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Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 29/05/2020 13:18

Could you download the Harry Potter game, onto your phone where you go and catch them as you walk?
Hold the phone for 8 year old to see,let him choose directions to walk .
Not sure if Harry Potter is too much for his age to watch , but that is up to you.
Cook some cold meals.
And just tell them you can all eat when it's colder.
Maybe remind your eldest cooking a meal for a girlfriend can be fun. He could eat outside in the sunshine with her, and you will help him learn.
Baking could be fun for everyone.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 13:22

@OliviaBenson we all sit and eat together.
@mummmy2017 thanks for the suggestion but that’s not something he’d be interested in.

OP posts:
BahHumPug · 29/05/2020 13:26

You said on another thread that you couldn't eat all day because of a conversation you overhead your son having with a girl. That's not a normal response to food or parenting. Just something to think about. Your issues are impacting your children.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
thatsallineed · 29/05/2020 13:30

[quote ChiaWatermelon]@DappledThings I have had enough of both boys, so I don’t think I even owe them an explanation. DS(18) has come and asked me if everything is ok, I’ve told him to go away.

@lottiegarbanzo we mainly go to Dubai or America, I choose these places because they are places where we can shop, so they are always kept occupied and there isn’t much time for moaning or complaining.[/quote]
Your DS aged 18 is now a young man. All of a sudden he is showing signs of adult behaviour. He has come to you and asked if everything is ok.

When he comes back in, take him out of earshot of the younger one and apologise to him for telling him to go away. Since he is now an adult, he has a right to know what's been upsetting you and why you are at the end of your tether.

Talk to him - as one adult to another. You might be surprised.

Thurlow · 29/05/2020 13:33

I think you do owe them an explanation. You don't have to lay it on thick or be too emotional, but explain that it's not working for everyone to pander to so many different tastes, demands and expectations and so, as a family, you're going to work on having some rules and routines - so meal planning, eating what's put in front of you, going for a walk etc. You need to be stricter, yes, but if you get buy in from them it will help.

But as PP have pointed out, it's screaming out that there's a correlation between your eating habits and theirs; they will see that food is an issue for you, and they are copying that.

DotForShort · 29/05/2020 13:40
Hmm
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 13:46

@BahHumPug Yes, that’s because I was full of anxiety. Please don’t bring up precious threads because that thread has nothing to do with this thread.

@thatsallineed I’m not apologising to him.

OP posts:
BahHumPug · 29/05/2020 13:48

I apologise for bringing up a previous thread, but it has an enormous amount to do with this thread. You are scared of your children and you are afraid to give them consistent, appropriate consequences. That's evident in both.

DappledThings · 29/05/2020 13:52

You are scared of your children and you are afraid to give them consistent, appropriate consequences

But you are on top of that not communicating why you are upset with them but expecting changes in behaviour to happen anyway.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/05/2020 14:05

Why not apologise? If the kids said go away to you and then apologised, that would be a good thing, wouldn't it?

We have to model the behaviour we want from our DC.

DotForShort · 29/05/2020 14:06

Why do you accept such rudeness and disrespect from your children? Unbelievable.

thatsallineed · 29/05/2020 14:08

You young man has come up to you to ask what's wrong and you told him to go away. And you are refusing to apologise.

You get on with it then, because I'm done.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/05/2020 14:12

Do you talk to your DC? Apart from conversations about meal times? The communication side of dealing with their behaviour seems to be difficult for you.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/05/2020 14:55

Just to reflect something back to you. Upthread you said:

mum wasn’t really a good mother she’d buy us everything we wanted but was never there.

I said Sorry to sound harsh but aren't you doing a similar thing? Providing all the food, TVs and consoles they want but never 'being there' to do activities with them?

Your answer was:

we do go on holiday 4/5 times a year and I do take DS(8) on days out.

You then clarified that your holidays are mostly about shopping.

Don't you see, it's all just more stuff?

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 15:07

I am not going to apologise because it happened hours ago, and by the time he gets home he would have forgot about it. I didn’t say it in a horrible or an aggressive way, and he never took any notice of what I said because he was still hovering.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 29/05/2020 15:12

Are you going to talk to them both though op? Explain that things need to change?

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 15:14

@OliviaBenson Yes I am, I will this evening.

OP posts:
0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 29/05/2020 15:29

You're incredibly stroppy, OP. Your son was modelling the kind of behaviour you should be encouraging but you batted it away. Do you actually want him to be courteous or do you just want him on the end of a string? Something tells me you like being a victim because you then don't have to take responsibility for your own needs and behaviour.

BahHumPug · 29/05/2020 15:35

he never took any notice of what I said because he was still hovering.

Oh come on. You can't really be so dense? He was still hovering because he wanted his mother, who has flipped from doormat to actual parent with no clear (to him) trigger , to talk to him about what on earth is going on. And you denied him that. How can you expect them to change their behaviour if they don't even understand what was wrong? And how would they understand what was wrong if you've enabled it their whole lives?

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 15:37

@0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h I am sorry if I am coming across that way, I didn’t get much sleep lastnight I just feel so irritated and down today.

OP posts:
0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 29/05/2020 15:47

I'm sorry to hear that. Your boys aren't responsible for your feelings though. You need to give them a clean slate or impose a consequence. Don't go around huffing, it's not fair and is really quite abusive when you're in a position of power. The previous poster said they'd suddenly got a parent but I disagree, I think you're just trying a different game. If your son asks how you are it's your moment to affirm this empathy not punish him!! He probably won't do it again now and I don't blame him. Please... Find yourself another role. These things would seem much less significant and your sons would have some positive energy to react to.

WhitbyGoth · 29/05/2020 15:50

I could of wrote this post, 19 and 8 year old who are struggling to do anything atm!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 29/05/2020 15:55

If your son asks how you are it's your moment to affirm this empathy not punish him!! He probably won't do it again now and I don't blame him.

Very true.

Which is why you should apologise, OP. He may well have put it to the back of his mind but he won't have forgotten it in a matter of hours. I'm not saying he'll have been deeply affected or anything silly like that, just that he'll know the moment you're referring to and it'll shed new light on it.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 29/05/2020 15:58

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Yes I do speak to my children, on the whole we have a very good relationship. DS(18) and I sometimes speak for hours. He called not long ago to tell me that he will be joke around 6.

OP posts:
WhitbyGoth · 29/05/2020 15:58

@DocusDiplo well said! The Mumsnet perfect parenting brigade really piss me off!