I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

He seems so unbothered, why is he doing this to me?

Don't take it personally. He's not doing it to you, he's doing it for himself.

Our TV needs a remote control to work it.

I’ve hidden the remote control before to stop the DC using the TV in these sort of scenarios.
I wouldn’t just go up now and confiscate the remote control if TV hasn’t been mentioned before, but I’d tell him today that his TV use for tomorrow onwards is dependent on good behaviour, walks etc, just like his other devices are.

As for why is he doing this to you? My guess is that he’s trying to get you to back down and give in.

@HoppingPavlova

Yes it does have a remote, but it’s SKY television so it could easily operate it by the box.

I have just checked in on him and he is fast asleep, hopefully he will wake in a better mood.

I don’t even want to go for a walk anymore, once he is awake I will ask both boys what they want for dinner, hopefully we don’t have a repeat of this morning.

why is he doing this to me?

It's also a bit dramatic. I agree that he's not doing it to you, he's doing it for himself.

I think it really would be useful to get some parenting support on this (I can recommend Love and Logic - some areas offer it privately).

Because your perspective on this is so out of whack that you're going to struggle to make it work without some support.

I don’t even want to go for a walk anymore

That's just petulant.

once he is awake I will ask both boys what they want for dinner

Right. What I do is we have a family meeting on sunday before I go shopping. We discuss what meals we fancy that week. When they were younger, they got to choose one and then I filled in the rest. Nowadays, we all pretty much want the same things anyway and just plan as we fancy them. Then i shop for them. We all take it in turns to cook (21 and 14 yrs old). The youngest likes to find new recipes on the BBC Good Food website so we incorporate those too and she cooks.

Asking them what they want just reinforces the idea that you're there to do their bidding.

You need a complete mindset overhaul.

So rather than ask them what they want tonight, do what others have suggested and say," tonight, I'm making X or Y. Which would you prefer?" Choose to options you know they like. If they argue, say, "In that case, I'll make X/Y" and then do it. They won't refuse food forever.

You have set this current situation up and now you need to end it.

DO NOT ask either boy what they want for dinner. If you give them the message that they are in charge and you are the maid then that is how they will act. Let me ask you, what do you want for dinner, ChiaWatermelon? Go and make that. He can eat it or have cereal.

So rather than ask them what they want tonight, do what others have suggested and say," tonight, I'm making X or Y. Which would you prefer?" Choose to options you know they like.

That’s the way we do dinner time here too.

Although I do offer them buttered toast or plain crackers as an alternative if they refuse the dinner options because I’m a softie.

Growing up our dinner choices consisted of take it or leave it.

Do you know what I would do?
Wait till about 6pm, when it's a bit cooler, say to your sons I'm going to go out for a walk, sort yourselves out something for dinner, I'll do mine when I get back.

Then go for a lovely long stroll in the peace and quiet.

If he has TV in his room, how do you keep an eye on what he's watching and when? So whether it's age-appropriate? Whether he's watching past bedtime?

Napping in the daytime sounds like he's been up too late. That won't make him feel good, or leave him with any energy for walks etc. It's a recipe for lethargy and whinginess.

OP, I wish you luck and resolve for the next week - your son’s had everything his own way and any boundaries will be a shock to the system. He will attempt to outplay you, to strip and sulk, to get around consequences on technicalities, to tantrum.

Think it all through yourself first - what boundaries do you want, what do you insist on, where are you flexible.

Then talk it through with them both, family meeting style.

It sounds daft but getting things written down and signed by us all made a huge difference to resolving similar issues when my boys were younger.

@growinggreyer I am so used to asking the boys want I don’t even know what I’d like to eat.

@lottiegarbanzo Sky parental controls, he doesn’t really go to bed late unless he has napped during the day.

Up to you how far you want to escalate things, op, but personally I wouldn't be letting my disobedient eight year old have his own TV. He's far too young to be locking himself away in his room for hours on end.

The words we use in school are choices so we phrase it as making a good choice, we do not say you are making a bad choice, we just use the word good, so you are not making good choices.

This shows that at 8, they are in fact, choices. They choose to behave in a particular way then they also choose the consequences that go along with that.

If the TV is in his room, now may be the time to remove it. Any reaction by him is just a tall tantrum, like a toddler would react but he is taller. You never, ever back down on what you say so choose carefully. If he hands over the laptop say thank you and leave. He wants to win, so do you. You have won by him not having the laptop.

I am not sure how it works with sky, but can you change the tv channel so that it isn't on the right channel to access sky? ie if you remove the tv remote then they can't access sky either. Last resort remove the bloody sky box. Unplug it calmly and remove it.

If it helps you, I found singing Tom Petty I won't back down in my head. But that was for a toddler not an 8 year old.

Re school work tell him school will be disappointed when he returns and hopefully he won't find the work too tricky when his classmates find it easy as they have done the work. And tell him he will be the one to have to tell the teacher why he didn't complete the work set by him/her.

Also in the school day in Ks2 they have a playtime, it doesn't matter if they want to stay inside, they have to go outside. No choice. The same for your walk. You don't give him a choice, you don't ask if he is coming you tell him he is going.

On no account to you get Ds1 to help you parent your 8 year old. It undermines you as the authority figure. I know that this is hard for you, but you can do this. Otherwise you may well have an uncooperative teen on your hands who is bigger than you.

I have two teen sons, Dh is over 6' so I knew I would have to get the discipline in from day 1 because at some stage they would be much taller than me. They both are.

Good luck. It will take time, you can do this.

Omg this is getting so frustrating. You’ve given up again op!

He doesn't get to go to bed late today, though. He gets his meal or cereal and he goes up at his usual time. He can read in bed if he is not tired. Keep on going, you will get there.

You're letting him down badly here OP. Children need consequences and boundaries to feel safe and secure. When they don't have them, they misbehave. You need to have a spine here.

You can switch the tv off. You can confiscate the remote.

If that doesn't work then either you take the fuse out of the plug, or you go to your fusebox and switch the whole lot off from there. And don't let him see where the fuse box is, otherwise he'll just go and switch it on again.

Find your inner backbone OP - you can do this.

I don't ask the children what they want to eat. I tell them what I am going to cook and serve. I get to choose what gets put in front of the tube, they get to choose what goes down the tube.

If they do not wish to eat it, they have two choices;

1. Nothing
2. A piece of bread and butter and a piece of fruit.

Both choices involve a very early night, because I'm not wasting my evening watching their petulant little sulks and tantrums because things haven't gone their way. If I wanted to watch that, I can just turn on the TV and watch this bloody god-awful excuse for a prime minister.

@Azaziel I have NOT given up, please don’t say that because I am trying my best.

Dinner is in the oven, just a simple salmon, new potatoes and some greens.

DS(8) has said he is not eating because I didn’t ask him what he would like to eat, DS(18) asked me does he have to have it, can he have something else. I replied “Yes if you want to continue eating here” I do actually feel bad saying that, because it’s not nice. But he gets on my nerves as well I’m tired of him freeloading.

I am proud of myself, but I know I can do a lot better.

Should I give DS(8) an option of something in the fridge? or not?

Not!! He's just going to have to get used to a new you. If it's something you know he usually eats, stick to your guns!! You CAN do this.

ChiaWatermelon
No! Theres nothing wrong with what you're giving them. Presumably you're not feeding them stuff you know they actually despise so they eat that or nothing.

Tbh, OP, you're coming across as weak and whiney. You need to toughen up because, as someone else said, you really are letting them both down at the moment.

@MalingeringMary & @SunshineSmellsLikeSummer I would never serve them something that I know they didn’t like.

I just feel so emotionally drained, I wish I could have a break for a few days.

Good instinct with your reply to the older one, OP.

Dinner sounds lovely! They are lucky boys - they'll realise it some day...

This is suburban suicide hour, OP! The worst time of day for most families.

Got a treat planned for later?

You've got this!