Partner says I’m too intense all the time - how do I chsnte

[JellyBottles]

I know I’m intense but I don’t know how to reign it in. He says it is difficult to put up with in the late evening but something he likes fine the rest of the time (he is intense too in his own way).

He says he feels analysed (his personality, psychology etc) as I try and link certain behaviours, cross analyse, find common ground between me and him, discuss differences etc

I can’t help it though - I’m a very analytical person (it’s a huge part of who I am) so I don’t know how to stop doing that.

I like to spend evenings either having a lot of conversation about various things with a person or completely on my own immerses in my tasks. I hate the in between mode of having someone in my space whilst I’m doing a solo activity yet not talking to them but he says he likes that kind of thing. I’m a bit all or nothing and don’t see the enjoyment in doing two solo activities sitting next to each other (I would prefer to commit to doing the solo activity all alone in a room or dedicate my attention to chatting to a person)

My mind is always super curious and wants to know everything about everything.

I get the feeling a lot of others find me intense too (though no one else really says it out loud except him)

Surely this thread would be a me focused because it’s about a problem with my personality?

There are snippets of what he’s like that I’ve mentioned, his relationship history, that he’s fairly intense too, that he likes cuddles etc.

The ASD thing I mentioned speculating whether I have it is because a number of posters on the thread questioned whether I might b

whether I might have ASD

I think you're someone who is very black and white so you're working out how you feel about this in extremes.

Most people don't have rules to be totally silent and separate or totally cuddled up and together.

We sit together with maybe our legs in the other ones lap, hand on legs etc rather than properly cuddling but we are tactile all the time and I think that is a grey area for you - are you quite all or nothing in general?

As I said earlier I think this is a comparability issue. I think your stance on this is too strong for you to compromise.

Maybe best to split so you can both meet people well suited to your emotional and physical needs.

Oh @GreenTulips I almost never talk part way through a film or tv show. It’s more sitting in silence doing almost nothing where the other person cuddles you and expects silence that’s very out of my comfort zone

@backseatcookers yeah I probably am a bit too black and white for my own good

If you're in a relationship you dont constantly try and analyse stuff though. You just "be" together and accept who you are.
Like, I wouldn't mind one night of a conversation like that but after that it's boring and doesn't need going over/talked about again
Just enjoy the relationship rather than dissect if!

You still don't get it.

If you read any other thread about relationships, they describe the other person. The poster might wonder what the other person is thinking or feeling, do they still care about the OP, is their behaviour unreasonable, are they seeing someone else, should the OP stay or go, etc. Yours is all about you. Your wants, needs, what a top notch brain you have, etc. You don't seem to have any feelings for your partner. The problem seems to be that he won't accommodate you, not that your behaviour might be upsetting him.

You say that you can't imagine what it's like to be another person. That says it all.

Oh and me and DH have our own chairs separated by a table so we actually don't touch at all during TV watching
When we had a different sofa I'd sometimes lay out with my feet on his legs but that's it.

I know it’s personal and different to each couple but @Horehound what type of topics do you generally discuss day to day with a partner or is it more intense detail rather than topic which you think can get a bit much?

Hi Jelly

I gave high functioning ASD. I suspect you may too. Maybe look into it.

You don’t need to change and can’t. Find a way of being yourself with your dp or find someone who will appreciate you.

Generally when DH comes home from work (I'm on maternity) I'll tell him about my day, what the baby got up to, if I saw anyone when out for a walk and what they were saying, DH will tell me about his day, any projects going on at work, well talk about day to day stuff like dinner etc and then we will also speak about TV shows, at the moment we are doing a weekly zoom meeting with my family to do a quiz so we will discuss the questions we want to ask. Just stuff like that...no analysing of the relationship at all!
Very occasionally say we have an anniversary or birthday or something coming up we will talk about our relationship such as remeniscing about how we met, what our wedding day was like, our honeymoon, the labour for our baby being born etc.

A relationship isn't about topics or how much detail you go into, for goodness sake!

It's about whether you have feelings for the other person. You don't.

"It’s more sitting in silence doing almost nothing where the other person cuddles you and expects silence that’s very out of my comfort zone"
People don't refer to their partner as 'the other person'. If you care about someone you will enjoy spending time with them. Referring to it as 'doing almost nothing while the other person cuddles you' is very odd. You think that sitting in silence with your partner is a waste of time? If you'd rather being doing this research on your phone that you talk about, leave him. He's obviously not up to your intellecttual level.

OP, I’m not @Horehound, but today DH and I talked about buying a lighthouse (impractical), silage, the relationship between Hamas and the Palestinian National Authority, our eight year old’s Simon and Garfunkel phase, and making chapattis without gram flour. And lots of dull work/housemove stuff.

It's just after 12pm and I haven't eaten yet, I will soon. For some reason I find it easy to do on weekends but if i don't eat before work i feel starving and feel I dont have the brainpower I need. Breakfast is probably my favourite meal of the day so I think I'd struggle to cut it out.

I measured myself today and I've lost half an inch on my waist but my hips are stubborn!

I mainly eat chicken, fish and vege. I probably have been eating the same meals for a few weeks now.

My plan is: aim to get out and walk more days of the week, reduce the milky coffees & dark chocolate, add yoga back in. I also do one workout a week after waking up on an empty stomach, maybe I should do more of that?

Oh and everything has been inside my allowance according to MFP

@Maria53 have you posted in the wrong thread by mistake...? ^

I really, really have. Sorry ha ha!

No problem @Maria53 :)

I am curious. What is an intellectually intense analytical job.

I think some of the comments on the first page of the thread are unnecessarily mean towards OP. I haven't read past the first page. OP there's nothing wrong with you, it's just who you are and you may not be compatible with your OH.

@Jellybottles Lots of your questions are about what's normal, as if there's a rule book everybody got, that you've somehow not had an opportunity to read.

Some couples talk all the time about their deepest feelings. Some rarely feel the need to. Some couple lie tied up in a knot and draped all over each other every evening watching TV, some sit in separate rooms with separate TVs watching separate programmes. Some spend all their evenings together, some have hobbies in the evenings and only spend some evenings together. Some have partners who work away, and only see each other for short stints every few months.

It's not about 'what people do', it's about 'what you want'. If he doesn't want the same shape of relationship as you, that doesn't mean you're 'doing it wrong', it means you are incompatible. Compromises can be made to some extent, but that still depends on what you want.

A relationship is about what both people want.

The problem here is that it's all about what the OP wants.

@JellyBottles

Thanks all so far.

@Maria53 yeah I see what you mean. Just how common is it sit entwined in each other watching tv etc. I don’t think I’d mind if I was doing solo activities in the same room as him without any physical contact but I don’t know how common that is or again a sign I’m not neurotypical. Constant physical contact just makes me feel kinda suffocated, trapped and on edge, which in turn makes me have analytical conversations almost as a pressure release to distract from those feelings.

It seems I crave a lot of mental stimulation whilst he craves a lot of physical stimulation. Frequent sitting in silence and cuddling - how common is that in most relationships?

If you're concerned about how you are then i'd get tested for autism/aspergers as it sounds more like that than ADHD.

Whenever I’ve tried to do that in silence movie watching with another person, I can’t stand it and almost count the minutes until the movie ends so I can either chat or get some alone time. I also cannot stand cuddles at all.

Wow. That is EXTREMELY unusual. Maybe you need help to learn to dilute yourself every so often. Do things that others like and learn to enjoy those things

You aren't compatible long term. You need someone like minded to you.

My best friend is like you, i love her to bits and enjoy time with her but i could never live with her. Too draining having to be full on all the time. A three week holiday was enough. She would say the same of me.

Can you sit in a room with your partner each doing different things if you are wearing headphones, ooi? (Doesn’t matter if they are playing anything)