What would put you off becoming close friends with another woman?

[JungleRaisin]

I’ve never been able to manage to have a close friendship with another woman. Not in primary school, high school, sixth form, uni, or work.

They always see ‘be yourself’ but that clearly isn’t working for me. Makes me sad thinking I’m always going to have to put on a fake persona of normality if I am ever to make any female friends :(. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing wrong,

Please tell me your pet peeves in other women during the first convos that would put you off pursuing a close friendship with them? It seems faulty universal among women so any pounders would help.

I don’t massively struggle with getting male friends but I guess they don’t spot the social faux pas as much as women do.

I’m described as chatty, witty, always friendly, too nice (I.e everyone thinks I’d never lose my temper) but also a little cold so if I’ve any real bad traits, people clearly aren’t telling me about them. I think I am fairly intense and ask a lot of questions about someone’s life even on day 1 but also over-share about myself a bit.

Any tips?

Sorry to derail but there’s fashion and there’s fashion though isn’t there. There’s fashion as culture and psychology, as a driver of and a mirror of social behaviour and race, class, sex and gender, power relationships expectations, which makes it a phenomenon ripe for analysis if you’re interested in that. Fashion (streetwear as well as couture) can also be an expressive artIstic form just like art, music and architecture and many other things besides.
I couldn’t give a crap about wearing stuff that’s trendy and wouldn’t know what is trendy these days, so I really don’t prescribe or notice what clothes others people should be into, but when I can see that someone really knows and thinks deeply about fashion or (architecture, gardening, history, science, politics, a craft, social media, their voluntary work, some subculture or another culture I am not familiar with) I bloody love it and would love to talk about that with them!
Some of the most interesting conversations about clothes I have ever had were with people who work in fashion. they discussed it from both a social scientific and art historical perspective and were very interesting about the business and marketing side of too, was honestly fascinating.

@SweetPetrichor i use makeup when i go outside, not confident without ! But i certainly cant be friends with ppl who talk makeup or fashion, i've been using the same makeup brands forever and will have nothing to add...

Putting mskeup on doesnt necessitate talking about it

@HannaH021 I guess that's true...I just feel like I'm going to be judged by makeup wearing women cause I don't wear it...so I steer well clear! I don't doubt that I could make myself look more fresh faced with some makeup but it's just not something I can be bothered with, so I tend to assume that other women are looking at me and thinking I'm lazy! Haha

@HandInGove I don't think it's needy to check if it's ok to chat. People have busy lives so it's polite.

HandInGove I too had an unhappy childhood and feel the same anxiety about imposing on people, hate asking for favours and being seen as a nuisance !

A problem I find is that in my profession I just don't come into contact with that many women around my age (early 50s). Vast majority are late 20s to mid 30s and they just gravitate towards each other because they have the same reference points.

Obvious makeup is something that puts me off someone - partly cause it's just so different in outlook to myself who wears none.

I think that’s really sad. Lots of women wear makeup and never talk about it. I don’t judge anyone based on whether they wear makeup or not. The only thing that may make me avoid someone that’s based on physical upkeep would be obvious body odour or other obvious poor hygiene. I can’t imagine cutting someone off as a person simply because they chose to put stuff on their face or not. It’s hardly a life philosophy and part of someone’s core values!

@NameChange84 I thought the same about the poster who said they’d steer clear of someone wearing a lot of makeup - that it’s a bit of an odd thing to categorise people on but I think perhaps she meant she feels like they’d judge her for not wearing any rather than the other way around (they probably wouldn’t but were are our own first enemies lol)

@JungleRaisin a pp mentioned reading about Aspergers. I've been doing a lot of reading about it recently as I'm waiting for diagnosis. I recognise some of myself in your posts. Might be worth looking into?

I wouldn't want to be friends with another woman if she thought it was sport to take someone else's partner, if she was bitchy about people's clothes or looks etc, if she lied alot, if she wanted to talk about her own problems only and wasnt interested in mine, if her kids were horrible I would still be friends with her but would avoid activities with our kids.

@JungleRaisin Yeah, I get that but I was trying to reassure her that many of us don’t judge whether someone is wearing makeup or not.

'If they talk 'at' me about themselves constantly and don't let me get a single word in.'
Oooo I know acouple like this

'Obvious makeup is something that puts me off someone - partly cause it's just so different in outlook to myself who wears none.'.

That's kind of sad as you could be writing off a nice person who you have other things in common with.

Thanks everyone so far.
So weird though that the most popular girls I’ve seen are ones who complain/bitch about people behind their backs (it almost seems a way to make friends from what I’ve seen). I’ve never been able to bitch behind people’s back so I think I come across a bit too vanilla.

Also, a lot of people who go into ‘me, me, me’ monologues constantly seem far more popular than the quiet/mid range people who listen more than they talk.

I'm sorry op you're having difficulty and if it helps at all i do thing good friends are hard to find. I would be your friend, you sound nice and as a pp says it is chemistry. You maybe have just maybe not found the right friends!

or think!*

Sorry about the typos, my toddler was jumping on me as I was typing...I'll get my coat

Racist comments.
Rape apologists.
‘I’m not a feminist, I like men.’
Subtle putdowns.
Not-so-subtle putdowns ‘I’m only teasing!’

Thanks @Yesterdayforgotten :)

@Pinkarsedfly ‘rape apologists’..??

Since losing touch with the female friends I had at school, I've struggled to make new ones in places I've worked etc. I've made male friends much easier, but would prefer some nice female friends. I just never seem to be included. It doesn't bother me massively but I don't know why it is. I had more success online. I joined an online book group and made female friends there, but not ones I can meet up with easily or anything due to where we live. I'm not sure of the answer.

I find that it depends on where I meet people.

For example, I often struggle to make friends at work because I don't have much in common with many of my colleagues and lunch topics seem to focus on which pop up bar people have been to, what's being watched on TV/Netflix, and bitching about the job. I'm not interested in TV box sets or drinking and have no interest in complaining about my job day in day out.

I find friendships that revolve around chatting, going for coffee or lunch to end up quite shallow or forced, but if I find someone with a shared interest and we can go and do that interest then the friendship develops more organically.

I can't help reading this thread and thinking wow, there is so much judgement, so many hurdles to jump, rules to guess at and follow with many people, it's no wonder people end up feeling isolated and lonely, and rejected without a clue what they've done wrong.

The one tale away is perhaps, if someone gives you the cold shoulder it's far more likely to have something to do with their gaming and rules, than you. I realise that's not helpful for you finding friends OP but it does suggest you literally have to keep going until you find people you gel with who haven't put as many walls up. Find people who don't expect you to tick each of their criteria before they will spend time with you.

*take away
And
*framing not gaming
Bloody auto correct

rape apologists’..??

Yep. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve heard, ‘Well, if you go out with everything hanging out and get drunk what do you expect?’ coming out of a woman’s mouth.

Straight off the Christmas card list.