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Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 18:14

@SunshineSmellsLikeSummer

Yes, I am weak there’s no hiding that. And sorry if I am coming across as whiney. As I said above I am emotionally drained. DS(8) is also asking to go and stay with his dad, we tried that a few days ago but he wouldn’t stick to the agreement. I have a lot on my plate at the moment.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 27/05/2020 18:22

The words 'take it or leave it' are as applicable today as they were in the 1970's.

I doubt your sons are going to waste away, poor little souls.

fuckinghellthisshit · 27/05/2020 18:24

Well that is a lovely dinner.
They are lucky to have such a kind mum.
You need to remember it is a parents job to ensure DC are able to take care of themselves and be decent adults - not to make their child happy all the time.

When DS got very silly and started getting up and watching Tv at 5am told him no twice then cut the plug off. Yes, I had no TV, it was a silly thing to do in hindsight, over the top and daft but he never did it again and he is a very kind, very respectful 16YO who is currently cooking tea for the whole family as I've been working all day.
You need to shift your mindset and think how you will feel if he dishes this crap out to his wife in 20 years - will that be ok? No, and this isn't either.
If they don't eat the lovely meal just put it in the fridge. Salmon sandwiches and potato salad for lunch. Lovely.

After this phase is done, you need a source of enjoyment away from the children. You love cooking so start cooking what YOU want. Watch the films you want, put on the music you want. You will find they respect you more as you are showing respect for yourself.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/05/2020 18:27

You're not weak. It's tough being a single parent, particularly if the other parent is not someone you can easily co-parent with, particularly if your personality doesn't fit in well with parenting alone (eg you're not naturally a leader or if you dislike confrontation) and particularly if you don't have a good support network of family or friends - or even if you do but current circumstances mean you have less support than usual.

Don't give yourself a hard time. (You've got kids to do that for you! Grin )

feelingdizzy · 27/05/2020 18:32

Choose your battles and then always follow through. Do not over engage,if he doesnt do as asked tell him the consequence calmly then walk away.If he doesnt do it follow through quietly and efficiently,I tend to do the I gave you the option this is the choice you made.I also tell them because I love them ,that's why I give them boundaries.I raised my kids alone it's possible.I promise.

1AngelicFruitCake · 27/05/2020 18:45

You’re doing great! Rome wasn’t built in a day x

Doodar · 27/05/2020 18:45

They're controlling you, some very good advice here. I think you need to sit them both down and tell them the new rules and consequences, then stick to them.
They can both get their own breakfast for a start. meal plan at the beginning of the week and stick it on the fridge, if they don't like/want there's nothing else.
Have you got a car? lock all remotes etc in there, change the password to the wifi.
Go for a walk on your own to get away from them.

1AngelicFruitCake · 27/05/2020 18:48

My mum loved us do much she didn’t make me do any cleaning, cooking or thinking of her a bit more because she loved nothing more than making us happy. I had an idyllic childhood but I really struggled as a late teen/young adult as I had so much to figure out for myself. I ended up looking pretty stupid at Uni when I had no idea how to cook! I love my children and that means I’m equipping then to be confident young people.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 19:21

@Doodar Yes I do have a car, I don’t think I need to go to the length of locking things inside there.

I’m just so fed up right now, as I said before I need a break.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/05/2020 19:53

So did they eat dinner? Ds2 should not be napping in the day, you need to take tv away earlier and having some down time before bed. I'd put money on him finding a way to watch later than you think he does.

FourPlasticRings · 27/05/2020 19:58

Kids of that age only have tantrums because they think it'll get them what they want. This is the reason they don't do it at school- it doesn't work there.

So, when his previously established way of getting you to do his bidding doesn't work, expect him to try an alternate tack or two. He may double down and have the worst tantrum you've ever seen. He may become aggressive or violent. He may give you the silent treatment. He may try to hurt you emotionally (he's already started by the sound of it). What's very important is that you do not give in to any of these new, worse behaviours. If you do, those behaviours will then become his go-to when his regular tantrum isn't getting results. It's important that you stay calm, stay matter of fact, rise above and use the language of choice. I tend to deflect the blame from myself by pointing out the inconvenience a consequence causes me.

For example: Look, I don't want your TV taking up my wardrobe shelf. Believe it or not, there are things I'd rather store in there and I'm sick of seeing it every time I open the door. At the same time, you've given me no choice here. I want to give it back to you but I can't do that while you continue to act like this.'

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 19:59

DS(18) and I ate together. DS(8) has said he is hungry and wants to choose, I've told him that he hasn't got a choice today. Of course he is sulking as usual. Now won’t go upstairs to get ready for bed, I would like an early night tonight seen as I haven’t slept.

OP posts:
DHMB20 · 27/05/2020 20:27

I would tell him that if he doesn’t go upstairs and get ready for bed you’re keeping the laptop for another day and maybe he also loses the TV tomorrow? Make it very clear that there’s a new mum in town and she means what she says! You can totally do this!!!

mbosnz · 27/05/2020 20:43

I'd actually just make sure the TV was inoperable, the house was secure, and go to bed.

It gets really boring if you're left to sulk in the dark without an audience, or something to watch. (I wouldn't know from personal experience, of course. . .)

lottiegarbanzo · 27/05/2020 21:42

I'd second the 'there's always bread and fruit' approach. It means they won't actually go hungry.

With new foods, I also think the obligaion to try a bit is important. If they try it and really don't like it, I'll cook an egg for them instead but declining to try things that they could reasonably be expected to like is not ok.

What your 8yo is doing is all about power and control. He wants to be in charge and have you as his servant. Imagine an adult man behaving like that towards the woman in his life. Some do. They're nasty pieces of work; controllers, bullies. Don't encourage your poor son along that path.

Your 18yo sounds much more sensible. When he does pull his 'I'm not eating that, I won't eat any dinner' stunts, how does his girlfriend react? Does she sensibly eat hers and say 'please yourself!'? Or is he too embarrassed to behave that way in front of her?

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 22:18

@lottie

Whenever she comes over, I cook for the both of then (he will tell me what he wants to eat beforehand)

I'm so drained!

I've finally got DS(8) to sleep, despite him telling me he doesn't like for almost the whole day today, he asked if he could sleep with me tonight... which I find a little bit strange.

A bit worried because hasn't had anything to eat this evening except a drink. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Thanks for all the support you've all given me today.

OP posts:
Saz12 · 27/05/2020 22:27

He wants to cuddle in with you because you’re his Mum and he loves you, and he’s had a tough day (it’s no fun being a shit-bag!). He’s only 8, and he’s being awful to you all day and now wants to be sure that you still love him.

Are there any fun things you could do together tomorrow? Just something silly and low-key. You’re doing great; it’ll be a rough ride at first but it will get easier!

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 22:37

@Saz12

I love him so so much. We can’t do anything fun at home because he likes to play by himself.

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 28/05/2020 08:35

Chia they know you love them. You don't need to demonstrate it every day by being a doormat.
You take care of them, give them boundaries and help them grow up and learn responsibility.
You can sit them down and say 'look boys I am exhausted and I have had enough of living in this manner, so I'm changing the way we do things and I need your support.'
If they want specific meals, they can give you ideas at the beginning of the week.
Stick to your guns OP please, otherwise it will simply get harder and harder as the years go by. You DO have the power to change.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 28/05/2020 09:35

Another disastrous morning.

I woke up actually feeling positive, I gave the boys two breakfast choices.

Salmon and poached egg with avocado and egg or pancakes.

DS(18) said he would like a cook breakfast because he is trying to gain weight. DS(8) asked for a dinner because he didn’t eat yesterday.

I told both that it’s that or you eat cereal or don’t eat at all. DS(18) “mum I don’t understand... why are you being so difficult this morning?” but in the end settled for salmon and poached egg. DS(8) then decided he wanted a salmon bagel only to take one bit out of it and throw it in the bin.

I don’t understand why they are keep on doing this.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 28/05/2020 09:44

The younger one will get hungry eventually. He's testing you.

Btw, when you say he wants to play by himself all the time, what do you mean? What sort of games and toys? When does he get his exercise?

Also, when do you spend time together as a family? If you don't do things as a family, it's no wonder they don't respect you as leader of the family.

If all you do is cook and clean for them, no wonder they see you as their personal chef and servant.

The good news is that habits form very quickly. So it's hard to do things for the first time but, if you start doing them regularly, they become normal very quickly.

BertiesLanding · 28/05/2020 09:48

It will get worse - perhaps a lot worse - before it gets better, OP. He is testing you and your resolve to see if he can start to respect you and your decisions. Stand firm. Remind yourself: you are his parent, not his peer, nor a friend. He can tell you he hates you - and if he can do that, then at the very least that means he feels safe enough with you to let you know how he's feeling.

But, whatever happens, stand your ground.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 28/05/2020 09:51

DS18 can make himself a cooked breakfast.
DS8 needs a bollocking for throwing away good food.

Tell them why you are 'being like this' - because their behaviour is unacceptable and it is driving you to distraction. Your sons need to learn how to treat other people with respect, and how to be part of a family.
You've finally had enough of them treating you badly, and it changes, from today.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/05/2020 09:55

Again, would your 18yo behave that way in front of his girlfriend? Talk to her like that? Or would he get his act together, put on his 'kind and competent person' face and cook the breakfast himself - for her and for you?

3LittleMonkeyz · 28/05/2020 09:56

At 8 you need to start teaching them to be independent. Put out the cereal and milk and fruit, some other bits yoghurt etc. And let him help himself. Or teach him to make his own bagel/toast.
Same with lunch, teach him how to make a sandwich and let him do it himself.
He needs to be cleaning and tidying his own space, start small with tasks like putting dirty laundry in a hamper and build from there.
Encourage him to be independent as much as possible. With his bedroom, he can have rewards for his space such as a new light or being allowed a tv in his room if he keeps his space nice. These can then be taken away if he doesn't. With food he will start to understand the work and effort put into it, and if he chooses not to eat those things that's his prerogative.
Use screen time to your advantage. Changing the WiFi password can be very helpful here, or removing devices and chargers, or the controller for consoles.

You will get some big negative reactions to start with. Backing down will show that he can walk all over you, standing firm will show that you are in charge. But don't make the punishment disproportionate. If he's used to doing whatever he wants whenever he wants then suddenly removing devices for a week would be dramatic and disproportionate and asking for trouble. But taking it away until he puts his laundry in the hamper would be much more effective IYSWIM.