Has anyone ever not told their family they are in labour?

[CheddarCheesey]

Baby due in two weeks. My MIL and her sister (DH's Aunt) have asked DH to text or call them as soon as I go into labour. MIL has repeated the request a few times and been fairly insistent. I just wondered if others have not followed through on this with their families and only told them once the baby is born?

The context is, I am not keen, as I feel nervous about it (the whole birth) and the pandemic has made things more scary. Having messages and the weight of other people's expectations makes my anxiety worse. I'm attending a busy hospital in North London where there's been a massive Covid hit and it's all been quite stressful going to appointments there etc. The rules are that DH can only attend the actual birth and not be present for the beginning / middle of labour or with me afterwards in postnatal ward. I'm looking forward to it all being over and us all together back home.

Also, DH isn't really very close to his mum, they get on fine but we don't see loads of her or anything - let alone his Aunt!

I do understand them wanting to know, but is it reasonable of me to not want to let anyone know until afterwards when everyone is hopefully safe and baby is here? I'm also not telling any of my family by the way.

Has anyone else gone in and had the baby before telling family?

(Just to add there's a chance I might have to have a c-section and I think I'll still feel the same if they book that in next week or so).

Ok great to hear all of these. Thank you. I'm definitely more confident to follow my gut now. I don't want anyone else knowing until we are safe and home.

Your question / thread title does make it sound as if this is a weird or unusual thing to do.

Perfectly normal in my world. In fact, I can't understand why anyone would tell anyone (with a first child - obviously different if you need dc1 to be looked after whilst giving birth to dc2).

I hope my dds and my dil don't tell us - I don't want to be involved in the worry phase, I want to be told when the baby is safely here.

First time round we told no one, my DM had specifically said she wanted to know when baby was here but not when I went into labour as she would get too stressed waiting for news. Second time round only MIL knew but that's because she had to come and look after the toddler.

I’m not planning to tell family until baby is born. At this stage I’m planning for a vaginal birth which is inherently unpredictable and the last thing I want is people calling or texting for updates. If things progress slowly they’re just going to worry too.
I also want to ensure I don’t have any visitors until I’m ready. FIL works close to the hospital and I can just imagine him barging in ASAP to see the baby while I’m still trying to breastfeed. Fingers crossed visitors are still banned by October, I can totally see why women used to stay in for a week after the birth 🙃

Didn’t tell anyone. Really not sure why you would.

I wasnt going to as my mum worries. Fast forward to midnight after my sweep when I was not coping with the pain and (after the maternity unit) the first person I called was my mum. Dh and I set up a WhatsApp chat with his parents, my parents and my sister on and sent sporadic updates throughout labour which worked.

You need to do what's right for you though. It is your labour, your body and your baby and they are not entitled to their "need" to be informed being met over your actual need to have as low stress a birth as possible.

We didn’t with dd1 as my labour started late in the evening and then dd1 was born at 4am. We waited until lunchtime as I was exhausted. I told them to visit in the evening.
With dd2 I was actually at dms house when the contractions started and left dd1 there. Dd was born at 5pm, we got discharged at midnight. Went home for a late night bbq with babe in arms.
My dp’s brought dd1 over in the morning to meet dd2.

I have two children and never told my family until they were born. On my DD my Pil had Ds so they knew. I didn't want them to know as you don't know how long it will take plus your in a panic making sure you don't forget anything. I remember I was talking to my sister saying I had pains I didn't feel great I wasn't going to head out with her. I had my Ds that day I was two weeks early. Do what you want and feel comfortable with.

I mean this kindly, but you need to put all your people pleasing tendencies aside, and focus on what YOU need when you give birth. You don't need the permission of a bunch of strangers on mumsnet to NOT tell some random relatives when you're in labour. If you don't want to tell them, you don't tell them. No brainer.

My experience FWIW: I went into labour in the middle of the night. I had plans to meet a friend the next day (lunch maybe? I can't remember) so on the way to the hospital at about 4am I send her a message saying I wouldn't be able to make it. She was the only person I told! It didn't even occur to me or DH to tell anyone else. DS was born mid-morning so we just called everyone to announce it.

When people ask you have two options, you can be honest and say oh it's kind of you to take such an interest but we won't be making any announcements until baby is born. OR take the easy way out and say "sure" then change the subject and when it comes to it you just don't tell them.

We didn't tell a soul with DC1. I felt massively uncomfortable with the idea of people knowing and wanting updates etc. I was induced and it took 2 days. Funnily enough, my sister was on labour at the same time and I was getting constant, unsolicited updates on her progress. Helped me realise I definitely didn't want people to know!

I had an ELCS with DC2, my parents knew as they were our childcare but no-one else did.

A friend had a very dramatic EMCS after a long, failed induction. She had told our group of friends in advance but none of us really appreciated how long things can take. Everyone got a bit over excited when we hadn't heard anything and one girl took it ok herself to pester the DH for updates, not knowing that it had been a really scary situation and he had thought he might lose his wife. If we hadn't know about her induction, there would have been no badly timed, pestering texts.

I did the first time as dh was at his mum's and I rang him there. My mum was hounding me with calls all the them (I was overdue)

Both of them made the whole thing about them and how they were stressed and in such a state. It annoyed me really. So next time I warned dh not to tell them.

First baby was born at my mum’s so people knew. Next two no one knew until they were born. It didn’t occur to either of us to tell anyone 🤷‍♀️

My last baby I didn’t tell anyone. Sent a message when she’d arrived safely. Everyone understood and even if they hadn’t, too bad

My mum only knew I was in labour with DC1 as she was staying with me and I was take. In for an induction. With the other two no one knew until baby was here - we were very lucky that older kids and already gone to stay with grandparents before labour started.

I would have hated wonder family knowing and DH having to field messages off family when I needed him to be focused on me.

No one needs to know when you are in labour they can know when baby gets here.

I have looooooong labours so our families knew both times.

With Dc1 I’d been contracting for 3.5 days before I went into the MLU and it was a family joke by day 2!

With Dc2 my waters broke when I was at home alone with dd a week before my due date, so that obviously went on my family‘a WhatsApp group 😂

DH’s family is 100 miles away and have normal boundaries so I knew we wouldn’t be pestered for updates or landed with unexpected visitors too early.

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way- I couldn’t imagine not telling my mum/dad/sister, but at the same time other people want that to be private and that’s fair enough.

I didn't with either baby. My mother was staying when I had the second, so she obviously knew, but we didn't tell anyone else until the babies had actually arrived.

Tell them that you wont.and ring them after the baby is born. The first few minutes/hours with your newborn are so precious and you will never get them back.

Just don't tell them but be upfront about it. Sorry dm dmil, we will not tell you but we will tell you once the baby is born.

Considering your DP isn't even close with his mum should help. Let him tell her.

(And her sister should f off. She has 0 rights...)

We didn't tell anyone the first time, and second time around only those who were involved in looking after DD while we were at the hospital.

You don't need the extra pressure.

Didn’t tell anyone and don’t know anyone who did. Didn’t want the added pressure from them but also I think it must be awful for those who know.

Didn't occur to me that you would tell your relatives you were in labour unless you needed them for childcare of older DC. What would it actually chieve apart from worrying them? Stick to your guns OP, you'll have better things to do once labour starts.

no I felt strongly I didn't want people to know, husband wanted to tell family. Argument ensued but ultimately I got my way - it's my body and however magical it's my medical procedure so I get to choosecatvwhat point people know and how much! Same goes for how birth went - I didn't want everyone knowing the ins and Outs!

At the risk of sounding like I’m a hundred years old, nobody had mobiles when mine were born, so my ex just phoned and told people once they were here.

We didn’t tell anyone with either of our DS until the baby was here. The second one was a planned CS and we still didn’t tell them until the baby was here.

My first I set up a whatsapp group for people I wanted to be informed. My husband updated it and I stayed off my phone the whole time. It was really nice reading back the updates with their replies.

This time I'm booked in for an elective and I've only told my mum the date just because we talk all day every day so it would be very obvious. I didn't want to tell anyone else till she is here but my husband said his family would get really offended at that. And honestly it's not worth the aggro with his family so he's going to message them as I'm getting wheeled into theatre. So at least I won't have loads of texts the day before still!

We told everyone when the baby was a few days old....everyone was fine with it apart from his mum, she was really really upset and cried about it, would I do it again......yes. I felt sorry it hurt her, but the 2/3 days of just us was bliss!