Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 30/05/2020 13:44

I don't understand why he is doing this

OP, try thinking of things from a child's point of view. The world is a big and scary place. New things happen all the time. Adults are 2-3 times your height. Your emotions are huge and often overwhelming - you don't have a bank of decades' of experience to set them against, so a scraped knee is agony, a missing toy is a tragedy.

What makes this world feel safer is rules, boundaries and certainty. These are provided primarily by parents, but can also come from other carers and teachers. Having rules in place is like having a fence around your garden. Yes, it keeps you in, but it also keeps nasties out, and stops you from getting lost.

Kids actively want these fences (think back to your favourite teacher at school, I bet it wasn't the most lenient one). They need to know where they are. Kids will actively escalate their behaviour until they meet resistance, because that's how they find out what the rules are.

Once they've found a fence/rule, they don't take its existence for granted. They check, frequently, that it is still there and still strong. (Imagine your house is surrounded by wild forests containing bears and wolves, because that's how the world feels to children. You would check your fence - giving the panels a good kicking to make sure - pretty often.

What is happening right now in your house is this: your ds has grown up so far without much of a safety fence - they've all been easy to kick over, and they've been a long way out from the house. Now, suddenly, he's woken up and there's a great big safety fence quite close to the house. He is in "wtf?" mode. He's testing it, to see if it really is as stable and strong as it appears. There's never been one before, so expect the testing to be quite persistent. If it passes the test though, although he may whine about the fence spoiling the view, he will feel a lot safer, and be calmer and happier.

The process of fence- testing can look and sound quite unpleasant. Expect tantrums, wheedling, manipulation, insults, right through to possible hitting or throwing things. The verbal stuff - just ignore it. Do not engage with individual comments. They don't matter - the rule is the rule. Hitting etc needs immediate intervention, and keep it as calm as possible. Don't let him see you're bothered. Weather the storm of the testing. You have to be more stubborn than he is.

All this is to say that, although it's trying for you, your ds' behaviour is pretty normal. He's no problem child, and he'll settle down a lot when he feels like he can trust the new rules to be consistently enforced. Consistency is REALLY important - every time you stay strong and enforce the rule, no matter what tantrum/ manipulation he throws at you, you're teaching him to trust you.

Don't be scared to explain to the boys what is happening and why. You're setting them boundaries because you love them. They need boundaries to keep them safe and well and to learn how to be good people and live meaningful lives. They can thank you later.

ChiaWatermelon · 30/05/2020 13:46

Why bother paying for school if he's not doing anything? Just send him to the local comp and save the money

There aren’t many state schools in the area we live in, I don’t pay the school fees I never have. DS(8) loves school but has found it hard to adapt to not going to school but having to do school work, it’s even a struggle to do this home work at times.

Even if schools open soon, I don’t think he will allowed back until September now.

I do not understand why I’m being asked why am I letting him skip school? If it wasn’t for the pandemic DS(8) would have been at school every single day.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 30/05/2020 13:50

I'd really recommend the book

The Incredible Years

by Carolyn Webster-Stratton. It has some excellent advice on how to build positive, warm family relationships (and deal with the less good stuff). A lot of the time parenting advice is "how to punish when they're naughty" but "how to have a good time more often" is at least as important.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Tableclothing · 30/05/2020 13:51

I do not understand why I’m being asked why am I letting him skip school?

Because keeping up with his school work will

A) give him a sense of achievement
B) give a structure to the day
C) help him keep up with his peers

DotForShort · 30/05/2020 14:06

I do not understand why I’m being asked why am I letting him skip school?

Hmm Because you are. He is not attending online assemblies or lessons, he is not doing the work that has been set by the school. That is the equivalent of skipping school. But I think you know that. Let's not be disingenuous.

InThePocketOfAJacket · 30/05/2020 14:12

@Bulletwithwings
Pre-Covid we'd just set up a 'timetable' for my eldest as he was spending too much time on screens. So it was homework and chores when he got home from school, 4-6 he could game then 7-9. He plays footy so trained one night a week and also went to his GP's once or twice a week after school so this wasn't every night. Saturday we were a bit more lenient but he wasn't allowed on it all day and Sunday he played footy and we had more family time.

Mine are older so wouldn't suit for everyone and he does probably get more gaming time than he should but he does tournaments and is quite good! For instance today, he's been told no game time at all while the suns out!

Even though mine are older, the timetable works so much better for them as they know what's expected of them, I'm furloughed at moment as well so it's easy to manage.

BahHumPug · 30/05/2020 14:20

I do not understand why I’m being asked why am I letting him skip school?

Because you literally are, and then you're lying to the school about it. This has to be a wind up. No one can be this stupid. Perhaps it's heavy metal poisoning from all the fish...

Fedhimtotigers · 30/05/2020 14:53

Do you actually think you are good at parenting? Do you really believe you are raising decent humans and more so men?

mbosnz · 30/05/2020 15:04

I really do think that lazy, self indulgent parenting, sometimes masquerades as kind and loving parent. And I really do think it can be very damaging, when this happens. It's no way to grow good adults, who have good life skills, good habits, good work ethics, who have made the most of the educational opportunities they have been fortunate to have been offered - unfortunately without the parental support and guidance they need when younger to do so.

InThePocketOfAJacket · 30/05/2020 15:45

I agree PP, I'm sure my kids hate me sometimes for the 'rules' and sometimes I feel bad for making them do certain things or not letting them do others but ultimately, In doing so they have half a start at been decent humans! As a teenager, I was never allowed to do what I wanted and my parents were quit strict which I thank them for now. How you bring your children up absolutely has bearing on how they are as adults so it's never too late to start.

OtterBe4 · 30/05/2020 15:51

Where do you get this gilded life?
No need to work, someone pays school fees, you eat like a michelin restaurant.
Proof though ££ doesn’t bring you happiness when it results in two disrespectful rude sons.
You’d think if OP was independently wealthy she’d just say, wonder if the lifestyle is owed to the hacker/fraudster exDH 🤔🤔

mummmy2017 · 30/05/2020 15:52

ChiaWatermelon your son is 8,so while it would be good if he did some reading and maths and writing, other stuff he has time to catch up on.
I don't think you should force him, but could you look up some fun science to do with him, and see if he will write out the experiments, or just talk about why.
One is where you spin a bucket of water, centrifugal force.
The surface tension.
There are lots of things you can teach , that are fun.

PurpleTinsel · 30/05/2020 16:01

I don’t really understand your justification for lying to the school about your DS doing schoolwork at home.

You say that you don’t want to be looked down on - which I do sort of get - but surely, if he does no schoolwork at all, it’ll be obvious when he returns to school?

I mean, realistically, it’ll be about 6 months away from school by September. That’s a long time for an 8 year old. There’s likely to be a difference in performance between an 8 year old who’s been doing even a bit of work each day, and an 8 year old who’s done absolutely nothing.

I know it’s not great to have email the teachers and admit you’re struggling to get your DC to do all the work set (I’ve been there with my DC during lockdown. The teachers have been understanding for the most part and said that even a little every day will help when school reopens).

But surely, if you’re worried about the teachers looking down on you, you can see that’s more likely if you pretend he’s doing everything, and then they learn that this is all a big lie and he’s actually done nothing after the first few days?

InThePocketOfAJacket · 30/05/2020 16:06

BBC bitesize has some really good stuff you can do together or even playing Connect 4 or an age suitable scrabble that you can do together on his iPad.

Happicuppa · 30/05/2020 16:18

OP, why are you making an 18 year olds breakfast for him?! Confused and why are you giving them a menu, like it's a hotel?
They're both old enough to make themselves fruit, cereal or toast

An 18 year old (adult man) thinks his mother is being "so difficult" because he only gets a choice between salmon/poached eggs, and pancakes? Seriously?

Frankly now that he is an adult he should be cooking an evening meal for the family at least once a week!

I hope you realise that how they are treating you is how they will treat their future wives and girlfriends.

HoldMyWeave · 30/05/2020 16:34

I pity their future girlfriends!!!

WendyHoused · 30/05/2020 17:25

OP, until you stop thinking indulging your sons' every whim is good parenting, you're on a hiding to nothing.

Your eldest should be financially contributing because he is earning. Your 8yo should absolutely not be setting the family's evening meals each day. YOU ARE THE PARENT, so for goodness sake, parent.

ChiaWatermelon · 30/05/2020 18:03

Sorry I haven’t replied to the comments, I just needed time to myself to think.

Dinner has been a success this evening, only down to the fact that DS(18) was here to join us for dinner.

DS(8) requested food that we didn’t have at home, I didn’t manage to go to the supermarket today, I’ll go tomorrow. I just find it very strange that he didn’t cause a fuss (like he usually would) and let me pick something due to the fact that someone else was in the house, he sat and ate without any issues.

OP posts:
DotForShort · 30/05/2020 18:08

What? Confused Isn’t your elder son usually there for dinner? Why do you ascribe your younger son’s behaviour to his brother’s presence? That seems a very odd conclusion to draw.

Bulletwithwings · 30/05/2020 18:12

@InThePocketOfAJacket thanks for sharing that sounds pretty well balanced. I think I want to enforce something similar to avoid all the schoolwork battles when we go back to (some kind of) normal.

I dont think gaming is all that bad as long it doesnt get out of hand.. it's less passive than TV!

Fiddlesticks345 · 30/05/2020 18:15

@OtterBe4 you’re coming across really badly. Are you jealous of OP’s financial situation? It’s perfectly possible to provide the kids with luxurious food and holidays and still teach them to be decent and well-rounded adults. That’s obviously not happening at the moment but she knows that and she’s working on it! Give her a break!

ChiaWatermelon · 30/05/2020 18:16

@DotForShort DS(18) lives with us, I was just saying it’s strange that DS(8) behaved and didn’t cause a fuss because we had a visitor.

@OtterBe4 Again, I am not here to discuss my life or finances with strangers online, I know others may feel comfortable doing so, but I’m certainly not!

OP posts:
PurpleTinsel · 30/05/2020 18:19

OP, it may be worth considering a weekly meal plan - drawn up with your DS’s input if you want to give them some choice.

That would allow you to organise your supermarket shopping so that you have the right ingredients in the house.

You’d have to be prepared to stick to the meal plan for that to work though. And I wouldn’t let the 8 yr old pick every evening meal. It doesn’t sound very fair on the rest of you.

OtterBe4 · 30/05/2020 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LIZS · 30/05/2020 18:29

Given that this week was half term , you could reintroduce school into the agenda from next week. Starting afresh and giving some structure to the day. Maybe you could find something similar, an online course or exercise class. Even a little work would help him adapt to going back. I suspect most private schools will try to offer their pupils something on site before the summer holidays. You have not responded to queries about what he actually dies all day, other than nap or resist exercise. Is there anything positive in his day at the moment?

Swipe left for the next trending thread