I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

His free access to screen-time may be a large part of your issue. Mine is only a toddler, but give her too much screen time and she transforms into a very obstinate and stubborn little thing, prone to tantrums the second she doesn't get her way. Maybe try a screen detox?

Brilliant posts by @Whaddyathinkofthis
I too was impressed with the tidy room, looks lovely :)

I hope you give yourself credit for how much stronger you sound.
Your getting there, one step at a time. X

@Whaddyathinkofthis
@Oblahdee

Thank you
DS(8) has OCD he is an absolute night mare at times because he likes to have everything in order. (As can see)

Both boys are very good when it comes to keeping the house tidy because they know I don’t like any type of mess/dirt.

We managed to get through the morning, DS(8) cried a few times, I asked him why he was crying he said because he is angry and is adamant that he is not doing any more school work today because I’m not letting him choose anything.

ChiaWatermelon You are indeed making wonderful progress and well done for your efforts. As PP has said try to turn the mindset into positive. Not ‘or else I’ll take away’ instead ‘brilliant, if you do you’ll earn your reward’ Also its been mentioned but you’ve not addressed (maybe over the weekend?) sit down together and draw up next weeks meal plan. No offense meant, but do the boys have many friends?

@redbig

No offence taken, DS(18) has plenty of friends, DS(8) has many friends in school (he is always invited for play dates and birthday parties) but he is just not interested in socialising with them outside of school, I don’t know the reason behind that because he just won’t say.

So tell him to choose which school work he wants to do and when.
Then when he complains, remind him he set the day out himself.
By giving him options, that only include things you want done, he feels he has choice, but it is within the framework you want.

Well done OP on your progress, don't give in. If he is whiny & crying tell him it is his choice to do work & be rewarded or cry over it, not do it & miss out on the reward so he still won't be happy.

Stick to it, do not not not give in. And still I say get some professional help. Interesting that boys keep house tidy as they know you don't like dirt etc. That sounded like you have made sure that they know & understand the rules around this. Would there be a consequence to leaving a room very untidy?? How come boys don't know what other behaviours please & displease you? I may be speaking out of turn but maybe DS2 prefers home alone to socialising with other kids outside school because home is where he can cry, misbehave, tantrum....exert his control & power? He is unlikely to do it in front of guests presumably & if on a visit elsewhere, what parent would put up with it - and he knows this.

Please do not give in. Also...when telling (not threatening) DS1 that violence =police, do it out of earshot of DS2...he might try his damnedest to provoke a situation to get DS1 into trouble.

I commend your efforts this morning OP... but you have a long road to go yet, please get professaional help.

ChiaWatermelon

Ah you're just rubbing it in with the tidy rooms now!

@Sion

Yes there would be serious consequences for leaving the house untidy, (I don’t do know what I would do)

I am very house proud, I have always let both boys have whatever they want in their bedrooms and had it designed just the way they wanted it.

Yes exactly, he knows he can only misbehave at home, I just don’t know why he thinks it’s acceptable.

I just don’t know why he thinks it’s acceptable.

Its because, until now, it has been acceptable.

You've done a bit of a number on yourself really as far as this goes.

Children will only do what they are allowed to get away with. In the main. Which is what you're seeing now you have started to put rules and restrictions in place.

Take how you handled your older son's behaviour re your younger son. You must let it go, reassuring yourself it won't happen again. But that relies entirely on your older son's good will. You havent put anything in place to prevent it from happening again.

That's why they feel this behaviour is acceptable.

You’re doing brilliantly OP.

I have a suggestion for tackling the school work, but allowing your son a feeling of choice...

We went on our first package holiday last year - pools, spa, kids club, entertainment etc. (Bear with me, it’ll get relevant soon!) and tbh, we all found it really overwhelming.

I introduced ‘family meetings’ every morning. We all said what we wanted to do. Everyone’s ideas were noted down. We discussed those that clashed, added times to those that needed them etc, then went about our day. At lunchtime, we checked back, ticked off what we’d done, prioritised the others, etc. It was just a simple way to avoid FOMO and to let everyone have their voices heard.

At the start of lockdown DS (8) suggested we did the same. He wanted to call it the Battle Plan (“because we’re battling coronavirus”) So every morning, over breakfast, we note down the stuff that has to happen (Reading, TT Rockstars, gardening, walk, go to dad’s, etc). We add times to those that need them. Then we get on with it. We tick off those that have happened, we add things if we think of them, etc. It’s pretty informal, but this way, they can decide if they want to do maths or gardening first, and I can ensure it all gets done. If you wanted to, you could also include meals on here (so that DS knows what to expect, or so that the discussion/choice bit comes at a different time to the meal itself)

I’m going against the grain slightly here, but we’ve done very little formal school work (and I’m a teacher!) but we’re doing board games, walks, gardening, etc - so lots of time to talk, which it sounds like you want to get to with your 8yo.

I really hope that helps.

MsJaneAusten

That's also how we do it (also a teacher).

At the start of the summer hols we write a 'What I would like to have done by September'list and we do as much as we can to meet everyone's needs.

It helps with the sense of control definitely!

I just don’t know why he thinks it’s acceptable.

Its because, until now, it has been acceptable.

And your reaction to the ironing toppling shows how normalised it is. You expect it: it's no big deal. So that is also how your DS sees it: no big deal to you.

When you start reacting with a feeling of "No way! This is not happening in my house!", that'll be a clear indicator of how much things have changed. Like your reaction to the idea of untidy rooms.

Well done with getting some school work done! Great post by Whaddyathinkofthis about the type of "sheep pen" you want to be aiming for.

I've found this lockdown so far really helpful for building connections with my DC. I hope you do, too. You're working on building the right atmosphere for strengthening family relationships.

OP...start harnessing those seroous consequences (for being untidy) for other behavious you don't like. What are the consequences? If you can get them on board with tidying, you can do it for other thinhmgs with some major backbone. I don't see how you didn't see that yourself & use those tactics. I still say you need professional help but I expect you are not taking that on board as you haven't mentioned anything about making appts so I do wonder do you realise how seriously matters escalated between your boys. With no consequences

And to those who say don't send DS2 away...as though you were planning to hand him over... I understood you needing a breather esp at times of high stress...if yiur Mum is happy to have him overnight I wdn't sweat it. As long as he is safe & cared for & it is not punishment to go... it isn't like he is being sent to the gulag.

The teachers' day planner idea is a v good one. As long as you don't end up rowing (DS2 sulking etc) that schoolwork/ education must be on there.

Keep trying but get professional counselling please...

If it helps I used to cry at that age when my mum made me do homework. I just wanted to be watching tv/playing.

I eventually stopped crying and got on with it myself, she didn't have to make me from 12+. Because I knew not doing it wasn't an option

Things aren’t going well

Wouldn’t do any more school work, wouldn’t eat lunch because he wanted to choose,

DS(18) isn’t talking to me but I don’t care.

Did he have breakfast today?
Missing lunch won’t harm him so stay firm

He wouldn't eat his lunch and now he'll be hungry. That's a great natural consequence - he'll survive until supper, although you can give him free rein over a fruit bowl (apples and bananas, don't start importing Sharon fruit or something because he demands it)

If he won't do his schoolwork, he hasn't earned any screen time. Let him fight you. Know that he won't win. The second you give in, his ploys have worked and you're back at stage 1.

He wouldn't eat his lunch and now he'll be hungry. That's a great natural consequence

Yup.

This has been their lives for their whole lives.

Have you explained to them yet why you're making these changes?

Even with them totally on board, it would be 3 steps forward and 2 steps back at this stage.

It takes about a month for new habits to embed.

If he won't do his schoolwork, he hasn't earned any screen time. Let him fight you. Know that he won't win. The second you give in, his ploys have worked and you're back at stage 1.

This is massively important!

And it does need to be about earning screen time if he works and the natural consequence of not doing so.

Stand strong OP...the might of MN is behind you.. you can do it!

and and if you need it

He had some fruit for breakfast, just a little bit though. It’s very important to me that he eats, he is 8 but very tiny and light for his age (I’m very slim myself, but I can still carry him)

Are women subservient in your culture, OP?

@tiredvommachine

What do you mean by “my culture”? please tell me what my “culture” is!!