I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

@OtterBe4 If you were financially comfortable you wouldn’t be worrying about anyone else’s money, lifestyle or what they decide to cook for their children.

I will continue cooking nice food for my boys and take them to nice places.

Thank you!

@LIZS

We usually go out, and not spend as much time in the house but as I said he is refusing to go out.

Another reason why I am feeling stressed because I’m not used to being in the house.

Trust me. Nobody here is at all jealous.
Dubious. Doubtful. Baffled. Many other things. But not jealous.

and the rest of the time? Do you have a garden could you sit out there, garden, play games together.

@LIZS

Yes we have a garden, both boys spend a lot time in the garden but it’s usually on there devices, I suggested that we do a puzzle outside together but DS(8) didn’t want to do it with me, for some reason he prefers to play alone.

He also likes Lego, and I’m really good at building, so it usually ends with “If dad was here he would be able to do it, he is good at everything”

@Fedhimtotigers why is it so inconceivable that someone might not have a natural aptitude for bringing up/disciplining children? Or that a mother might go out of her way to avoid upsetting her children, even if it’s for their own good? You only have to watch one episode of Supernanny to see that what a lot of people regard as common sense actually isn’t obvious to everyone. Plus sometimes life gets in the way and people get tired- it’s hard to be perfect when you’re tired.

No, you said that dinner was a success “only down to the fact that DS(18) was here to join us for dinner.” What difference could that have made if he is there for dinner every day?

@DotForShort

Oh sorry!

DS(18) girlfriend* joined us for dinner. That’s why DS(8) didn’t make a fuss and was well behaved. If she wasn’t here it would have been a whole different situation.

I’m also curious about what a typical day is like in your family, both pre-lockdown and recently. How do you and your sons spend your time, both separately and together?

IMO, an hour of screen time per day is enough for an 8-year-old. I wouldn’t allow more than that under normal circumstances during the week, maybe two hours on weekends. I know that these are not normal times, and I have been resorting to screens more than usual (now trying to get back on track). But I still think it’s essential to limit screens for children.

Thanks for the clarification about the girlfriend. That makes more sense.

@Fiddlesticks345 That's not the bits I'm talking about.

Didn't think people outside of your household were allowed in to visit yet. Are you not in the UK?

I think you should go be him some sort of reward for understanding about having to wait for another day for the dinner he would have like.
Tell him he can buy a book, or comic with the shopping. Just don't tell him reading 🤣

@mummmy2017

I think you should go be him some sort of reward for understanding about having to wait for another day for the dinner he would have like. Tell him he can buy a book, or comic with the shopping. Just don't tell him reading 🤣

Agreed, definitely acknowledge his reasonable reaction to this even though it was brought on by DS(18)’s girlfriend being round.

Erm why is there a person in your house who does not live with you? Are you not in the UK?

and if you started a puzzle would he join in?

Personally I would have made either breakfast or lunch DIY - can still be healthy with fruit/veg/dairy/protein options but they have to sort themselves out and clean up afterwards. I see you've instigated a new meal planning routine though so hopefully that works for your household. I'd also be instigating a chores timetable - not sure what your 8yo is doing all day if he's not doing schoolwork or exercise. For him I'd start off fairly light and easy (loading the dishwasher, putting his clean clothes away) and work up to bigger tasks (loading and setting off the washing machine, hoovering etc.). I would also stipulate a set amount of schoolwork that needs to be done or it's telly off/remote confiscated and any other tech removed until he gets it done. 18yo would also be expected to help with laundry, grocery shopping and cooking a meal for the household at least once a week (his time to shine). I find it interesting you asked if girls would be easier - I wonder what your expectations would be if your children were girls? I know my mother expected me to cook and clean when I lived at home but no such expectations have ever been placed on my brother who doesn't even know how to boil an egg. She consequently thinks girls are "easier": they aren't, she just had totally different standards for me who had to get on with it and contribute to family life, and my brother who was largely left alone because "boys will be boys".

I think you need to concentrate on the schooling issues for the 8 year old and setting boundaries for him.

@DotForShort

I’m also curious about what a typical day is like in your family, both pre-lockdown and recently. How do you and your sons spend your time, both separately and together?

Pre lock down

School
Home
DS(8) is allowed to play on a device 1 hour before dinner.
Home work (which usually ends with him crying)
Bath-time
Depending on his mood, we will watch television/movie before he falls asleep

Weekend
I usually let him pick what he wants to do.

Pre-lockdown (DS18)

He is usually very busy, sometimes he will be upstairs all day until he is finished.

Weekends, usually out with friends/girlfriend

@BahHumPug

Yes I’m in the U.K. I know she shouldn’t be in the house, DS(18) just came in with her, I will be having words with him when she’s gone (I hope she doesn’t stay the night)

Lockdown is almost over, so I’m not as paranoid as I was before.

I know she shouldn’t be in the house, DS(18) just came in with her, I will be having words with him when she’s gone (I hope she doesn’t stay the night)

Does he pay rent? Does he pay the mortgage? Does he own the house?

Unless any of the above is a yes, then you are perfectly within your rights to tell him she has to leave! Jesus fucking christ OP, where is your spine?

You have the backbone of a jellyfish. I feel for your children.

At this point your 18 year old should be ok to bring a friend home, have a nice socially distanced chat in the garden and then leave. She shouldn't be staying the night and you should be re-inforcing this not dealing with it after it has happened!!
You are a troll aren't you?

If they're not a troll - feel for those in their family.