Partner says I’m too intense all the time - how do I chsnte

[JellyBottles]

I know I’m intense but I don’t know how to reign it in. He says it is difficult to put up with in the late evening but something he likes fine the rest of the time (he is intense too in his own way).

He says he feels analysed (his personality, psychology etc) as I try and link certain behaviours, cross analyse, find common ground between me and him, discuss differences etc

I can’t help it though - I’m a very analytical person (it’s a huge part of who I am) so I don’t know how to stop doing that.

I like to spend evenings either having a lot of conversation about various things with a person or completely on my own immerses in my tasks. I hate the in between mode of having someone in my space whilst I’m doing a solo activity yet not talking to them but he says he likes that kind of thing. I’m a bit all or nothing and don’t see the enjoyment in doing two solo activities sitting next to each other (I would prefer to commit to doing the solo activity all alone in a room or dedicate my attention to chatting to a person)

My mind is always super curious and wants to know everything about everything.

I get the feeling a lot of others find me intense too (though no one else really says it out loud except him)

In a way, I think it’s kinda a shame that someone who always wants a hug, cuddle etc. is seen as lovely and sweet yet someone who always wants to be chatting is seen as intense. I can often cope with the latter in people but not so much the constant physical contact personally.

I think the thing is that because your expectations are extreme and rigid, your judgement on this is so impaired. It doesn't sound like he wants "constant physical contact" it sounds like he wants it some of the time, which most people do and isn't an unreasonable or unfair expectation.

Of course that's not saying you should do it just because it's 'normal' as that would be unfair on you, but you don't seem to be able to acknowledge that what he would like is not unreasonable or overbearing. It's more that you want it all on your terms and currently you do get that.

I think you sound incompatible. Your expectations as I say are very rigid and extreme (which is totally fine - not saying there's anything you should have to change) so I think they would create sadness and resentment unless you are with someone who shares those expectations.

I don't like constant physical contact and I love alone time, but even I would be sad if my partner felt a cuddle was a chore, so I couldn't be with someone who felt that way.

Don't you think as you don't sound able to compromise that it would be kinder to you both to have the chance to meet someone who did meet your needs and share your expectations within a relationship?

I'm quite intense, but I keep it 99% inside my own head iyswim. I'm always looking into space with a glazed expression, thinking my thoughts 🧐
The idea of trying to involve someone else in my thinking time by saying it to them fills me with horror. I guess I never share, because I'm so used to being my own 'sounding board'. My husband is for lighter, funny chats. We almost never talk 'seriously'.

@Gurning I wish I could do that!

I think it’s a little less scary and daunting to know I just need to learn to be quieter rather than less analytical (which would be much harder to change I think unless I was always on some sort of sedative)

Are you the same poster that every one in life is jealous of and finds intimidating?

Throwing an idea out there- have you tried journaling, OP? You could write down some of your observations of people rather than telling them all to your partner. Or there might be a forum where you can talk to people about it. personalitycafe is all about different personality tests (Myers-Briggs etc) and they do a lot of analysing people, typing characters from movies, etc. Your partner can’t be your sole outlet for this stuff.

@riotlady
That is a very good idea (in a way I use this forum for that kind of thing too haha)

I guess the main objective would be to find a way to channel my intensity to other outlets and keep it myself the rest of the time. That’s definitely more do-able than just becoming a less intense person. I wonder if I make a conscious habit of channeling and keeping it to myself, if it’ll become an automatic habit after a while. Remembering to do it all the time long term will probably be a bit draining.

@JellyBottles to be clear, I don’t think you should keep it ALL to yourself, just make sure you have a few different outlets. You can maybe talk to your partner about it for half an hour, then do something that he’d like to do, etc.

What's your hobby OP

The only thing you need to change is your partner. You are not too intense, you are too intense for him.

And some others on this thread, who seem to think that it's a good idea to change for your partner.

Be who you are. If he doesn't like it, he needs to find a way to deal with that. Which might be to leave. Or you could leave. But you don't sound compatible. Probably not what you want to hear, though. Sorry.

I understand the need for stimulation. Even when I watch a film with my partner I’m always reading or researching something in my phone (unless I’ve never seen the film and it’s very engrossing). There’s nothing wrong with being you but you may not be compatible with your partner. If you want to stay with him you both need to find away to accommodate each other

I literally couldn't cope with this. I am INFJ interestingly but I cannot cope with people who are constantly talking. It makes me want to scream. In his position I would feel that I either have to accept you doing that or be alone while you go off to another room. So I would be compromising my own happiness and mental health.

Now I do like to analyse and I tend to channel that into my interest of true crime and chat to others online about it. My DH does not like to be analysed all the time, so I don't do it. However I am happy to sit together in a room while we do our own thing and am very cuddly. So I would say I do have similarities to you but not to the same extent IYKWIM.

The thing here is it sounds like you either need to find a way to change or accept you two won't last. You don't sound compatible. You may find another person who loves being analysed. I have a friend with ADHD who I love very much but I can't spend longer than an hour with her as I just need quiet.

And some others on this thread, who seem to think that it's a good idea to change for your partner

In fairness, it would be a rare human being who was OK with being incessantly monologued at every time he or she was in the same room as a partner who was literally unable to have a thought without vocalising it, and who doesn't appear to have a theory of mind sufficient to understand how draining this might be for the other person. By her own account, the OP has to be by herself to be silent. She says she is literally incapable of not verbalising when she is with her partner.

There's a difference between reinventing yourself for a partner and recognising that your behaviour is likely to cause problems in a relationship with ANY partner.

And I think the 'analytical'/'intense' thing is a total red herring, and a sign of the OP's lack of self-knowledge. The effect of continual chatter would be the same whether she was analysing her partner's personality, talking about Hegel, or retelling the plot of old episodes of Coronation Street.

By her own account she sounds like MIss Bates in Jane Austen's Emma.

In fairness, it would be a rare human being

Then OP must find a rare human being, or be single. I don't advocate changing for a partner. I don't advocate silencing yourself for people who won't put up with you. Why should OP change and not her partner? He is not meeting her needs. Is he changing himself?

I think the other thing I find kinda hard to get my mind around is what joy do people get with being together in silence doing separate things but holding hands in comparison to having a chat together or doing our own things separately in different rooms without holding hands. I’ve just never really felt the need for that.

I’d get it would be annoying if I was a clingy chatter box who wanted to be around people 24/7 but I’m the opposite of that. I can go several days alone without speaking to a single person but when I do meet with people, I love to have deep analytical conversations (it almost scratches a mental itch for me)

@Neap it might also be worth mentioning I have tried to channel my analytical intensity via using my phone to read the news, forum posts etc. when I’ve had the urge on long walks (e.g 3 hour walks where I’ve spent the first 2 hours talking to him) but then he’d get infuriatingly mad at me for paying attention to my phone and not talking to him the whole walk. So I find it really challenging to find the balance I guess. I always seem to get it wrong.

There is nothing wrong with you, why should you have to change completely? When we have relationships we all have to compromise a little - agree when it’s time to talk and when to be silent. If, however, the compromise means you have to surpress who you are and do it all his way then you will be miserable and you would be better to find a partner who loves who you are rather than needing you to change.

Op you're wrong, a diagnosis would dramatically change your life!
Dh has adhd, unmediated he is high as a kite, disorganised, constantly interrupts people and generally just challenging to be around!!

Thanks @Sillydoggy

@allfalldown47 yes I suspected for adhd there is medication that would help even as I was writing it but I’m almost certain for ASD there isn’t..?
What medication does he take? Does he get any side effects? I’m very organised but the rest of it rings true with me

I suspect it might be the feeling of being analysed all the time which is at the root of the issue with your partner. Am not exactly sure how plays out in reality OP, but I would find the feeling of being “observed” exhausting and it would make me really self conscious

@Jellybottles it's called Elvanse, he takes one a day and has to take it first thing otherwise he can't sleep until late.
The only side effect he has is a slight decrease in appetite but he is aware of this and it hasn't caused any issues.
I'm not sure about medication for autism?

It might be that your special interest is either your partner in particular, or your romantic relationship in general. Hence the intense focus.

Do you have an interior monologue, or do all thoughts have to be verbalised when in company?

I think it is likely that you are neurodiverse. A diagnosis for DS has explained some of his behaviours and put them in to context. Some behaviours can be managed and redirected, but you can't fundamentally change the core componants of a personality. He will always be an analytical perfectionist. He can manually learn situations to encourage and suspend displaying that behaviour, but it can not be quashed outright. That's where the issue of compatibility comes in.

In a loving relatuonship, it's not compatible where one person is either off or full on for attention and the other needs a half way companion. Neither of you is wrong, you're just struggling to meet each other's needs in quite a fundamental way. You can't fake that. If sitting side by side on the sofa is making you twitch and bubble away, neither need is being met adequately.

Sorry OP but you sound selfish, self ent and distinctly lacking in self awareness.

You want to be able to do your own thing separately for hours but then expect your partner to immediately listen to your analytical conversation as soon as you join him wherever he is.

Your posts strike me as having narcissistic traits.. You seem to think you are intellectually superior because you can analyse prople/conversations / you like to analyse your dp's behaviour and find differences to discuss... Blimey are you head teacher there to "improve him" with your enlighting analysis..

Your dp clearly does not like being analysed in this way and frankly I don't blame him.

Most people would find it difficult to have their every move subject to scrutiny by a pseudo analysist

Then OP must find a rare human being, or be single. I don't advocate changing for a partner. I don't advocate silencing yourself for people who won't put up with you. Why should OP change and not her partner? He is not meeting her needs. Is he changing himself?

@Eckhart, with respect, I think that's like saying that it's unreasonable to improve your own poor personal hygiene because it's 'changing for a partner', and you don't advocate washing and changing your clothes daily for someone who won't tolerate you as you are.