Partner says I’m too intense all the time - how do I chsnte

[JellyBottles]

I know I’m intense but I don’t know how to reign it in. He says it is difficult to put up with in the late evening but something he likes fine the rest of the time (he is intense too in his own way).

He says he feels analysed (his personality, psychology etc) as I try and link certain behaviours, cross analyse, find common ground between me and him, discuss differences etc

I can’t help it though - I’m a very analytical person (it’s a huge part of who I am) so I don’t know how to stop doing that.

I like to spend evenings either having a lot of conversation about various things with a person or completely on my own immerses in my tasks. I hate the in between mode of having someone in my space whilst I’m doing a solo activity yet not talking to them but he says he likes that kind of thing. I’m a bit all or nothing and don’t see the enjoyment in doing two solo activities sitting next to each other (I would prefer to commit to doing the solo activity all alone in a room or dedicate my attention to chatting to a person)

My mind is always super curious and wants to know everything about everything.

I get the feeling a lot of others find me intense too (though no one else really says it out loud except him)

The boyfriend, and some of the people on this thread, sound like dullards.

There's nothing wrong with being intense, it's far better than being superficial. I've been told by more than one person that I'm very intense but there are times when I relax and am silly so it's not 100%. Funnily enough I had a boyfriend years ago who said I was, "So intense!", and, blimey, there was nobody more intense than he, he could outdo all of us!

"He says he feels analysed (his personality, psychology etc) as I try and link certain behaviours, cross analyse, find common ground between me and him, discuss differences etc "

I would find that really unpleasant. People find common ground or differences by doing things together, not by analysing each other and discussing what they've observed.

Thanks everyone so far

Not necessarily that I don’t give him enough space @afterschoolworry as he has complained I give him too much space often by working on my own projects for hours in a different room so the space thing isn’t an issue. It’s more that I’m all or nothing. Like full on extrovert or full on introvert.

I just find it difficult and distracting to be cuddled, held etc when trying to do my solo activities a lot of the time I guess.

Hm perhaps the need some people have to be cuddling others most of the time is similar to my need for stimulating conversation a lot of the time (like intellectual intimacy) as I use it as a way to connect, just like some do with cuddles. Sadly, over cuddly people are seen as endearing and over chatty people are seen as irritating perhaps

Was this just a passing comment or was it part of a Very Serious Talk?

@Plumpi no, I’d welcome any conversation by him. I always said I could listen to him all day. I more meant times when he doesn’t want to chat and instead be silent and cuddle, I’d much rather be in another room doing my own thing rather than semi doing my own thing with a distraction of being touched

Learn to have an inside voice sometimes, it’s fine to think deeply about many things but if you really can’t shut up ever and you give the impression you have to speak constantly then yes it will be tiring for others.

It’s more that I’m all or nothing. Like full on extrovert or full on introvert.

Obviously, that's exactly what's so challenging for your partner. There's no reasonable balance and it's all on your terms. That would be hard, if not impossible, for anyone to deal with.

@ExShield bit of both from what I can recall. He often backtracks afterwards says to ignore him but I know he wouldn’t say it in the first place if he didn’t mean it

"has complained I give him too much space often by working on my own projects for hours in a different room so the space thing isn’t an issue. It’s more that I’m all or nothing. Like full on extrovert or full on introvert. "

So you want to do your hobbies on your own for hours and then come back to the room and analyse him? That doesn't sound like a relationship.

Aquamarine I’m not sure why you feel the need to project your own experiences in such a way. It’s plain rude.

It sounds much more that the OP would like to go off and do her thing and come back and not have to sit in silence having her knockers twiddled!

It sounds much more that the OP would like to go off and do her thing and come back and not have to sit in silence having her knockers twiddled!

@ExShield

Interesting how you twist the op's mention of cuddles into being sexual molested. In no way and not once did op state that was the case. Projecting much?

I’d much rather be in another room doing my own thing rather than semi doing my own thing with a distraction of being touched

Me too! Actually, that sounds normal

Aquamarine it’s you that’s just made a connection between knocker twiddling and sexual molestation! Why not just scroll on and leave the OP alone?

If you genuinely want to change you are going to need outside help such as counselling. However, your posts don't sound as if you really do want to change. If that is the case, you need to resign yourself to losing this relationship. I must say, I simply couldn't stand being with someone who is constantly trying to apply amateur analyses to everything and everyone.

Fascinating. I am really similar to you. I love analysing people and talking theories. My partner can do it for about an hour but then he gets twitchy. I am really comfortable with him so I feel I can just talk on and on about all these weird things and he humours me for the most part. I love chatting to him. But he needs a good deal of space. Often we are in the same room doing different activities but I'll call over now and again to say something I've seen on TV or whatever. When I'm with my friend, who is sort of similar to me, we can talk for 3 hours straight and still not be finished talking. But we are both introverts. We just get extroverted around each other.

I totally understand you, like completely. We are crazy similar. Ever done the Myers-Briggs personality test? I bet you're an INFJ. Just a bit of fun, it's not regarded as actual science. My husband is an ISTP, I wonder if yours is as well 😂 They find theoretical stuff hard to listen to.

I think I probably have a bit of codependency issues and maybe an insecure attachment or something. I have very low self esteem and a small handful of friends. I think I expect my husband to meet all my emotional/physical/mental needs and he does his best but obviously not really fair on him.

He puts up with me and loves me regardless of my quirks.

Sorry I've gone off on a tangent.

@DuvetDay1212 ah that’s interesting to read. You do sound very similar to me..!

I’m an ESTJ consistently every time I’ve done the test. Funnily I heard that there’s way more INFJ types interested in Myers Briggs than any other personality type - perhaps because they’re very analytical? No idea what my partners personality type for Myers Briggs is though.

I have the low self esteem thing going on totally too

Thank you @ExShield for your supportive words

The only way you can deal with this, is to train yourself,to have some quiet time, without the incessant chat, Your partner has told you that some things annoy him. Everyone needs to chill, and have some peace and quiet ,and tranquility at times.

Op you sound just like my dp. He is all or nothing too and i suspect he has asd and adhd (his family and childhood dr agree). He constantly overanalyses my facial expressions even when im minding my own business. He talks at me about his interests for long periods of time (i rarely get a word in and when i do he overanalyses everything i say and gets argumentative) he asks where im going all the time even when im going to the bathroom or kitchen. But then on the other hand when he wants alone time to play plahstation or something he can fully ignore me for 8 to 16 hours at a time. Its very very stressful to live with and unfortunately there is no cure. Its something you just have to train yourself to stop doing as much. Maybe schedule your alone time and then make an even time to chat and be you with dp and time where you are together just watching tv or something.

Truthfully I don't think this sort of behaviour is sustainable for a relationship long term. Surely there are sooooo many occasions (on long journeys, on holiday around the pool, at the cinema etc) to name but a few, where you're with your partner but not doing an activity which requires conversation. What you're essentially saying is anytime you're with your partner (or anyone!!!) you want to be having an intellectual conversation?

I think you need to try to see it from your partners perspective and understand how that may be suffocating. I appreciate your need for stimulation but it is terribly unusual to not enjoy down time unless you're completely alone. Realistically, and I really apologise as this will come across a bit brutal, but a lot of people would find that exhausting and unsustainable in a partner. You need to find someone who has the same sort of needs and desires of you or find a happy medium. Truthfully I do find it unreasonable to expect unlimited conversation whenever you're spending time with another person, and if you were my DP I wouldn't be able to put up with it for long.

How long have you been together? Do you live together permanently?

Let's face it, all personalities have manifested more during lockdown! Have you felt that?

I don't think there's anything wrong with either perspective, it's just basically a clash in personality. My DP 'unwinds' by returning from work and basically giving me a verbatim rendition of 'Sam said this, and then Bob said that', and I frankly find it boring and tedious as fuck after about 30mins 😳. However, I give him the airing time as I know he feels the need to unwind. By contrast I rarely speak about my day as my job is essentially listening to others, and I'm pretty much listened out by home time. I personally love nothing more than slumping in front of the TV watching something mundane, and hitting a hot shower to unwind. My 'analysis of anything' is normally at a -5 😂. But on my days off when my batteries are recharged I feel more ready to be involved in chit chat, and full on discussions. Each to their own I suppose.

You're incompatible. Ignore pp's who say you're too intense, they mean you'd be too intense for them but you'll be just right for the right person.

You don’t sound ‘intense’ to me, you simply sound over-talkative, as though you literally can’t keep your mouth shut if there’s someone else present. For someone who claims to be extremely analytical, you don’t seem to have a lot of insight into yourself, or the ability to prioritise someone else’s occasional wish for companionable silence.

Fair enough if you don’t like film, but can you not understand that for someone else who does, it’s infuriating to have someone wittering away about the motivations and psychology of all the characters in Reservoir Dogs while you’re trying to watch it, or visibly checking their watch to see how long to the credits so they can finally give you their all-important thoughts?

As a pp said, feel free to be as analytical as you like, but keep your analyses to yourself. Go on receive mode rather than transmit. You don’t need an audience for these thoughts. They are equally valid if unspoken.