Partner says I’m too intense all the time - how do I chsnte

[JellyBottles]

I know I’m intense but I don’t know how to reign it in. He says it is difficult to put up with in the late evening but something he likes fine the rest of the time (he is intense too in his own way).

He says he feels analysed (his personality, psychology etc) as I try and link certain behaviours, cross analyse, find common ground between me and him, discuss differences etc

I can’t help it though - I’m a very analytical person (it’s a huge part of who I am) so I don’t know how to stop doing that.

I like to spend evenings either having a lot of conversation about various things with a person or completely on my own immerses in my tasks. I hate the in between mode of having someone in my space whilst I’m doing a solo activity yet not talking to them but he says he likes that kind of thing. I’m a bit all or nothing and don’t see the enjoyment in doing two solo activities sitting next to each other (I would prefer to commit to doing the solo activity all alone in a room or dedicate my attention to chatting to a person)

My mind is always super curious and wants to know everything about everything.

I get the feeling a lot of others find me intense too (though no one else really says it out loud except him)

*how do I change is the question

Even with all the will in the works, I’m finding it hard to restrain myself from sharing funny observations about him or others to him, psychology analysis etc

I have to admit I found your post a bit scary OP.

Can you not just sot cuddled up for a couple of hours in front of a film? Like not talking much? I couldn't face intense conversations on an evening when I just want to unwind from the day. Maybe he just wants the same.

Your post is all about what you like, can't you compromise on occasion?

Scary? Why?

I’ve just explained things from my perspective but also mentioned what he liked (can’t go into detail as I can only go by what he said which was fairly brief)

Whenever I’ve tried to do that in silence movie watching with another person, I can’t stand it and almost count the minutes until the movie ends so I can either chat or get some alone time. I also cannot stand cuddles at all.

Whenever I’ve tried to do that in silence movie watching with another person, I can’t stand it and almost count the minutes until the movie ends so I can either chat or get some alone time. I also cannot stand cuddles at all.

I think you either need to work on compromising and giving your partner some of what he needs (ie. chilling out together without intense conversations for hours) or accept that you’re not compatible.

I don’t really get why doing your own thing in the same room or watching a film together quietly is so intolerable, but you’re happy to do things in separate rooms?

presumably you don't want children.
you sound like hard work to be honest, can you never just enjoy relaxing companionably with another person, each occupied or content, without endless interrogations.
maybe it's just different personality types.
i'm not sure you and partner are compatible long term. i think he may feel judged and criticised after a while and just find it all too exhausting.
i would.
you speak of "my space". is it not a joint, shared space if you live together. there is no warmth or respect of affection expressed towards your partner. it's as if people have to fit into your scheme of things to be any use to you. as if you are using them as props, when not needed put away in a cupboard.

how do you get on with other people generally, at work, college, etc.
sorry don't know what to suggest. if i'm being absolutely frank i'd say try to be less self-centred.

You are very intensely you: you are different from others and that is fine. You cannot change and not should you; am sorry to say you and your partner may just not be compatible.

You do sound like a lot of hard work and I don’t think you and your partner are compatible. The intensity you describe would be difficult for most to put up with; people like to relax.

I agree. I have a DD very much like you demanding time and attention and can’t just ‘be’

She never switches off and wants instant confirmation of anything she wants.

It’s hard work when you just want to switch off and zone out with a crappy book or tv film and just relax your brain.

The continual chatter is draining.

As you say, if it’s difficult for most people to put up with, what am I supposed to do? It’s like hardwired into me and even an evening not being the way I am, requires me to use huge amounts of willpower to restrain myself almost. I feel like a bottled up fizzy drink (almost ready to burst out) and just don’t like being touched/cuddled intensely or continuously

As I’ve only ever been me. It’s like some people can function with 3 hours of sleep just fine. Whereas me and a lot of others would really struggle with such little sleep. I guess it’s the same with relaxing the mind (I just seem to have no desire or need to do it)

Can’t you compromise at all?! Talk over dinner then chill with s film? It sounds all about what YOU want,

Sorry OP, but you sound exhausting to be with. You say you are an analytical person, have you ever tried analysing yourself, and tried to find out just why you are like this?

What sort of people are your parents? Are they similar or different?

Whenever I’ve tried to do that in silence movie watching with another person, I can’t stand it and almost count the minutes until the movie ends so I can either chat or get some alone time. I also cannot stand cuddles at all

You are confusing me. The "I can't stand it" part suggests you are an extrovert and need outside stimulation constantly, but the second part about wanting to be alone suggests otherwise.

How good are you at reading others' cues and level of discomfort? Are you continually surprised by feedback like this?

Are you sure you're funny?
Like a PP, I'd also want to know how you get on with others...

@easterbrook he says I overanalyse myself too. Well the reason I made this thread is to see if anyone similar found a way to re-wire themselves

Mum is similar-ish but definitely not as intense. Dad is on the opposite side of the spectrum entirely (like the least intense person ever)

@DamnYankee what do you mean by funny?
I get along fairly ok with others - as I’m fairly aloof with colleagues etc

OP:
I’m finding it hard to restrain myself from sharing funny observations

So - are these observations also funny to others...?

Hi OP. I really identified with your post. I too feel very intense and love a good analysis (of me, others, a situation etc.), I don't really relax by doing nothing or watching shit telly. I think where analysis becomes 'over analysis' is just a unhelpful judgement. So you're different from your OH. So what? Why does he get to say you're the weird one? I think perhaps you need to find others who interact like that too and get some of the stimulation you need through conversations with them. Some people do really need cuddles though. Perhaps, if it feels OK, you can do that for him?

Scary? Why?

Because you talk and probe too much, and it's very wearing on the brain. Reading your post felt full-on. Constant chatter and questions clogs the mind of the other person. It can feel aggressive too in 'You WILL talk/listen to me & I'm going to keep right on talking and talking and talking until you do'. ie - all about you, and what you want.

Perhaps you're a person who has to fill every silence, who is with a person who just doesn't feel that same need. Do you have any interests and outlets apart from your partner? Your attention span seems short so part of your chatter will sound mindless to whoever is on the receiving end.

Different styles of communication need resolving so as to get some balance. You've written here so you must be interested in compromise. Talk to your partner about it and listen to what's being said.

You sound completely and utterly exhausting. Can you really not understand why someone wants to be near their partner in comfortable silence? Not every second of your life has to be consumed with analysis and debate. Let your partner go because you are in no way suited for each other.

I'm analytical.

My partner is ok with it. However, he also likes to relax and not listen to my mental "people mathematics" and endless "whys" after about an hour. So we share a beverage at about 5 and I get to let loose.

I have to reign it in when I'm with people I don't know well.

With people I know well to pretty well, "whys" are satisfied by asking them not-too-intense questions about themselves (I have a good memory for people's personal details) which is beneficial for both conversation partners.

My curiosity is satisfied. They feel cared about. Everybody's happy!

It's much easier when I'm working or running a lot to contain the "fizz." Do you have the opportunity to do either or both?

Just reading your posts made me extremely anxious. Your intensity and lack of appreciation for your partner's needs is overwhelming. My husband and I have wonderful conversations, but we also are very happy to be in relaxed silence. We can sit next to each other for hours without a constant dialogue. Find someone who can handle your level of intensity.

It's like you don't see him as a person with rights. The right to his own thoughts, space and peace. You seem to view him as a recepticle for your word vomit.

Jesus people are fucking assholes. OP, you sound like me and you might want to look into ADHD.

You don’t sound awful at all. Don’t change for anyone. But you do sound absolutely as though ASD/ADHD might be a part of your makeup!

The fizzed up-ness, the strong feelings about touch and cuddles, the difficulty in staying quiet when you’re supposed to, it’s all there. You sound like two of my children, it’s uncannily similar. They are beautiful wonderful funny analytical chatty people, who happen to have ASD and ADHD in their profile.

Big big virtual hugs x x x

I wonder if the problem is more you don't really want to listen to others, or give them control on the convo? Like, it has to either be interrogation on your terms, your topic, or they have to be out of the room. Either way, you're shutting them down.

If that's true, then, I suppose the next step would be to think about what it is about letting other people control the conversation is so intolerable to you?