's an awkward situation but you've nothing whatsoever to hide and your DH certainly shouldn't feel despondent. Good luck!