I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

missing the odd meal isnt going to do him any harm

Missing a few meals (which is his choice, by the way) is going to do him far less damage than the impact of continuing to parent him like you were before.

I clearly don't know what your culture is as I don't know you? Just wondering where the boys entitlement comes from.

@tired

It has obviously come from me giving them an easy life!

Chinawatermelon can you confirm that you have removed all screens?

Well, obviously

I hope tonight's dinner has gone well. Don't allow DS1 to bring in a takeaway for DS2. It's totally undermining you. I suspect youngest knows you worry about his size so he likes to test your resolve about eating. He'll eat when he's hungry. Stay firm, we're all rooting for you!

What has gone right today OP? What connections have you made? Games played etc? Try to focus on the positive.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

Three deliveroo driver (one after the other) have been here this morning, I asked DS18 what he is doing and he said that he has had to order food because I’m not feeding him. He said that he has ordered lots so he can freeze them.

I cooked DS(8) a dinner today, please don’t be angry with me but if you saw how tiny he is you’d understand.

I have taken his Nintendo switch.

Did you make him what you wanted, or what he wanted?

I have read the whole thread and really sympathise with you OP. I think if you are not naturally authoritative then parenting can be really difficult. I struggle with discipline. At the heart of it is I have always found it impossible to believe that I should be in charge just because I am the parent. This idea that because I am older I am necessarily right. I think people who have the whole ‘respect your elders’ and the idea of ‘because I said so’ as a parenting style and that if you are the parent you get to set these limits that I have always found arbitrary have a much better time at gaining control of the house. I was a very good child, barely needing any discipline which unfortunately did not prepare me to raise wilful children.

I know a lot of parents who absolutely believe that they are the parent and are automatically in charge. I really think that is the attitude to cultivate. Interestingly I have a fairly senior job where I am often in charge. The difference is I feel I earned and deserved that and have proved why I should be .

This is such a difficult time for everyone and screentime especially is hard now. Everyone I know IRL says their kids are on a screen a lot.

You sound as if you are making great progress .

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

I made him what he wanted, before he fell asleep he said that he just wants to go back to school.

@DisorganisedOrganiser

Thank you so much, such a nice supportive message.

All I can do is try again tomorrow, I didn’t come this far only to come this far.

That is a good sign , maybe he is starting to see that you are not the soft touch he believed. It is heading in the right direction. DS1 can cook for himself if he can be bothered. Make meals for yourself and ds2 , cheerfully, and he may yet realise how much he taken your cooking for granted.

Can you contact school to see what plans there are for his age group? Tell them he is struggling with a lack of routine and peer interaction.

Op, maybe you're trying to go too quickly, can you discuss the changes with him and agree what he will do?
Eg if he was doing no work at all, then an hour a day would be a significant achievement.
The food thing is clearly a biggie, can you agree with him what he will eat that day? - give him some control, after all he's had all the control until now, it really won't be easy to give that up. Give him a choice of two things that you know he'll like and cook what he chooses.
Have you heard/ read about love bombing? Shower him with love and attention but not by giving him everything he demands.
Your elder son is not coming out of this too well frankly. I would say that he doesn't get to use your money for Deliveroo, doesn't get to use your freezer space and doesn't get to eat it with you/ in communal space.

If he ate it nicely, that's still a plus. Why not think of it as a reward for doing a little school work today? After all, that's a significant improvement on two weeks ago!

You could take it in turns deciding dinner, the two of you still eating together. With the proviso that if he throws his food away (saying no thanks is fine) then he doesn't get to decide the next time. That might be a good way to stop the bad behaviour with the food.

Sounds like you're getting there with your younger ds, great work. Even when things slightly go awry, just make sure to go back to the original plan after - consistency is key. As a pp suggested, maybe contact the school to see if they can help?

That said, your older ds sounds really rude and entitled - and the way you treat him makes me think you're letting him have the best of childhood (i.e. no responsibilities) and adulthood (i.e. choice and greater autonomy). He is allowed to act as he wants, have his own money but also no responsibilities or consequences for truly shocking behaviour such as assaulting a small 8 year old. This just isn't what happens in real life, so I do think you need to work on him and his behaviour too.

Yes @taptonaria27 yes I’ll try that.

Have you heard/ read about love bombing? Shower him with love and attention but not by giving him everything he demands

I already do, I am always telling both boys that I love him! I do not spoil them by letting them have their own way or by giving them material things like everyone here thinks. I am also not paying for DS(18) deliveroo

@Charlotte

He always eats nicely, he has very good table manners, yes I need to let both boys take turns in choosing because this is just a disaster!

It’s not a disaster. You’re getting there.

My 8yo is also desperate to go back to school. I’m going back soon so he’ll get a KW place and he’s delighted. Seriously though, we’ve done very little school work, just reading and times-tables. It sounds like you might need to start just by finding a few ways ‘in’ to him. Why not do a board game together tomorrow? Game of Life, monopoly, uno etc are all forms of maths. Or watch a photography tutorial on YouTube then take a camera out and see what he can take pictures of?

By eating nicely, I meant not throwing it in the bin or otherwise spoiling it. So, if he throws his food in the bin when it's your turn to choose, he misses out on his next turn to choose.

And yes, I meant you and he take turns to choose, not the two boys! The older one seems to have opted out of family meals for the moment - and tbh, until you can trust him not to assault his brother again, that's for the best.

he said that he has had to order food because I’m not feeding him

I hope you see how ridiculous that is. It's pure power play, guilt tripping. Why do you think the idea of cooking has never entered his head? Ok, maybe we can guess.

I need to let both boys take turns in choosing because this is just a disaster!

Isn't that what got you in this position in the first place?

Tell your adult son what is being cooked, if he doesn't like it he can cook / order for himself or - gasp - move out and be in charge of his own meals.

Your younger son won't die from missing a few meals.

OP..

Don't go backwards now. Leave your elder son to it, he is being dramatic & trying to manipulate you.

Your youngest will eat when he's hungry.

Stop pandering & take back some control.

And seek professional help. It must be exhausting making rules as you go & changing them & re-startimg & stopping. Even I am finding it tiring & I'm just reading it. You need to be taught the skills. If your own parents did not equip you, then find it in a parenting class.And find yourself a counsellor who can help.you understand how things ended up here...

DS(18) has assaulted DS(8) this morning.

He has left the house, I really can’t cope with this.

Deep breath.

Is DS2 safe now?

Are you?

Do you want to tell us what happened?