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Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 31/05/2020 19:05

I really think you need some help with this now, even if you don't follow the advice. If your older son is aware that an outside professional is taking notes, your younger son might be safer during this period of uncertainty. Lots of people are struggling with lockdown and your family is probably one of many that is now struggling with domestic violence. You can't fix this alone. I know you mean well but this is not your forte and it's got complicated. You don't listen very much but you've got to start listening now before someone gets hurt. Not to me, to a real life professional over Skype. You can afford it. They don't even have to turn up. Your son sounds like he wants to be thought well of. I think this might be enough to curb his behavior during a difficult time. Honestly, it's time he moved out and had some independence. It sounds like your younger son's needs are doing his head in and possibly encouraging him to model aggressive behaviors he has seen in his dad.

LIZS · 31/05/2020 19:12

There will still be school for vulnerable/key worker children out of the initial year groups. tbh I would be asking school if they could take him. School from home clearly is not working for him.

You need to see today as breaking point and work from there. why won't ds1 apologise, his behaviour is inexcusable whatever the provocation and it is a sign of immaturity that he lashed out. He is a thug otherwise. If you cannot enforce changes now, things will only get worse. Reach out for rl support if needs be.

Even if ds2 says he does not why want dinner , make a little extra and put in fridge for later if needs be. You can freeze it if he really refuses.

LIZS · 31/05/2020 19:36

I mean "thug" in the sense that it is how those on the outside might interpret his action, if he cannot see that his reaction was wrong and apologise. His being a nice lad normally does not excuse that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 31/05/2020 19:50

Back again,

I have just settled DS(8) for bed, I didn’t give him the switch back. He said it still hurts and he feels scared and wants to go and live somewhere else incase DS(18) does it to him again. I went and spoke to DS(18) I told that I am upset due to the way both of them have behaved, he said it “might not” happen again, I asked him to go in and all speak to DS(8) because he is scared and thinks it’s going to happen again. He said that he is not apologising and that he is glad he is scared because that’s exactly what he needs and he needs to learn. However, he apologised for upsetting me, and also added that I can always come and speak to him... ok son thanks! Hmm

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 31/05/2020 19:54

So what are you going to do to make sure your kid feels safe? Send him to his dad's?

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 31/05/2020 20:05

@Someone

No way is it staying at his dads house. Last time I let him stay overnight he didn’t want to return him, I am just hoping that DS(18) has a heart and apologises to him tomorrow, the last thing I want is him feeling scared in his own home.

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 31/05/2020 20:06

What will you do if he doesnt?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 31/05/2020 20:35

Oh dear, what a day. So your elder son has established himself as top of the pecking order. He even talks soothingly to you, clearly seeing himself as superior.

It's your house, OP! And you are the parent! You should be reassuring him that you are dealing with the younger one - and asking him to come to you if he's bothered by something. Not him saying that to you - it's totally topsy turvy.

More importantly, you must tell him that violence is unacceptable. Many posters have said if he does it again, he must leave. But you see that as threatening your elder son, rather than taking necessary steps to protect your younger one - who CAN'T leave home.

Did 8yo notice the missing Switch? Or did he enough other screens that he wasn't bothered?

StrawberryJam200 · 31/05/2020 20:38

Do you have any other family that one of them could go and stay with for a while @ChiaWatermelon? Not as a solution but to gain some temporary space for all of you whilst you ask for professional help (eg the Helpline weblink I posted earlier, and / or school, and /or GP?

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 31/05/2020 20:50

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

There is nothing I can do.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I did tell DS(18) that he must not do it again, DS(8) asked when can he have his switch back, I told him when he starts behaving, he doesn’t really seem fussed.

@StrawberryJam200 I’m not sending the boys away.

OP posts:
2007Millie · 31/05/2020 20:51

This thread is making me laugh more and more.

DotForShort · 31/05/2020 20:55

Oh, here we go again. Hmm

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 31/05/2020 20:58

So, i ask again, how are you going to make your child feel safe in his own home?

Are you getting the help recommended here?

OP, i don't think you're the right parent for this situation. I think your kid would be better off with his dad for the time being, while you get some proper, professional help to deal with your multiple issues.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 31/05/2020 21:19

@SomeoneElse

He is NOT going to his dads house ok, if you knew why, you wouldn’t be suggesting him to go there and he wouldn’t be able to have him full time. I want both boys home with me!

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 31/05/2020 21:23

The thing is op.. if he tells his dad (or another adult) what his brother did, and what your response was, that decision may well be taken out of your hands.
You need to get help and support to deal with this. I get that it’s hard, I really do, but something has to change.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 31/05/2020 21:23

How are you going to keep him safe from his brother? You can't make the child behave, and you won't stop the adult abusing him when he plays up.

What's your plan, OP? Your child is in danger, what are you going to do?

2007Millie · 31/05/2020 21:24

OP, you are just picking and choose the people you want to respond to on here.

Are you actually doing anything proactive? Are you actually wanting to put any structure into place?
Any discipline?
Because you're showing absolutely no effort or motivation.

I work in a referral unit, I see parents like you day in day out.

There is so much help out there for you and so many strategies to use, but you have to be willing and want to, and you aren't.

Thurlow · 31/05/2020 21:29

You asked for advice. You've been given hundreds of posts of advice. Are you going to listen to any of it?

StrawberryJam200 · 31/05/2020 21:46

I get that you feel both boys should be with you, but surely you wouldn't want the older to attack the younger one again, would you? What if he ended up hurting his brother so much that he needed medical attention? Then you'd have to explain to someone anyway.

Your little boy, your baby - we all think of our youngest as our babies, don't we - is in danger at the moment, he's been in tears today, he's scared. Please protect him.

madcatladyforever · 31/05/2020 21:55

DS(8) sees him quiet often but we aren’t on talking terms.

This is what the problem is. My son came back behaving like a complete little shit everytime he saw his "father".

I got the court to stop contact and lo and behold his behaviour improved 100%.

You have no idea what his father is drip feeding into his ear and telling him to do. He is becoming more and more disturbed by this.

PurpleTinsel · 31/05/2020 21:56

I want both boys home with me!

Of course you do, it’s perfectly natural that you would.

But. Serious question OP.

What do you think will happen if your 8yr old tells people - doctors, teachers, other adults etc - that his 18 yr old brother picks him up and literally throws him about when he annoys his brother?
What if the next time your 8 yr old is annoying his brother, your 18 yr old throws him again and your 8 yr old ends up badly hurt?

This is a major safeguarding issue.

It’s not the sort of thing where you can sit back and hope that your 18 yr old feels like apologising tomorrow. It’s really, really not.

TeresaMayspants · 31/05/2020 22:01

Chiawatermelon you don’t seem to have any problem being assertive on this thread. You seem to correct other posters and stand up for yourself competently. Why do you struggle so much in real life?

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 31/05/2020 22:28

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

There is nothing I can do, I’m sure DS(18) won’t behave like that again.

@2007Millie Sorry, I don’t mean to ignore comments, it’s just that there are so many of them, I get very confused. Yes I do want to put discipline in place, I have listened and took action this week, the changes might not seem huge to you here, but they are to me.

@PurpleTinsel I know if DS(8) was at school and he told his teacher what happened they’d call me into the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 31/05/2020 22:49

@madcatladyforever

My son doesn’t come home misbehaving after his been at dads house, and my ex wouldn’t drip feed him anything.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 31/05/2020 23:27

I did tell DS(18) that he must not do it again

Telling him is not enough. He also needs to know what the consequence is if he does do it.

It sounds like your response to the incident was just:

You: You'll have to apologise, DS
DS: Not going to happen
You: ... Well, it mustn't happen again
DS: can't promise that, he needs to learn
You: ...

And now you're saying you're sure he won't. It's misplaced confidence in your DS, I'm afraid. Your actions are speaking louder than your words: the fact there's been no consequence whatsoever to the violence (towards a boy half his size), together with what you've said to him, clearly give the message that, "While I think you were right in what you did, I have to say these words for the sake of appearances." Honestly, OP, it looks like you approve of what he did and you're just not admitting it.

I KNOW that isn't true. I know you're horrified by what happened and you don't ever want to see it again. But you have not managed to convey that to your DS (to either of them). DS(18) needs to know you will not tolerate violence, and DS(8) needs to know if he is being protected. Words don't protect.

I think this is the problem with your whole approach with your boys. Think about your words and your actions. If they don't match up: if you say he mustn't do x but there's no real comeback when he does do x, then your words are meaningless to them. You think you've told them, but they don't hear it unless it's backed up with strong action.

And the removal of the Switch doesn't seem to be strong enough action. I don't think DS(8) realises you think his behaviour at breakfast was unacceptable. He just thinks he's a victim of a vicious brother and a mother who's just got mean recently for no obvious reason.

Work on your actions, OP. Sure, it's been said on here that you need to explain what you're doing. But communication is much more than words. Consequences is what these boys need to start seeing - consequences that matter to them, that make them uncomfortable.