I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

I can't believe people are still taking this thread seriously.

Well if you just join and read the last few comments it sounds real.
But I agree now it isn't.

I'd call ignoring every word you say, ruining his siblings lunch but throwing juice on it and running away from you in a car park behavioural problems......sorry.

If money isn't an object please take up @fuckinghellthisshit's recommendation.

You need some outside help.

@ChiaWatermelon they don't listen because you don't make them! Why are you letting them turn into little shits? Is that a quality you find attractive in men?

They do see you as a joke. Why don't you get help and change that?

If you are going to continue to accuse me of being a troll, I will not come back on here.

This is my life and I have reached out for help, I have made some progress, please stop mocking me.

chia

You need counselling and so does your son, quickly. You can afford it. Please explain why you're not following up on this.

I even asked DS(8) why was he behaving badly, he couldn’t answer. I will call my mum tonight.

Yes me and DS(8) both need counselling, I don’t think DS(18) because he isn’t a problem.

I’m going to have to wait until lockdown is over.

Did you see the recommendation and link from PP who is a physiologist regarding someone who can speak to you over the phone ?

*psychologist

@DoYourTitsHangLow

I am going to scroll up. Thanks

I’ve got a terrible headache.

He threw an 8 year old across a room and isn't a problem????

OP, look at yourself.

Oh fgs this is still going. Your 8 year old has enormous behavioural problems. So does your 18 year old. He's not fine. Stop trusting your own judgement, it's shit.

Yes, but she's got a terrible headache. . .

Stop it, your all being bullies.
This is a mum who has started to put a foot down, and who's children are shocked and acting up because of it.
Don't send your son to your mum, he will see it as a reward. Right now he is learning you rule the roost, it gets easier once you to realise your hurting the younger son by letting him get his own way.
Tomorrow tell DS8 that the shopping drama has meant he gets no pocket money for 2 week. Nor will you buy him anything. Should he act up before this time is up you will add another 2 weeks.
Mark 14 days on A4 paper and cross them off, so your son can see it going down.
Tell him this is for the Juice and his running away.

@OtterBe4 I will keep reporting every nasty comment you make. It is unnecessary, hurtful and childish. @mbosnz there’s no need for your nastiness either.

I don't think it's laziness I think it's fear of 'losing' them. Fear that they will reject her if she tries to take control and fear of the inevitable consequences of bringing them into line. Both sound like they can be very forceful and getting them in line would need a strong will which she thinks she doesn't have.
Totally agree with this @Vodkacranberryplease 👌🏼

Your 8yr old wouldn't dare misbehave around your Mum & he is fully capable of behaving well in public? And he is horribly behaved at home...but doesn't have behavioural problems? Sorry, OP..but yes he does.

Why are you engaging in all this questioning them both about their bad behaviour...it goes absolutely nowhere, your eldest feeds you should smartarse BS & your youngest won't answer. And again..no consequences. I am struggling with this thread. You have a headache...take paracetamol with hot sweet tea & then deal with your kids like the rest of us do. Tell your Mother. Tell their Father.... get someone on board who can actually help you understand the toxic situation all 3 of you are in, how you can change it. Tell your Mother when you drop off your son what is going on...don't just tell her about the earlier incident or he'll play on that. Tell her it all, in front of him, like you've told us, his whinging, sulking, manipulation, how he provoked his brother (albeit the reaction was OTT), how he won't do this, that or he other, can turn this behaviour on & off at will. Tell her, maybe being shown up & a talking to from Granny might get you started here, he clearly has more respect for her if her boundaries matter to him. I don't think I've ever in my life before even thought of or suggested shaming a child...but OP...it is a measure of how bad his behaviour is & your inability to be effective. Tell someone who can help & support. Tell your Mum. This is a seriously bad situation you have let develop. You need to turn it around.

Ppl will get frustrated if after 29 pgs, you are not taking advice or any action. Do something.

Both of your children are a problem.

It might be easier to get your 18 year old on board first in a "this is what i am trying to do and I need your help to support me by ignoring 8 year old's behaviour and letting me deal with him" way. Or ask him to move out to your mum's to give you space to deal with the 8 year old.

Your 8 year old needs to know and is testing your boundaries. These need to be firm and fixed. Decide what you want and then work out how you are going to get there e.g.

Meals - 2 choices. Chucks it/doesn't want it? Tough.
Gadgets - does school work. Doesn't. Tough.
Walk - doesn't go on one - no gadgets.

He will push and push and push. If you give in he will push even more next time because he knows he can wear you down. You need to stick to something so he knows this is how it is going to be. He needs to know "No" means no and no amount of begging/arguing/tantruming will get him what he wants.

Set up a reward system. He wants a Switch game. For each "good behaviour time" (I would split the day into 3 - morning, afternoon, evening) he gets 50p/£1 towards it. Each bad behaviour gets no money removed but it takes longer for him to earn the money. Tell him why he has got/not got the money so he can start to understand his behaviour has consequences. "you got this because you did all of your school work without fuss". "You didn't get this because you wasted money by throwing your breakfast away.

There is no doubt about it life is going to be shit for a while, but it will get better.