I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

@DappledThings I have had enough of both boys, so I don’t think I even owe them an explanation. DS(18) has come and asked me if everything is ok, I’ve told him to go away.

@lottiegarbanzo we mainly go to Dubai or America, I choose these places because they are places where we can shop, so they are always kept occupied and there isn’t much time for moaning or complaining.

@OtterBe4 DS(18) is self-employed (graphic designer) he not long ago reached 100k subscribers on YouTube as well as near to that number on Instagram. I’m very proud of him, but not proud of his behaviour.

Does DS18 contribute financially to the house?
Honestly stop treating him as a child, maybe you’ve no need financially to work but it would help you and them.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.
And you are wondering what the problem is...

@OtterBe4

No he doesn’t, I pay for everything.

@chia
Time for serious talk then, you’re not a free hotel, you’re not equipping him for life, he’ll never move out!!
I’d be asking for £40pw even if you save it for him for a later date.
Get them involved in chores and the running of the house, if you worked they’d have been doing it anyway.
Do you want a future DIL having to tolerate your sons crappy attitude and being his skivvy??

I wouldn't tell him to go away, personally. I'm a big believer in modelling good manners with kids. Personally, I'd probably find him and explain that you think as a family you've reached a breaking point with both their behaviours and it's having a huge impact on your stress levels and mental health. You also don't think it's healthy for then to depend on you for everything. For that reason, you've decided that more boundaries are needed and that you won't be treated like a servant from this point on.

I'd also say that you appreciate that he'd like to cook more, but think it's important for the moment that you all eat the same thing as you can't afford to cater for three different dishes every mealtime. Suggest that from this point on, 18 year old will be responsible for planning and preparing some of the family meals (could be every breakfast, or a few dinners a week, whatever works). This will have an additional benefit as DS8 is far less likely to whine about what his brother sets in front of him.

Well done OP for recognising that things need to change and that the change needs to start with you. It's not easy to realise that.

My advice is to be aware of the roles you are assuming. I don't mean the roles as a parent, I mean the roles you are assuming as a person. You seem to have been in an eager to please 'child' role with your children which has led to the current situation.

Now you seem to be in an angry 'parent' role with them - again I'm talking about you as a person. 'I don't think I owe them an explanation'. Your DS asked if you are okay and 'I told him to go away'.

You need to be in the 'adult' role to parent effectively in this situation. Not the child (role) who just wants to please everyone and make them happy, not the parent (role) who is exercising their anger/ punishing because they can.

So channel your adult (easier said than done). Your boys are owed an explanation of why your behaviour is different. If your DS asks if you are okay - welcome that question. And tell him the truth, No you are not. You are very upset that your family of three is not functioning well and lockdown has made this more apparent. That you do not enjoy being treated as a servant. That you are changing how things are done in order to make ALL of you live together more harmoniously and with much greater respect for each other. That you appreciate things will feel very different to them but that this change, although scary feeling, will be a huge positive change for you all and that you are taking the lead on this. That you're in charge of making these changes and they need to work with you.

Sending you strength OP to do this and keep doing this.👍

Deliveroo! Haha. I do hope he's also paying towards bills and food if he had money for deliveroo. As for the crying of course he is. He will kick off massively- no one likes to lose their power. They all do it on super nanny. It lasts for days too. 😁

Look, it's a beautiful day, you should all be outside anyway. Why don't you use your cooking skills to make a few bits for a picnic lunch and load them all in the car and go somewhere - that's allowed at the moment. Even if it's just a decent size park. Don't be tempted to make too much to cater for fussiness. Take a book (you) and a ball/frisbee (them).

OK so DS18 is an adult, he is gaining independent work and being successful. He needs to start to contribute to the house - to be fair, if he was paying for his own breakfast from Deliveroo, I would just let him get on with it. His money, his time, his choice.
DS8 will be fine, he will get over it.
How about as a compromise, say you will be making pancakes for pudding tonight if he makes good choices about his behaviour to you today.

I have had enough of both boys, so I don’t think I even owe them an explanation

I don't think it is reasonable to expect an 8 year old to have their normal pattern of life significantly changed without any explanation of why.

OP look at it this way, a child that will not follow rules at 8 years old will grow to be an adult that doesn't respect authority (a little like your cheeky 18 year old) and will struggle with jobs, relationships and leading an adult life.

Parenting is about preparing them for their future, setting boundaries and sticking to it is exactly that.

You're doing well, just keep going and don't give in.

You don't want to raise a boy that has no respect for women.

How on earth do you afford to keep two boys in endless smoked salmon and prawns and avocados, plus holiday 5x a year to America and Dubai, when you haven't worked for a decade?! Genuinely, tell me your secrets!

The phrase 'I don't eat very much' stood out to me. You're obsessed with listing deluxe menus and ingredients. Being obsessed with food but not eating is classic eating disorder behaviour. If that's true, you can bet it's rubbing off on your children. Controlling you and themselves via what they eat, or don't eat...

@ChiaWatermelon well done to starting some changes but you're MUCH more likely to be able to keep going with them if you have some professional support.

Try calling someone today, before the weekend - the 8 year old's school, GP, school nurse service, a youth counselling service or any professional you've had previous contact with, and explaining the problems you've been having. I know waiting lists may be long at the moment but at least get on one and in the meantime they might direct you to useful sources of advice online.

Is your younger son due to go to his dad's again any time soon, or is that on hold after the last episode?

I think it is enough to say that current situation is not working well for you and you feel it needs to change. If your dses have any positive suggestions you are willing to listen. In the meantime you expect their behaviour to be more cooperative and that they eat whatever you serve. Do you meal plan, maybe allow them to choose one meal a week each, ideally that they would cook for you eventually.

You do need to talk to them and lay out what needs to change. Not surprised you’re fed up with them but how can they understand that you’re being serious and things are going to change of you don’t tell them? They’re not mind readers and will probably be more confused and difficult because things have changed.

At least if you have a calm discussion you can keep reiterating the changes every time they are offered food and don’t eat it or don’t do chores or consequences to their behaviour. It can be said in a nice, kind but assertive way. You can still show them love and support but that you are also a person with feelings that doesn’t want to be a doormat anymore

You do owe them an explanation; that the household is not working effectively and you are drawing up new boundaries for the long term benefit of everyone in the household.
At the moment, they just think you're just in a random strop and this will pass and you'll all continue the master/ servant mode.

Well I'm going to say fair enough not saying anything. You ARE in a strop and you are entitled to be! So what!? Life's not fair and they have to learn that. You've had enough and they need to see you are not just this person they can treat like that. Keep it up as long as you want, have the conversation about new rules when YOU want.

Or don't have the conversation. Say to yourself there's a new sheriff in town and that's that. Or simply say to them I've had enough of the pair of you and from now on my house my rules. They have both had years of loving and are not going to be emotionally damaged.

They will probably snap into line quicker than you thought if you take quite a hard line. Boys do tend to (like dogs) live in the moment and they are both a good age to start this with. 8 is pretty robust. And yours needs very decisive and strong parenting so he can be a child, and feel safe.

You see you are actually not weak at all - you were choosing to be because you thought they would love you more. They won't.

You really need to start a catering business (the perfect time, in semi lockdown). I was going to suggest you look into starting a deliveroo kitchen earlier but wasn't sure if you lived near enough - now I know you do you should just go for it. Some are only open a few hours a day doing very specific foods (breakfast etc) and I'm sure you could do it very well.

@BahHumPug
I wondered that myself, I’m assuming huge divorce settlement/inheritance/lottery win 🙄

Oh and next up is household chores. Give it a day
or so and then draw up a rota of sorts with them picking certain jobs - or have a trial of a week where they all have a go at everything then choose what they want to keep doing.

One of them will have inherited your love of cooking even if he doesn't know it yet. Maybe the 8 year old? Do some together - it's fun and bonding.

They can both do things that help you and make them feel proud. Boys LOVE to be useful. They love having tasks that they get praise for. They love having things they are good at. Even if they don't seem like it 😁. Once they get some thing right and are admired for it you're onto a winner!

Anything to get them off those fucking screens and keep them busy. And prepare them for life in the real world. And cement your new position as MD of the house.

Well I'm going to say fair enough not saying anything. You ARE in a strop and you are entitled to be! So what!? Life's not fair and they have to learn that

Makes no sense at all. An 8 year old has, for his whole life, been offered multiple choices about food and been allowed further choices when first ones are rejected. He hasn't been pulled up on being ungrateful about this so he has no reason to know it isn't on. Suddenly there has been a totally reasonable regime chance but with no explanation. So what was apparently totally acceptable for 8 years isn't and he's meant to figure out all by himself why that is.

The change is completely fair and reasonable. Expecting an 8 year old to know why it is happening and have a chance to get on board and modify his behaviour with no guidance at all is neither fair nor reasonable.

DS(8) asked for pancakes for lunch, I made them for him seen as he didn’t have breakfast, he ate a fair bit and thanked me afterwards, we are going to go for a walk soon.

DS(18) has gone out, I don’t know where and at this stage I don’t care.

The phrase 'I don't eat very much' stood out to me. You're obsessed with listing deluxe menus and ingredients. Being obsessed with food but not eating is classic eating disorder behaviour. If that's true, you can bet it's rubbing off on your children. Controlling you and themselves via what they eat, or don't eat

I will have a small breakfast and dinner, and sometimes some fruit in between, I don’t really have much of an appetite but I love to cook, which sound strange. I do not have a eating disorder, I just like to keep in shape and eat healthy especially at my age, I don’t want to let myself go.

I have never spent much time cooking and my kids had to fetch their own cereal from an early age, but I'm pleased to say that they have turned out to be fairly normal and well-adjusted.

Maybe bringing up your kids is more than just cooking for them?

I'm not sure giving pancakes for lunch is going to help you long term op.

I do think you need to set out some ground rules and tell them both this. Not inviting comment or questions, but in a this is how it's going to be way and why.

Do you eat with them?