I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

Can you actually remember being 18? If my mother would have burst into my room laying down "the law" when I had a friend over I would have been in flouncing / stropping heaven. Much much more sensible for the op to have a discrete word with her son when he was on his own. At 18 the frontal lobes of the brain aren't anywhere near to fully developed. Well handled op.

@Fedhimtotigers did you read the thread?

I did. In full. And I fully 100% agree with those posts who were deleted especially @OtterBe4 So I can't post much more without getting deleted.

@Fedhimtotigers you didn't answer my question?

@kyles101 Because I thought it was stupid and I don't answer to you 

@Fedhimtotigers I don't claim that you should answer to me, I'm curious as to the "they" that you feel are being created? Like triffids or something?

I'd leave it @kyles101. I don't think Tigers is in the mood to be reasonable or rational.

I fail to see why some posters seem to believe that endlessly berating the OP- who has already acknowledged she's got no authority in her own home and is seeking advice and support- is beneficial

Thank you, I don’t understand why they are doing it either. I would never speak or mock someone the way I’ve been treated by some people here.

But I guess it makes them feel happy, so let them continue.

After so many years of being an absolute doormat the op is doing very well, especially with the 8 year old.
The 18 year old is well on his way to being an entitled twatwaffle who will make women who are silly enough to end up in a relationship with him miserable, so it’s very important you set some boundaries op. You don’t see it with his girlfriend now but that’s because you do everything for him. ‘He just wants you to live to your full potential... ‘ What holy entitled up your own arseness. 2 important steps for him: stop buying juice if that’s what he eats instead of your beautiful dinners, It’s not healthy anyway. and find a book or puzzle or tv show or course that you are going to put some time into, and intentionally not make the lunch he asks for about once a week, If he’s upset say your full potential like you said the other day, you were absolutely right. One of the problems is that he’s never seen you as having any existence of your own and this must change.

With the 8 year old, doing quite well. He will be horrible to you, but he loves you and you must keep going. One of the next steps is schoolwork. Sit him down and tell him you haven’t told school he’s not doing his work but you have to tell them this week. He could commit to a number of hours a day and maybe you don’t have to tell them but otherwise they are responsible for his learning and need honesty. This goes for you too- if he doesn’t want to do schoolwork for something like 3 hours every day from now you must call school. Apologise for misleading them, say you weren’t coping and the truth is he’s not doing any. It feels hard to admit to other adults you screwed up but you’ve done well on here so far.

For a more normal parenting example, I’m bringing up boys who will love and respect me and pull their weight. The eldest is 4. They get weetbix And sometimes toast for breakfast - simple and healthy, he can start making his own in a couple of years. If he asks for more and doesn’t eat it, I say the next time you ask for more the answer is no. And that’s what happens. No drama, I don’t shout or get mad, I set him boundaries about how I will be treated.

@FourPlasticRings I was waiting to see if there was one more, I'm tired and well ready for bed but it had really pissed me off. Nasty bullying. Sometimes I love mn, other times it's a vipers nest. Save the arguments for the obviously stuff I think. Poor OP, I hope all this doesn't put you off asking for advice, I genuinely think you have made some great choices, and hope you continue to ask about and use this forum as a sounding board.

I too am bringing up a boy who WILL love and respect me - I'll let y'all know how that's going in a few years 😂

What I plan on doing is listening, responding, caring and being firm when I need to. Whilst giving a feeling of control with a "this or that" option that still leads to the result I want.

I'm signing off now before I lose either my faith in humanity or my rag 😉

So many people commit suicide every year due to people trolling others

Oh please... 😁

Yeah I'm all for the straight talk but some of you need to lay the fuck off. Not cool.

@kyles101 Who is "they"? As in "they are created"?

The lazy, entitled, sexist awful husbands who don't lift a finger that we sometimes hear about on Mumsnet.

Sorry but I think @fedhimtotigers is completely correct. If not through parenting like this, where do you think domestically useless husband's attitudes come from?

I think that's generalising sexist rubbish. And anyway, if you'd RTF the OP clearly says that the older child does pull his weight around the house and tidies up etc

Why not try offering some helpful advice to the OP rather than sensationalist broad sweeping nasty sexist comments.

The lad is 18! His brain is literally not yet fully formed. He is going to make mistakes in judgement etc because that area of the brain is still developing at that age and he will need a supportive and open relationship with his mother, which is what the OP appears to be cultivating.

My Mum bought up two lovely boys who grew into men, happy men who have wife's they respect and who love them.
Do you know what happened, the wife's took them off my mum,she never sees them, and my lovely mum never says anything to these men, who remember Birthdays and Christmas.
Oh and the spoilt boys, they are still visiting their mums at 50.

@mummmy2017 sorry, but she definitely didn't raise "lovely men" if they're now NC with her. Either they're not lovely or she did damage you didn't see.

My MiL raised a lovely man, who got married and calls her a couple of times a week. He's not spoilt.

you buy him stuff for being horrid?? I'm not surprised he persists! i think a considerable stepping up of discipline is needed.

Op firstly I want to say well done for at least attempting to sort this out,

Disciplining your dc is putting them first.
My just turned 7yo makes her own cereal every morning. I'm quite sure she'd prefer pancakes etc but she only gets those every few weeks. She is also still hard work though even though I'd say I'm pretty good with the discipline so don't expect an angel at any point dc are designed to push us 😉

I wanted to say though that have you considered screen time may be affecting your dc behaviour? I used to brush this off with my own but now it's lockdown I've ended up being lazy and allowing my 7yo the screen a lot more. Her behaviour was markedly more poor after a long session on the screen (maybe an hour or more on it) I've now banned the tv from Monday to Friday. It's my only time to myself but I'm going to stick to it.

Since banning it I've caught my dd with the iPad walking into her bedroom numerous times but I've hidden all devices now. Dd was about to be assessed with having issues similar to what you describe with your ds but actually more discipline not less seems to work in my favour here. Unfortunately we will have to wait for the assessment now but even so, taking away all screen time has worked wonders. She is allowed to watch one film on the weekends.

Another thing to note is private schools can be absolutely awful in supporting you. My dd is at her second prep. The last one actually pandered to her every whim.
This one is better but it's only now I'm homeschooling I can see how flakey the teacher is with them all. All of the dc are being disrespectful (talking out of turn, ignoring the teachers requests to listen etc) and it's a very good well known prep.
My dd is more spoilt in school than she was at home! The school are also not always forthcoming with any issues at school until they too reach breaking point so that may be why this is all dawning on you so late in the day.

I would consider doing some volunteer work after this. Volunteering is a very nice thing to do to meet new people and you can choose exactly what you want to do it in I like paid work which it doesn't sound like you need to do anyway. Do bear in mind where you'll be when your youngest turn 18 as well though seen that cause problems with many mothers

You sound so alone and believe that by 'being there' all the time for your dc you are helping them. You really aren't. Showing them you are independent also allows them to grow as well.
Good luck op

I've just caught up with this thread.

Personally, I don't care where the OP gets her money. It's irrelevant to the problem. If she had less of it, the children would still he ruling the roost, just on a different budget. So that's irrelevant.

What I will say though is that I simply don't understand how an adult can get themselves into this situation.

Your posts read like a guide on "How to get parenting completely wrong", OP. I'm actually baffled that this is your life.

I'm going to share one experience of mine that really helped me. I'm not a perfect parent; I fuck up, I get things wrong - I'm only human... but my children have honestly never even come close to behaving as yours do. You are currently failing in your role as a parent in very aspect you have revealed so far - but you realise that which is why you are here. You're getting pretty much all of it wrong.

But I also recognise, from reading between the lines, that there are deep seated issues behind this that have resulted in this situation.

So...

I grew up in an emotionally abusive family. When I had my own children, i had two choices. To continue the cycle or to break it. I chose to break it by doing the opposite to my parents.

I think that you would benefit from doing similar. Look at what you are doing now, or have been doing so far, and actively choose to do the opposite. Then do it. In almost every example you've cited so far, the opposite to what you did do would have been the right thing to do.

Because you are failing your children currently in almost every aspect of their lives. It might be masked by expensive holidays and food but these are not well rounded, well adjusted, appreciative, respectful, insightful, caring boys. And they should be.

As someone said, your main role as a parent is to guide your children to functioning adulthood. This is not currently happening.

And endless updates on here detailing what you've done, and the choices you made, followed up with a "I still don't understand why they are doing this" is what is irritating people. Because the answers are all there in everything you say.

Surely it is not a case of it not being wise for gf to visit but that it is your home and you cannot accept visitors indoors during CV and even then only at social distance. Privacy or not he is choosing to live with you and seemingly uses you as a hotel. Why are you so afraid of a potentially negative reaction?

Maybe you should keep a diary of what your younger ds does all day post lockdown as you seem rather vague. It might alert you to how much passive screen time he is getting and how his routine revolves around meals. Even when he kicks off, in case it is related to something he does/eats/boredom. Might help when you do contact CAMHS.

OP, I've dipped in and out of this thread but stopped when the nasty bullies came out to play. I've now read the whole thing (in bed, Sunday morning, cup of coffee) and I want to congratulate you on being so open about your situation and how strongly you want it to change. It sounds as though you've made a lot of progress with ds8 and as long as you explain to him in advance what you expect from him and what the consequences will be then you're on track. He needs to recognise that you are the adult and in charge and that you're doing all this because you love him. You've had to allow for his OCD (perfectly round pancakes!) which has added another dimension to the problems. With the schoolwork, personally I'd be honest with them - tell them that as a family you're struggling and ask for their advice and help. Your ds18 shouldn't have had his gf over but that's just another stick people are using to beat you with. It's very brave of you to come on here and ask for help and I hope you find the strength to carry on taking control back - good luck!

I know a lot of people on here are mentioning cereal and you don't like that idea. I have to admit I'm with you - the cereal my DC would choose is nutrition-light, heavily processed crap.

But the point is not the actual food, it's the independence. My DC make their own breakfast. My youngest likes cinnamon raisin bagels usually with peanut butter, DS likes bran flakes because they're quick, so I do get them. The older three often have smoothies - berries from the freezer, banana, milk of course, plus a spoonful of peanut or almond butter to make it more filling. Super healthy and so easy for them to make themselves. Sometimes they cook an egg, sometimes porridge, usually with fruit and seeds to make it more grammable.

Your DC do need to experience looking after themselves as part of growing up. Otherwise they will likely assume it's the woman's role. Does their dad wait on them when they stay with him? Probably not.

Your 8yo might need a bit of help, but everything he can do himself will build his self-confidence. My DD found spreading her bagel a challenge at that age and it would take her ages - so I usually did one for her and she'd do the other.

Great news about reading together, by the way. That's great to hear.

@ChiaWatermelon Well done on your progress and in such a short time too.You sound like a lovely caring mum.
It is a shock to children when things change. I recall the look on my dd face when I said she was old enough to strip and change her bed herself.
You are doing so well. They are adjusting to the new rules. They will need reminding. They will genuinely forget sometimes. Other times they might 'try it on' to test your resolve. All very normal.

Baby steps and persistence. Keep on as you are. You are amazing.