My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

[LocalNetter]

My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

I don't know why but this pattern has repeated my entire life so far. At school, in my house-share, at uni, at work.

There will be no argument, no fight, no disagreement. I would have maybe spoken to them once or twice and suddenly they'll be all cold (but some will pretend to be nice to my face) but will gradually stop the ones who do talk to me from talking to me. It will always be those most closest to that girl/woman who will firstly start acting off with me and then eventually most people get converted to that way.

Whilst the others wouldn't necessarily be my bestest friends, I know they'd like me enough to make pleasant talk with me etc and over time they almost start becoming a bully towards me.

Is this how some people bond? By talking about someone else negatively to build their own friendship?

The saddest thing is I would have had no fight or disagreement or done anything remotely unkind to deserve that hate. Fine if she's not interested in being friends with me but to actively dislike me for no reason and turn others against me is horrible. Sometimes, the girls who do this are initially much less liked by others than I am and yet they miraculously turn it around completely.

I'm just sick of being the butt of it for other girls to bond with each other and I don't know why it happens to me every time :( :( I always try and help people, have never been disloyal or even rude, even these girls themselves will often say I'm super nice, etc. - it's almost like that film "mean girls".

Have you seen people treated this way? Do you know what seems to make a particular person a target for this kind of behaviour?

I hate being a victim of this any longer :(

@WhyDoWendiesWendy ah if only the whole word thought like you :)
I agree it is bullying to constantly leave one person out. Yes someone can go with their close friend to e.g get a drink etc or even a small group but to invite every person in the department except one person is just downright cruel. I’d get if I was violent, a drunk etc. But I’m not. No matter how socially awkward someone is, it’s cruel to omit only them out.

I really admire the people I’ve seen at work who really bind the group and ensure everyone is included.

Then repeated that behaviour with the next 2 ladies that I danced next to. In a party of over 50 people. It was intense and weird,

Hmm I am really struggling to believe a grown woman spent an entire party dragging people away from you. Obviously this is the Internet so we won't ever know if you are telling the full truth or not but this just seems a bit too ridiculous to me. But if its true than maybe consider what you may have said to this woman that rubbed her the wrong way. If it was a one off than yeah I'd say you were victim to awful bullying but this is always happening to you so you really need to look inwards

@WhyDoWendiesWendy what hypnosis audios would you recommend?

@localnetter, sometimes as well, people with no strong sense of themself will define themself by what the group is not.

So if you're not fashionable, not in to going to gigs and that's WHO THEY ARE then they will push somebody out of a group because the group is out they define who they are.

My wendy1 if I can call her that, she was young and I'm 50 now (although this is a few years ago). She wanted to consolidate a really tight group of young people who did everything together, and so she didn't want to risk a group of funny people of mixed ages. Because that would have meant that her inclusion wasn't obvious. She was very nice to a few older people who were men, well-liked, managers, handsome, single.... You get the picture I was like chopped liver to her and I'd go so far as to say that it mystified her and angered her even that i had friendships with the people she was trying to urinate around.

Good luck op.

@LocalNetter have you joined in though since they are discussing it in front of you or invited a group to lunch?

I think the truth is a bit of a mixture of all of this. Women do and can behave like this - I've had it a few times (a handful) usually by a would be queen bee who looks not dissimilar to me but who could conceivably be jealous. The two I'm thinking of actively made it impossible to even speak to me in their presence. One tried to 'steal' my (male) work friend (we collaborated on some stuff together.) he didn't go for it and he told me. In the end I got severely depressed because she fucked up my whole work life and left the industry. Of course after everyone told me they wish I hadn't left - one said at a party 'but you're so nice! I hadn't realised'. Yeah you didn't realise because you didn't even fucking give me a chance. I used to see the cow watching me all the time and the second I'd talk to someone she would go over straight after. It was just weird.
Another one was shagging the boss and got it into her head I wanted to (as if) so made up a tissue of lies and he fired me. I found out after he really regretted it, and realised he had been sucked in.
It's not that common and it doesn't happen to everyone. Some people just have the upbringing and/or social skills to never see this. Some don't.
But is it EVER ok to do this to someone just because they might be a little different ftom you? We cut men so much slack but women have to be exactly perfect.
So OP it might be partly because you're not exactly the same as other women and it might be that you never will but it will get better.
You've had a lot of shit for various comments and been ripped apart for not much reason yet seem relatively unfazed and more interested in getting to the bottom of it - good for you.
The therspy someone mentioned was (I think) rational emotional therapy. Don't, whatever you do, go into psychodynamic therapy. You'll be there forever, learn nothing and feel worse.
We aren't all the same, and some people simply can't cope with that. Especially not in a woman.
Try not to take some of the nastiness here to heart. There's some good advice too - basically be off hand until someone has proved themself. Try too hard and some people dislike you for it. Stick your head above the parapet or be too clever in the wrong way ditto.
So next time someone starts immediately start obviously ignoring them. A breezy hi without waiting for an answer. Look through them. Talk over them. Call them on their shit. But don't smile
And pretend it's not happening because that empowers them.

OP, I feel for you. I have a few times encountered intense hostility for no apparent reason, though luckily this didn’t infect the other people in our group (workplace, flatshare or social group).

I think some people have an instinct for knowing who they can hurt, and hurting them. It has always been when I was vulnerable for some reason: working abroad, or lonely or struggling in some way.

I don’t know the whole answer. Counselling can help but not always - it really depends on the counsellor, and some can make matters worse. CBT is what I’ve found most helpful, but I did once have a useless counsellor, so don’t give up if it doesn’t work first time.

Best of luck.

I agree. Even if that woman was a bully, she hasn't done very well out of it given that everyone dropped her. Does focusing on past slights and hurts help you make friends?

Focusing on yourself and what makes you happy is what helps make friends. What do you enjoy doing? What makes you tick?

@LocalNetter so every-time she invites everyone to lunch & the only person she excludes you? Why is everyone else so passive? Do you have any friends at work? What about her boss?

Well, when I knew I had to face it the next day at work and I didn't want it to shrink me down to nothing (so she'd have won)
I'd listen to this

If you can't fall asleep with this on quietly in the background, try binaural beats. Search binaural beats for confidence and happiness.

If you go in to work with your head held high, it will make others comfortable around you. It helps you retain yourself. Not shrink.

God the projection on this thread!

OP, if I met someone like the woman you've described I'd assume she was a little awkward and odd, and not give it much more thought than that. You meet all kinds of people in life and you really don't need to focus on it as much as you are.

In terms of making lasting friendships, have you developed interests and things your good at since leaving school? Apart from helping you make friends, it would be good for your self esteem and give you something else to focus on. Do you take an interest in the world around you, and in other people? If not, this would be a good place to start, as it will give you something to talk about and bond over with people you meet, instead of zoning in on people's looks and perceived issues with you.

@vodkacranberryplease
Aw I’m sorry to hear that. Those two incidences if yours seemed to have very tough and unfair endings for you. It’s comforting to know there’s been plenty of women on here who the same has happened to. Thanks for the name suggestions for the therapy.

It is an odd thing with human nature that over eagerness to be kind or over friendliness can be a reason someone can hate you. If I met someone like that, I wouldn’t guarantee I would be their friend but I know for sure I’d feel sorry/sympathy for them being so needy for friends and be especially kind to them. Hate would not be the emotion I’d feel. You are right though - I’ve noticed subtly the more I pander to making someone feel welcomed, the more I get excluded and trodden on

Innit Grumpy

@WhyDoWendiesWendy thank you ! :)

Shame lockdown means no therapy access at the moment and the cost is often horrendous like 60-100 quid an hour :(

Also, book recommendation, Aristotle's way by Edith Hall, got me in to philosophy for living which is really helpful in these situations where you want to hold on to yourself and not descend in to revenge fantasies. There are loads of clips on youtube. Just ''design'' the person you're striving to be. The person you wish would step forward and do the right thing. What values would make that person be more than a bystander? These questions helped me think about who I wanted to be, and then just crack on with it. Also, I worked on improving my relationship with my teenager. She is the most valuable person to me anyway, so anything that makes us closer is worth a million tea room chat bants ykwim?

I also follow a few youtubers like stephanie lynn coaching and julia krystyna who have great clips about emotional resilience.

I worked on that too. I spent hours polyfilla-ing the chinks listening to all of these clips.

I think they work though. You have to do the work as oprah says, but the second time this happened to me, I dealt with it better than the first time it happened to me, and I would like to think that it won't happen to me a third time! But if it does, I'll be strong enough to let it slide off me. I won't need to do hours of hypnosis to make sure that my personality isn't shrinking to nothing around 'her'. It will be a her.

I say that, loving women. I do love women. I have good relationships with 95% of women and this fucking carry on is not normal. I blame the patriarchy for making some women so passive aggressive. They have a scarcity mindset instead of an abundance mindset.

OK, better go to sleep now!

Buenas noches y good luck

Sorry/sympathy for the desperate Local, I do think you may have over-egged the pudding there.

People don't hate friendly people.

@LocalNetter you seem to not think of people as people... they don’t want your admiration/pity/whatever. You seem to be defining how someone reacts to you to how you “act” toward them - rather than how you are. I like some friends/colleagues because they are funny, some because they are mind, some I just like because they are a grump,,, your view of people seems shallow and maybe people pick up on that.

over eagerness to be kind or over friendliness can be a reason someone can hate you

No, you don't get it. Over eagerness makes people feel uncomfortable, for a whole host of reasons. They don't know you yet, they don't know if they can trust you, they may be in a new social setting and haven't yet found their feet etc....

It's not 'hate' in most cases. It's simply that people will avoid people who make them feel uncomfortable.

the more I pander to making someone feel welcomed

Pandering? If there's someone new at my work, I'll say to them "we're heading to the canteen at 12.30, if you'd like to join" and I'll introduce them to anyone whose name they don't know. Is that pandering? It doesn't normally lead to us being BFFs forever, but it's also never made anyone 'hate' me. There is something missing in your analysis here - please talk to someone in real life as you need to work it out.

I agree with your analysis @Grumpylockeddownwoman but OP isn't responding to those of us who suggest what you have. She is only interested in the comments that praise her and put down all the other women.

@Vodkacranberryplease I agree with you, I think women who have that confidence innately, who had inner status from the GET GO and weren't socialised in to being people pleasers, they don't get this. How could they. It hasn't happened to them.
I have had to work on inner status if you like. I don't know what to call it. But when you haven't got it, the passive aggressive bullies will sniff you out and use you to make themselves feel better. Obviously they don't do that shit on confident women with great boundaries..

@greatexoectations I know - it’s sad really as without change - nothing will change with her relationships with others

Honestly Local, your last post reads like either a piss-taking wanker or someone with so little self-awareness it's untrue.

I’d feel sorry/sympathy for them being so needy for friends and be especially kind to them

Hate would not be the emotion I'd feel

That's a terrible way to think. It's very stilted.

You're not sounding authentic OP. So you're either not authentic or you're unable to express yourself in an authentic way.

You're not sounding authentic OP. So you're either not authentic or you're unable to express yourself in an authentic way.

^ This.

To the extent that I wondered whether OP was a man who just wanted to see a group of women bitching about how awful and jealous women are.

Greytexpectations I think you are being unfair and a little cruel. This kind of thing does sometimes happen and sometimes for not very good reasons. I get that you are unable to empathise with the op but in that case maybe better to avoid the thread?

And for people saying that being friendly doesn't make people hate you., well, erm, obviously it doesn't. No one said it or even implied that. Being friendly to someone who already has decided they don't like you will not improve things. But that was obviously what was meant. Or are we all on the g and t now and didn't quite realise that?

And thanks Wendy! Interesting posts! I'd be lost without my female friends but equally judgemental bitches do definitely exist. An ex friend (narcissistic as in npd) showed me that there are some pretty pathetic games being played out there. We are all different and I don't think that deciding someone is wrong because they aren't just like you and deciding it's ok to just say whatever you want cause it's online is a bit shit. IMHO. 😉