I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

@StrawberryJam200 I split up with their dad years ago, one thing he wasn’t was disrespectful although he is very difficult and disrespectful now because I left him.

Cheater and used to indulge in illegal activity, I left him on several occasions, months/years at a time but he would always worm his way back in, but those were the days when I was extremely vulnerable.

Since then I have dedicated my whole life to the boys.

I encourage you to have a think about developing your own interests. Think more about what you enjoy and make time for it. It's very good for your kids to see you as your own person.

I want to thank you all, for the on going support given today. I really appreciate it.

I’ve just put DS(8) to bed, it feels as if he isn’t aware of his bad behaviour. I’ll go in and check on DS(18) before I go to bed.

I’m ready for day 3 tomorrow.

you really are going to turn this around! Sleep well!

@DHMB20 Thank you so much x

What helped make you less vulnerable OP?

How often do they see their dad, and how much time do they spend with him? I can't help wondering whether some of their attitude towards you is being learned from him.

@StrawberryJam200 The boys, I had to keep strong for them.

@thatsallineed DS(18) doesn’t speak to him, DS(8) doesn’t see him that often.

Good morning

Both boys are still sleeping, I will not be making a cooked breakfast this morning. Cereal, toast and fruit will be offered (and they will have to make it themselves)

Stay strong op you've got this. Put those boundaries in place and stick to them.

Good morning OP. You sound strong. Hope you have a good day. Remember, really breezy if they don’t want that “Okay. It’s xxx for lunch so you can wait until then”.

Then maybe two options for the 8yo, “do you want to scooter to xxx or walk to xxx?”

You’ve got this

We have a system where screen time starts at half an hour a day and rewards can be not only lost but gained. Encourage the good and discourage the bad.

Also, don't be afraid of saying No.

Ok

So both boys haven’t taken well to not being offered a cook breakfast this morning.

DS(18) just wants to know why I’m being difficult and has said that I’m going to force him into ordering breakfast from Deliveroo

DS(8) said he would like pancakes, and it doesn’t matter if they aren’t circles they can be any shape, I said I’m not cooking anything this morning. He is now crying, to be honest I don’t care, he can cry all he wants.

Don't cave. Go and do something somewhere else in the house.

I’d reduce what you give the 8 yo and rather than an expectation to get things they will have to earn them. Not just chores but respect and good behaviour. This does not apply to the 18yo as he is an adult and should be responsible for his attitude and choices.

Apologies if I have missed this. I have RTFT but have you explained to the. Why things are changing? You mention a few times that you've been asked why you are being "difficult" bit not what your response is.

If they have hist had the situation change with no explanation of why it has done, because their behaviour and expectations have to change etc then it does seem a bit unfair and understandably confusing, especially for the the younger one.

You are doing the right thing but there needs to be a clear background for change.

Presumably the ingredients are still in the fridge if ds1 wanted to cook himself breakfast. As long as it is his money paying for a deliveroo let him get on with it! Bet he does n't bother though. Agree leave the kitchen and find something else to occupy you. You could offer pancakes at weekend if they calm down , but get ds2 to make the batter. Remember most households do not do a full cooked breakfast every day.

Stay strong OP! Remember, you're the boss.

Tell him you're not being difficult, you're treating him like the adult he now is.

Fantastic to hear you so strong in the face of the tears. He's seeing now that his actions have consequences!

If you haven't told them why you've changed, today is a good day to do it - now you've got their attention!

I havent read everything but wanted to add a stay strong :)

Yes, you do need to explain the new regime - reasons and how it's going to be (not just about food, other expectations, limits on screen time as well).

What happens when you go on holiday? Do you do stuff together? Explore, do activities, try new things? Or is it same thing, different place?

Hi OP mum of boys here,

Sounds like the 8yo thrives on the routine at school and boredom setting in. How about you both draw a plan of the week together with times set for everything including screen time & fun stuff you can do together? Include some 'calming' actvities too. Put in family exercise every morning, water play in garden, reading together, some cooking/baking and gardening. Maybe some board/outdoor games too.

Make him 'in charge' of certain chores, maybe writing the shopping list/ watering plants? Mine aren't quite that age yet but I remember my nephew being awkward at that age but it was just him transitioning from little boy to tweenager IYSWIM. So it may be the case that your DS would have been like this without the lockdown anyway. Just sharing the first search result I found online when googling:

"Boys do get hyper-emotional at 8

This stage is called adrenarche and it is prep for the hormonal onslaught that is puberty. Although both boys and girls go through adrenarche, it is more likely to cause emotional upheaval for boys than girls. It could result in more tears, but also more outbursts and aggression."

There is a saying in my culture that the first 7 years of a child's life is play, the second 7 years is where they need guidance & routine and the next 7 years is where you need 'to be their friend'. I try to follow this.

Sorry forgot to add - best of luck!!

Don't cave on the cooking ! I know it's easy to say " Oh I like cooking so it's no trouble" but most people don't have a cook to make them multiple choices at every meal. Even the Queen has cereal for breakfast, and she pours her own !

Can I ask does the 18 yr old work? study?
You need to stop thinking of him as a child needing looked after, you’ve created a useless man child that MN is awash with posts about.
He needs a serious talking to as well, not just the 8 yr old that’s an issue.
My DD14 is self sufficient and I have no worries if I’m at work/out.
You need to get back out to work, presently the ‘boys’ see you purely as a housekeeper, you have no other identity to them, get a job, hobbies, stop revolving your life around them, yes we love our DC but you are a person as well.