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How do I accept that my DC just isn’t as clever as a lot of her peers?

228 replies

mommathatwearspink · 16/06/2020 19:00

I’ve never really thought about it until now to be honest. DC (Y1) is likely to go back to school next week and the class has been split into groups obviously based on ability. It’s also obvious that my DC group is for children that struggle more than others. I also know that she isn’t quite as advanced as her peers from parents evening, etc.
I feel totally crushed! How do you come to accept that your child just isn’t as clever as some of their peers?

OP posts:
babybythesea · 16/06/2020 23:26

I would echo what everyone else has said. She will have her own strengths, and should be praised for those. It’s no good being clever if no one ever invites you to their party because you are unkind!

However, on a practical level, there are things you can do.
Read to her. Encourage a love of stories. If she likes books and stories she’s more likely to want to be able to read for herself and that inner motivation is a big step forward.
Little and often. If she needs to learn to count in twos, for example, do it in the car or on a walk, once or twice through, then leave it. Do it daily, with a short and sweet approach. Same with reading books.
Get her to read everyday but if she’s tired, she only needs to read a page or two, not the whole book. It gets her into the habit of doing some things daily, which means she is less likely to fight you over it because she knows it happens every day, but isn’t too onerous.

I do understand. I’m a TA but also have a daughter in Y2 who has learning difficulties. She has just mastered some of the year 1 ‘tricky’ words (words you can’t sound out, you just have to recognise, like ‘some’ because the spelling doesn’t work if you sound it out phonetically), after me doing them daily with her in lockdown. So 10 weeks to learn half a dozen words that she should have known a year ago. But for her, it is huge, she’s been praised by everyone (we read them to granny and auntie over Skype, so they could join in the praise) and it makes her life a little bit easier being able to read some of the words. And when the words come up in her reading books, I do a thing of saying “well done, you read it, and you didn’t know that a few weeks ago, clever girl”. She will always find it hard but little and often really helps.

GiraffesAreBeautiful · 16/06/2020 23:32

Why would you feel crushed? You do know that everybody is different? So what if her Y1 achievements don’t tick all the boxes. You love her unconditionally and know she does her best.

My 15 year old is as smart as a lick of paint in a lot of ways but academically he’s still doing KS1 work. He’s the funniest and most entertaining child ever and is the most popular boy in his peer group.

Celebrate her achievements and keep supporting her.

FortunesFave · 16/06/2020 23:40

Alexis that Thomas Edison thing is a crock. Yes he was taken out of school and educated at home but no evidence exists that his Mother lied about a letter or even that there was such a letter, let alone a diary entry!

I have no idea why people immediately believe these things they see on Facebook.

Interested in this thread?

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FortunesFave · 16/06/2020 23:41

Oh and OP....she's very young. But even if she isn't the brightest, just encourage her fully in everything she enjoys. That's how she'll find her talent.

Italiangreyhound · 16/06/2020 23:57

mommathatwearspink my dd is dyslexic. She was struggling at school from the word go. We did all we could to help her and she will soon leave school. She is an amazing person, with many skills. School is not the place where she flourishes.

If this is a blip and your dd gets on well at school, great.

If not, find the things that will make her flourish, be it sports, music, arts, animals, dance or whatever else. Do not be crushed and do not let this crush her.

All children cannot be good at everything.

Thanks
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/06/2020 00:11

My FIL is dyslexic and had a great career as an engineer...can't spell for toffee but great at designing computers!

Everyone has strengths!

strugglingwithdeciding · 17/06/2020 00:14

I had this with my ds when he was r and yr 1 , I then thought he's happy at school , he has made friends and settled in ( very shy ) if he's still struggling academically I can get him a tutor in secondary etc , but I can't make friends for him or force him to enjoy school
Anyway it was all unfounded year 3/4 he caught up and became top sets for some subjects
He's now 17 passed a fair few gcse and doing well at college and still happy and that's the most important thing

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/06/2020 00:21

It seems like every other kid is top of the class. . My DD has always been average intelligence. Just plodded along really. It was amazing though how many parents would say to me. Oh they were going to put her straight up into year one. I nearly had the only child in the year group. Shed have definitely been ready for Oxford at age 6 with that much attention on her. Grin

Elmo311 · 17/06/2020 00:59

I wish they didn't make it so obvious that they separate children into these sets in school.
I was always in the bottoms sets, I had (and still have) low confidence in my abilities and believe I can't do anything.

This is compounded by the fact that I did poorly in my GCSE's, and it's followed me throughout my life because I still can't progress onto a new course as I don't have the grades. It's ruined my life, and my belief in myself is zero.

My parents used to try to teach me maths (mainly my dad) and he'd always show his disappointment when I didn't 'get it' but never praise me when I did, I also never got praise when I tried my hardest..... I remember trying so bloody hard on some Geography homework, hours and hours....thinking that if I just try hard I'll do really well. I only got a C. And that was after so much effort.

I wish my parents had got me a tutor, I needed it, I needed confidence and self esteem. It's too late for me now.

I'm going to get a tutor for my kids if they're in the bottom sets, I want to help them as much as possible so they aren't like me.

Get her a tutor, she will gain confidence. The bottom sets make people feel stupid and worthless, especially if it carries on for many years.

Destroyedpeople · 17/06/2020 01:05

I really hate the word 'clever ' it's so meaningless. I have one friend who always on about her 'clever' daughter but only in a way that will put mine down..if you see what I mean. Ah well at least my daughters no a rude and judgemental C*

Boopeedoop · 17/06/2020 01:20

Just remember, life is a marathon, not a sprint.
Happiness is far more important than being top of the class. Enjoy your child.

SudokuBook · 17/06/2020 01:24

Jesus she’s what? 5 or 6! In the kindest way, get a grip. Not everyone can be the cleverest.

FWIW I was a bit slow at primary, still counting on blocks when everyone else was doing long division. Ended up with straight As and a law degree from a RG university.

Bouledeneige · 17/06/2020 01:29

This was my DD. She was slower to develop the basic skills and always struggled at the bottom of the class. She was however extremely creative and artistic and was a lovely easy going girl. I always thought she was a late developer - her creative brain didn't connect in the same way and patterns as others of her age. But she was a joy - a sweet and kind girl and we had so many lovely times.

At her A levels she got ABC and is now doing Fine Art at University and finds her much more academic than many on her course. Let your DD enjoy the fun and play and creativity of her youth.

MrMenGoSwimming · 17/06/2020 08:13

I was very academic and pushed hard by my parents. Did less well as school went on (reading fluently at 5 - amazing! Reading fluently at 15 - whatever!) though still went to a good uni and have a Masters. BUT I also had MH problems from my teens, have a lot of ASD traits and basically no skills besides"being clever". I've never built a career.

One of my DC (8yo) is like me, only he is also dyslexic and has stronger ASD traits. He has amazing general knowledge & scientific knowledge, is on track/a bit ahead with maths, but can't write more than a sentence and freaks out at the suggestion. The other one is only 5 but not into reading/writing, can't count to 10... but builds amazing Lego, is sporty and has much better social skills than me or his brother.

I admit I assumed my children would be super academic like I was and gave them (especially PFB) LOADS of close attention in the early years, endlessly reading to them and counting etc., assuming I'd be all smug when it came to school time. And it has been a strange adjustment realising that they're not academic, when so much of my childhood worth was tied up in me being so. But I can see it got me nowhere. I support their interests and encourage them to try hard, I help with homework but I'm not pushy.

Chipsahoy · 17/06/2020 08:28

Meh, my Dc1 could barely write his name in yr 1. He's top of the class in almost all subjects now. He's in yr 7.
Dc2 was so socially anxious he did no work until yr 3. He's in yr 4 now and has caught up.

FromMarch2020 · 17/06/2020 08:32

This:
Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons Tue 16-Jun-20 19:22:12
Everybody is brilliant at something; discover her thing & be proud.
Enjoy her don’t compare her to others!

My daughter is severely learning disabled. Perspective is everything.
I love her no matter. Our society seems to put academic achievement above all else - thinks like how they are to others, kindness, etc really matter so much more.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 17/06/2020 08:39

Poor little girl, please stop judging her against her peers and insinuating you’re disappointed in her and writing her off when she’s barely started her education years.
My mother did this, compared me with other children and people all my life. The damage to my self esteem has been life-long, I am 66 now and still a disappointment to her.

BillywigSting · 17/06/2020 08:40

It really is too soon to say.

My dm left school with three o levels.

Now she has a psychology degree and a masters in nursing, is an advanced nurse practitioner and dignoses and writes prescriptions. The Dr she works with (in a gp surgery) often defers to her on certain areas (mostly skin as she has particular interest in dermatology).

She went her whole school life believing she was stupid. But I have read her uni textbooks and she most definitely isn't. You don't understand stuff that complex without a brain in your head.

That being said, she didn't 'fly' until her 20s, and her worth as a human is far more than just her academic ability. She is quite frankly amazing in multiple ways that have precisely nothing to do with being clever.

BlueBlouse · 17/06/2020 08:46

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Thisdressneedspockets · 17/06/2020 08:46

It's so sad that in y1 you're already feeling this and I imagine she might be too. They know what these class groups mean.

I've a child who didn't read until they were 8 or 9. This child has a ridiculous amount of emotional intelligence. They watch people and spend a lot of energy trying to understand them. They are so perceptive and deliver their observations with a hilariously dry sense of humour.
We never pushed reading as we could see their memory was the best of my children due to compensating for lack of reading skills. So while they might have needed more time academically, they weren't not doing anything, their brain was beavering away learning other valuable skills.

Give your child time. It doesn't matter, as a teenager that my child needed more time. What matters more is how they feel about themself. We did everything we could to smooth their way so that they could take their time with the things other people value. They're happy and have a quiet confidence that they might not have had if they'd been compared to their peers. Further more, they have a belief in their own ability to learn, as they owned their own learning process, rather than doing it someone else's way, on someone else's timetable.

RiverRover · 17/06/2020 08:58

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Tulipstulips · 17/06/2020 09:06

I'm wondering if my son has also been put in the "slower" group in his reception class. It bothers me a little, especially as I was very academically bright and I assumed any child I had would be too. But thinking about it, I only started to shine by year 3 or so - and my husband and brother, neither of whom were anything out of the ordinary at school, both have done really well in the workplace. So now I tell myself that performance at 5 or 6 isn't any indication of later success in life and it bothers me less.

IslandbreezeNZ · 17/06/2020 09:15

Don't worry about it at this age. I recall being thrown into the lowest maths class at school at one point and I ended up university educated - kids change and develop at different rates/times.

Meanameicallmyself20 · 17/06/2020 09:18

Hi OP. I sympathise. My DD struggled to sit still for carpet time in reception and was on lower ability tables. This was put down to her being August-born.
Eventually it transpired she had learning difficulties (dyslexia / dyspraxia) alongside extremely high IQ.
I would say that year 1 is very young but I’d it doesn’t click by year 3 to look into if there is anything else going on.
As others have said keep a positive stance and practice and keep the confidence high.
Confidence is so important (which is why I think separating them into tables streamed by ability is counter productive). Best of luck!

fuckinghellapeacock · 17/06/2020 10:18

DS slept on a dog bed the teacher bought for him every afternoon 2-3.30 until year 3. Didn't speak until he was 4 1/2 and everyone pitied me! He is off to Oxford next year so I wouldn't worry.

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