My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

[LocalNetter]

My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

I don't know why but this pattern has repeated my entire life so far. At school, in my house-share, at uni, at work.

There will be no argument, no fight, no disagreement. I would have maybe spoken to them once or twice and suddenly they'll be all cold (but some will pretend to be nice to my face) but will gradually stop the ones who do talk to me from talking to me. It will always be those most closest to that girl/woman who will firstly start acting off with me and then eventually most people get converted to that way.

Whilst the others wouldn't necessarily be my bestest friends, I know they'd like me enough to make pleasant talk with me etc and over time they almost start becoming a bully towards me.

Is this how some people bond? By talking about someone else negatively to build their own friendship?

The saddest thing is I would have had no fight or disagreement or done anything remotely unkind to deserve that hate. Fine if she's not interested in being friends with me but to actively dislike me for no reason and turn others against me is horrible. Sometimes, the girls who do this are initially much less liked by others than I am and yet they miraculously turn it around completely.

I'm just sick of being the butt of it for other girls to bond with each other and I don't know why it happens to me every time :( :( I always try and help people, have never been disloyal or even rude, even these girls themselves will often say I'm super nice, etc. - it's almost like that film "mean girls".

Have you seen people treated this way? Do you know what seems to make a particular person a target for this kind of behaviour?

I hate being a victim of this any longer :(

This has happened to me once in my life and it was really horrible so I'm sorry you've experienced this several times, the time it happened to me I was an adult and I know that it was nothing I did, and completely on the other person - I've since found out that she does this to many people and has done her whole life, other people who were in that circle and weren't swayed by this woman turning against me were equally as confused about what she had against me.

Maybe you've just been unlucky and encountered multiple people with this personality type?

You know the women (not 'girl') at your work didn't actually do anything wrong. She joined. She then tried to establish a circle of friends which didn't include you (which might be hurtful to you, but doesn't make her a bully). She appears to have been overbearing with everybody (not just you) and annoyed a fair few people in the process. As a result, the group of friends she tried to establish don't want to hang around with her any more.

Can you point out where you were a victim of jealous bullying in this? Because I can't see it.

all the people she chose to be in her inner circle turned against her quite publically (she was very loud, had an opinion about everything and thought everyone wanted to hear it even when not asked for and would often disagree with people about things that don’t matter e.g if someone said they liked tea, she’d pipe in with the fact she can’t stand tea and much prefers coffee and lists the reasons why despite no one asking.)

This 'dragging people away by the hand' wasn't there in your earlier description. And - these are adults yes? An adult does not have to let themselves be dragged away. If they went, it's because they chose to go.

A lot of social skills are about reading the environment & people.

It's interesting h

h has

sorry lost the battle with my toddler!

It's interesting how people perceive things differently, I didn't see Lucie as a poor victim at all. I felt sorry for her as she was clearly lost but I found her frustrating & very dull. She never seemed to get over the fact Tommy didn't pick her & I think a lot of her tears were over that. I thought Molly behaved really well & showed lots of maturity.

Being pretty is not a replacement for personality & not liking someone who happens to be pretty doesn't mean you're jealous of their looks.

To me, the OP describing herself objectively, eg “big eyes,” for other people to draw their own conclusions, rather than saying, “Yes I’m pretty,” is her trying to avoid being vain.

But she’s getting as much stick as if she’d said, “Actually I’m bloody gorgeous”.

Bitching and spreading false rumors is one thing, but physical abuse? Doesn't that going to get her arrested?

No, the OP said she was "a 9".

Which I think is a very strange way for anyone to describe themselves.

You remind me of a very damaged twelve year old OP. Have you ever sought out therapy because I think you would benefit from it.

Also, worth making the point that it's not so much that the OP's description of herself is "vain", but more that it was just downright ...odd.

It was very #menwhowritewomen indeed. Very weird. It wasn't indicative of someone who is clued up when it comes to normal social interaction with other women.

From your posts on this thread, OP, I’d say you are:

-very defensive
-unwilling to reflect honestly on your own behaviour
-quick to see a conspiracy or a narrative that may not exist
-expending too much energy doing other people’s thinking for them
-somewhat full of yourself

It’s not healthy. Yes, there are bullies out there. there are lots of people who won’t want to be your particular friend, but that’s okay. I agree with pp that some therapy would benefit you massively and give you the chance to break this cycle and make some good friends. Short term pain for long term gain.

I actually think the op is just being a goady fucker.

This comment:

usually it's the runt of the litter type girls who do this (mean way to put it but someone who seems so unremarkable at first glance)

Focussing on women's looks.

Only responding to posters who tell her what she wants to hear I.E. they're jealous of your looks/brain.

Not responding to anyone who says (sensibly) ignore game players or call them out on it, and find more genuine friends.

OP it seems your ego and love of drama are stopping you find genuine friendships. Good luck in the future, I wouldn't want to be your friend, but I wouldn't play your weird queen bee games either.

I have a friend who has a similar issue, but to be honest she's hard work. She was bullied at school and her parents thought it was kind to tell her people were jealous of her. From what I've seen, she interprets any kind of indifference or lack of special treatment as bullying and jealousy. Only when it happens to her, however, she never once considers that person A who is "blanking her" hasn't spoken to me either, for example. That maybe she's just thinking about someone or something else. She tries really hard, it comes from a good place but with this kind of insecure mixed in, it's tiring.

The truth is that people who think they take up more time and energy in your thoughts than they really do, are wearing. It can be hard to put your finger on it at first, but you start to feel they are being nice, just so you think they're nice, not because they like you. In all your examples, you never talk about the reason you liked these people, no "we had such a laugh, we had loads in common..." it's all "I was nice to them."

I would try and make a real effort to get to know people, for them, instead of trying to make an impression on them, if that makes sense. The liking will come gradually and be longer lasting.

Best of luck

The truth is that people who think they take up more time and energy in your thoughts than they really do, are wearing.

This rings very true. It took me a long time to realise that everyone I knew wasn't secretly judging every single thing I did, they were far too busy thinking about their own lives.

If this keeps happening to you, you need to evaluate yourself impartially. Undertake a 360 review and ask your trusted friends / colleagues / families to review your strengths and weaknesses and you may find the answer. Whatever it is it’s definitely in you - all the people who chose to break ties with you or not be friendly can’t be wrong.

I never bought into the 'women hate me because they're jealous' narrative. There's always going to be someone that doesn't like you, for whatever reason, there's always been women that haven't liked me in various settings, I could have put that down to jealousy of my preternatural loveliness or my lively mind, but it's really because I'm probably a bit of a dick sometimes and have a personality that's not to everyone's taste. And that's fine. I've just accepted that I rub some people up the wrong way.

But I also have lots of friends who do like me, probably for similar reasons. Not everyone has to like you, just enough.

You do remind me of a girl from school though, who was utterly convinced that she was disliked because she was too pretty and clever. She was a perfectly pretty and clever person, but the reason people swerved her was because despite being pretty and clever she was incredibly boring, because all she'd talk about was how terrible it was to be pretty and clever.

I had and have much better looking and more intelligent friends who were friends because they were interesting people, people like interesting people. People tend to not have much time for people with superiority complexes because there's nothing in it for them.

Looking back, I see it probably stems from insecurity, a fear that you don't really have much to offer, so are reacting to the world in a negative way. Subjectively, others can see that you have things going for you but you're behaving in a way that's causing a sort of negative feed-back loop, and then an internal narrative springs up that people don't like you because they're jealous. When they really don't like you because you're making yourself unlikable through defense mechanisms that you think are protecting you.

Women aren't bitches. Women don't on the whole hate other women. Women don't like women that they sense a prickly disdain from though.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable
Biased how you pick apart that I said I'm a "9" despite in the very same sentence I also said I was 2. Also, funny how you pick on the fact I listed by positive attributes yet omit the fact I listed my negative physical attributes too. Clearly the balanced description of what I am (both based on looking in the mirror and what I've been told) isn't acceptable to you. I'm sure if I'd have said "Yeah I'm pretty" that would have also been unacceptable and big headed of me. So what is the only acceptable answer to you when asked whether I'm pretty or not? "Oh I'm really ugly.."?

I did NOT write about my looks in the opening message of this thread. I ANSWERED a question posed to me by a person who had read the thread. I have no idea why you're talking this as a personal insult. To think everyone must answer a question in the exact same way you would is absurd.

@TinklyLittleLaugh Thank you. I'm glad they are some kind hearted reasonable and intelligent people on here that understood the intention behind my words.

@LetsSplashMummy thanks for your comment too - I know what you mean. It must be so liberating to realise that most people don't care about you/judge you as much as you think they are. I think that holds true with 99% of people I meet but the 1% who set out to make someone's life tough get some sort of weird sense of success from it from what I can gather (their motivation must be coming from somehwere).

@ILikeyourHairyHands I see what you mean about the defense mechanism but I think it is a little unfair that I am seen as being superior based on answering a few questions from other posters who said they've experienced similar due to jealousy. If you look at my opening post, do you see anywhere where I claim I am clever or beautiful, etc. and that must be the cause for this. This thread is the first time in my life I've even been called superior to be honest. Every feedback report I get, it says I need to improve my self esteem, need to be more confident, not to constantly behave as if I'm inferior - that's from friends, teachers, employers, family, etc. I have social anxiety and stutter when I talk - hardly a sign of someone superior.

I know I am very likely behaving in a way that attracts this kind of situation towards me - possibly poor boundaries, being a bit of a people pleaser, too intense, etc. but I highly doubt it's superiority as that's one thing I've never been referred to as.

It would like a poster asking me how many km had I ridden on my bike in 1 go? And me answering "200km" and then everyone slating me for showing off when I was simply answering 2 questions as objectively as I can (looks - physical description of my features - both good and bad), academic intelligence (via mentioning my grades)

localnetter do you take on board any of the comments about how you describe other women? Because 'prickly disdain' is spot on and Ilikeyourhairyhands is right about people picking up on that.

I can only agree with others that some very frank therapy might be useful.

This thread has turned into a soap opera script, OP wants sympathy but won’t address the issues causing her problem, which is her.

I have a theory on this. Going to read back and then share.

I have social anxiety... ...possibly poor boundaries, being a bit of a people pleaser, too intense, etc.

This is the most frank post you've made, and far more likely to be the issue than jealousy.

Poor boundaries is certainly something that can scare people off. I don't know how you can learn to be socially aware and pick up on social cues, but it will be possible. EQ is just as important as IQ. More so in fact.