Malteaser cake recipe - help a Catholic out

[Lunawuna]

Help on an Ecumenical matter please So I've been dipping into the world of traybakes - I can make a pretty respectable caramel square (nice, thick, chewy caramel!) and Mars bar crispy square, but I need a good recipe for Malteaser cake.

I tried the BBC Good Food recipe the other day and it didn't have that lovely feeling of your pupils dilating with the sweetness of it all like a good traybake normally has. Am I doomed to never get it right because of my lack of Prod blood? Help! How can getting the right ratio of digestive biscuits, butter, syrup and chocolate be so hard?!

I'm normally a good baker! Honest!

...and as an English exile - has anyone ever found proper buttermilk and soda bread flour to purchase here?

Ladies, I have a caravan in Portballintrae...

Ladies, I have a caravan in Portballintrae...

Well we can safely say you'll not get up to any mischief there! Although you never know what goes on in those sand dunes beyond dog walking...

@GiveMyHeadPeaceffs yes, but are you INSTAGRAMMING it all sufficiently for your north down mum friends? Does it all really exist if you don’t?

Ooh I know of loads of scandal from portb back in the day those sand dunes saw the action all right.

True story. When I was wee our church stopped doing a Sunday school trip to Portrush because some young'uns were caught playing the 2p Mini and Maxi machines and the penny drop machines in Barrys. Having been warned against the evils of gambling, clearly they had given in to temptation. Instead we had an annual Sunday school trip to a church hall in another town to play The Farmer Wants a Wife and In and Out those Dusty Bluebells in a different church hall, and feast on Mars bar and apple sandwiches made by the ladies of a different church!

@Eve I used to live in Scotland and while we could get buttermilk, it wasn’t so widely available - there would be one solitary tray of it in among all the multiple trays of various types of cream - although rarely whipping cream either actually, that was another thing I missed. But I digress...

Anyway, it wasn’t the same consistency as proper buttermilk - more like yoghurt. I had to use more than I would here as it definitely didn’t go as far. I guess I could have tried to thin it out with regular milk, but I never tried.

Reading that post about the husband out helping the floozies, brings back great memories of Thursday nights in the union in Queens when the Christian Union would be out giving us tea and penguins (no tray bakes mind...), and all my friends doing their best to either 1) talk about sex with them
a lot or 2) turn them to the dark side... good times. 😂

You could always do some home school science and get the kids to make butter out of cream then you'd have buttermilk

‘The farmer wants a wife’

A game yes, but also subtle indoctrination. Think of all those piles of money under thon farmer’s mattress.

My cousins had a big thing about Portballintrae. There were always slightly knowing nods and an air of satisfaction when they informed us where they were going that weekend. It was because of the swingers then?

@Peonyonpoint of course it's all on Instagram! #makingmemories #livingourbestlives #gin

Back in my day if you didn't have Benetton emblazoned on your chest you were a no-one...

And what about aul dirty stopout Mr Nesbitt...I'm dying to get north and hear all about it

In and out the dusty bluebells.

I'm having some sort of traumatic reaction here.

We had barbeques on public beaches. Nice non contact games like rounders. Extra points if some poor bastard was being chucked in the sea for some baptismal action

And what about aul dirty stopout Mr Nesbitt...

Who has confirmed that he and his wife, TV lovely Linda, are living separately! The scandal.

I realise this is a very long shot but here goes. My grandma used to make a marzipan traybake for me back in the 1970s. Does anyone know where I might find a recipe for that sort of thing?

@isabellerossignol I know, the scandal!!

I remember them announcing that she was preggers on air...

Dirty aul stopout...

@GiveMyHeadPeaceffs has another NI politician been caught out? Hes not FreeP though is he?

@BeatrixPottersAlterEgo as far as I know there was a certain, um, relaxing of formal relationships...

As kids we were essentially feral and frankly couldn't have given a shit! Plus, I wasn't a "blow-in" I was actually local

@Altuve that sounds the ticket!

I'll take BeatrixPottersAlterEgo's advice and do my best to get in the zone to see if that helps. I better hide the May Altar poster to Our Lady that the wee boy had to make for his RE lesson yesterday first though...

As an N.I. Prod I wasn’t aware that tray bakes were part of my heritage, but I am strangely drawn to them

If we substituted the wine and bread in communion for ribena and a tray bake sure the places would be packed out.

Today I’m going to try lemon squares from the traybakes and more site.

@Tashtegotoo what else was in it? Mincemeat?

@Eve not Free P, they try not to have fun but it's hard for them

I have heard of this mythical ‘local’ in portb but didn’t realise they were a real thing! Wow.

@Tommorrowsanewday good girl, now d’ye see how the lord works in mysterious ways?

I was always told that the Portballintrae locals lived under the dunes, and when it was a full moom they'd come out and dance. You had to appease them with sandwich bags full of Aunt Sandra's fudge