Mum says I caused her divorce and I’m going to cause my own divorce too

[Molocosh]

My mum has told me I caused her divorce and if I don’t look sharp I’ll end up divorcing my own husband for the same reason.

My son (age 2) doesn’t sleep, never has. He never goes to sleep until at least 10-11pm, sometimes after midnight. We have no child free time without him. Each night one of us takes him to bed at 8pm and has to stay there for hours while the other watches tv downstairs then goes to bed alone. When he wakes up during the night I get in his bed with him and end up falling asleep. My mum often jokes that he’s her revenge on me because I never slept either.

Unsurprisingly we don’t get the chance to cuddle or kiss or have sex, or even make eye contact and talk, because we constantly have a child with us. Apparently he’s been whinging that I don’t have time for him. So my mum has told me that my dad used to say the same thing, and then he divorced her. She said I destroyed their relationship because I didn’t sleep for several years so they had no adult time together.

Needless to say I feel like shit because I’ve been told that I caused my parents’ divorce. And now I’m worried about my own marriage because I thought we were coping the best we can with a crap situation - but he’s obviously unhappy and I don’t see what I can do about it? I have a child glued to me round the clock and I have no choice about that?

One of my children did not sleep through the night until she was 7 years old. At one point I moved her cot 2 floors away from me so could not hear her at night.

sweetmother that is such calm rational fantastic advice im not a mother but i stood up at your level headedness well done you

So you don’t have time for your husband. Where is his time for you then? Clearly he can’t get your child to sleep to make time together any more than you can. This is not your sole responsibility/fault! Ignore your mother and talk to your husband would be my suggestion. Also a bit random but check the size of his tonsils and listen to him when he sleeps for breathing pauses. My son had sleep apnea and didn’t sleep till his tonsils were removed at 3.

@PrincessHoneysuckle No stories?! Your poor kid that sounds a little cold.
There‘s a middle ground OP. I’ve had bad sleepers too but there is a way out of it gradually and gently. Get professional help, that routine can’t be good for your marriage.
Tell your mum to but out too!

My DS didn't sleep, we never did crack it. He's older now and still doesn't sleep but does at least go to his room at bedtime and read or draw till he's tired.

But, why are you taking him to bed at 8pm every night and wasting all that time if he doesn't sleep? My DS didn't sleep till about 10:30pm, so I didn't take him up till about 10pm. No point sitting in a dark room for hours with a child who you know isn't going to sleep!

I used to take him shopping with me to the supermarket between 8 and 9pm as the supermarket was quiet then and he liked being in the trolley. MIL was shocked by this haha! She was convinced he wasn't sleeping because we kept him up late, not the other way round, and that I just needed to rock him more. Until she babysat for him and discovered no, it wasn't just lack of effort on my part!

My DS has been diagnosed with ASD btw. Given what you say about yourself also, I'd wonder if he's on the spectrum. It didn't become apparent with DS till much later though, but looking back at his toddler years a lot of stuff makes sense now. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong, why I seemed to be failing at parenting / at things other people found easy. It turns out my child really was harder work than a lot of others!

Please ignore the others on the thread telling you all you need to do is be consistent about a bedtime routine. It's so frustrating to hear that! Because it worked for them they assume it works for others. But I have no doubt you've tried this x 100!

Not read the full thread but, if you are in England or Wales, contact the sleep charity. It used to be called the children's sleep charity. I think they help Northern Ireland online only as they don't have an office there.
Scotland has an equivalent, but im not sure what it is called. Something like the Scottish Children's Sleep Charity.

Your mother is totally toxic

@Molocosh

The thing is when you ARE “consistent and firm” ... and they STILL don’t sleep We’ve tried baths, stories, putting him in bed and walking away, getting in with him, playing music, Ewan the Dream Sheep and similar toys - nothing works. We’ve given up and just accepted that we have to take turns spending the evening with him so the other can have a rest. Otherwise neither of us would ever get a night off. Except DH is obviously upset because he’s telling my mum I don’t have time for him.

have you ever questioned Aspergers/ASD for yourself?
I had no friends as a child (still don’t) and I found it very upsetting and depressing. My mum was told I’m just unpopular and shy but there’s nothing wrong with me. The school psychiatrist suggested if I wasn’t doing well at school she could arrange for me to be put in a “secure unit”. After that my mum concealed and minimised any issues because she was frightened they’d take me away. This was in the 80s and 90s though, things were different then.

Stop 'giving up' and accepting the status quo. It isn't working for you or your child. It needs to change. Any strategies you apply have to be done consistently for several weeks before you can say they don't work. Make his bedroom safe, ensure he feels loved and secure and frequently reassured, and try some of the things suggested by PP, especially the gentle sleep training techniques. He may not respond immediately or they may not be appropriate for him but you have to try for a period of time to know that.

We always had bedtime just for sleeping no stories or messing about.It was cuddle,kiss leave the room.Ds is 6 now and because it's always been this way he accepts it and goes to sleep. how many children do you have? In the kindest possible way you may just have a particularly easy routine lead child. It happens.

My first slept through a couple of weeks before my second was born, my second from about a week old , I honestly was amazed at what other people had been experiencing.

Have you got blackout blinds or heavy curtains btw?

I found these had little impact on bedtime, but they did really help in the morning; DS got up later when his room was totally dark.

Get a friend, colleague, brother, sister, cousin, nephew or niece to babysit
I don’t have any of those and I don’t like the idea of hiring a stranger. I’m not bothered about going out, I’d just like to be able to watch tv in the evening.

Your DM said you (dc with sleep problems) were to blame for her divorce, then implied that because your own dc is now having sleep problems you are somehow to ‘blame’ for this too
Apparently it was my fault for not sleeping, and my fault for passing this flaw on to my DS.

you need to tell her in no uncertain terms to fuck off because she's a narcissistic its not helping you
She’s always been like this. When I had post natal depression she sobbed “why are you doing this to me? I can’t cope with you behaving like this”. Same when I was bullied at school, she cried because SHE couldn’t cope. Now she’s crying because she’s worried I’ll get divorced. She’s also of that generation that believes “men have needs and if you don’t meet them he’ll leave you”. I couldn’t care less - I have bigger problems than worrying about another adult’s needs.

You may find that once his bad behaviour is sorted, your MIL will be much more willing to spend time looking after him
No she won’t. She’s not interested in DS, she’s too busy enjoying herself. I’m not bothered, it just means I don’t have a babysitter.

Have you tried earlier bedtime? I’d allow no sleep in day and then bedtime routine to start at 6/6.30pm. If some kids miss their naturally tired slot they get wired and won’t settle (adults too).

Maybe @eleventy3isthemagicnumber ‘s approach is worth trying? I wish I’d given myself permission to be less rigid back when we were living through this.

But, why are you taking him to bed at 8pm every night and wasting all that time if he doesn't sleep
So he’s out of the way and the other parent can have a rest. Otherwise neither of us would ever get a break.

and pursue a diagnosis for yourself too. Your childhood sounds so lonely and miserable. Your mum probably struggled but it wasn't your fault. and not fair for her to blame you. Adults make their own choices.

Your mother is awful!

Does he fall asleep in the car or buggy if you’re out in the afternoon? Also does he go a bit nuts in the last few hours of the day - eg very tearful or aggressive or hyper?

If so then that’s a good indication he is actually really tired, so it’s not that he doesn’t need more sleep, it’s that for some reason he finds it hard to wind down.

There are lots of kids who find it hard to wind down for a variety of reasons, ranging from SEN (even a very mild degree of SEN can cause winding down issues) to simple overtiredness.

If you think he is actually tired but can’t sleep then that’s the same as my DD1. Here are things that helped us.

• earlier bedtime (I’d aim for 6.45/7 not 8) before he goes too hyper
• proper 100% blackout in his room
• lie down with him, use your own slow breathing to calm him. Insist he must stay still and quiet while you do this or you will leave. As he is so attached to you this should work, he will want you to stay. Stay there till he is asleep. If he is genuinely tired, he will hopefully fall asleep quite quickly once he accepts he is not allowed to play/chat etc.

Melatonin can also help kids who cannot switch off, as a temporary measure to reset things, but you’d need a prescription for this and probably a diagnosis of some kind before you can get a prescription.

She’s always been like this. When I had post natal depression she sobbed “why are you doing this to me? I can’t cope with you behaving like this”. Same when I was bullied at school, she cried because SHE couldn’t cope. Now she’s crying because she’s worried I’ll get divorced. She’s also of that generation that believes “men have needs and if you don’t meet them he’ll leave you”. I couldn’t care less - I have bigger problems than worrying about another adult’s needs.

You have a mother problem.

Not a problem with your husband or your son.

Your mother.

I'm no contact with mine for a reason.

Why doesn’t your DP understand that your mother is an appropriate person to be whining to? She’s more or less the enemy so his behaviour is pretty treacherous really. Does he know everything you’ve told us?

I’d be sitting him down for a pep talk along the lines of “we are a team, my mum is not on our team or even supportive, things will improve when DS starts school (if not earlier) so we need to pull together”.

She’s always been like this. When I had post natal depression she sobbed “why are you doing this to me? I can’t cope with you behaving like this”. Same when I was bullied at school, she cried because SHE couldn’t cope. Now she’s crying because she’s worried I’ll get divorced. She’s also of that generation that believes “men have needs and if you don’t meet them he’ll leave you”. I couldn’t care less - I have bigger problems than worrying about another adult’s needs

She sounds dreadful.
To be honest when it's next your evening, or even tonight when lying next to your son, look up the Statley Homes thread in relationships. It's not you it's her.

And give yourself permission to block her and take some time for yourself. She sounds toxic

Inappropriate^

@ssd I know a babysitter is expensive. But if you can afford it, it's something that is of great value.

OP there is a lot going on here. FWIW I think that perhaps now is a good time to explore whether you are NT yourself. Finding out these things is a real help and can shed a lot of light on your own life, your mums (she may be similar - sometimes these things contribute and perpetuate themselves over generations).

I would say however, that a 'random' babysitter can become a dear friend of the family, a great support, and a lovely person in your child's life. We have had several since the DCs were tiny. Teenage neighbours, Sitters babysitting service, or personal recommendation. Someone like this in your life is worth their wight in gold.

Now you've reminded me to call my DC's old babysitter to see how she is :-)

Your dm and your df are the reason they divorced, nobody else.
Have a look at various methods of sleep training, maybe make his bedroom special, stair gate at his door so he can't get out.
He'll soon settle when you find out what works for him.
You both need some time together and time on your own, which you'll get once your ds is sleep trained.

Let ds potter in his room even if he doesnt go to sleep until 12. At least you and dp get some cuddle time on the sofa.

My situation is the same. It's the reality for many parents. As long as you make eachother a cup of tea. Have a chat when you can and compliment eachother it will comeback. Not all men leave the family home over sex or I would have been single months now haha. Seriously don't worry. It's not your responsibility anymore than his. Kids don't know what adults want or do.

As for your mum. We were not all blessed with the mum that is warm and loving. Believe me I would know that too. My mum was never able to show affection. She had no life in her beyond routine. We had the odd day out but that was 2-3 times a year. She never even took us to the park! She was useless with building us up and useless at giving us any inspiration. She just cleaned up. Read her books. Dragged us to town once a week in the school holidays. I don't have many memories of her being interested in spending time with us one on one.

When I got older and had kids of my own it was like she was uncomfortable with anything she didn't do. I have felt alot since being a mum she's jelous of me. She hates that I'm young and she's nearly 70. She doesn't like to see me looking nice or getting compliments. If I try and have a laugh or anything on Facebook about old times with friends she's straight in there with sarcasm or pee taking. It's like she wants to put me down or remind me she's there all the time.

Your mum knows nothing. If I was you i would tell your partner what she is saying. Tell him why it's worrying you. Ask him his intentions and thoughts. Ask him how you can both change things so that you can both work on your relationship more. My partner and I have discussed our situation and we are on the same page. The kids struggle to sleep even more with lockdown. They are just at an age where it's tricky. But when they are 2-3 years older the house will be different. They will both be in school. I'll have all day to clean up and sort the house. Hopefully as there independence grows we will get our evenings back. We can watch films again and relax knowing the kids are in bed for the night.

It's really hard having young kids. But your mum is a disgrace for saying that. Sounds like her husband was shallow if that's why he left!