I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

You cannot leave this unresolved. Can you get ds1 onside to address ds2 behaviour in a way that will not wind him up. Make it clear to both that you will not tolerate violence towards each other or anyone else, nor any other abusive behaviour. What sanctions have you imposed on ds1? He may be 18 but he is under your roof and your rules. Time for you to take charge.

Sounds like ds2 lacks impulse control, another thing to raise with professionals.

@DoYourTitsHangLow

Both boys are extremely stubborn, DS(18) isn’t going to apologise neither with DS(8)

DS(8) said he doesn’t want any dinner and opted for a banana, I am going to prepare something for me and DS(18) soon.

I doubt I am going to get DS(8) to listen to anything I say now after this mornings events.

Has your 8 year old apologised for what he did?

Whilst I done condone violence, your 18 year old is a better parent than you. He's articulating exactly what's wrong.

So then what will the consequences be?

So you're giving up?

His Nintendo stays gone, and he doesnt get it back or any TV time until he apologises. Your DS18 apologises, or finds someone else to stay.

@BahHumPug

No he hasn’t, and he isn’t going to.

@DoYourTitsHangLow

What can the consequence be? I’ve already taken away the Nintendo switch?

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

I can’t and won’t threaten DS(18) he said he isn’t going to apologise because he isn’t sorry and that he doesn’t care.

Why on earth isn't he going to? Why are you just accepting that? 🤯

I would be telling your DS(18) to make his own dinner and possibly yours if he would make a decent meal.

I doubt I am going to get DS(8) to listen to anything I say now after this mornings events.

How convenient. There’s your get-out clause. Not your fault.

OP, you're a lazy parent. Stop looking for help and advice when there's no way you'd be bothered to actually implement it.

So what's the plan from now on? TBH, it doesn't surprise me at all that the 8-year-old is acting out. After all, the adults in his life flout guidelines, restrictions, and laws. No wonder he is confused about suddenly being expected to follow a few (very basic) rules.

I would insist on an apology from the 8-year-old and of course one from the 18-year-old as well. I'd also be having very stern words with the elder, letting him know in no uncertain terms that another episode of violence would mean he would have to find another place to live. I wouldn't allow a violent adult to remain in my house.

As for the younger boy, I'd sit him down for a very serious talk about how things were going to change. I'd give him a clear schedule of daily activities (including schoolwork and chores). He won't like it, he will almost certainly kick off. But it would be short-term pain for long-term gain.

I feel further posts are pointless, banging ones head against a brick wall I think the phrase is?
Good luck OP with whatever you do or don't decide to do

he said he isn’t going to apologise because he isn’t sorry and that he doesn’t care.

Still think he's a good man, OP? This is what complete lack of boundaries do - he thinks violence is an acceptable way to deal with people doing things he doesn't like, and your child thinks he can do whatever he wants without consequences.

You're setting both your children up for jail OP - the elder for violent attacks against people who displease him and the younger for disregarding any laws that don't suit him.

@BahHumPug

I can’t physically force him to say sorry and he knows that. My children aren’t afraid of me!

@SomeOne Yes I do think my son is a good young man, he is a all round nice boy.

I think you need a big hug. You're having a truly shit weekend and getting flamed on here 🤗🤗🤗

An 18yo should not throw a younger sibling like that, he is old enough to know better. Yes he was provoked and probably very fed up with the fact that his sibling can do whatever he wants, but he needs to learn to explain his position not use violence and walk away if necessary.

My children aren’t afraid of me!

Your children have no respect for you either.

I do think my son is a good young man, he is a all round nice boy.

A nice boy doesnt use violence against a child 10 years younger than him. A nice boy doesn't pretend to be single because other girls have better bodies than his girlfriend. A nice boy doesn't deliberately break lockdown and endanger his family. I think you need to face facts here.

My children aren't afraid of me, but they do respect me. And my authority, to coin a South Park reference. After they've been given time to calm down, we talk, and we will argue, and discuss. Sometimes an ultimatum is given. Along with consequences if adherence to that ultimatum is not reached.

But there's been a lifetime of behaviour modification, both as parents, and as children, that has got us to that point.

Background.

Would you consider family counselling?

Is your younger son going back to school tomorrow?

OP for the love of god he is an adult man who has been violent towards your younger son why are you COOKING HIS DINNER

@0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h

No, I don’t think he will return until September now.

@lifestooshort123 Thank you.

And sorry, yes I would consider family counselling.

There is another tack you can take with the DS18 which is to have a conversation after DS8 has gone to bed.

Explain that you are at the end of your tether with them both. Explain what you are doing with DS8 and why and do t pull any punches in saying that you see an older version of the same behaviour in him.

Tell him that you cannot tolerate violence in your home, and whilst you can understand his frustration this cannot be the answer.

Explain that it’s a hard line from you and if he chooses to do it again you can’t keep him at home.

I’d then explain that DS8 has been punished and ask him what an appropriate sanction is for himself.

I’ve used this type of approach very successfully with older teenagers in the past, quite often set themselves surprisingly appropriate penalties.

No, I don’t think he will return until September now

If he’s 8, then he’s clearly not in one of the year groups that can go back to actual school from tomorrow.

Are you planning on trying to get him to do any schoolwork at home tomorrow?