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Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 30/05/2020 05:55

Stick with that for a week then maybe change round who get to choose which meal. Well done on finding some strength.

I'd also recommend the book positive discipline. It was a game changer for me.

Can I recommend that both kids have to prepare said meal choice with you. They really need some skills to cope with their futures.

So every week could they learn how to do something eg clean a bathroom, do washing, change sheets, dust, Hoover etc. Because even if they are only ever going to live lives with cooks, cleaners, etc they should still know if they're doing an adequate job.

Also fortunes can change, so please don't make it another woman's job to train them up.

Bluemoooon · 30/05/2020 08:36

Im limited e children with no boundaries become anxious (I would be anxious in a situation where I did not know societies expectations or what the norms were, it's not fear it's confusion) - this ends up with tantrums as they have not learned that it's ok to be disappointed sometimes or annoyed or angry. The anxiety will last a lifetime I would think if not treated. It's very sad. Parents think letting the DCs do what they want is kind, it's not, it's also done in laziness as it's easier not to argue.

Topsy44 · 30/05/2020 09:01

I haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to say (a) you're a fab parent for recognising that you need to change your DC's habits and (b) you're brave for asking for advice about it.

None of us are perfect parents or human beings for that matter. Also, lockdown has been extremely difficult for most of us having to juggle wfh, home schooling - kids out of routine etc so please cut yourself some slack.

I, too, have an 8 year old DD and like you I love her to bits but she has pressed a lot of my buttons in lockdown. She has a stubborn personality and the best thing that works for her is the reward chart. Good luck, its not easy and give yourself a big pat on the back for making a new start.

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Families
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 30/05/2020 09:13

@time2change2 *I don’t agree that he is spoilt. Many parents don’t like saying no to their child. They don’t want to upset them, don’t want their child to have a tantrum. Lots have huge anxiety of their child kicking off in public (you may recognise this in yourself but I don’t know you so am just guessing from this post)

What this creates is a child who is just used to getting anything they want whenever they want,*

Isn't that the definition of a spoilt child? One who gets whatever they want whenever they want it?

battiebatter · 30/05/2020 09:20

This thread is a joke, surely? Hmm

OP, if this is not a joke, you need to work on your assertiveness, because based on your posts, you are a permissive parent who is unable to set basic boundaries. you are letting down your boys by pandering to them.

OtterBe4 · 30/05/2020 09:52

@battiebatter
What did the little princes have this morning?
Freshly caught salmon and fresh laid duck
eggs and handmade croissants?? followed by packing for a quick orbit of the moon because they like stars??

Time2change2 · 30/05/2020 09:59

I don’t think anyone needs to be mean or Sarky to this lady. Most people try their best with their children, some people just aren’t assertive in any area of life and find being assertive with children difficult. There are no trial periods with kids so you wouldn’t know how it’s going to be until years later. Lots of mums just get really anxious about their child getting angry with them and just want to please them all the time.
At least this OP has recognised that all is perhaps not as it should be and wants to make some changes. Plenty of parents are extremely permissive, their kids rule the roost yet mum and dad think they are the perfectly behaved child and they have the greatest parenting skills in the world!
We are all learning as parents, whatever stage our kids are at!
Why do some people need to be so horrid on here?

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 30/05/2020 10:11

I also don’t understand why some people are being so horrible towards me and my children, I have been nothing but honest.
@OtterBe4 I will continue serving 5* healthy foods, me encouraging the boys to eat cereal is like giving them a bowl of sugar, please stop being sarcastic.
This morning hasn’t went well, DS(8) was and is still upset because I wouldn’t let him help me choose what I wanted for breakfast, he threw his plate in the bin.

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 30/05/2020 10:14

He threw it in the bin? Ok, so he goes hungry until the next meal. Be strong, you can do this!

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 30/05/2020 10:17

@WitchDancer

Yes that’s what I told him, I still don’t understand why he is doing this.

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 30/05/2020 10:20

He's trying to gain control back, that's why he's doing it (or he really didn't like what was offered). You've drawn your line now, just be consistent with it and he'll learn.

Fedhimtotigers · 30/05/2020 10:21

I still don’t understand why he is doing this.

Dr Frankenstein meet your creation.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 30/05/2020 10:22

Have you tried teaching them how to cook, OP?

BahHumPug · 30/05/2020 10:32

I still don’t understand why he is doing this

I don't suppose you've ever heard of cause and effect? Or consequences of your actions? Tbf your children haven't...

Bumpinthenight · 30/05/2020 10:33

[quote ChiaWatermelon]@WitchDancer

Yes that’s what I told him, I still don’t understand why he is doing this.[/quote]
He has had years of telling you what he is eating and then getting it. He has had all the control and now he hasn't got as much he is fighting back against it.

Be firm. Nothing until lunch, maybe fruit for a snack.

Dinner - he gets to choose from two options (he has some choice, but it is limited). You could even limit it to sausages and mash or fish fingers and mash to further limit his control over you.

You need to stick firm. Of course it is easier to give in but your life will be a nightmare forever if you do.

BahHumPug · 30/05/2020 10:36

You could even limit it to sausages and mash or fish fingers and mash to further limit his control over you.

Or twice baked souffle with asparagus or monkfish with asparagus Wink

taptonaria27 · 30/05/2020 10:43

What works really well for us is to menu plan the week and stick it up on the fridge.
If you could involve your boys with that they'd get some choice and control but you and they would know what is being served on any given day.
I think for the sake of your 8 year old, once the menu is been agreed, do not deviate from it

Bumpinthenight · 30/05/2020 10:50

Or twice baked souffle with asparagus or monkfish with asparagus

Grin
chipsandpeas · 30/05/2020 10:51

your 8 yr old has way too much control

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 30/05/2020 10:52

I just feel like crying, but I’m not going to give up or give in.

OP posts:
justforthecake · 30/05/2020 10:56

He's doing this to regain control.
Op throwing food away at 8years old because it is not up to some perceived standard is not acceptable, it is bad behaviour that need as consequence.

At the beginning of this year my girls and I sat and wrote out meal lists, we went through all the cook books and also put in our favourites.

I then did a meal plan for each week. They got to swap or veto one meal each.

We have stuck to it.

For the 8yr old - let him dish up his portion, the rule being he eats everything that he puts on his plate, he can go back for more but nothing is binned.

School work is not an option.
He gets no electronics at all, including tv, until he has done his school work.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 30/05/2020 10:57

He refuses to do school work every single day, I gave up a long while ago.

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 30/05/2020 10:59

He refuses to do school work every single day, I gave up a long while ago.

Then he gets no electronics every single day.

Bumpinthenight · 30/05/2020 11:17

You giving up is why he is behaving like this.

He doesn't want to do schoolwork so refused and you stopped going on at him. Now he doesn't do schoolwork. A WIN.

He doesn't want the bagel you made for breakfast. He refuses to eat it. Refuses to eat it at lunchtime. He got a new bagel. A WIN.

He doesn't want to go on a walk. He didn't. A WIN.

You need to break the cycle.

Children can only control two things - what goes into their bodies and what comes out. Food is emotive - you want him to eat. He will eat eventually.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 30/05/2020 11:19

I gave up a long while ago

So did I. That is, I gave up believing this pile of horsepoo. Salmon for breakfast as a regular, almost daily thing? Taking a bratty child to Monaco because he likes yachts? Holidaying in Dubai frequently?

Without you working? with your employed 18-year-old son not paying a penny piece for his keep?

Come on. I didn't come down in the last shower!

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