I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP why don’t you just take it one day at a time. So just tomorrow, ask yourself:

1. What is the plan for breakfast? What will the consequences be if either of the boys make breakfast difficult? (Could be different consequences for each depending on what happens and their ages)
2. What is the plan for DS(8)’s schoolwork? What will your consequences be if he doesn’t agree to do schoolwork? (Maybe call his teacher? If he doesn’t want others to think badly of him this may work)
3. What is the plan for outdoor exercise? Consequences?
4. What is the plan for lunch? Dinner?Consequences?
5. Can you find a way during the day to have some ‘fun’ with the boys and lighten the mood?
6. Are you going to have a conversation or issue consequences for recent behaviour (eg the fight the boys had or DS(8) running away) or start with a clean slate?
7. Are you going to sit down and explain why things seem different and try to get them on board?

All of these are totally up to you but it might help to make some decisions beforehand and try your utmost to stick to those decisions. Then make a plan for the next day, etc.

@mbosnz OP is a loving parent. She knows she’s getting it wrong and she’s asking for help. It’s only actually been a few days since the start of the thread, people are expecting miracles!!

Oh also

1. How much time is DS(8) allowed on his video games/computer/TV? How will you enforce this? (unplug, take the controllers, change the wifi password etc.)
2. How much time is DS(8) allowed to be in his room on his own?

10. What can you do for YOU? Something you enjoy that doesn’t involve being a parent

@fiddlesticks Stop being such a bloody prefect!
I’m not the only one calling out this carry on.
You keep saying there there there, at this rate there’ll be police and SS involvement in this ‘parents’ life.

What the fuck have I just read??

@tiredvommachine
careful, head girl @Fiddlesticks345 will report anyone thats a big meanie

I think the reason people are getting frustrated is that the OP has been given lots of advice over 30 + pages but OP does not seem to be willing to take any of it on board and has said a few times there is nothing she can do

@OtterBe4 no way, you’re out of order. You haven’t got any real concern for OP or her family, you’re just getting a kick out of being horrible. If you did care you wouldn’t be dredging up information from other threads and insulting the OP. Someone who asks for help should NEVER be made to feel that they wish they hadn’t bothered - that’s guaranteed to make sure the problem never gets fixed. Why don’t you go and find a healthy debate elsewhere?

@OtterBe4
head girl @Fiddlesticks345** : love this, will wear my badge with pride

@fiddle
Asking for help? 30 pages in and still nothing, just full of I can’t, I’ve got a sore head 🙄🙄
It’s like a never ending circle of doom 🤣

30 pages, but only a week in real life. One week!

OP, you can have counselling on Skype. You don't need to wait.

Your older son is a real problem because he's violent. This could be your last chance to have some input into this.

@Fiddlesticks

I''d love it if OP took your advice & started implementing those changes & stuck to her guns. But she sounds out of her depth to me & the situation has disimproved in recent days. An 18 yr old reached the end of his self control & reacted with violence toward his brothet. Also her response to suggestions are defeatist or just straight-up ignore but post another update outlining still more worrying behaviour or her equally worrying responses ranging from Nothing - Very Little). If she were my friend, I'd be well past the soft soaping by now & those boys would have gotten the telling-off of their lives. I may even have called the cops by now. OP needs to get it together. It is nice to be nice. But it is kinder to be truthful..

I would go to GP and ask for something for depression as you sound depressed and unable to cope.

ds1 is definitely embroiled in this and needs to be part of any counselling. His indifference, disobedience and aggression is something he has learnt in reaction to this situation. It has not happened overnight and will not resolve overnight. You should not be including him in any discussion as to where ds2 lives and there is every chance ds2 will feel more rejected if you send him away. You need help to identify what of this behaviour is pure defiance and boundary pushing, and what may be associated with his OCD or whatever additional needs he may have.

@SionnachGlic I’m all for straight talking but some people have been downright nasty and that’s not OK. It’s also not productive, more likely to push OP away and stop her from continuing to ask for help.

Morning

Yes, I am depressed! sorry that I am replying late I had a terrible head ache.

I have not cooked breakfast today, I have told both boys to pick what they want from the fridge.

I was up all night, I will not allow my children to ruin me!

OP, in the nicest possible way, your children aren't ruining you. Your lack of parenting is ruining you.

I would strongly advise against sending your child away. As parents, we don't get to make our children someone else's problem when we don't like their behaviour! Take responsibility for how he acts. Sit down with him, set rules and make sure that he sticks to them.

Get your adult son to research how much rent costs in your area, and come up with a reasonable amount for him to pay you. It's time for him to learn to stand on his own two feet.

@SomeOne

I am not going to charge my son any rent or house keeping, I’d rather him just spend the money on himself because he works extremely hard for his money.

I know you think that you're doing him a favour by letting him live rent free and waiting on him hand and foot, but you're really not. You're not teaching him any of the skills he needs to live independently, and you're setting him up to fail when he reaches the real world. As parents, it's our job to prepare our kids to manage without us, not to treat our adult sons like children in order to feel like a good mum.

Your changing, I bet before you would have been in pain and cooked.
Your youngest son needs to know your going to continue with being his best mummy.

@Moumia

Excuse me? This is my life, I can’t help the problems that I am facing right now. I don’t want to keep on coming back here, I wish S I didn’t have to post on here.

If you don’t think this is real, why are you telling me you don’t?

OP, I genuinely don’t understand why you started this thread. You’ve had loads of good advice which you don’t seem to be taking, and you’re not seeking professional help either. What do you want exactly?

@myna

It’s only been a week, I have made changes!