How do I accept that my DC just isn’t as clever as a lot of her peers?

[mommathatwearspink]

I’ve never really thought about it until now to be honest. DC (Y1) is likely to go back to school next week and the class has been split into groups obviously based on ability. It’s also obvious that my DC group is for children that struggle more than others. I also know that she isn’t quite as advanced as her peers from parents evening, etc.
I feel totally crushed! How do you come to accept that your child just isn’t as clever as some of their peers?

Do a bit of extra fun stuff with her at home. It could be reading with her on any fiction/non-fiction she is interested in or making up a story or playing word games. Collecting leaves or pictures for a scrap book and writing a caption. Playing shop (with coins and money), board games.

I suppose you could see if she has any specific learning difficulties you might be able to get her some support for. But otherwise, many things get better with practice. Many people who are not academically smart do well in life. I think good work ethic, people skills and money management are just as, if not more important.

As others have said, being "clever" isn't the be all and end all. I was always a bookworm, I breezed through school with little effort and I've always loved learning. I studied throughout my career and I'm starting a PhD next month, something that my similarly book-smart mother is very proud of.

My younger brother hated school, has never read a book for pleasure in his life, he was badly behaved and he struggled academically, leaving at 17 with poor grades. However, he is now a mechanic and he bloody loves it, he's good at it, he's well-liked and he earns more than me and our parents!

Encourage your DD and help where you can, get a tutor if she shows an interest later on but don't cripple her with pressure. It's a big world out there and she'll find her niche even if she's not the top of class.

My son was not academic he had trouble concentrating. He left school with no qualifications but has always worked. He even worked abroad for the Wind Farms as a deck hand, has worked as a fisherman and is now in Forestry. You child will be absolutely fine.

Please don’t stress about it at this age.

DS struggles initially and his Y1 teacher suggested low intelligence- he finished primary school at the top of the year academically and is flying through secondary school with great results.

We never put any pressure on and just encouraged his reading through bedtime stories and reading at home. Also encouraged maths games but not in a structured way (there was no planned learning if that makes sense).

It just clicked for him in year 2/3 and he then flew ahead. I also have another son who was middle of the road throughout school. They honestly find their own way. But please try not to be too worried at this stage.

Absolutely crushed? Really?

Firstly your child is too young to be labelling them like this and secondly all kids are different and hit their milestones at different times.

I've raised 6 kids, 3 were naturally gifted and 3 struggled, one in particular but she's artistic rather than academic and I like her just as she is.

I find your attitude quite distasteful and it smacks of ego.

Your child's intelligence is not about you being able to show off to other parents or measured in academics alone and they would be heartbroken to know you look down your nose at them like they're some kind of embarrassment.

There's a place for everyone in this world no matter what their attributes are.

Y1 is way too early to worry about performance. It’s better that your daughter’s in a class where she can progress at the pace that’s right for her so she builds up her confidence rather than struggleS to keep up with the top set. All kids learn at different speeds - some peak early and others start to find their wings later, then storm ahead. So don’t worry - encourage and help when she struggles but try to focus on the things she’s good at, whether it’s sport, a specific subject or being kind and a good friend.

My son was super bright and everything came naturally to him - my daughter 3 years younger, really struggled academically and was more creative so we worked to her strengths. As she left primary school and moved into secondary everything became a lot easier for her - she passed her GCSEs with flying colours and her A levels and is now doing her degree in Oxford. It still doesn’t come easy for her she has had to work really hard in everything she does.
What I’m trying to say is, I know it’s hard not to compare your children to others, but please try not to - celebrate your childs strengths with them it really helps to build their confidence and it stops you feeling shitty too (that’s how I felt 😔 for a long time) doesn’t help when you’ve got the bright kiddies mums always rubbing it in your face either!

Seriously. Your child is in yr1. You have no idea what they are capable or not capable of yet.

So i am coming from this at a different angle and i wasnt sure i should be able to post but i have thought about it all day. I am dealing with coming to terms with my child having autism. She was diagnosed 6 months ago and 2 nearly 3 and she is now 3 and half. She is non verbal and has learning disability, but unable to see how severe as unable to comply with any testing. So quite severe at moment. Developmentally she is around 12 months. When i read this i just felt really sad. Like a child is 6 and thinking how much emphasis we place as a society on academic ability and achievement. Reading replies saying to get tutor. Where does that place my child in the grand scheme of things. What does it say about all children. I know my dealing with coming to terms with living and having a child with a disability shouldnt be put on anyone. However I would give anything for my child to just say mummy or tell me what they want.
I just wish we lived in a society where peoples attributes were celebrated and not academic ability foucesed on, especially young children.

I also wish i didnt feel like i didnt belong in this conversation, hopefully i do belong

My son is now 23 and really struggled at primary school, he's dyslexic and couldn't spell his own name until he was 6.He excelled at sports and this has always been a main feature of his life. He went to university and I'll always remember the day he phoned me to say he was getting a first class honours degree. Looking back he developed tremendous team work skills and he tackled his degree in a really competitive way, always knowing exactly what he needed to keep the first class category. Nurture your child in other strengths and they'll catch up.

I think it's too early to tell. By KS2, some of the ones that were behind in ks1 take over the ones who excelled in ks1. Some children are simply not ready yet.

I was very much like your daughter throughout Primary school. Late to really engage academically, I found school very dull and was used to being talked down by adults who weren’t my parents. It was quite demoralising. Be supportive and value your child for who she is. I hit my stride with A’levels, got 3 A’s and a great degree. I was actually interested in the subject matter so it wasn’t like work at all.

Some parents constantly compare their child and this can end up making you feel very anxious. Try to ignore them and their competitiveness. One of mine was slow to start reading and I ended up taking them for an eye test. Turned out to be long-sighted and needed glasses. Was fine after that. A friend's child was about 7 years old when they realised that they were still muddling up their letters - P and b round the wrong way etc. Turned out they were dyslexic. I'd recommend spending time with them each night on just reading a book. Get them to tell you the story based on the pictures and then gradually introduce the easy words. Good luck.

My son, when he first joined school was definitely at ‘ the bottom of the pile’, he was one of the younger children so nearly a year younger than those he started with. At home , he was always on the move struggled to sit down to draw, paint . He could only draw ‘fires’ because that’s what his scribbles looked like.
Year on year - he got the most progressed statistics . I guess it took him until end of yr 2 to catch up to the rest ?

He gone on to achieve a lot more than anyone would of predicted, than the child that I first took into school.

I would say don’t stress , what your Dd is now- isn’t the final product of what she will ‘grow’ into.

Duggeehugs82 I know exactly how you feel as I was in a very similar position to you a few years back. I’m afraid that people who judge in this way are not our people. I feel like our children are not the problem, the judgemental nature of our society is the problem. It’s pretty amazing when you meet parents who you don’t need to explain your child to. I usually meet them in OT/SLT waiting rooms. Friends like those will be your solace.

My child is Y2 and I feel exactly the same! I’ve cried loads over school reports and worked myself up about him struggling all his life. I’m starting to come to terms with it as I see the odd leap. There is a saying I love - kids are like popcorn, they have the same heat but they all pop at different times!!! Xxx

My child was the same and has continued to be at the bottom in all subjects apart from PE which he enjoys and is ok at but doesn’t excel However, what he does excell at is social interaction and people skills. This in itself, I believe, is a huge attribute and may be the one thing that gets him where he wants to go. So even though things look s bit bleak, as your daughter develops, I’m sure there will be something that gives her the edge too so don’t despair. Also as others have said, some children realise their potential later than their peers and this could well be the case with your little girl. Just keep loving her and encouraging her as I’m sure you are doing

My child THE Bottom of whole of primary school and in academic, it is a shock but try and put into perspective. Being happy healthy and kind is everything. Get screened fir dyslexia and irleans and adhd now while young in case you can get support measures in place. Install a good work ethic and tutor yourself or privately and be patient.
My child just graduated and has a job to go to. Even in lockdown!!Worked insanely hard to get her dream career and is always disappointed When scrapes through with the minimum amount of grades when others do far less abs get top marks. All paid off now and she has a better job and degree than the straight a kids who working part time in shops. Nothing wrong with shop work at all but a lot of these particular kids had so much more potential and more doors open to them,
Your child will find there place xxx

My DD was like this, and I was really academic as a child, reading age 3, super bright. Her dad on the other hand was in remedial reading at secondary school but ended up with a PhD. And I didn’t really excel at a-levels/degree.

DD is now 14 and doing brilliantly. Her secondary school gave so much support compared to primary. I did have a tutor for the later years at primary just to give her 1:1 time as she had hearing problems as a tiny child and i found it hard trying to teach her myself.

And definitely don’t do too much comparison. I remember a school mum saying she thought she was stupid until she went to university! She went to a really really academic school, so her being bottom of the class was equivalent to other schools top of the class.

It’s hard as you can’t help compare, and trying to work out when you should be worried as somethings wrong or not to be worried is just a minefield!

@mommathatwearspink Don't panic! Your DC is little, with years yet to develop and show you where their talents lie. I felt like you do; mine could barely read at your DC age. Got a 9 for English at GCSE! And a string of other good grades. But what I'm most proud of is who he is and how he is. The smart kids in his YR1 are now uncommunicative, insular and a bit anti social. My guy's sociable, friendly, polite, funny, talks to anyone, adult, child, young person. Parenting is a long game. Take a deep breath and enjoy your DC.

Jaded1 thankufor reply, yes new SN mum friends ive meet last year r amazing, unfortunately due to covid im unable to see themand being stuck in doors with no support and the overwhelming feeling of caring for my little one and looking after my younger daughter who is 15months all.got too much when reading this thread last night

Please relax and enjoy your daughter being who she is . Could it be that you are conscious of other people’s opinions relating to class placements etc ?
At this age what matters is that your child feels secure , happy and loved.
All children develop differently, pressure to fit in with ‘targets’ can be terribly damaging so please let her know that all efforts she makes are great.

This is a misunderstanding many people have. You child has many great qualities that you will be able to help her discover. The plan is to help her try many different activities to find the ones she enjoys most. Is she outgoing? Is she good at small things like beading? Would she like to learn knitting? Maybe sewing, embroidery or such? Does she like word games? Hiking? Soccor? So many things to try. Tell her that it is the best part of your job as a parent to help he find out what she likes.

I was behind for my year at school. Had dyslexia and struggled with english. I now have 2 degrees in business administration and Law and Management (Hons). My mum got me a private Tutor in English when I was at high School which made a massive difference. She’s so young to be compared and done people develop later. At this age other skills are just as important social skills etc which are harder to learn. Don’t be too hard on her or yourself