I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

How is it going with his home schooling?

@DoYourTitsHangLow

I managed to get him to do 35 minutes of maths, with the threat of me taking away all devices. I’m going to try get him to do some English work soon.

Well done!

That's good
Once he sees you are serious about implementing rules about one thing he will hopefully realise that these are things he has to do

Good for you @ChiaWatermelon. Stay strong, he'll soon get the message.

Great he is starting to do work. But it is not about threatening he loses devices but that he earns the opportunity to use them. A more positive message.

Maybe telling both boys that things have to change as you are feeling unwell due to the ongoing conflict , would help them be less selfish.

On super nanny they always have this family meeting with the new rules and then have them written out on the fridge (with consequences). Sometimes even star charts.

It might help you keep track of it all if you write down the rules then think about/hone them then when you're ready implement them in a meeting and put them up. It will help you to remember and give people less excuse to break them.

That doesn't sound too difficult does it? I think it should include little chores and maybe even a timetable - between 9-11 is school work for example. Otherwise ds will go back and be at a serious disadvantage and you'll get the blame for that.

You are actually slowly making progress of a sort but don't seem to value work - homework, them doing housework, it's like you see both as a bad thing/ to be avoided. But neither ds will marry a wealthy woman who will keep them so they need to learn the world expects them to pull their weight.

I can't think of any better example than this thread to demonstrate the saying that money can't buy you happiness.

Not taking any money from your 18 year old isn't doing him any favours - at some point he will chose to find a place of his own and paying for rent and utilities is going to come as an enormous shock.

But I forgot, of course that you are wealthy so will no doubt pay for everything. I truly pity the woman who will eventually live with him - he won't have a clue how to live like a self sufficient adult and will be expecting you to financially support him throughout his life.

Your 8 year old appears to be in desperate need of discipline and boundaries and it's clear that you aren't currently equipped to make that happen which is why I hope you get real life help from somewhere.

Good luck.

[quote ChiaWatermelon]@DoYourTitsHangLow

I managed to get him to do 35 minutes of maths, with the threat of me taking away all devices. I’m going to try get him to do some English work soon.[/quote]
I'm sorry OP, but you have got that completely the wrong way round. That is not the way to enourage him to want to do anything willingly.

What you are supposed to do is to tell your ds that once he has done his schoolwork, then he gets the reward of having his devices.

You need to start rewarding good behaviour.

There is no point in responding to bad behaviour by threatening him with punishment, especially since he knows that you rarely follow through. Start encouraging good behaviour by explaining your expectation, and if he behaves in the right way, then 'nice thing' happens. If he doesn't behave, then he has only himself to blame if he misses out.

Hi,

Just checking back in, I got DS(8) to do some more school work, he literally cried whilst he was doing the second and third half.

I didn’t cook anything special for dinner today. I just did a simple chicken, new potatoes and veg. Both boys turned their noses up at it. DS(18) “mum what is that, forget this I’m ordering deliveroo” and with that he left, DS(8) said he doesn’t like it, without trying it and asked for something else, I told him there’s nothing else until tomorrow morning. He then went into the living room and picked up the pile of ironing that he watched me stand and iron and threw the pile on the floor!

What should his punishment be?

I did a little shop this evening alone.

There will be no more salmon and bagels for breakfast.

For breakfast the boys will be offered croissants and fruit.

Lunch

Sandwich/Bagel I won’t be making DS(18) for him and taking it upstairs.

Dinner

I’ll be choosing.

The only days the boys will be dictating what they eat is on Saturday and Sunday.

@RainMustFall

Not once have I mentioned having money? So I don’t understand why you are saying money doesn’t buy happiness.

You need to think of the consequences - maybe he can pick it all up and hang it all?

Don't change the rules you already have please as that will undermine what you have already put in place - remember consistency is really important.

Not once have I mentioned having money?

You don't work, take your children to Monaco and Dubai several times a year, buy your son expensive equipment and feed them salmon multiple times a week. What would you be paying for all of that with, if not money? Unless you're a particularly energetic prostitute with a very wealthy patron?

Also, who paid for the Deliveroo?

Make him pick them all up and hang them up. Switch/iPad is gone for another day/3 days/week if he refuses.

chia I think you're using food as a punishment now which will only make the drama sounding surrounding it worse as they fight back. By all means take control but don't do it out of umbrage. You sound like a duck in thunder.

Natural consequences work best.

He ruined the pile: he can tidy it back up again.

He didn't eat tea: he gets nothing else cooked for him.

They need to earn their treats.

Have you had a chat to your eldest. Perhaps you can tell him the week's menu and if he doesn't like anything he can sort himself out for tea after you and youngest have eaten. Kicking off about his dinner will only encourage his brother to follow. If he is fed up of DS2's behaviour, he needs to help you by showing DS2 how to behave.

Well done for today. Small steps, you will get there!

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

He paid for it, he also bought some for DS(8)

I don’t think I am punishing them with food.

I have already picked up the ironing, I am going to get him into a routine with his school work, so after breakfast he can do some online classes on his laptop, seen as he didn’t want to do paper based work.

Hopefully it goes well, I’m really trying guys.

Put your foot down. No online learning no xbox or whatever his game is. He should have to earn time on it Him refusing to do the online assembly shows he has zero respect for you most kids at that age wouldn’t argue with their parents about it He will respect you if you have clear boundaries In place and consequences for not behaving but you must follow through with no empty threats

You're remarkable. This is hysterical.

So DS2 refused dinner, got bought a takeaway, threw your ironing on the ground and didn't have to tidy up? Yep it's going reeeeeallly well.

@BahHumBag

Why do you always have to be nasty? I’m taking things one day at a time.

It's just a blip. Don't give up.
Tomorrow is a new day and you get to start all over again.
He does need some consequenses for throwing the ironing on the floor.
Ds 18 needs to start contributing to the household finances. Put it away in a savings account if you don't need it. Give it him when he moves out, but don't tell him about it.
We did this with Ds #2 He had £2000 for appliances in his first place.
When you put Ds 8 to bed each night, lie down with him and talk. We used to call it talk time. They had to tell me 3 things about the day. What went well, What didn't go well and what he could have done differently. Then you do the same.

You are definitely making progress!! Keep going! 💪🏼

Thank you.