Partner says I’m too intense all the time - how do I chsnte

[JellyBottles]

I know I’m intense but I don’t know how to reign it in. He says it is difficult to put up with in the late evening but something he likes fine the rest of the time (he is intense too in his own way).

He says he feels analysed (his personality, psychology etc) as I try and link certain behaviours, cross analyse, find common ground between me and him, discuss differences etc

I can’t help it though - I’m a very analytical person (it’s a huge part of who I am) so I don’t know how to stop doing that.

I like to spend evenings either having a lot of conversation about various things with a person or completely on my own immerses in my tasks. I hate the in between mode of having someone in my space whilst I’m doing a solo activity yet not talking to them but he says he likes that kind of thing. I’m a bit all or nothing and don’t see the enjoyment in doing two solo activities sitting next to each other (I would prefer to commit to doing the solo activity all alone in a room or dedicate my attention to chatting to a person)

My mind is always super curious and wants to know everything about everything.

I get the feeling a lot of others find me intense too (though no one else really says it out loud except him)

I have a friend like you, she has a heart if gold and is great fun - in small doses.
I have to limit our time together because she drains me with her questions, observations and need to know everything.
It's really hard.
I dont know what the solution is but I do see your partner's point of view.

My sister had an old friend like this. Never forget when they shared a flat the friend monologued at my sister when she arrived back from work - non stop. Even stood outside the loo when my sister had a wee talking at her. She’s a dear friend my sister had to move out. She always had boyfriend issues this was often what she was talking about. She did get married but her husband ran off after 6 months. She is lovely though but few could live with her.

I think if both you and your DH are struggling to just 'be' together happily, because your personalities and needs are so different, maybe you just aren't compatible? I'm a great believer in 'there's a lid for every pot', but perhaps he's not your lid? It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you, just that perhaps you'd both be happier with someone else.

What sort of 'funny observations' do you make?
Honestly, I couldn't cope with that intensity. I would hate to be sitting at home and feeling like I'm being observed and analysed over everything I do. It's quite unsettling.

Not being able to cuddle up with my partner and watch TV quietly without them wanting to jump up and get on with a 'solo' activity would feel strange to me also.
It's a way of relaxing and unwinding together.

Is there a way you can compartmentalise and come to an agreement together where you both have time to do something as a couple, a solo activity, to vent to each other, to sit quietly together...
So it's not a constant onslaught of observations and chat.
Right now it seems like it's that or nothing - they're polar opposites. Try and find a common ground.

He often backtracks afterwards says to ignore him but I know he wouldn’t say it in the first place if he didn’t mean it

He backtracks because he knows he will be in for a three hour interrogation if you catch him having an opinion!

Are you autistic? Or have family members who are? A lot of people in my family are like this. We are all spectrummy in one way or another. I can be quite full on in a relationship. I've found very intelligent, high achieving men with asd to be quite a good match. We are both intense then

Your question seems to imply that because your partner has a negative opinion, you should change. Maybe ask how he should change to deal with it? Most likely it is something you need to work through together. Not just you.

I wonder if you've ever read about autism in women, OP? A lot of your traits ring bells for me. Might be worth a look in case it helps you with self knowledge.

I feel stressed even reading your posts, OP. You partner has no privacy, no down time (unless he spends it alone). I can't think of anything else than being constantly analysed and talked at.

It seems that you're unable to be in anyone's company without sharing your every thought. I think all the time, but manage to have an internal dialogue, rather than vocalise everything. Is this something that you're unable to do? I certainly would never subject anyone to my analysis of them.

If I had a partner who was unable to sit in companionionable silence with me, I'd have to end the relationship. They would drain me..

Sorry if I missed it but have you considered you may have adhd?

ADHD!

Are you the same poster that every one in life is jealous of and finds intimidating?

It sounds much more that the OP would like to go off and do her thing and come back and not have to sit in silence having her knockers twiddled!

You cuddled some strange people man

Op - as a few others have mentioned, have you looked into ASD? Not trying to hassle you for an answer but I noticed you haven't responded to those asking?

Just an observation but you sound similar to my daughter who has ASD, my mum is very similar too. I strongly suspect she has ASD that's gone undiagnosed, as she's 80 and from a generation that didn't have as much knowledge about ASD then. I have some similar traits as well as many others that suggest I could have ASD too, I had spoken to my Dr about a referral for assessment, but obviously then with Covid it's been put on hold. It might be worth you looking into ASD if you haven't already?

I am pretty sure most people don't want to be hugged when doing their own projects (gaming or reading a book or whatever your hobby is)
But cuddling whilst watching a tv show etc seems normal.
Then back to doing the separate hobby. If it's just surfing mumsnet then fairly easy to do in companionable silence with tv on in background. Depends what the hobby is really.

When you are very old, looking back over your life, will it be the intense conversations and analysis you remember fondly? Ignorance is bliss, but in the absence of ignorance, a clever, curious, mind has to be trained to be silent sometimes, or it'll suffocate both of you. I've had a partner just like you. I adored so many thing about her, her so much, but I found the intrusion into my own mind unbearable. I'd say, let go, relax, enjoy life. None of that analytical shit matters. He is who he is, you are who you are.

Have you ever been assessed for ADHD?

the intrusion into my own mind unbearable.

Yep. It seems that OP just doesn't understand what her constant analysis does to the other person.

I'm trying to work out how your analysis doesn't seem to involve empathy, OP. If you're busy trying to work out someone's psyche, can you not actually work out how you're making them feel? Can you not put yourself inside their head and imagine what your words are doing to them?

I have a dear friend who felt he was only being company if he was talking. He got a bit stressed once when we were out for a meal and eating in silence for a little while... that he was failing me somehow. I was bewildered and explained that companionable silence was something I actually enjoyed. To me a relationship that means you can simply sit and enjoy being in that person's company, is a good thing. It was something he'd never considered. But now, although he still talks more than I do, he's totally onboard with it, and able to see where I was coming from.

You sound like me when I am very very stressed. I’m very hard to live with when I’m stressed out, constant and endless chatter (poor Dh).

Thanks everyone for your insights so far.

To those asking if I have ASD or ADHD - I feel potentially I do but I think knowing this will not really help in changing me. Knowing I’m intense due to potential ADHD / ASD Versus just intense as a personality trait (but neurotypical) - either way the bottom line is I need to reign in my intensity and as far as I’m aware the label of a condition will not give me any medication that would help make that change any easier..

In some ways, my partner is also very intense e.g will analyse my facial expression to create a narrative of how I’m feeling (which may or may not be a true), want to spend a lot of time together etc.

In a way, I think it’s kinda a shame that someone who always wants a hug, cuddle etc. is seen as lovely and sweet yet someone who always wants to be chatting is seen as intense. I can often cope with the latter in people but not so much the constant physical contact personally.

Well personally I have found it helpful to have the diagnosis vs just thinking oh yes, that sounds like me, I'll try some of those strategies. Because I'm certain about it I'm investing so much more into understanding how it affects my brain chemistry and therefore actions.

I also accept myself. I will always be a bit chaotic and disorganised. I will always get too much into things. I choose to spend my time with people who value and love those things about me rather than seeing them as a nuisance that needs to be fixed.

The thing that jumps out for me is that it seems to be on your terms.
You want to discuss so you do, you want solo time, you want to be left alone, you want to be together.
I get it, my DH likes to have in depth Political discussions and if I am enjoying some solo time I don’t want to but because he does I will (to an extent). It’s great that you want to change but you could just try giving a bit more

And there is medication for ADHD which can help yes. It's worth a try if you think it might be useful.

You sound like my 7 year old- the constant analysing and interrogating is exhausting and I'm often glad of the silence when she goes to bed. I assume she'll grow out of it though. I'd definitely find that intense late in to the evening OP. Can't you watch something together that you can silently analyse yourself and do can just enjoy for what it is.