I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

@EatsShootsAndRuns Yes, that’s correct I do not work. Although I have money to do nice things with the children and take care of them, that is nothing unusual. You don’t have to believe me if you don’t want to, I know I’m telling the truth and that’s all that matters.

If this is true (and I kind of hope it's not), I personally think that you should have sat both boys down at the very beginning and explained that things need to change a bit.
You suddenly changed your behaviour and actions and it's hardly surprising that the boys were confused!

I don't know why on earth you're letting the 8yr old choose what everyone eats for dinner and yet he can't choose his own breakfast! I would provide cereals, toast, fruit and let them help themselves at the table. They've got two choices ... eat it or leave it.

None of this bloody smoked salmon bagel malarkey everyday ffs! Maybe a treat at the weekend but weekdays are basics.

Also school work is non-negotiable. You do it or your tec goes. The more you do, the longer you get etc.
I used to find taking the controllers or charging leads worked a treat!

You 'just' have to stand firm and be clear and consistent. Oh and I wouldn't let the 18yr old talk to me as if I was his maid that's for sure.

Are the school not chasing any schoolwork? If you feel you have no authority to insist maybe showing him something form the school with clear expectations would help. What is he doing if not schoolwork, no tv or electronics?

why should he choose your breakfast? That was not what you agreed anyway.

@LIZS

School are regularly in touch, I am having to lie to them.

He didn’t understand why I didn’t let him help me choose, but that’s over and done with now.

OP why do you feel you have to lie to them? What are you telling them? Does he know you're lying to them?

You need to be absolutely truthful with them, then you should get some help.

By letting him get away with not doing his school work, you are actively damaging his future just so you can have an easy life.

OP, you are ruining your children. You need some serious help here.

@StrawberryJam200

I have told them that he has been doing schoolwork, at the beginning of the pandemic school were very strict they ordered for all children to get dressed for school and attend assembly and classes. He was fine with it for a few days, then refused. I had to tell them he wasn’t well.

DS attends a selective fee paying school, and I just don’t want to be looked down upon.

*online assembly & classes

You don’t have to lie to the school. You’re choosing to lie. Do the school authorities believe your son has been ill for more than two months? Haven’t they expressed concern about that?

You are really doing your child no favours at all by allowing him to get away with this behaviour. I know you have mentioned his mental health issues. How much actual support are you and he receiving?

I just don’t want to be looked down upon.

So you feeling good about yourself is more important than your son's future?

Why bother paying for school if he's not doing anything? Just send him to the local comp and save the money.

You are absolutely infuriating and I hope you're a troll. Why the fuck are you lying to the school? So YOU look better? Yeah fuck your son's education and discipline, as long as the school think you're great bet they dont

Go and eat some salmon. You're all lost causes.

You won't be looked down upon, but better to face up now and get support. He will be worse off when school resumes and he has missed out on certain subjects. Even a limited amount should be non negotiable. Do you even show him what has been sent through or set? Go over what is being asked , sit him down with appropriate resources for say half an hour and return. Whatever he has or has not done is submitted.

All this face saving and desperation to do as they please must be exhausting for you.

The school will know you are pretending because they will know you and they will know your child is pulling the strings in your family.

I once was a nanny for a child who was similarly ruined. His mother once let him have a bath in coca-cola. He was miserable too.

Saying you aren't goi g to let him have a 'bowl of sugar' for breakfast because it's nutritionally bad for him but allowing him to carry on like this is madness. You will end up with a child with a healthy body but everything else is completely screwed up.

I can definitely see why your sons are behaving the way they are. Because you have behaved the way you have, and are behaving the way you are.

Why wouldn't they?

Why are the school not doing online face to face lessons?
The fee paying ones I know are.

At the start of lockdown we made up a timetable for schooling and screen time. So 10am up, dressed, showered and breakfast.
Then 11am to 1pm was school work. Whatever the teachers set, if they didn't understand it or wanted help, they email the teachers.
1-2pm lunchtime then 3-4pm outside time. A walk, bike ride or game of footy in the garden. Then as long as all those things had been done, they could go on their screens.
It may sound regimented but they stuck to it well and always knew what they were doing mon-fri. Sometimes they didn't have outside time, we played board games instead but the school work 2 hours was non-negotiable - no screens if not.
They've done as they pleased this week with it been school hols but will be back to it on Monday.
Why don't your draw up a timetable with him today, say it starts Monday and it's non-negotiable?

I’m a single mum to 18 and 13 year old boys. Chores happen on a rota basis, so everyone has their days / their chores. So for example washing up and cleaning the cat’s litter tray, we all do on certain days; ds1 mows the lawn, but I’m in charge of laundry (I only wash what’s put in the basket though). I don’t overly punish, but I guess there are natural consequences (Ds1 once ran out of pants, but he certainly learned to follow the laundry rules!)
I do think that if you want your kids to respect you, you need to be respectful in the way you talk to, and about, them. But that doesn’t mean being a pushover.

@mummmy2017

Yes they were at first, they have slowed down a bit now.

Right, so school work is next week's focus! And I agree with PPs that the best approach is to withhold all screens until it's done. And stop choosing to lie.

With food, I think he's planning just to eat at dinners. The throwing breakfast away is unacceptable: tell him that. Also tell him that he can eat it or say no thank you, but if he throws it away, he doesn't get to choose dinner that day. Because what he's doing is rude and you can't ignore that any more.

Why are you letting him skip school?

Op I havent read the full thread but some things resonate with me so I empathise. My younger 6yo ds sounds very similar, especially with the walks/going out and doing schoolwork. I do not have the same issue with DD. I'm also a bit "softer" like you. Lots of useful advice from PP (that is helpful for me!!!) but also some posters being rather harsh on you - ultimately you sound like a genuinely kind and loving mum.

I dont have issue with food with mine, he moans but I've always had a take it or leave it attitude so he knows he will go hungry. And sometimes he does choose to go hungry so everyone loses out. Same with school work - he would then say "fine, take my tablet and TV - I dont care". Or he goes out with us and sulks or kicks trees. For me my problem is I'm working all week and I lay into them all weekends so it's a different structure. Also dont underestimate the impact of the lockdown emotionally on us all. Whereas reward systems work with DD and she can be motivated most of the time, DS is impossible to cheer up, which also means he's lost all motivation for schoolwork.

When DS in the mood and gets involved(e.g. cooking or an activity) hes actually a nice kid.

I dont make mine do household chores as I never had to do it growing up. But I left home at 17 and totally survived ok, so I do think you could pull your older DS aside and tell him how you feel and agree a way of what he can do to chip in going forwards.

For you its extra hard as you dont have a DH around and I do think boys need a good male role model. Do you have brothers or good friend that you can meet up with ds? I have a brother with the same age gap as your DS and with a mostly absent dad I didnt have any male authority figure and was quite a wild child with a tumultuous relationship with my mum (I.e. acting out like your Ds does)

[quote ChiaWatermelon]@WitchDancer

Yes that’s what I told him, I still don’t understand why he is doing this.[/quote]
He is behaving the way that he is because you have never taught him any differently.

For 8 years he has been able to dictate what you all eat. If he changes his mind you make him something else.

If he doesn’t want to do schoolwork you don’t make him. If he wants to stay in his room you allow it.

Children don’t learn boundaries and develop respect automatically. Parents teach these things through consistency, firm boundaries and consequences.

If 8 years he hasn’t had these things and now that you are trying to impose them he is understandably pushing back.

Your boys don’t respect you because you haven’t taught them how.

Your son needs to unlearn 8 years of behaviour and it’s going to be a long slog. It’ll be worth persevering though so that they can have healthy relationships in the future.

As an aside I’m not sure why you are sneering at people for giving children cereal a plain bagel contains 4 times more sugar than 2 weetabix. Guidelines also suggest children shouldn’t be eating more than 2 portions of oily fish a week because of the heavy metals that they contain.

Oh, and we meal plan / shop together. So there’s a selection of breakfast items, and everyone gets their own. Lunch we’ll sometimes have together, eg I’ll make a big pot of soup on the weekend for the week, or I’ll buy in stuff for sandwiches etc that everyone can help themselves. I’ll often have help from one of them to cook dinner, and we try to eat together as often as possible. We each choose some of the meals, and I’ll tweak them to individuals if necessary (eg Ds1 likes sweetcorn, but neither me or ds2 do). But that’s a family culture built over years, not something that happens overnight.

@InThePocketOfAJacket I like your regiment. Can I ask what the normal (non covid) school week routine is like?

@bullet
You should read all OPs posts, they are incredibly indulged boys.
Also, boys don’t need a male role model, what outdated crap.