I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

This thread is utterly farcical.

I don’t think I’ve ever come across such a lazy ass parent

I have, sadly. And as a result, all her children are druggies, one of them is dealing, was pregnant at fourteen, and has just had her children uplifted.

I lay this fair and square at the foot of the (non-existent) parenting those kids got.

Oh, and to add, all of the kids, now in their thirties, will still physically assault each other. . .

I hope you're ok @ChiaWatermelon

It looks like you're feeling very lonely.

One thing that struck me amongst all of this is the bombing of the food (and yes I have read everything including the older one kicking off)

There is something so dramatic and insulting about binning food.

If my dc don't like something they might leave it on the plate, but it's a bold child who takes the plate, walks to the bin and drops it in. This seems to happen most mealtimes?

It causes massive effect doesn't it? Sloping off and sulking with uneaten food doesn't cause so much attention.

I don't think it's laziness I think it's fear of 'losing' them. Fear that they will reject her if she tries to take control and fear of the inevitable consequences of bringing them into line. Both sound like they can be very forceful and getting them in line would need a strong will which she thinks she doesn't have.

It's not a safeguarding issue or domestic violence - one brother is fed up with the other running the house and snapped. I don't actually blame him.

She has said she will seek professional help and I think that's the best thing. She has money so rather than drag them all through the NHS private would be better. Does anyone know what kind of help she should look for online (as in what these people are called). I'm thinking like a super nanny.

I also think she needs support for herself, maybe cbt to just get a handle on how to feel comfortable being 'the boss' instead of the employee at home.

These things can be turned around quite quickly with the right techniques and obviously it can't be allowed to continue.

Getting his switch back when he starts "behaving" - is too vague. You need to spell out what you mean and review it ie. eating breakfast without a fuss, sitting down to do some schoolwork each morning, taking a walk with you, spending time each afternoon doing an activity of his or alternating with your choice with you, going to bed at a reasonable hour with no gadgets or tv, then only getting device time if he makes an effort to achieve the above each day.

An 18yo is not too old to sanction , especially if he relies on you for home and funds. What work does he do? maybe eh needs to cool off but you have failed to extract a promise that it cannot happen again and make him realise his behaviour is just as bad.

OP, I don't think you can your parenting style following a mix of advice on here. I strongly recommend you speak to this man and book a consultancy, he is expensive but in my experience what he does works every time. He will work with you, over the phone to help you change your rules and create a calm house.
www.behaviourchange.com/

I know I said that I wouldn’t be back.

But I’m really not coping this evening

I think I’m going to send DS(8) to my mums, he was an absolute outside, refused to get back into the car.

DS(18) isn’t answering his phone and he knows when he didn’t answer I automatically think something is wrong, I know he is punishing me for this morning.

You need to get support in the situation you are in. If your Mum can provide relief for an eve, that' s great but you need some parenting classes or intervention of some kind &, depending on her ability to discipline or not...she may not be the one to turn to. Also if she is elderly she may not be able to help or cope herself with the time & effort needed to turn this around.. Please at least tell her all that is happening in your home. Start talking to ppl in real life, get support & listen when you are being given advice,please don't just throw up your hands & say I can't change it or it is too hard.

Your kids are behaving v v badly. Stop thinking of your children in terms of how they make you feel 'punished..etc'. Look at the behaviour...it is totally unacceptable & gone into dangerous territory. Things need to change & v fast, it has to start with you. Take the breather if you need it for tonight...but you cannot give up...your kids need you to be there for them, in control, guiding & leading, loving & caring...showing them how to be a responsible capable rounded, balanced person. Please please find help.

Chia, you really need to sit down and work out some rules of the house.

Are you going to let a man (yes, at 18 your eldest son is a man) beat up your 8 year old? I'm sure the answer is no. So, what consequences are there going to be? He has a job so he can move out if necessary, and I honestly doubt that anything else would have an impact.

Are you going to let your 8 year old get away with throwing his food away? What is his consequence going to be?

Are you going to let your 8 year old get away with ruining his brother's food? What is his consequence going to be?

Are you going to let your 8 year old get away without doing his schoolwork? What's the consequences going to be?

I think you get the idea. We are trying to help you get control again. Maybe it's time to reread some suggestions while your DS is away and take the suggestions you think would work for you and make your rules. You then need to sit down with them both and tell them the rules and consequences, and stick to them. Whatever you do, you must follow through with consequences otherwise you will give them the control back.

You can do this, we're behind you!

I repeat, you need to get some outside help in.

Call CAMHS, call Children's Services, call your GP. Get someone in to help you fix it.

Sending your 8 yo to your mum's will just make it worse.

Look OP you're out of your comfort zone, this whole thing is a pressure cooker anyway - why don't you get in touch with that man. You are a good cook because you practice and receives exist, don't expect to be a perfect parent without any help.

I think it's a great idea to send the 8 year old to mums - he's being a little shit. The 18 year old needs time to reflect, don't try and get in touch and let him think.

Both boys behaved (and do behave) terribly. The 8 year old needs to be under control and the 18 year old needs to act like he's 18 not 12. It will end so badly for you all if this carries on.

Get hold of the guy, and follow his leadership the way you do with experts. I don't think I can make a better fish pie than Gordon Ramsey. If he says do it this way I don't question it. I certainly don't say well this is special fish and so it wouldn't work.

You've got weeks left of them at hone and I honestly don't think you'll survive without something drastic.

Mind you the guy is probably busy as hell as I bet you're not the only parent having a nightmare right now.

Oh and by the way OP in case you missed it @fuckinghellthisisshit is a psychologist who is very used to these situations. So I'd be inclined to say her recommendation is probably absolute gold and has saved you hours of wasted time. Fingers crossed they are available

You suggested a walk but your DS didn’t want to and said he’d like a car ride. So you took him out in the car just as he wanted? He gets his own way all the time doesn’t he?

Why do you even care that your stroppy 18yo isn't returning your calls? Why are you ringing him in the first place?

Text message:
"DS1, dinner was served at 6:30 this evening. As you weren't here you will need to make your own arrangements. I'll be locking up at 10:30 when I go to bed. Make sure you're home before then or you'll be locked out overnight."

Set boundaries, follow through, be the adult they desperately need you to be.

Mum is 59, DS(8) wouldn’t dare misbehave around her. DS(18) has not long come in, I asked him why he didn’t answer his phone he said it was on silent, I asked him why he put his phone on silent he said that he was doing something and didn’t want to be disturbed and he would never ignore me on purpose.

I told him what his brother did and that I am thinking of sending him to nannies, He said I should have slapped him because that’s the only way he will learn.

Once again, I told him we don’t be violent to one another in this household and he must not lay his hands on him again, he asked me why I keep speaking about it because it’s “not even that serious, kids get beat by their parents every day” I said he must not speak like that. He has gone upstairs, I haven’t cooked tonight (lucky DS(18) has already ate) I’m just not in the mood, DS(8) is sulking in his room, this all started because he wanted a Nintendo switch game at the super market, I would usually have bought it for him for an easier life but today I wasn’t going to due to the way he has been behaving. Although he didn’t cause a scene in the shop (he knows better than to embarrass me in public) when we got down to the car park he run away, but he did come back, then he wouldn’t get back in the car, if it wasn’t for a nice lady telling him that he must behave, we would have still been there.

@CherrySpritz

Yes he does.

Why is it so hard for you to discipline your kids, OP?

What do you mean he knows better than to embarrass you in public ?

Hang on, he knows better than to embarrass you in public?

How'd he learn that then?

And if you managed to make him mind you in terms of that boundary, why can't you, or don't you, make him mind you in private?

@DoYourTitsHangLow

It’s something that he has never done, he will never misbehave around other people. So that’s why I said he knows better than to do it in public, my child doesn’t have behavioural problems.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

Because they do not listen, isn’t it obvious that they see me as a joke?

They are so taking the piss.
You say you like cooking but wtf is that all that's good in your life because that's what it sounds like. And you are cooking for ungrateful little twats.
They get cornflakes and milk. Then they have no way of winding you up, being rude by refusing what you've cooked, whinging that they want something else.
You seem to have no idea about dealing with other people, your children or I suspect anyone else. As you seem to need their neediness for you.
Stop cooking. Buy cornflakes, bread, tinned tuna, pea nut butter, some biscuits and from now on they get their own food whilst you do somethin ANything that you enjoy, though it seems you have nothing but cooking, ok then cook your meal but no more for them.

Look up positive parenting solutions. I watched a free online course of theirs and it seemed pretty good. They sent loads of resources afterwards too.

So he doesn't like misbehaving in public.
Then the next time he does something outside the home. You stand and yell like a fishwife, GET IN THAT CAR NOW OR YOUR nintendo or whatever is binned, he doesn't like being shown up. Show him up.
ARe you real OP?