My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

[LocalNetter]

My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

I don't know why but this pattern has repeated my entire life so far. At school, in my house-share, at uni, at work.

There will be no argument, no fight, no disagreement. I would have maybe spoken to them once or twice and suddenly they'll be all cold (but some will pretend to be nice to my face) but will gradually stop the ones who do talk to me from talking to me. It will always be those most closest to that girl/woman who will firstly start acting off with me and then eventually most people get converted to that way.

Whilst the others wouldn't necessarily be my bestest friends, I know they'd like me enough to make pleasant talk with me etc and over time they almost start becoming a bully towards me.

Is this how some people bond? By talking about someone else negatively to build their own friendship?

The saddest thing is I would have had no fight or disagreement or done anything remotely unkind to deserve that hate. Fine if she's not interested in being friends with me but to actively dislike me for no reason and turn others against me is horrible. Sometimes, the girls who do this are initially much less liked by others than I am and yet they miraculously turn it around completely.

I'm just sick of being the butt of it for other girls to bond with each other and I don't know why it happens to me every time :( :( I always try and help people, have never been disloyal or even rude, even these girls themselves will often say I'm super nice, etc. - it's almost like that film "mean girls".

Have you seen people treated this way? Do you know what seems to make a particular person a target for this kind of behaviour?

I hate being a victim of this any longer :(

I'm not saying that's the case (although anyone can claim anything over the internet), but the OP should reflect that not being authentic is something that would definitely cause people to distance from her. Most people can smell inauthenticity a mile off.

There is no such thing as a 'Queen.bee', that's entirely down to perception. I've never in 47 years met a queen bee. I haven't, they only exist in the minds of people determined to make a hierarchy happen.

I've met someone who enforces a sort of hierarchy around her, queen bee style. She's actually not too bad, just a bit of a control freak and insecure. But they are nowhere near common enough to meet them everywhere.

Hairy you clearly haven't met that many people. The one I'm thinking of has a little clique with a group of followers trailing vehind her. She will stand around with her arms folded and roll her eyes if I speak to anyone in that group (dog walkers). At least she used to - I ignore them all, pointedly, now.

I wonder why you choose to say that something someone else has experienced doesn't exist? I could give a fuck about hierarchies - I just want to walk my dog and say hello to the people I see in the park regularly. A few other people in there have fallen foul of her too (I've literally said three words to her) and she has spread rumours about them. Immature and really very strange. In my 50+ years I've met a tiny number of these people.

But no doubt you will disagree. 😂😂

Some one mentioned rational emotive behaviour therapy - I’ve also found that very helpful. Brief therapy focusing on the present. I definitely don’t recommend digging endlessly into the past and dwelling on old hurts.

I've met loads of people Vodka, I've certainly met women who whip up a coterie around themselves. It's up to you if you join.

People do like to either reject or accept the hegemony.

You are entirely free to do as you please.

@LocalNetter do you have friends? Where are they from?

I haven't in 47 years met a woman who was so dominant to be called a queen bee socially, I've also never been friends with women who would cluster around such an extraordinarily gravitational force.

My friends tend to be very much their own women, despite the shite that may flow through our lives.

Ok Vodka, maybe I'll reframe that. The woman you're speaking about who has irritated you, wouldn't even have registered with me. Why would she even bother you? It's clearly her problem with the world, not yours.

It's not you, it's her, but if you let people with problems become your problem, then it is you.

Other people aren't you. Ever. As soon as they are. Then they are.

I'm pretty outgoing & chatty but also private & if people over share or are overly keen I back off instantly because I feel uncomfortable & worry my behaviour is giving off the wrong signals. It's not hatred just an emotional reaction.

You come across as a bit emotionally needy OP. It could be that you have been bullied in the past and do want to go out of your way to please people. I don’t think it works. I can relate to a lot of what you have said here, except that I did find some incredibly amazing women (and men!) along the way once I realised that I didn’t need to please everyone and that it is ok for others to make their groups together and exclude me.
Find your tribe and stick to them. They will be your lifetime friends.
I sometimes wonder whether it is pattern that apparently smart and beautiful people actually get addicted to the constant praise they get. That can backfire. So just remember you don’t need everyone.

x posted with @receptacle

No. Experi , smart and beautiful people, I know so many, there are so many.

And I get older, the more I see people as smart and beautiful.

Smarts and beauty become more individual as you understand what they mean.

The only queen bees I've met were at work & they had actual power due to position, people didn't necessarily like them. Same for the men in higher positions.

@vodkacranberryplease I wouldn't see that dog walker as a queen bee, I'd think she was odd.

Receptacle While we're talking about social niceties, it's quite rude to talk about the OP in the third person on a thread where the OP has opened up and asked for help.

ILikeyourHairyHands
I am learning that too. I tend to meet smarter and wiser people as I get older.
But OP is younger still.
Also, in my experience, bullies don’t change if their securities are deep-rooted and somehow irreparable. The more damaged they are, the chances there are of them ever changing. Thankfully, there are very few cases like this. But they are still out there and can cause enough trauma. One fish and all that.

Bloody hell MN has changed! I can't believe it's got to 13 pages and only one person has mentioned being 'Wendied'!

OP: I understand, there have been many past MN threads from other women who've experienced this. It's a thing - where someone is a 'Wendy' in a group. It's not just someone not liking you or being mean, it's very specifically someone arriving in a group and taking a dislike to you and deliberately turning the rest of the group against you too, until you're ousted.

It happened to me too actually. I was in quite a strong group of friends, and then another woman arrived. She and I didn't click and I think she felt threatened by me in some way. She kind of wheedled her way in and tried to exclude me. There was one particularly painful time she organised a surprise birthday lunch for one friend in this group, invited everyone except me, and then someone shared photos of it on facebook.

I don't know what I would advise except to try to ignore the person doing the Wendying, and keep making contact with other friends in the group individually. It could be that you are a bit socially awkward, and that just gives that person ammunition.

Look. Here I am at 47, I feel ok. I don't think I'm loved or reviled because of the way I look. I don't think women hate me. But I like myself.

You're right - apologies for speaking about you in the 3rd person OP.

Although I dont think it's helpful to obsess over old slights, I do think it would be useful for you to consider that your perceptions regarding previous instances of this might be a bit skewiff.

I was adding people from my course on facebook to befriend and get to know them a bit before we started our course. I had not met any of them before. Most accepted friend requests except one - I thought nothing of it but noticed that girl accepted everyone else's friend request.

You tried to add everyone on your course as a friend before you'd met them, and then took it negatively when one declined. If you'd tried to add me I would have declined too tbh. I don't add people I don't know on FB.

Given that she'd never met you, the chances of this indicating 'hate' on her part, or the beginning of a vendetta, are pretty much non existent. The fact that she accepted requests from others is more likely to indicate that she actually knows them (maybe met at a freshers event?).

When uni begun, she ignored me, formed her own cliques and all her clique members who were neutral or friendly with me gradually started giving me the cold shoulder for no reason.

She formed her own friendship group, and didn't really talk to people outside that group. She's highly unlikely to be responsible for her friends distancing themselves if she's barely spoken to you! Again, I'm struggling to see what's wrong with this. It's normal to form groups at uni.

She'd have parties and not invite me and all sorts. Yet, me and her have barely spoken beyond small talk.

Going on the facts here, this girl barely knew you and had barely spoken to you. If that was the case, why would she invite you to parties? When I was at uni I invited my friend group to parties, not the whole course.

You have built this girl (and others) up into something enormous in your head, and it looks like this is on the basis that she didnt accept an initial FB request (when she'd never met you!). But from the facts presented, it sounds as though you just weren't part of her friendship group. She didn't hate you, you just weren't her cup of tea, for whatever reason.

Uni isn't school. People form friendship groups based on all sorts of common interests etc and there is no expectation that 'the whole class' gets invited to parties.

Can you see that obsessing over something like this might be leading you to perceive things that aren't there?

Also: I thought nothing of it but noticed that girl accepted everyone else's friend request

You "thought nothing of it" but stalked her profile in response to the imagined slight of her not accepting you. The fact that you thought quite a lot about it is clear, and I would imagine your resentment was obvious to her when the girl did meet you.

As said upthread, people who read a conspiracy or 'hatred' into every interaction are bloody hard work. No one wants to deal with that.

It's the pecking order OP. Every group of animals does it. Being nice all the time won't help you. Why do you care so much whether people like you?

Broken down like that Receptacle, it is a bit weird.

These people don't even think about you OP. They're not rejecting you, or being horrible. You just don't register.

Make friends with people who are interested in you and with whom you're interested. Stop obsessing about every person you meet.

These people don't even think about you OP. They're not rejecting you, or being horrible. You just don't register.

That's precisely it.

It's flattering, in a way, to convince yourself that other people are hugely invested in your life, to the extent that they conduct some sort of campaign against you. But in the majority of cases it simply isn't true. Most people are just doing their thing, and they aren't going to invite everyone they ever meet to parties.

Do the things you enjoy, and meet people you have things in common with by doing so. That is far more likely to result in genuine friendship than scattergunning everyone you meet with 'niceness' and being resentful if they're aren't friendly as a result.

Thanks but they said at uni, feel free to get acquainted with your course buddies before freshers and so gave us names of all people who will be on the course. A lot of people she accepted on fb were from other countries and the other side of the country so it’s highly unlikely she’d met all of them (this was pre-freshers). It wasn’t just me being weird and adding everyone. Back then, Facebook had a ticker system where I saw all the other people who had added me were becoming fb friends with her on the rolling side panel without actively searching for it. I didn’t have to go hunting for that info. I honestly just thought she doesn’t use her fb or whatever until I saw that.

I meant she’d invite everyone on our course, except me etc. Like I’ve said before, if it’s a gathering of a few of her friends, it doesn’t matter but when everyone gets invited except me, that’s of course going to be hurtful and I don’t think too much to expect.

Yeah I think I’ve lived with the logic that if I am nice to someone else, they’d be nice back to me (not necessarily friends but polite and civil) and if they’re not, I just need to almost convince them of my niceness but it’s clear now that in every situation that has only made things worse. I just find it very difficult to empathise with that thought process.

I don’t find it flattering at all lol it’s a horrible feeling thinking a number of people get some sort of satisfaction in making you feel unwelcome, left out etc