Partner says I’m too intense all the time - how do I chsnte

[JellyBottles]

I know I’m intense but I don’t know how to reign it in. He says it is difficult to put up with in the late evening but something he likes fine the rest of the time (he is intense too in his own way).

He says he feels analysed (his personality, psychology etc) as I try and link certain behaviours, cross analyse, find common ground between me and him, discuss differences etc

I can’t help it though - I’m a very analytical person (it’s a huge part of who I am) so I don’t know how to stop doing that.

I like to spend evenings either having a lot of conversation about various things with a person or completely on my own immerses in my tasks. I hate the in between mode of having someone in my space whilst I’m doing a solo activity yet not talking to them but he says he likes that kind of thing. I’m a bit all or nothing and don’t see the enjoyment in doing two solo activities sitting next to each other (I would prefer to commit to doing the solo activity all alone in a room or dedicate my attention to chatting to a person)

My mind is always super curious and wants to know everything about everything.

I get the feeling a lot of others find me intense too (though no one else really says it out loud except him)

It's exactly that, Neap. It's an individual's decision to decide how often they want to wash. If they want to leave it a week, then they need to find the rare person who won't mind that.

There are no rules. We make our own boundaries. The decision about how we want to behave lies with us, and nobody else (unless we're breaking the law)

I’m kinda surprised of the labels of ADHD, ASD even narcissism due to disliking being cuddled or held during watching tv - I’d rather watch TV without being touched or have a conversation. I know it’s probable I may have one of these conditions but that’s a lot of different labels for a singular trait & that I use my phone after 2 hours or so talking with him which annoys him to the point he grabs my phone and throws it on the ground.

I use my phone after 2 hours or so talking with him which annoys him to the point he grabs my phone and throws it on the ground

That's hugely disrespectful. Does he disrespect you in other ways other than not liking you to talk and throwing your phone?

I think if it’s something I want to change I can -rather than reduce the dating pool hugely. But to change, I need to understand exactly what I’m doing wrong first (as that’s the challenge as I can only view things from my viewpoint no matter how obvious it seems to another person)

Well, I don't disagree, @Eckhart, but I think it's also worth saying that if a person would like to have or keep a partner, or the possibility of a future partner, they need to consider what unusual elements of their personality/habits/behaviour might make that much less likely to happen.

@neap yeah that’s kinda what I said in my message just above yours at 2.30 pm

Sorry, that was to @Eckhart's earlier point, not the one about the phone grabbing.

@Neap yup of course - my comment is in reference to @Eckhart ‘s earlier point too rather than the phone grabbing

OP how old are you? Also are you foreign by any chance? I am asking because younger people can be very inquisitive and reflective and your intensity reminds me of me and I am foreign. Listen I will be blunt. If you live in the UK you will struggle. People here don't do well with what they describe as keen and I guess intense people. Some rare gems do appreciate diversity and that's your crowd. You can also try NLP and CBT in an effort to re program your responses to external stimuli but not your personality. Also what about counselling for you and your partner? He did good to voice a concern, but if you both learn how to communicate better, you may end up feeling closer by being able to phrase things in a kinder way. You can also speak to someone about ADD, ADHD, ASD, just to take it out of your mind. Being different is something to be treasured and never worry about what others think of you, but rather how you feel about you.

I use my phone after 2 hours or so talking with him which annoys him to the point he grabs my phone and throws it on the ground.

Well then your relationship is unhealthy enough I think you should split up. I said that earlier, even before you shared this snippet - that's awful and surely a huge sign this won't work?

Throwing your phone because you're paying attention to that not him is beyond compatability and into the abuse zone. He does not have the right to risk damaging your posessions because they are getting more attention.

Is the not being tactile with him actually a personality issue with him rather than not being a tactile person? If he's resentful, that's not going to inspire companionable company in anyone.

This doesn't sound like a relationship worth changing for. In a good relationship there are compromises but they are mutal because they are worth it, but you can not change the fundamenrals of who you are.

You sound incompatible to me. I can be intense and love an analytical conversation when the mood strikes. But I had I had a boyfriend that sounds a little like you - wanted to have very intense conversations in the evenings. He had a day job that didnt challenge his intellect at all whereas I did and was too burned out to have those types of conversations during the week. What do you each do?

Just FYI to the PP - many people like myself get intellectual fulfillment from watching TV that isn't 'shit' too.

I think being in the same room as someone and being able to pursue your own hobby at the same time is precious. He says he enjoys this and you say you don't - but what you should realise is ths is how many relationships function and I'm not sure you will find a twin version of yourself.

Lastly I think him throwing your phone is a red flag and I would leave now.

Thanks all so far.

@Maria53 yeah I see what you mean. Just how common is it sit entwined in each other watching tv etc. I don’t think I’d mind if I was doing solo activities in the same room as him without any physical contact but I don’t know how common that is or again a sign I’m not neurotypical. Constant physical contact just makes me feel kinda suffocated, trapped and on edge, which in turn makes me have analytical conversations almost as a pressure release to distract from those feelings.

It seems I crave a lot of mental stimulation whilst he craves a lot of physical stimulation. Frequent sitting in silence and cuddling - how common is that in most relationships?

We both have intellectually intense analytical jobs

I think the ‘constant physical contact’ thing is a separate issue really. I have hugs and stuff with DH but I would be suffocated and jumpy if we had to sit cuddled up on the same couch to watch a film or tv. I don’t think constant anything is healthy.

That said, I couldn’t be doing with highly verbal, intense, analytical conversation as the majority of communication either. It sounds exhausting. So I was kind of sympathising with your partner a bit until you mentioned the phone throwing, so now I think he sounds like a bit of a dick really. If you’re happy with who are generally then it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible, and he sounds like disrespectful prick.

OP I hate the separate activities but in each other's space too. Drives me up the wall if I am concentrating and somebody is just there 😂.

OP, do you and your partner never share a companionable silence? Where you are with somebody but you don't feel the need to talk to them? I spent most of last weekend sat out in the garden with DH, not talking much, just being, sometimes doing a little gardening.

You sound a little like my friend's ASD son. He talks to stim. Constantly. It wears her out because he's following her around the house monologuing about whatever his latest fixation is. I obviously don't know his side of the story, but I know it is driving her insane at the moment, because she can't get away because of lockdown. She's seeking medication both for him and herself, because it's driven her to depression. His ASD is medicated, but that's not working well in the current climate.

She asks him to be quiet, gets about three seconds of quiet, and then he starts up again. Analysing the news stories about Covid. For twelve to fourteen hours a day.

Does any of this ring a bell to you, OP? Because a diagnosis may help others to make sense of your thought processes, if it does nothing else. And they may also cut you more slack if they know it's something you literally can't 'rein in.'

Frequent sitting in silence and cuddling - how common is that in most relationships?

Also known as: sitting down together and watching a film/tv programme? Yeah, it’s extremely common. Most couples do it almost every night.

@Jellybottles sorry I didn't notice the part about constant physical stimulation. I think every relationship is different. I don't like being constantly touched when watching tv. But there has been a time when I hated cuddling with a guy and it's because I wasn't in love with him. Anyone I've truly loved I've also enjoyed cuddling with them. That is my experience.

Thanks everyone so far. Does sitting in silence for lengthy periods perhaps come more naturally in a very long term relationship?

Most of my relationships have been about a year, whereas his last one was a lengthy (10 +years) relationship where it might have naturally got to the stage of being in each other’s company in silence

The problem isn't silence or the length of your relationship.

The problem is that this entire thread is about you. You wanting silence, you wanting to talk (both at times that suit you), you wanting to analyse your partner, you wanting to analyse films, you analysing yourself, you being like a fizzy bottle about to explode, your hobbies, you not wanting to cuddle, you wanting to be on your phone, you getting bored easily, you wondering if you have ASD, etc, etc. It's exhausting to read, let alone live with.

You, you, you. It's like you're in a relationship with yourself. There is nothing here to show that you have any feelings for your partner. It's all 'is this normal, is that normal'? No it isn't normal to have so little feeling for a person you are supposed to be in a relationship with.

" I can only view things from my viewpoint no matter how obvious it seems to another person)". Most people don't want to be around someone with no empathy. It could be a sign that you are not neurotypical or it could be a sign that you are self-obsessed.

Sounds like ADHD.

Find someone who absolutely loves and respects you for who you are or be single (which is also fine). If you ultimately decide that you wantto change because you are not happy with yourself then seek help/ counselling but never try to change to make someone else happy.

It isn’t sitting in silence though is it?

It’s trying to listen to a news story while the other person talks relentlessly over it with their ideas and view point. It’s annoying.