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Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
Happicuppa · 30/05/2020 21:49

OP seriously why are you "so glad" that you didn't have to go up there? Because you're terrified of giving an instruction to a teenage girl???

FourPlasticRings · 30/05/2020 22:07

I think with your youngest, I'd tell him that school wants to know why he's not been attending and that you'll tell them if he doesn't start going.

I think him behaving himself in front of your visitor suggests that he'd be embarrassed to admit to his behaviour at home in front of outsiders. If you make the threat though, you do have to be prepared to follow through if it doesn't work.

OtterBe4 · 30/05/2020 22:09

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MynephewR · 30/05/2020 22:09

This thread is bonkers Confused No one is this spineless surely?!

FourPlasticRings · 30/05/2020 22:10

My word, some of you lot need to calm down. There is no excuse for the personal insults directed at OP here, you sound like schoolyard bullies.

Fiddlesticks345 · 30/05/2020 22:12

@FourPlasticRings

My word, some of you lot need to calm down. There is no excuse for the personal insults directed at OP here, you sound like schoolyard bullies.
Absolutely, well said! Have started reporting the nasty posts.
madcatladyforever · 30/05/2020 22:14

Yes I would be implementing a course of discipline that would leave him reeling. I won't tolerate that shit from men in my house.

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 30/05/2020 22:15

We're dropping by to remind you that trollhunting and personal attacks are against our Talk Guidelines - please bear this in mind when posting, and that we do suspend people for this. If you have concerns about a thread or poster, then please do report them to us via the report button instead of derailing threads with trollhunting. Thanks all, sorry to interrupt OP.

madcatladyforever · 30/05/2020 22:20

The tragic thing is that if this isn't sorted out this will just be transferred to the next woman in their lives girlfriend or wife. I would begin by binning all devices permanently for the 8 year old, he would have to earn them back in not less than a year.

BahHumPug · 30/05/2020 22:22

Christ a whole new level of terrible parenting! You're allowing your 18 year old to break lockdown (which is not 'nearly over', even with easing what he's done isn't allowed and also look at the fucking science) because you're scared of him. You should be ashamed.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/05/2020 22:35

A number of posts seem unable to empathise with someone who has had a distant mother, a difficult ex and no friend she feels she could confide in. OP already feels judged by those who could give her support... Oh and look what happens when she asks for support. She gets judged! Potentially making it less likely that she'll look for support in the future...

OP, I hope you'll stick with this for the long term. Rome wasn't built in a day. I for one can definitely understand the reluctance to tell a teenager you don't know well what to do. I have spent a number of years fighting that reluctance, so it's easier than it was.

mummmy2017 · 30/05/2020 22:43

Reward the good, ignor the bad and halt the dangerous actions as soon as you see them.
Your making great steps, DS8 eat what was offered, so this shows he can.
Your rethinking simple breakfasts.
Each change that is for a thing you want is a step towards you regaining control and the parental role.
I hate how people are attacking you, when your here because you want to change, and your after support and good advice that you can apply at home.

kyles101 · 30/05/2020 22:48

I'm a fan of offering choices for certain things but the end result is the same, so for example "what do you want to do today, get dressed , eat breakfast and then do assembly, or have a bit of a lay in and get dressed, assembly and then breakfast" the main goal of assembly is achieve and your DS feels like he has some small semblance of control, especially during this time when even I feel like I have little control over events so god help an 8 year old.

Good luck to you op, sorry you seem to have had some shitty responses for asking for some help

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 30/05/2020 22:51

@Happicuppa no I’m not terrified of her, please stop exaggerating. It would have just been very awkward.

On the whole it has been a good day. DS(8) was happy to let me read a few pages of a book to him tonight, I want to thank you for the on going support, I am making daily progress.

OP posts:
Fedhimtotigers · 30/05/2020 23:06

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kyles101 · 30/05/2020 23:07

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Fedhimtotigers · 30/05/2020 23:10

So that's not what happened?
I'll re read it all again and see if if changes.

Happicuppa · 30/05/2020 23:11

no I’m not terrified of her, please stop exaggerating. It would have just been very awkward.

Is that the same reason you broke the lockdown rules and endangered your family? You "couldn't turn her away" because it may have been awkward? That's not a good excuse.

FourPlasticRings · 30/05/2020 23:20

'Endangered your family'? Unless they're particularly vulnerable, the risk is small. And the plan for this country doesn't appear to be 'hide away until vaccination' anyway- we should expect that the majority will contract it at some point.

From what I've seen on here, many people with teenagers have struggled to get them to obey lockdown- it's not just the OP, by any stretch.

I fail to see why some posters seem to believe that endlessly berating the OP- who has already acknowledged she's got no authority in her own home and is seeking advice and support- is beneficial.

Fedhimtotigers · 30/05/2020 23:23

She did nothing. Nothing at all to ask the girl to leave or challenge her son. She failed big time.

FourPlasticRings · 30/05/2020 23:29

How is your comment helpful, realistically? Are you trying to be helpful? Or is it just nice to twist the knife a bit?

Have you profferred any useful suggestions about what the OP could do differently if the situation were to arise again, for example?

kyles101 · 30/05/2020 23:33

God, I think my ds going back to nursery at the end of the month (I can work from home, employer insisting I go back into office) will be causing far more risk to more people in terms of number of social interactions than the side issue of the ops girlfriend coming over. If you have nothing helpful to add carol, please go and be nasty on another thread. Or better yet tell my neighbours who are having a full on party with kareokee to keep the noise down and make sure they're observing social distancing, they're flouting the rules far more than the ops son. I'm all for healthy debate but let's not take things to the extreme, especially not in chat - AIBU may be more your scene.

Fedhimtotigers · 30/05/2020 23:33

Grow a spine maybe.

The guy is 18. Treats women appallingly already and she is worrying about the salmon.
That loser she is afraid to confront is the type of 'man' that is constantly moaned about on here.

This. Is. How. They. Are. Created.

If we are believing this as fact then she is ridiculous. She actually tried to say her kids weren't spoilt!! 😂

kyles101 · 30/05/2020 23:37

Who is "they"? As in "they are created"?

FourPlasticRings · 30/05/2020 23:41

Grow a spine maybe.

That's not helpful advice though, now is it? OP is hardly the world's worst mother- she's trying her best and has made some mistakes but is attempting to rectify them. Do you imagine that insulting her and her children is going to make her more inclined to seek the help she's already asked for? Or do you think, on balance, that faced with the vitriol that's been targeted at her on here, many people would just log out of Mumsnet and carry on doing what they're doing?

If you believe that OP is making mistakes in her parenting, maybe offer some actual advice that might help, rather than snide comments that are only likely to stop people seeking assistance.

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