I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

I would try to use consequences related to the issue.
With the bagel i probably would have said "Suit yourself", wrapped it back up and not let him eat again til the next meal. Or i would have eaten it myself. I love salmon bagels!

In order to get him outside i would make it a rule that there is no screen time until he has been out for a certain amount of time. So everytime he wants to watch tv, just tell him that he can as soon as he is back from his 1h walk.

And it would be worse, so much worse, if you'd had girls. That is such a martyrish attitude.

Both boys know perfectly well that you're wound up about providing them with what you consider the right, perfect meal. It's no wonder this is such an obvious battle ground. They're playing you.

I agree with PP- he acts this way because he can and you encourage it. No boundaries, no consequences, no rules. He behaves at school because these are present.

Right. You eat yours then.

Let the ungrateful buggers go hungry. It's there if they want it, if not, fine.

Can I come and stay at this hotel?
Choices of salmon, poached eggs, prawn pasta, christ these two horrors have hot you well trained!
Your DS18 isn’t lovely, he’s a useless lump that thinks it’s a woman’s job to serve him, can’t wait until your back in a few years posting about your DIL who has dumped him!
I’m sorry but you really need to stop
the pathetic wee woman attitude, get some hobbies get out the house, they’re more than able to feed themselves.

Further; tomorrow do not cook anything, leave them to it, have a lie in then go out.

OP, do you have hobbies? Do you work or are you furloughed? Do you have friends?

In short, do you have a life that doesn't revolve around your sons?

The 18-year-old needs to do more for himself. I'd be inclined to tell him what you're making for dinner, and ask if he wants some. If the answer is no (with or without whinging about it) then you don't cook him a portion and he can sort out his own dinner. It's not a punishment and you shouldn't treat it as such in your tone - it's just being practical. At that age, trying to make him eat certain meals is infantilising for him and hassle for you.

With the 8-year-old, if there are control issues then offering him a choice of two things (and only two things, both of which you're actually okay with making) could work if you're consistent about it. If he insists on a third thing, then you say okay, if you don't want to pick between the two alternatives then I will. If you don't want to do that, then offer him the meal you've made, and it's up to him how much of it he eats, but it he doesn't eat it and is hungry later, he can only have toast or fruit (or whatever boring alternative you like) not have an entirely new meal made for him.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h I have chose to disregard you, your comments are rude and unhelpful.

@OtterBe4 I rarely have any visitors over, I would love if people came over so I could cook.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better, DS(18) has ate, DS(8) is upstairs I’m not going to encourage him to eat anything, I’ll leave him alone and go and check on him in a few hours.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Not much hobbies, the last time I had a job was over 11 years ago, I’m 38 now. I had to quit because we had a nanny and she stole from us, the whole situation put me off working again.

Since then I have dedicated my whole life to the boys.

Yes I do have some very nice school mum friends, but I wouldn’t dare tell them what I’m going through.

It's great you managed to get out today, by the way. Did you enjoy it? Scooters are great for that age.

"I’ve cooked DS(18) has said that he might have some later, DS(8) has said he is not going to eat it because I didn’t ask what he wanted to eat and why aren’t I letting him choose, I told him it’s either this or nothing else"

Do you mean to say that your eight year old or your 18 year old have been dictating that you have to cook for them for the last few years? This must have been what has been happening if your eight year old is now saying he won't eat because he wasn't consulted. FFS! You are creating two ungrateful monsters who will treat women like maids and sulk if they don't get their own way about everything.....if she doesn't cook what they want she'll be punished.

Disgraceful.

Now wonder the 18 year old is such a cheeky little shit.

Now wonder the 8 year old has turned into a monster.

You have said you are ignoring anyone for being rude to you but your two sons are rude to you everyday and your reaction to that seems to be a pathetic reaction from you whereby they sulk and strop if they don't get to choose about everything they do and choose everything you cook to the extent that they are now brats putting five star hotel type food into the bin because it wasn't quite up to their exacting standards.

You have done this.

You have created these monsters.

The 18 year old needs a kick up the backside and a dose of the real world.

The 8 year old is exhibiting dreadful spoilt brat-like behaviour as a direct result of you actually not doing any parenting at all. Have you ever heard of the word "no"? Try using it on them both. And not giving in. Try taking the screen off the 8 year old. Try only cooking once a day and you have decided what you'll make. Try beans or cheese on toast once in a while.

I am incredulous at the lack of parenting here. It's appalling.

You sound like an abused wife. The fact your 18 year old was so obnoxious, disrespectful and misogynist and you’ve laughed it off as ‘just the way he is’ is terrifying. I’d bet he did it in front of his younger brother too. So he’s learning from his bro that’s how we treat mum and therefore all women.

That's a pity OP. I don't think hearing what you want to hear is going to help you. Sometimes you have to give yourself a talking to to stop yourself onloading your own issues on your kids-we all do. I wish you well. But I don't give you any sympathy as I think you may be addicted to it.

I think this is one of these waste of time threads. You've had a detailed response from a psychologist who deals with this stuff @fuckinghellthisshit and you didn't even do her the courtesy of considering what she said.

Then to The next poster you decided she was rude and suddenly discovered boundaries.

So do I think you are weak, as you say? No I think you are arrogant and inflexible. You are raising two boys who will be utter cunts to their wives and have no intention of doing anything you don't want to.

If you love cooking that much start a business around it fgs. Find a life. Maybe then your kids will respect you and stop treating you like a skivvy.

Anyway it probably wasn't the nanny stealing - it was probably the 8 year old. No wonder you won't tell your school mum friends. It's all just so unhealthy. You could probably use some counselling to find out why you are doing this.

I think you’re getting it rough tonight. You know you’ve no authority with the boys but at least you’re trying. I know a few parents who don’t even try to deal with their monsters.
It’s hard to do a complete u turn and change everything overnight.
Keep trying, keep saying No, stand firm. Your boys won’t starve.
Maybe try explaining to them how you’re feeling and WHY you’ve changed things.
Hopefully you’ll turn a corner soon but don’t let your guard down.

Would it help if you did a timetable so they can see what is happening when? So 1.30 until 2.30 is time for a walk, 2.30 until 5.30 is free time, dinner is at 5.30, and so on.

A menu of what is on offer may work too so they can see what they are going to have rather than being told x is for lunch - maybe they can help you do this so they have input on it, and then they can't say that they weren't consulted.

You've made some small steps, which is great, you just need to set rules in place and stick with them consistently.

Your job isn't just to provide meals, its to give and guide independance to your children so that the grow up to be functioning adults. You are acting like their slaves.

Since my eldest was 10 he has cooked a meal for the whole family weekly, I helped at first but then left him to it.

Both DC have from a young age had chores and been responsible for their own bedrooms and washing. Do you still bath your 8 year old ? Does he have any independence?

I get that you have found or are latching on to this motherly role for some reason but I'm glad you are beginning your actions are what is causing it.

Aw I think some people are being a bit hard on OP. 18 years of parenting in a certain way will take lots of time and effort to change, it won’t just happen like magic after a few strangers type some replies on a thread. If you were teaching your kids to do something and they got it wrong a few times you wouldn’t just lose your shit with them would you? You’d try to get to the bottom of why they‘d got it wrong and then you’d be patient and help them to try again. It is frustrating, there should never EVER have been a bagel on offer this morning, but OP has developed these habits out of a desire to make her boys happy, and some people haven’t got the natural ability to see how acting out of kindness can massively backfire. Not everyone has the confidence to just say ‘ah well, they’ll get over it’ when their kids appear distressed, it takes experience and physically seeing them get over things to build this up. Add to that lack of confidence the fact that OP is clearly worn out and confused by it all, resigned to doing whatever she needs to just for an easy life, and obviously there will be lapses. Keep going OP and just try a few of the PP suggestions at a time. The main thing is to have faith that your kids will not love you any less in the long run if you exercise a bit of tough love, even if they are vile to you in the short term. In fact, they will learn to respect you and probably love you more- not to mention becoming more independent and respectful of other women (future partners etc.). It may even help DS8’s social skills.

@Vodkacranberryplease My 8 year old wasn’t even born when we had a nanny. And I am going to consider counselling because I do need the support.

@Skige I don’t bath him as much I did before, I used to bath him every day. Sometimes he likes to do it himself, but sometimes he will ask if I can bath him (he is very small in size for age 8, he is in age 6 clothing) I don’t mind him bathing him.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Yes, I did enjoy my time outside.

@DHMB20 Thank you, very kind words.

Your 8yo was upstairs at 6.50pm and you're going to check on him in a few hours. How many hours?

My 8yo has a bit of relaxation or family time after dinner (play a game / play outside / maybe a bit of TV but not usually at this time), then upstairs around 7pm for a bath (every other night), bedtime routine, story and lights out by 8pm on a school night, 8.30 during holidays.

When does your 8yo brush his teeth, wash, get changed for bed? Does he have a bedtime story? Most DC love being read to, long after they can read for themselves.

Maybe we're very scheduled and other people are more relaxed but I just cannot imagine leaving an 8yo alone upstairs for hours at bedtime and expecting them to get on with it. It sounds so isolated and lonely for him, so ignored. Bedtime routine seems such a normal, basic part of parenting to me.

Plus, if mine doesn't get to sleep on time we have a tired, stroppy nightmare the next day.

But perhaps tonight os the exception. I realise that. I was responding as if it was your normal.

OP I wonder if the boys have learnt some of their attitude to you from their father? You've hinted that he can be difficult.

And I wonder if they way you respond to your boys is how you used to try and make your ex partner feel loved too.

I think you really need some parenting support and perhaps some counselling too.

Someone upthread recommended watching Supernanny episodes, and I'd second that, or similar programmes. They allow you to sit back and get insight into how other families work/don't work, and sometimes a bit of it can ring home.

In the meantime try and imagine your self as being a little more confident, and then try acting like you feel it even if you don't! Do you have any family who are good supports to you, you've kind of said your mum wasn't a very helpful role model?