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Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 01/06/2020 10:48

When he said that to DS(8) I told him not to speak to him like that and he is not going to throw him out of the window or lay his hands on him again.

I am going to try and get him to do some school work after we’ve been for our walk.

I’ve been upstairs to speak to DS(18) I have told him that it can’t happen again and he needs to leave the house for a few hours, he has said he will go out soon and that he won’t be forced out of the house and maybe if I had DS(8) under control that he wouldn’t have to behave and say those things to him.

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 01/06/2020 10:55

He's not wrong, is he OP? Do you see how your complete failure to parent has caused this?

If i were you, i would be reminding your adult son that he is an adult. If he wishes to remain in the house, he can pay rent and pull his weight, and commit to no more violence. If he doesnt like that he can leave.

Of course, you won't do that, because you're a coward, you're afraid of hard work and you care a lot more about having an easy life than you do being a good parent.

Fairybatman · 01/06/2020 10:56

DS18’s response shows that he still believes himself to be in control of the situation.

DS8 and DS18 are actually acting out for the same reasons, just different ways of displaying this due to their age.

Due to DS18s age you have limited actions you can take to back up your words, but you need some. What does he depend on you for that you can use as a sanction for his behaviour? Is there an allowance? do you buy him things, does he have devices that you have bought? Would it impact him if you stop preparing food and doing laundry etc for him?

If there is nothing else then you have to use living at home. He is not in charge in your house, if he wants to be the boss he can go and be the boss elsewhere.

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Families
Fairybatman · 01/06/2020 10:57

I hope that the way DS18 is behaving shows you why you must crack this with DS8.

RuffleCrow · 01/06/2020 11:00

You have to decide for yourself what you will and won't tolerate and then enforce it with rewards and consequences. Do you believe in your right to have authority op?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/06/2020 11:12

This is getting scary. Your poor 8yo. Nobody is keeping him safe.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/06/2020 11:18

What a horrible atmosphere there is in your house today, OP.

To be clear, when we suggest telling him he'll have to move out next time it happens, that doesn't mean you have to give up on him. You can still be his mother and you can support him setting up home. You can even tell him you really hope it won't happen again because you'd hate him to have to leave. You just need to be clear there is a consequence. (Calling the police next time is another possibility. This is domestic violence we're talking about, do you realise that?)

What you absolutely cannot do is say today is a new day and I've missed the boat to deal with yesterday's behaviour. Nobody has forgotten it. This is not going away.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 01/06/2020 11:24

Due to DS18s age you have limited actions you can take to back up your words, but you need some. What does he depend on you for that you can use as a sanction for his behaviour? Is there an allowance? do you buy him things, does he have devices that you have bought? Would it impact him if you stop preparing food and doing laundry etc for him?

I think DS(18) is a little bit too old to be sanctioned. I have bought all his work equipment and yes I do buy him things, I sometimes transfer him money if he is going out for the day.

Me stopping cooking for him would have an impact but he would just order deliveroo.

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 01/06/2020 11:27

For fuck's sake woman! He has a job, make him pay rent. Stop cooking, make him pay for his own food. If he doesn't like it, make him leave!

Why won't you protect your child?

Happicuppa · 01/06/2020 11:30

Chia you are just making any excuse possible to avoid taking action.

You're now saying he's too old for sanctions. So that's it, you can't do anything about his behaviour because he's too old?

So you will continue to allow him to hurt your son and you will just shrug and say, well he's too old for punishment, and I'm far too spineless to ever kick him out.

Kicking him out doesn't make him homeless or destitute. It just says that you expect a certain standard of behaviour in your home and if he doesn't meet it then he has to go.

As a previous poster said, it's not the same thing as giving up on him. He's an adult anyway, surely he would be leaving in the next couple of years anyway?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 01/06/2020 11:34

I think DS(18) is a little bit too old to be sanctioned

ShockShockShock

Bad behaviour is sanctioned throughout life!! By losing jobs or by being put on probation by your boss, by losing friends who decide they don't like you any more, by the legal system and by many other ways. Your thinking here is ridiculous!

Tableclothing · 01/06/2020 11:45

Your 8yo and 18yo are fighting for control of the family, and they're pretty much ignoring you.

You need professional help here. Google your local CAMHS or Children's Services and ask to speak to the duty worker.

Happicuppa · 01/06/2020 11:53

Bad behaviour is sanctioned throughout life!! By losing jobs or by being put on probation by your boss, by losing friends who decide they don't like you any more, by the legal system and by many other ways. Your thinking here is ridiculous

^^
Not to mention losing relationships because any woman worth her salt is going to run a mile when she realises she's dating a violent disrespectful entitled man child whose mummy does his laundry and cooks his meals into adulthood

2007Millie · 01/06/2020 12:02

OP, why are you still here when you're ignoring every piece of advice?

DoYourTitsHangLow · 01/06/2020 12:04

Do you seriously think that if your 8 yo told his teachers in school what had happened, that you would just be called into school???
It's a safeguarding issue, SS and local authorities would be contacted. They would set up meetings with your son, interview him and decide on if he is in danger in his own home and maybe make arrangements to move him somewhere safe he if they feel he is.
How do you think that would make your 8yo feel?

Stop saying there is nothing you can do and parent your children.

OtterBe4 · 01/06/2020 12:18

Let’s face it, 27 pages in, OP hasn’t got the backbone to do anything.
Tbf her DS18 snapped as he’s sick to death of the 8 yr old brat controlling the house, no he shouldn’t have got physical but christ it’d take the patience of a saint to tolerate this horror.
But I-better not say too much or I’ll be reported again for daring to be blunt and not soft soap this hopeless ‘parent’

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 01/06/2020 12:25

@2007Millie

I have taken all advice on board and I have made some changes!!

This is very hard for me, ok I’m getting weaker and weaker.

DS(18) is now gone out. DS(8) doesn’t want to go for a walk he is has he would enjoy a car drive to somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 01/06/2020 12:30

I have decided that it would be best for me to take some time out from this site for a few days.

Thanks for all the on-going support given.

X

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 01/06/2020 12:34

More money than sense.

OtterBe4 · 01/06/2020 12:46

DS(8) doesn’t want to go for a walk he is has he would enjoy a car drive to somewhere
The dictator has spoken!!! Better jump to it!

JorisBonson · 01/06/2020 12:59

Anyone remember the cartoon Spoilt Bastard from Viz?

SuperSange · 01/06/2020 13:01

So what happens when the 18 year old gets tired of your shit? You've just given him a free pass to throw you against a wall.

I know it must be hard to hear, but you're not keeping your 8 year old safe. If I knew you I'd be calling social services or the police to deal with it, seeing as you're it total denial about how serious this is.

Your poor 8 year old. You don't care enough about him to protect him. He's not even safe in his own home. I'm not suprised he wants to live with his dad. I would too.

Azaziel · 01/06/2020 13:07

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Fairybatman · 01/06/2020 13:54

I’m done. I tried but I’m done.

You are still missing the fundamental point that the boys don’t get to dictate what happens next.

DS18 has decided to go out because it suits him, not because you told him to, and DS8 is still dictating the terms on which he will leave the house.

You need some profession real-life support, until you understand the fundamental truth that you have to be the person setting the terms and dictating what happens no-one can actually help you.

Good luck, and please seek out some real-life support.

PurpleTinsel · 01/06/2020 14:41

OP, if you’re still reading, then please get some real life support.
You’re clearly not coping and you need professional help to help you get in control of this.