Jilly Coopr character Lockdown competition thread

[BalloonSlayer]

The most successful thread I ever started was about wanting to be a Jilly Cooper character.

Since lockdown, this has started to feel more achievable. See my scores below:

• Cut my own fringe: 3 points (scissors hadn't just been used to cut bacon first, deduct one point)

• car is Absolutely Filthy: 3 points (not a golf, mini or Porsche so as no other cars exist in Jillyworld, deduct one point.)

• "old trousers and a shrunk t shirt made her bum and boobs look huge," yeah whole three points for this one

• anthropomorphising my pets like crazy. No he wasn't showing how much he loves you, he wanted his dinner! 3 points.

• Smell of wild garlic making me miss going out to restaurants : 3 points. (Not sure if that is wild garlic or something else actually, deduct one point.)

So that's 12/15 for me. How is everyone else doing?

Life is so boring and unfair out here in the country there’s no second post and no Evening Standard. My clumpy boots get all muddy and even though she’s older than me I have to help my sister read her recipe books as she’s trying to start a cooking business. The only consolation is shagging the local rich boy.

AIBU to learn the viola so I can leave this family and book, change my name but keep all my other characteristics and end up in a different book shagging a conductor and then marrying a much older gazillionnaire from Yorkshire.

Caitlin

But you'd be advised to stay away from the conductor!

Flora was totally Caitlin with a name-change!

Oh my god, in my head, Caitlin, Flora, Fenella and Perdita are all the same person!

I need to get all the books and read them again.

And who in their right mind gives half their kit-kat to their labrador? I’m not even talking about chocolate being poisonous to dogs. Who has that much self-discipline not to eat the whole thing themselves?

Or is that Jilly wishing she was that restrained herself?

Flora didn’t even play the viola initially. In TMWMHJ she was a singer. Then in Appassionata it says she took up the viola after the Rannaldini episode. So we’re meant to believe that within 2/3 years she’s gone from nothing to being good enough to get into music school/the orchestra. I know that if you already play an instrument it’s easier to pick up another, but I just don’t believe anyone could get that good that soon, especially as there’s no mention of her playing any instruments at all in TMWMHJ (I don’t think there is anyway!).

Chatons Jilly definitely has a well-worn blueprint for her feisty, talented, beautiful but inclined to be grungy teenage girls.

I felt rather inadequate reading about them. But fiction is fantasy after all!

Yes, I was more in the fat Sharon mould as a teenager (though without the rich parents).

Poor fat Sharon!

Poor purple-sprouting Brocklehurst!

I’m young, pretty, funny and a bit quirky.

My boyfriend is strange. We met at a party in Chelsea. He almost raped me early on, and now he barely touches me.

We’ve come up to his family home (big, old, a bit shabby) in the Lake District.

I think my boyfriend is in love with his brother’s wife. She looks a little like me (more beautiful I think), but is unhappy and struggles with her weight.

Their mother is marvellously eccentric and gets up to all manner of naughty business, but in an adorable, glamorous way.

There’s another, older brother, whose wife died. He doesn’t approve of me at all. Gosh, those shoulders though.

I stay here longer than intended, due to illness. It snows. I organise a birthday party for my boyfriend’s niece.

Who am I? Guess who I’m going to marry?

Dear Prudence, actually she’s the one I’d like to be, I think.

And lovely clever Ace.

Yes! She’s the one I’d most like to be, too.

Jilly definitely restrains herself when it comes to chocolate

Help!

I’ve been invited on holiday to St Tropez with some thin bitchy girls and my boyfriend, who I think intends to have his way with me. I’m a virgin, obviously. My hair is a bit of a state and I’m too fat to be seen in a bikini but I really fancy him. Shall I go or not? Do they have hairdressers there?

I've always tried to be the best mum I can be, I've cooked, cleaned, supported his hobbies, been loving, kind and all round martyr... but my grown son is sullen, slightly sinister, into toxic relationships and has an awful Brummy accent... Where did I go wrong?!

My hair is a bit of a state and I’m too fat to be seen in a bikini but I really fancy him. Shall I go or not? Do they have hairdressers there?

Can you borrow Lady Jaquinta’s red bathing costume? It’s only a bit mothballed round the crotch.

Don’t forget to take your birth control pills though or you’ll cry and go red and people might call you a purple sprouting brocklehurst!

Beautifulmaudohara

I want to get my organ into Morgan!

doadeer

Do your boobs collapse under your armpits when you lie down?

Are you Tory somebody... Maxwell?

In my mind Tory and Taggie are the same, except Tory is fat.

Oh my god, in my head, Caitlin, Flora, Fenella and Perdita are all the same person!

And Tabitha!

Chatons

Except Taggie is beloved by everyone and poor Tory has ended up with a grumpy husband and such strange dark children!! 🤣

Did Perdita end up with Luke? I always thought he sounded nice... Tanned with freckles and really muscley!

Yes and poor old Tory got cheated on and he did come back because he loved her, but it also helped that she became beautiful to him by way of losing 3 stone from a suicide attempt and she looked all lovely and frail and bony...
Luke was fabulous all round. Attractive, strong emotionally and physically and monogamous!