Mum says I caused her divorce and I’m going to cause my own divorce too

[Molocosh]

My mum has told me I caused her divorce and if I don’t look sharp I’ll end up divorcing my own husband for the same reason.

My son (age 2) doesn’t sleep, never has. He never goes to sleep until at least 10-11pm, sometimes after midnight. We have no child free time without him. Each night one of us takes him to bed at 8pm and has to stay there for hours while the other watches tv downstairs then goes to bed alone. When he wakes up during the night I get in his bed with him and end up falling asleep. My mum often jokes that he’s her revenge on me because I never slept either.

Unsurprisingly we don’t get the chance to cuddle or kiss or have sex, or even make eye contact and talk, because we constantly have a child with us. Apparently he’s been whinging that I don’t have time for him. So my mum has told me that my dad used to say the same thing, and then he divorced her. She said I destroyed their relationship because I didn’t sleep for several years so they had no adult time together.

Needless to say I feel like shit because I’ve been told that I caused my parents’ divorce. And now I’m worried about my own marriage because I thought we were coping the best we can with a crap situation - but he’s obviously unhappy and I don’t see what I can do about it? I have a child glued to me round the clock and I have no choice about that?

'She’s always been like this. When I had post natal depression she sobbed “why are you doing this to me? I can’t cope with you behaving like this”. Same when I was bullied at school, she cried because SHE couldn’t cope. Now she’s crying because she’s worried I’ll get divorced. '

This strongly suggests narcissistic behaviour. I'm with RedToothBrush.

Not so with the poster who's written a long post all about how you (OP) have to tie yourself into knots sorting the sleep issue so your h sees you are making time for him and dance around his 'bruised ego' - rewarding him for whining to his MIL.

It sounds as if you have two selfish and disloyal people close to you, OP, who tend towards focusing on their own wants to the exclusion of your needs.

There's a lot to think about and untangle here, OP. Take care of yourself.

Thats a horrible thing for your mum to say and not true, its not your fault your dad couldn't / wouldn'tcope with parenthood, says everything about him and nothing about you and for your mum to blame you is even worse .Do you think she meant it light-heartedly? Still not great but when youre low on sleep everything feels so much worse.
Try and get your dc in a good routine, lots of online support and advice or you could talk to health visitor. You might have to let them cry for a few minutes or even put a stair gate across their room so they cant get out, it is hard work but you will get there eventually and its your OH responsibility too not just yours. Some dc are just harder to get into good sleep patterns its not your fault.

So far you have had great advice, I haven't read all the thread yet but my suggestion is whatever you decide to do to sort this you have to stick with it. No changing the second or third night because it hasn't worked. You have to stick with it for quite a while.

I wish I could help. I was a nanny and have three children of my own so huge sympathies. Definitely get out between 1-4pm as the air apparently, is different and helps with sleeping. You don't have to be put three hours, just in that time.

Haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to share my experience.

Neither of my two dc slept through until they were 4 years old. The first two years were exactly as you describe. Worse, as ds1 was very sick the first year so we had that worry too.

We used to joke that he had a sibling alarm, as every time dh and I even tried to hug he would start crying.

But you know what? One fine day when they were 4 they started sleeping, and are both now really good sleepers. Dh and I got our time to ourselves back, and became closer than we had ever been before, having shared those really tough years together. He is full of admiration and respect for the work I did and I feel grateful and loved for the support he gave me.

And if dc (now teenage) ever step out of line at all, they get a sharp reminder from him about everything I did for them at the time.

What a horrible thing for your mum to say! Things will get better with your dc not sleeping my ds hardly slept at all and we muddled through, your husband needs to be understanding, how on earth can you change the situation at the moment xxx

Sorry, haven't read the full thread and don't have any particularly solid advice. All I wanted to say was my DD was very similar to this, and I really thought the awful bedtimes were going to break me.

She's recently turned 4 and I would say over the past 6 months I've seen a real change. For her, the excitement of going to school in September has been really influential in her wanting to model a better routine and her understanding had greatly improved. So really, just hang on in there is my only advice!

My autistic ds10 got up at 4.30am today ready for breakfast. He was on melatonin for six years until recently when we wanted to give it a try without. DH and I are very happily married although there have been a few hard years.

I've been trying to think what I would do in your situation and I think I would not let him sleep in the day ever, leave him downstairs with us until 9.30pm then say it's bedtime. Tidy toys away, close curtains, read a book to him, then turn off all the lights and lie in bed next to him. Even if he gets up I would just lie in bed saying nothing and no acknowledging him. It might take a long while the first night but he may learn that it's boring playing the dark and start to feel tired instead.
You have a particularly difficult situation wrt your son - he does have extreme sleep issues so you may just have to do what's bearable until he is old enough to reason with.

Your mum is spiteful blaming you and is shirking her own adult responsibilities within a marriage - it’s shameful behaviour. The revenge line is also a crock of old shite, she needs to put a sock in it all. Loads of marriages pull through periods of family adversity and crisis: we have had PND, prolonged reflux (both kids), illness, bereavement et etc - partners don’t stick their lips out like a spoilt brat because they didn’t get ‘adult time’ ffs! You stick together, comfort each other, think of ideas, try and work as a team. Don’t allow your stupid mum to poison your marriage with her own failings. This is not the Victorian era where a woman has a duty to please her husband!

I can't advise you on your relationship with your mum, but I would say she is not someone who can advise you on how to help your child sleep at night as she clearly didn't manage to do that herself. Whatever the rights and wrongs of your relationship with her, I do think you need to sort out your son's sleep. He may have some underlying problem - if you think that is a possibility then see if you can get a diagnosis - but so many friends of mine who had children who had poor sleep patterns had just never bothered to try and teach them to do so (or hadn't thought it was something they should need to be taught). Personally I think teaching babies and children good sleep habits is as important as anything we might need to teach them and they do need to be taught. They rely on us to teach them the cues and to help them follow those cues. It's also never too late to do so, but once poor habits become ingrained it can be hard to break them. There is some good advice on this thread. As with all routine it can feel boring and repetitive and both you and your DH need to be on the same page. Ensuring your son is tired, winding down at the end of the day, making sure his room is a dark, calm, sleep-inducing environment will all help. I don't think a later bedtime is always the answer if it means he is getting a second wind. You might also have to accept an earlier wake up time. The idea is that he goes to bed before you so you and your DH can have a bit of time together - 7 til 6 or even 5.30 was always preferable to me than up all night for the sake of an hour longer in the morning. Just remember, you are in charge (just as your mum was in charge once) - it's up to you and your DH. Your son will not suddenly decide for himself.

You have mutliple issues however your biggest one is your DH who seems happy to talk about your personal issues with your mum. He sounds as bad as her and given what you have said about her will likely be supporting him and reinforcing the 'your' the problem and your neglecting him.

You and your DH are parents to your DS, you both need to come up with better strategies for your DS sleep.

You also need to have a conversation with your DH about why he had been discussing things with your mum. He doesnt sound like he has your back at all

I had a non-sleeping child and I have a theory that 15 minutes of daytime sleep chops about 2 hours off their nighttime sleep.... So cut out the daytime naps completely. Especially if they're happening after 2 p.m. That's a complete no-no!

I do know how tempting it is to get them to have that nap, just so you can rest, but after a couple of weeks, you'll find it easier to power on through, and so will he, and then your nights will get easier.

Nothing's a magic wand though, and it is hard trying to balance the needs of a 2 year old, and a 40 year old 2 year old.

I haven't read the full thread but I just wanted to say that my little boy headbands too. I don't believe there are any sensory issues etc. The HV said don't worry he won't bang his head hard enough to hurt himself and told me to let him do it as it was an attention thing. So I sat on my hands and let him headbang. He ended up with a huge lump and carpet burn on his head. So now I don't let him do it. He does it when he's not getting his own way and it's definitely an attention thing for my little boy.

Thank you for answering my questions OP, all I can say that I’m not surprised you’ve taken on all thus guilt. The psychiatrist and your teacher did you a great disservice by telling you what they thought about you but giving you no constructive route out of there. Your mother and the school were obviously concerned about you but then didn’t know what to do to help you move forward.

Personally I think you need to reconsider the babysitting issue. You can come up with as many reasons and excuses as you like, but the fact is that child-free nights are really important when you have children, to connect as partners and not just as parents. Get recommendations from people you know and trust, meet with potential sitters, scrimp and save to afford a night out (if you can't, you can't - but you indicate that it's all about the money and you're not considering the huge benefit it will bring to your relationship, and the huge non-monetary cost that relationship breakdown will bring if you don't make time to connect with each other as partners).

As for your DS - his behaviour is really extreme, so I would definitely be taking him to the doctor (when possible with regard to covid). Other posters have given great advice on sleeping above. Bottom line is that this is a terrible situation and is not good for any of you, especially your DS. No 2yo should be awake at midnight every night, no parent should have to spend hours with their child every night etc. Good luck OP.

PS you also sound very defensive in relation to a lot of great advice on this thread. Try to chill a bit and take the advice, people are just trying to help you and your family out of an unhealthy situation.

@CautiousOptimist not cold at all he has stories after tea just not when hes in bed.Works for us saves us sitting on bedroom floors for hours

I have read more now and I am so sorry your mother has been so unkind and uncaring for most of your life.

I think ignoring her and having a good chat with your dh will help here.

Eventually he will sleep. Things will get better. Maybe make a list of everyone's suggestions and then make a start trying each one for at least a fortnight.

Apparently there is a bubble bath for children, costs ab It 90p, that really helps the children sleep.

he may learn that it's boring playing the dark and start to feel tired instead
Actually what he does is he comes to the gate and puts his fingers down his throat until we come rushing upstairs due to the choking noises. Sometimes he’s actually vomited. He used to do the same trick to get out of his cot.

But do you know other mums locally?
Nope. I attended baby groups but didn’t make any friends. Story of my life. I do worry that my lack of friends will affect my DS.

your DH feels you are prioritising the needs of your child above his. He feels pushed out, he wants some grown up time
Of course I prioritise a dependent child above an adult who can look after himself. I don’t even get enough time for myself never mind for DH. When I’ve had my child pestering me for 18 hours and he’s finally asleep, I’m not happy to immediately be pestered by DH for his turn. I don’t care if he wants sex - I want to go to sleep.

Heres Nanny Jo getting a toddler to stay in bed, it takes a lot of patience and consistency. Its a good life skill to be able to settle and sleep well. So do it naturally, others not so much.

You mention leaving DC with some random. But you get to know a babysitter. Ask around for recommendations. Go on to a park for an hour the first time so they can play. Choose a pub or restaurant near home the first night. You are a phone call away.

Hi OP, I know exactly what you are feeling, my first-born was just like that. He did not sleep no matter what. It is only people who had a baby like that will understand, sorry. It is not anything you are doing or not doing, it is just the baby he is, it is his make-up and his temperament he was born with. I say this as a mother of three who went on to have two more babies who slept beautifully.

My non-sleeping baby is now 12. He did not start to sleep through until 2.5 years. When he was born, I tried to have him in his cot for 3 months straight, up several times a night because he would wake up every 2-3 hours. I kept trying and trying until I nearly had a breakdown, gave up and took him into our bed. I at last managed to get some sleep! He would feed through the night, but I would not have needed to fully wake up for that, just feed him on my side and then go straight back to sleep. When he was older and I was back to work full time, either me or DH would go up to bed with him, as he would not go to sleep any other way. He moved out of our bed just after 2. At that point he would religiously wake up between 1-2am EVERY night which stopped at around 4 years.

He has always been a poor sleeper. He struggles to drop off even now, ruminating over stuff and not being able to wind down easily. He has an anxious personality and is a worrier.

Please don’t think you are failing. Any mother who has more than one child will tell you how different all babies are. Some are placid and easy going and some are not. It is just you got the latter version. It WILL get better. It is a matter of waiting it out. Also I did a lot of baby wearing with my subsequent babies and I think that helped greatly to contribute to their sense of security and to good sleep. I wish I had used a sling with my first baby. But when you are in the midst of it, it is hard to think straight after weeks and months of sleep deprivation.

Hang in there, co-sleep if feasible and make good use of a sling (I found sturdy wrap slings the best). Massive hugs, it too shall pass.

You don't need to pay a babysitter once a week, just once every few months so you can have a date night with your husband.

When your son wants your attention, could you just say 'one second I'm just doing this then I'll be there' rather than rush to him immediately to avoid a tantrum and then leave it a few seconds longer each time to try and ease the clinginess a little bit? He's old enough to understand he has to be patient but maybe not old enough not to get frustrated if you ignore him. Either way you sound at the end of your tether with it and things cannot continue as they are, you sound very resigned to the fact that this is how things are and any and all advice you're coming up with a reason why it won't work, you and your husband need a plan going forward otherwise neither your sanity or marriage will survive

@Molocosh

he may learn that it's boring playing the dark and start to feel tired instead Actually what he does is he comes to the gate and puts his fingers down his throat until we come rushing upstairs due to the choking noises. Sometimes he’s actually vomited. He used to do the same trick to get out of his cot.

That’s a helluva lot of control for a two year old.