I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

I’d stop buying smoked salmon and salmon if I were you. It’s getting you nowhere at all.

I don’t understand why you are so worried about upsetting an eight year old. He said he’s going to watch tV and you can’t take the TV away? I can’t tell you how quickly I would have taken the TV away. 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ Don’t do things to make him like you. That’s not who you are, you are his parent. And it’s not working anyway.,

I’m bewildered as to how you have ended up at the bottom of the family. You are like the scullery maid whereas you should be at the top and in the middle where things revolve around you! I’ve got two teenagers and I have fantastic relationships with both of them but I hold all the cars. I have the Power as He-Man says.

Smoked salmon bagel wasn’t one of the two options so why did the youngest end up with one? Then threw it away. He played you like a fiddle and then spat on you.

@AddedHiccup

You only have to take the Tv to pieces once for them to know you mean business! Now all I do is wave my screw driver at them and my kids know to stop fighting about tv.

I wish I'd used my head and just taken the batteries out of the remote, though. But putting it back together was interesting so we all got a life lesson 🤷🏻‍♀️

The biggest thing I've learnt is to stop prioritising my convenience. Taking 5-10minutes out to appropriately discipline then, even if it makes you late, actually saves so much time in the long run. It's like getting them into a sleep routine, it's difficult and inconvenient initially, but long term it's invaluable.

I've got very good at ignoring my kids tantrums. No amount of hitting, shouting, etc. Will get me to back down once I've said no. I don't say no very often but when I do that's a line drawn. I won't say no unless I can explain my decision to them afterwards. The talking is as important as the punishment IMHO

@lottiegarbanzo

He likes to play on his console laptop, sometimes he will play with Lego and puzzles but he likes to do this alone.

He isn’t really getting much exercise because he refuses to come out with me, he was fine at the beginning of the pandemic. There was one incident when we went to the park, he run away and just wouldn’t stop running DS(18) thought it was funny and I had to shout at him to run after him.

And no DS(18) wouldn’t behave like this in front of his girlfriend (well I hope he wouldn’t) and he would never cook for me.

@redbigbananafeet I know it wasn’t but I just wanted him to eat something.

You gave them two choices for breakfast. Eight yr old decided he didn't want either of them and demanded something else....which you gave into! Why on earth did you do that? You're straight back to square one because you've tried to install a new system and he has demanded something else and straight away you've given in. And then he took one bite and threw it away ....to show you exactly who is boss.

You're not a maid or a servant or a hotel. You really need to grow a backbone and stand up to your children.

Even offering them this hotel-worthy menu of breakfasts is adding to the problem. I repeat, you are not a hotel and not their servant.

Breakfast now needs to be cereal or toast, which they make themselves. And fruit from the fruit bowl. Which they prepare themselves. Occasional treat cooked breakfast at the weekend if you want to , which the eighteen year old takes turns to cook because you can teach him how to do it.

You are not parenting either of them at the moment ....instead you have been their long term skivvy at the bottom of the pile. You are now reaping what you sowed in many ways, but two days into trying to change you've pathetically given in and made him another bagel.

I honestly think you need some parenting lessons, this is just not on.

Oh man. It’s exhausting just reading this. I really feel for you OP, but you have to pull it back.

I feel like it might be family meeting time! Explain that you are shattered, that you need more support, that things are doing to change. They are both old enough (and definitely clever enough by the sounds of it!) to listen and understand you.

1. Produce a meal plan for the week. Explain to them that this is what they are eating. There are no alternatives. If the 18yo wants something different (a cooked breakfast) he can buy it and make it himself.

2. produce chores rota for the week. 18yo can cook for the family at least one a week, put bins out, etc. 8yo can clear table, water plants, put away dishes, etc. There should be a decent job every day for everyone.

3. reduce screen time. 8yo cannot have screens for anything other than school work between 9am and 3pm.

4. increase exercise. They must each go for a walk each day. If they don’t, WiFi password will be changed.

Also, do some reading, 123 Magic is a good place to start (won’t work for the 18yo but will for the 8yo)

Good luck

Oh come on OP. I'm with you all the way here, but surely you are beginning to realise that you are making a rod for your own back. In the nicest possible way - stop being such a doormat.

You are not running a fancy hotel, where chef provides salmon, avocado, pancakes and whatnot for breakfast and the waiting staff are dancing attendance on the guests. Provide the basics - they can help themselves to cereal and fruit. They can make themselves toast.

The 18-year-old is more than old enough to look after himself in the kitchen. Come to think of it, he can go shopping and buy the food he wants. When was the last time he made you a cup of tea or a sandwich?

Yes I know it’s not on.

@thatsallineed he doesn’t, if he is making a drink he will offer but that’s about it.

[quote ChiaWatermelon]@redbigbananafeet I know it wasn’t but I just wanted him to eat something.[/quote]
Why?

He will come to no harm whatsoever if he misses a meal or two because he is being stubborn. In fact a few hunger pangs might do him the world of good, and make him less of a ungrateful brat.

I’m staring to wonder if this OP is a troll. Hundreds of people are giving you very clear instructions and at the first opportunity you go against every piece of advice and back down. Your meal (particularly breakfast) sound a bit dubious too.

Agree with majority of PP.

You asked what he wanted to breakfast and he waited till you made it to change his mind, at that point its tough, he either eats it, makes himself some thing else such as cereal or waits till lunch.

Likewise why are you bribing him with amazon credit? Of course hes not going to listen and resist as he knows if he does then he will get a treat! You've taught him that misbehaving benefits him, whereas if he was to behind you wouldnt bribe him and he wouldnt gain anything!

You need to turn that around. If he misbehaves he has a consequence, and if hes good all day then there is a benefit. And being good all day does not entail arguing for a hour, and then eventually doing something because he knows now hes argued he will.be rewarded for doing it. If he argues and resists then that's a consequence for every ten minutes. If he does it within ten minutes eg getting out the door to go shops, then that's added to positive behaviour and goes towards and benefit.

Behind you = behave, you

@redbigbananafeet I am not a troll, I made progress yesterday and I will make more progress today, I haven’t gone against any advice given.

What sounds dubious about breakfast? I like to cook, it’s one of the things that I am good at and keeps my mind occupied.

Op it really is tiring and frustrating reading this.
You really have to get things under control the whole thing sounds like a complete mess.
@MsJaneAusten has literally broken it down for you perfectly. Call a family meeting, have these points written down and discuss each one with them, tell them moving forward this is how it's going to be.
Your in a vicious circle of feeling exhausted because of their behavior, but not doing anything about it because your exhausted.
Bite the bullet, and stand up to them. Tell 18yo he can cook you all dinner on a Monday night, sit down at the begging of the week with them and hash out a meal plan with their input, then stick to it, all eating the same meal no deviations. If the day comes and one of them doesn't want to eat fine then they don't eat or they make something for themselves.
Tell your 8yo that every day you will be going out for a walk and he will be coming with you, maybe ask him to choose where you go so he feels he has some input, and make time to play with him, I hear you saying he plays alone my dd6 would play on her own all day if she could, but she isn't allowed, we make sure she interacts and plays with us throughout the day.
DD17 cooks us dinner at least once a week sometimes more.
Friday night we have pizza and movie night, we all take a turn in choosing the pizza and the movie, it's quality time together we all look forward to.
You can do this you just need to keep the resolve and don't give in for an easy life.

You said you’d give him two options. He made a third option and you gave into his demands. That’s completely going against all the advice you’ve been given. And start playing with your child. No wonder he sees you as a maid if all he sees you do is make elaborate meals catering to his every whim.

What I have found is that if I cook one meal then initially my kids might say "I don't like it, I only like chocolate pancakes with Nutella, marshmallows and ice cream" but that when they're hungry an hour later and not been provided with an alternative they will ASK to try some dinner. I don't kind zapping things in the microwave. If not then I'll offer veg or fruit, maybe some chicken, ham or a hard boiled egg, a couple of hours later anyway

MsJaneAusten has an excellent list to aim for, there, but it may be too much, all at once, from nothing. How about building up gradually, one change at a time?

I do think food is a difficult battleground - kids tend to dig in. So take the heat from breakfast: make yourself something delicious that will fortify you for the morning. Give the boys the chance to learn independence and self-care by getting their own. Change your mindset: by making food your 8yo has shown you clearly he doesn't value, what are you teaching him? And what would he learn by making his own?

Does this ring a bell for you OP? I find it very useful. I wish I'd found it when DS1 (now 11) was little.

www.janetlansbury.com/2014/03/parents-struggling-with-boundaries-3-common-reasons/

I have learned parenting is a long game with three stages. When they are tiny, you set the boundaries and then you prevent them being crossed. Mostly these are things like putting up stairgates so they can't use the stairs unsupervised, keeping pens and paints on a high shelf so they can't draw on everything etc. Essentially by preventing behaviour you don't want you protect them from the consequences of their actions, mainly because things like allowing a toddler to learn road safety by running into the road and getting run over would be disastrous!

By the time they are grown up they choose their own boundaries for their behaviour and they decide for themselves what they do and how they behave. But there is a stage in the middle where you need to set boundaries and also let them have a bit of space to figure out what happens if they break them for themselves.

If you're the kind of person who shies away from conflict this can be the most difficult stage. I know it is for me. I think I hoped that we could somehow go magically from the first stage where I can protect him from the real impact of all his decisions to the last one where he would develop a sense of where he should be and just do it, but in fact you have to go through the middle stage to get to the end. Otherwise one of two things happens, you get a very entitled young person who believes they are invincible or real life bites them on the bum totally unexpectedly and they don't have any coping skills for it. So it is actually a kindness to let your younger son experience negative consequences for his behaviour now, while those consequences are upsetting but completely manageable. It doesn't mean you need to turn into a harridan or anything.

ignore their breakfast antics. It is not like you are offering just Allbran. No more extravagant ingredients , maybe have in eggs, bread for toast, jam/honey, cheese, bacon/ham, cereal, juice, fruit, yogurt and let them get on with it. They are questioning it because they are not used to it. Tell them you are not prepared to waste food or time. They will not starve themselves.

If you like to cook, then cook what you want to eat, and provide enough for them as well. If they don't like it, then tough.

There are two choices at mealtimes. Eat it or don't eat it.

Your teenager needs to learn how to cook. Teach him.

Keep breakfast options basic. If they don't eat, they don't eat. Stop supplying fancy choices to be rejected.

Food and exercise are your first stage battles, the food because it's costing so much time, effort and money. Exercise because it's vital for burning energy, mood boosting endorphins and sleep. I take mine out in the evenings because it's cooler and they don't run around in the heat.

My cousin had a lead about 1 foot long on her TV because the plug got cut off that often for poor behaviour.
I hide remote controls.

Stick to your guns.
Stick to your guns.
Stick to your guns.

It will not be an immediate sucess. There will be more flare-ups on the way, but he will learn and change for the better. This is an investment.

DS(7) has sometimes ranted "I hate you" recently (I'm guessing lockdown frustration as it's not his usual style) and my answer is to say "I wuv you" in a silly little voice. He tends to blow out the anger and end up giggling.

I have copied most things said, into my notes. I will keep re-reading over them during the day.

I am determined to get DS(8) out of the house for a walk today, I will do it.