Has anyone ever not told their family they are in labour?

[CheddarCheesey]

Baby due in two weeks. My MIL and her sister (DH's Aunt) have asked DH to text or call them as soon as I go into labour. MIL has repeated the request a few times and been fairly insistent. I just wondered if others have not followed through on this with their families and only told them once the baby is born?

The context is, I am not keen, as I feel nervous about it (the whole birth) and the pandemic has made things more scary. Having messages and the weight of other people's expectations makes my anxiety worse. I'm attending a busy hospital in North London where there's been a massive Covid hit and it's all been quite stressful going to appointments there etc. The rules are that DH can only attend the actual birth and not be present for the beginning / middle of labour or with me afterwards in postnatal ward. I'm looking forward to it all being over and us all together back home.

Also, DH isn't really very close to his mum, they get on fine but we don't see loads of her or anything - let alone his Aunt!

I do understand them wanting to know, but is it reasonable of me to not want to let anyone know until afterwards when everyone is hopefully safe and baby is here? I'm also not telling any of my family by the way.

Has anyone else gone in and had the baby before telling family?

(Just to add there's a chance I might have to have a c-section and I think I'll still feel the same if they book that in next week or so).

Don't tell them! But don't engage in a fight about it now. Just make sure you both 'forget' your phones when you head to hospital.

We didn't tell anyone when DD was born until she arrived. We told my parents when I was in labour with DS in case we needed childcare for DD.

It depends. My first Labour was premature and I was in labour for about 4 days so family all knew. My second we rang my mother in law as she was going to look after my youngest whilst I was in labour. Everyone else got told I had had the baby after I'd given birth. It's up to you who you tell and when.

Noone except DH and the hospital knew about DS1.
My parents knew about DS2, because we needed childcare. In the end, DS2 and my mother (and the paramedics) all turned up within 5 mins of each other. Not recommended!

I didn't tell anyone first time around, I knew that my parents would be worried the whole time (and probably try to call for updates) and thought it would be better to tell them afterwards. Also, like you, I just didn't want any additional pressure. When I called them to tell them that dd was born they were just happy to hear the news. If I had been under any pressure to tell them I would have sweetly agreed at the time, and then claimed afterwards that I had forgotten.

With dc2 I texted them when my waters broke (in case we needed them to look after Dc1), but they didn't find out until after dc2 was born because they had turned their mobile phones off for the night

A long time ago, but no didn't tell either family first time round. Second time had to tell ILs as they were having DD1

I didn't! My parents heard when I had the baby

Both times, we just let people know afterwards. That included parents. Obviously 2nd time round we needed one person on standby for childcare, but no one else knew!

Yeah. You smile and say sure and then do you want you want. I'd been in labour 12 hrs before we told OHs family. And that was only because I felt bad my mam knew and his didn't. They'll forgive you once they hear the happy baby news. Do what you want OP, good luck!

We didn’t tell anyone and I was booked in for an induction so knew when labour was happening in advance. Baby was born at 40 weeks + 10 days so well overdue and I’d been receiving constant messages for updates from 37 weeks. The thought of people messaging me/my husband throughout a potentially long labour really stressed me out. I’d politely asked people to stop with update requests at 40 weeks but some family members carried on so I didn’t trust them not to bombard us whilst I was in labour. Luckily labour was really quick so didn’t have to keep them in the dark for days on end! I had agreed with my husband that if the labour got tricky/was long then we could change our minds so he could have support. It was tough keeping it from my mum as we’re really close and I’d been talking to her on the way to the hospital but I didn’t think it was fair to apply different rules to different family members. I worked on the basis that no-one needed the image of me in labour(!) and if anyone was annoyed the news of the safe arrival would quickly quash any complaints (in fact no-one mentioned it!). Do what works for you, once you tell people there’s no changing that but you can always not tell people and change your mind after labour has started if you need. Good luck!

No we didn't tell anyone until afterwards.

We didn’t tell anyone int after each child was born.

I was induced with my first and was in hospital for 5 days before going into labour so my mum knew, otherwise she would have wondered where I was.
Mil and fil we just called them from the hospital once dd had arrived.
This one, we will have to tell someone as we need some childcare for dd.

Yeah but it only lasted a few minutes so didn't really have chance!

It wouldn't have occurred to me to tell anyone other than my husband when i went into labour. Anyway what could they have done in the middle of the night, it wouldn't have been fair to wake them. Husband drove me to hospital at 4.30am, I gave birth just after 6.30. There was no coronavirus then of course so he stayed with me an hour or so, saw me settled in the post natal ward, went home and 'phoned his parents and my mother, about 8-8.30am. That was quite sufficient, they all visited in the afternoon, he came back in the evening and I went home next day.

We didn’t tell anyone until the babies were here. A few hours later I think as clearing up and stitching seems to take forever.

This was before everyone had a mobile though.
If you want to avoid being hounded, make sure to don’t reply instantly to every message from now on, otherwise as you approach your due date, every time you don’t respond within 30 minutes, people will blow up your phone thinking it’s started.

Tell people you are tired and taking naps where you can, so not to worry if your phone is switched off.

I made it clear when we announced I was pregnant that we wouldn't be sharing the exact due date because I don't want constant texts and check ins to see if I've given birth (as if I'd forget to tell them I'd had the baby)

As it's gotten closer we've given a week and both our parents know the due date, however none of our friends do and the parents have accepted that we don't want messages and we won't forget to tell them. I'm really anxious about the birth and have been open about that from the start.

I think the key has been my husband learning to stand up for our little family rather than try to people please. He was a people pleaser when we met so I always looked like the bad guy - he would put himself and by association me last to keep the peace with his mum. Him standing up to his family (not in an abrasive or horrible way, just setting expectations and explaining why and how he won't change his mind) has made a big difference. I would definitely make sure your husband is ready to advocate for you because in this situation you are the priority!

We didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t realise it was a thing. When I was going to hospital to have second child, we told our childminder who was looking after DC1 as she had to bring her overnight bag to our house earlier that day.

Had my third last weekend ~ told the family when she was born. I’d have hated update texts etc...

I had an emergency Csection at 36 wks. I had been booked for a planned section at 38wks but due to complications DS came early.we decided not to tell anyone until after he was born. Didn’t want them worrying and also for the surprise factor.

I was rushed in for an emcs with my second. I had to tell my dad because we needed someone to look after my eldest but didn't tell my mother until she was born.

He reactions (ie not asking how I or the baby were but asserting that she should have been told before my dad) were exactly why we hadn't told her!

My point being that it is up to you who you tell and when. They have no right to make demands

I told my parents with all 3 as I laboured at their house with dc1 and they were childcare for the other two. We didn't tell any other family for dc1 and 3 because we didn't see the need. I was induced with dc2 so they knew that was happening. Wasn't a decision we discussed beforehand just neither of us felt the need to let them know.

Yeah, no way. Me and my exdp rang my mum and mum in law etc after dd 1 was born. It was our experience and we wanted it to ourselves and it was great. My second and third were born by elcs so everyone knew before. I preferred the secret way myself.

I thought it is standard to tell only people if they're looking after your older ones.

Last thing you need in a 30 hour labour is MIL phoning "hurry up dear, I want to call Uncle Jim and Ethel from up the road to tell them we are a grandmother before I go to bed."

I would just say you don't want them to feel that they're worrying about you-and switch your's (and dh's) phone off in the 2 weeks before you're due/don't always answer it. Otherwise the first time they can't get hold of you they'll be phoning Uncle Jim and bobbing down the road to tell Ethel.