One of my neighbours has reported us to social services

[LittleTopic]

And I’m absolutely fuming.

Quick background - DH is furloughed and at home with 14 month old DD. I’m working full time (key worker). A neighbour has called SS to say that DD is screaming all day and that she is dirty and never dressed. So I got a phone call yesterday to ask me about it.

DD has been unsettled for the last week as she has four teeth coming through. She spent most of last week in a nappy in her paddling pool because of the heat (it was 34c here) and DH also strips her off when she invariably gets lunch down her clothes. She likes to run away at that point! More often than not, she has crushed tomatoes or blueberries around her face which we can scrub off in the pool or when she’s distracted.

Anyway, I had a chat with SS and they said everything sounded normal and they’re closing the case down with no action or home visit. But I am so utterly furious. I think I know which neighbour it is and whilst we are not friends, as we are with our neighbours either side, we say hello when we see each other and take parcels in etc. DH is devastated as he adores DD and is now too upset to play with her in the garden in case he’s being watched. He’s been a stay at home dad for months now and has been fantastic, and one malicious act has knocked all his confidence.

Ugh, just needed to vent. Does a happy child in a nappy really sound so bad?! I’m also really concerned that these people will keep making complaints, if they’ve done so once before, and we’ll end up with a bigger issue on our hands

[Etinox]

@Dowermouse

DH needs to nut up and carry on as normal. "his confidence has been knocked"? Poor delicate creature. Men don't usually suffer this kind of blow to their ego without the wife having to pick up the pieces.

Blimey, massive projection there. And unkind.

[formerbabe]

There is a certain type of person who really thinks cleanliness and silence is optimal in terms of children. A very elderly woman stopped me in the street once to compliment me on how clean my baby looked. Now take noisiness and a bit of dirt...perfectly normal in toddlers combined with a sahd and many would be reaching for the smelling salts.

[CustardySergeant]

"Just a thought - was your child protected from the sun if she spent"most of the week" in her paddling pool ? Maybe that is what neighbour was concerned about ?"

That was my thought too.

[IncrediblySadToo]

((BIG HUG))

What nasty people.

At least SS were reasonable about it. (Pleases for you, but I'm a little concerned how easily they've dismissed it, what if the child was being neglected/abused?!).

I have a neighbour that causes problems like this, he's pleasant to people's faces then butches/reports behind their backs. (Not about children, but other things). It does impact the way you feel, because you just want to avoid the hassle. But I hope you can both get past it because your DD needs to play in the garden Can you put up anything to obscure their view a bit?

Don't worry about her grizzling/crying If it's from her teeth hurting. They'll just have to get over it. It would be different if she was misbehaving it DH was ignoring her.

Please try to reassure DH he should carry on as before...DD is more important than stupid neighbours.

If he stays inside, or hoses her down & dresses her before going out & doesn't let her play in the paddling pool etc. Then it's DD & him who miss out 😢

Don't let the bastards grind you down.

If I saw them, I'd say something.

🌷

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Your dh sounds like he is doing a grand job and he should just continue. Your child sounds like she has had a brilliant few days.

Fuck the nosy twatty neighbours.

[LittleTopic]

@TheStuffedPenguin - yep, factor 50 every two hours, sun hat, and her pool is in the shaded bit of the garden. That also wasn’t a concern raised on the call; I imagine they would have asked about sun protection if it was part of it?

@formerbabe I do wonder. The concerns were very much “the father” - nothing about me being there, which obviously I am evenings and weekends and she cries with me too when she’s upset. I was at home with DD for 9 months and she did more screaming and crying then, being a baby, and nothing was said.

[FunTimes2020]

@Dowermouse

DH needs to nut up and carry on as normal. "his confidence has been knocked"? Poor delicate creature. Men don't usually suffer this kind of blow to their ego without the wife having to pick up the pieces.

That's uncalled for. I doubt you would say this this if it was a woman who had said her confidence has been knocked

[Mammatino]

Try to calm down and put it behind you. Just parent your child as you are doing, keeping them safe, fed, clean and happy. I know it has upset you but your neighbours reported from a little snapshot of your life and got it wrong. Unfortunately there are too many times people don’t report when they should because they don’t want to get involved. Hold your heads up and forget it.

[Frazzled2207]

what a horrid thing to happen. However, was your child protected from the sun in the paddling pool? It really was very hot in the sun. Also their concerns about your dd 'screaming all day' - was that a supreme overreaction do you think? Because if she really was screaming all day I'd be concerned too.

[Genevieva]

@TheStuffedPenguin People should not call social services because they are worried about whether their neighbours have put enough suncream on their toddler. It is none of their business. Social Services exist to deal with extreme situations when a child is at risk. If a child presents in A&E with severe sunburn then doctors can make a referral. It is more than likely the the OP has a nosey busybody neighbour who should be told to mind their own business and not bother Social Services with their petty 'tip offs'. I have never come across this in real life, but it appears to be remarkably common on Mumsnet. Every time someone makes a malicious or stupid report SS have to follow it up, which is time they could have been using to focus on children who need their attention. I think repeat offenders should be find for wasting their time.

[Genevieva]

fined

[ScrimpshawTheSecond]

Obviously you're fab parents and doing a great job.

I can imagine how hurtful and upsetting that would be, but when I've thought about these things afterwards, I'd rather some parents were upset by over-zealous people calling in their concerns than some children being neglected/abused/suffering because of people being too afraid to call/not wanting to interfere.

Sending you best wishes, hope you and your DH feel better soon .

[formerbabe]

Social services would have to investigate every family if we all reported toddlers crying with food on their face.

[strandedatthedrivein]

Oh gosh, that's awful for you. My 2YO lives in his nappy when it's warm and is in and out the house in bare feet all the time. He's filthy by the end of the day but happier then if I made him put shoes on every time he went in the garden!

Also at 14 months aren't kids quite screamy as they are trying to communicate what they want before they can speak properly?

Please try and ignore it, I'm sure your DH is a good parent. A lot of people are stuck at home bored and have a lot more time to complain it seems.

[LastTrainEast]

OP you are doing nothing wrong and clearly SS could see that. They probably have a note now that the neighbour is a nuisance caller.

But no it's not a "good thing" to report someone to the SS for normal child activity which that was. It can have serious consequences.

Perhaps neighbour doesn't have kids so doesn't understand how parenting works, but then they should be aware of their ignorance. Most likely they don't like the sound of children and did it from spite.

[BiggerBoat1]

It is right for neighbours to contact Social Services if they have concerns, but it does sound as if in this case they were a bit hasty.

No harm done though. Social Services have done their job. Move on.

[SunbathingDragon]

Maybe what you’ve described as unsettled is what they would describe as screaming all week and were worried. I’ve got a similar aged toddler so whilst the lack of clothes in heat isn’t a concern, and nor is food round the mouth, I can see how the overall picture could be misinterpreted.

I can see why you are seeing it as malicious interfering but if they did have genuine concerns, it’s right that they follow up on that. SS have contacted you and closed the case. If they get further calls, and you feel it’s necessary, you can look to speak to them to say you believe it’s a way of harassing you.

I think your DH should continue exactly as he has been. After all, SS has confirmed they have no concerns and by changing the behaviour it could give the impression that it was wrong.

[StatementKnickers]

SS is an overreaction but even if the paddling pool's in the shade, a UV sunsuit over her nappy would be a good idea (Lidl has nice ones this week for £4.99), and she should have her face wiped and suncream put on it before going outside after lunch.

[81Byerley]

I was a foster carer, and dealt with many ill treated and neglected children. Your daughter sounds like a delight, and your husband sounds like he's doing a great job. I also used to strip babies off to feed them, and like your little girl, they often stayed like that. It's normal for children to like being without clothes, especially in the hot weather. My two year old Granddaughter regularly strips off, winter and summer, and on one occasion my daughter found her outside naked apart from her wellies, feeding the hens...in early March! She is in no way neglected and neither is your little girl. Give your husband a big hug and tell him not to take notice of some small minded busy body.

[Belleende]

My two are usually buck naked, covered in bruises and whatever that last food stuff they had. Last week, we even drank a beer in the sun in the garden and ignored them for ten minutes as they had a naked and noisy dance. Seen through certain eyes that could have been SS fodder. Head up and carry on.

[FlamedToACrisp]

Does a happy child in a nappy really sound so bad?!

But it's not a happy child they reported - it's a screaming child. You are there on the spot. You know why the child is screaming and you can take action to put things right, or you can decide no action is needed as everything is OK and she's just making a fuss. Your neighbour doesn't know that - for all they know you could be torturing her three times a day - and is utterly powerless to do anything or interfere in any way except phone SS.

I asked on here about my neighbour's child who screamed a lot and was told it was normal and not to interfere. So I took no action. She still screams a lot, and every time I hear it I want to boot in the door and take the child away to safety, but I grit my teeth and just hope she is, in fact, all right.

An occasional friendly chat over the fence about why your child was screaming ("Sorry about all the screaming last night. Can you believe it, all that fuss was because I put too much toothpaste on her toothbrush!") would help to relieve your neighbour's concerns.

You may think, correctly, that it's none of their business and you don't have to explain yourself, but we are all human beings and we care if a child is being hurt. If we're reassured that they're not - well, we don't phone Social Services.

[Smartanimal]

I think it’s your child screaming all day that pulled the trigger.

[PenelopePitstop49]

If you trust your DH implicitly, then fair enough, but I think I'd take the opportunity to have a chat together about it and make sure that your DD is getting the same level of care from both of you.

It's all very well being pissed off at the NDN who reported it, but let's be honest, if a child was crying and screaming enough to make someone feel they needed to report it, I'd say there is a potential issue. Don't be blinkered by your anger with the NDN.

[81Byerley]

At the same time, I would never criticize a concerned adult for reporting worries about a child.

[Hugglespuffed]

I can totally understand how upsetting it must be to be the innocent ones who have had a call. But I have to say, a child screaming all day would be a concern to me (I work with children so I know how little ones can be) they were obviously concerned and I am glad that there are neighbours looking out for children. In your case it was fine but what if it was another child screaming and in a nappy all day? What if a neighbour just thought 'oh that's what toddlers do' but what if that child was being abused?