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Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/05/2020 16:03

That's good to hear. With your 8yo off in his room a lot and not wanting to do stuff with you, I just wondered.

BahHumPug · 29/05/2020 16:04

@0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h yes I dithered over how to phrase that and didn't really nail it in the end...I agree with you

Fedhimtotigers · 29/05/2020 16:08

How on earth do you afford to keep two boys in endless smoked salmon and prawns and avocados, plus holiday 5x a year to America and Dubai, when you haven't worked for a decade?! Genuinely, tell me your secrets!

All of this. Seems mildly far fetched.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 29/05/2020 16:10

There are plenty of wealthy women who don't work fed.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 16:23

@Fedhimtotigers

I didn’t say that we go to those two places 5x a year, I said “mainly” we do go to other places such as Monaco (DS8) loves yachts, and Milan which is nice.

I am not going to discuss where I get my money from, because this is not the place.

OP posts:
BahHumPug · 29/05/2020 16:28

You take your child to Monaco because he likes yachts? And you wonder why they're acting spoiled...

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 29/05/2020 16:32

I agree with PP that you only seem to be providing Stuff and not actual emotional support.

Your 18yr old sounds like the sort of man most women would run a mile from - rude, entitled, lazy and a cheater - and you're just letting him get away with it all. Your 8yr old will be learning from all of this OP.

Fedhimtotigers · 29/05/2020 16:39

I didn’t say that we go to those two places 5x a year, I said “mainly” we do go to other places such as Monaco (DS8) loves yachts, and Milan which is nice.

😂😂

You asked earlier if girls would've been different. If you're real and not just bored then your shitty parenting would've been the same across the sexed I assume.

Abkbjbjb · 29/05/2020 16:42

Following as I have a six year old son who is the exact same 😒

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 16:48

@BahHumPug

My children are not spoilt.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow My son has a girlfriend and he doesn’t mistreat girls.

@Abkbjbjb Even though I started this thread you can ask members questions.

OP posts:
Fedhimtotigers · 29/05/2020 16:49

My children are not spoilt.

Every single problem you have with their behaviour is because you spoilt them.

BahHumPug · 29/05/2020 16:56

Your son cheats on his girlfriend. How is that not mistreating women? 🙄

BahHumPug · 29/05/2020 17:13

Your son cheats on his girlfriend. How is that not mistreating women? 🙄

hellsbellsmelons · 29/05/2020 17:13

and it doesn’t matter if they aren’t circles they can be any shape – This is massive progress in 3 days OP and you still didn’t cave – well done!

he ate a fair bit and thanked me afterwards, we are going to go for a walk soon – YES – it’s working!

I've only just come across this thread.
After decades of doing what you did, to turn that around in 4 days is epic!
Seriously well done.
You have a long way to go yet.
There will be set backs but you sound like you've reached the end of your tether and you will now stick to this.

Ignore all the wonderful, perfect bloody parents, who have never ever done anything wrong at all in their parenting lives!!
We all do it differently.
You are taking back control.
Good on you!
Keep going!

OtterBe4 · 29/05/2020 17:18

@chia
You are deluded if you think they aren't spoiled!!
I'm sure very few kids get US, Dubai, Monaco holidays 5 times per year and choices of fresh salmon at breakfast from a mother/servant!!!
Plus they do bugger all to help you.
I'd say if you have this millionaire lifestyle without working they aren't learning the value of anything.

OtterBe4 · 29/05/2020 17:21

@Fedhimtotigers
ExH is a crook involved in fraud & hacking. I'm starting to wonder at the source of this lavish lifestyle. 🙄

DotForShort · 29/05/2020 17:24

Based on everything you've written, I would say that your children sound dreadfully spoiled, as well as disrespectful and entitled. Of course, you could change all of that with the younger boy. It won't be easy, but it's certainly possible. Alas, the 18-year-old is unlikely to change.

Bluemoooon · 29/05/2020 17:30

Since then I have dedicated my whole life to the boys

Have you turned into their slave.
'doing everything' doesn't necessarily make people like you or respect you.It also puts pressure on the receiver as your happiness is dependent on their behaviour and their happiness, that is claustrophobic and stressful for them. You are not carving out alife for yourself.

I wouldn't want a mother who pandered to my every need, I would want a mother who was fun, funny, interesting (ie she had a life other than mother) so I could chat to her, learn from her, discuss things with her.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 17:41

@OtterBe4

I haven’t been with the boys father for years now. Can we please not bring up things from previous threads, thanks.

@BuhHumPug My son doesn’t cheat on his girlfriend (as far as I’m aware)

I don’t understand why you have taken something from another thread to make my son look bad.

@hellsbellsmelons Thank you, I have been trying very hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 19:46

Back again.

We sat and ate dinner at the table this evening, no moaning or complaining which I’m happy about (I actually feel a bit better now)

I told both boys that I’m really not happy about having to cook two different each day and that there will be some changes especially with meal time’s.

I’ll be choosing breakfast (because I’m mum)
DS(18) will choose lunch if he is in the house (because he is second eldest)
DS(8) Can choose dinner.

DS(8) that he will help me choose every morning, I thanked him and said I’m able to decide for myself and if I need help deciding I will ask him.

DS(18) went on to say “I’m rarely home for lunch, if I go out I need something to look forward to come home to... blah blah blah”

I want to thank you all for the help and support given, I couldn’t have done it without you.

I hope this all goes well for me, I’m feeling very positive.

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 29/05/2020 20:21

My son has a girlfriend and he doesn’t mistreat girls. you wrote a whole thread about how he's chatting up other girls behind her back! That's definitely cheating.

hiredandsqueak · 29/05/2020 22:57

I think you are pretty deluded if you think that four days in you have made any real inroads into either of your son's lack of respect for you as their mother.
I have three, now adult sons and cannot imagine having to cater to or consult an 8 year old or an 18 year old to establish what meals you will cook to their own individual tastes not only once a day but three times a day.
Your eldest is an adult, why are you fixing his breakfast? Your 8 year old could make himself cereal, toast, sandwiches etc. Mine were helping themselves from younger than eight to the items I laid out for breakfast.
Food is only a very small part of your problem IMO, your apparent need not to upset your sons or lay down rules and consequences are really doing them a disservice.
Compared to you I would probably be considered an ogre because I wouldn't have put up with an iota of what you experience daily. There were rules and consequences and I enforced them, I expected that they treated me and each other respectfully and I pulled them up every time their behaviour fell short and I loved them.
You need to get a grip on them quickly because soon it won't just be you they are making unhappy. FWIW I imagine your youngest is miserable because he knows it's another stick with which to beat you. I'd send him to his room and tell him to write a list of all his current moans and you will look at it when you have time as I imagine that the no nonsense approach and the need for him to make an effort on his part will cut down the list of moans very quickly.

LaaLaaLanded · 29/05/2020 23:58

So you pick the least important meal and an eight year old is going to decide what you all eat forever more!

Vodkacranberryplease · 30/05/2020 00:22

Well done! It's a work in progress obviously - the whole 8 year old deciding dinner probably needs to change but you sat down and made a statement not up for debate. Since the 18 yr old has been a bit dick-ish easy enough to take back lunch.

As for supper well the 8 year old can decide on the sense that you might give him two options earlier on and he can pick one and that's it. Maybe. He needs to lose his top spot, that's for sure.

You said he was ASD didn't you? These things often run in families. Do you think either you or the ex might have it? Not a judgement but you do seem quite fixated on the food aspect and that might explain it - knowing more about yourself will help you parent effectively too. I could be wrong?(no expert) but it seems to be such a thing. Are there no other things you do together?

Time2change2 · 30/05/2020 00:41

I don’t agree that he is spoilt. Many parents don’t like saying no to their child. They don’t want to upset them, don’t want their child to have a tantrum. Lots have huge anxiety of their child kicking off in public (you may recognise this in yourself but I don’t know you so am just guessing from this post)
What this creates is a child who is just used to getting anything they want whenever they want, they often speak to their parents rudely as they are not corrected when doing so. They hold all the power and have very little respect for their parents. The reason many of these children behave well in school is because the teachers don’t give them everything they want teachers set clear boundaries and rules.
Children need and crave boundaries and rules. They need you to say no (even you think that’s the last thing they want). He will keep testing you over and over with unreasonable demands to see if you still give in to what he wants. This may be a bagel now or a meal because he knows that a route to power, however this will certainly escalate as he gets older.
The trouble is an 8 year old has already formed much of his personality and respect for you. This is done in the first 5 years. This is why it’s crucial to put in very firm boundaries and work on respect when the child is a toddler. When you put a boundary in (ie they have not earned something / missed out in something / they are not getting anything to eat other than that bagel and actually it’s very rude to ask mummy to make you something and then not eat it!) you absolutely must stick to that boundary or consequence it at all costs.
So many parents give a consequence and then I hear the next minute the child has done it again and nothing happens -parent just tuts and rolls eyes or similar.
It’s not too late to make things improve though. You must not be frightened of saying no. And if you make the decision that the answer is no, stick to it! It will take time but he will learn that you make the rules.