I cannot do this until September, I just fucking can't

[Elmerrrrrrrr]

The press conferences today with Raab and Sturgeon saying it won't be safe to reopen schools any time soon have just sent me into a tailspin. I'm at home with a 3 year old on. Both dh and I are lucky enough to have jobs (for now) but we still work a 40 hour week and both of us have constant calls and meetings. It is impossible to work around ds. Neither of us can be furloughed as we are paid from public funds. We live in a 2 bedroom flat with no garden. I'm used to seeing my mum 3-4 times a week and ds cries every day because he misses her. Every day is relentless and we are working until midnight and getting up at 5 to fit everything in.

I can't do this until September. I just cant.

@Mightymurphy I can’t. I am only surmising and have never claimed to be “in the know”.
From reading between the lines of what Nicola has been saying, from talking with head teachers & teacher friends, I think it’s highly probable.

poster Elmerrrrrrrr Tue 05-May-20 20:20:09
And we were all very happy before this thank you. In normal times I love my job and have worked hard for it

Either read the thread @rosskemp or just go away. You are not helping.

Bare in mind that Sturgeon was talking about Scotland. Scottish schools break up on June for their summer break or early July and go back in August, not like the latter part/end of July like England.

This may mean it's possibly not worth/viable to send Scottish schools back where as English schools would have an an other month before summer holidays start, making it more worthwhike/likely for a return befire summer.

I've no idea what will happen where and when like any of us but just hang in to that hope.

OP, you are completely understandably losing it and as a result you are missing how much power you have over your employer.

If they really do ‘need’ you at your work 40hours a week, then they can manage your week to suit you. Morning meetings or afternoon not both.

Be assertive. Your manager is not moving because she knows you will give in. Say it is your way or you’ll be off sick.

At times like this, employers need to be flexible. They are mostly in no position to play hardball with WFH employees. Generally they are short staffed due to sickness and are in no position to easily recruit. So, get in the mindset that you have power here - tell them exactly what hours you will be available to work. Block out periods of the day where u will not be available for calls or meetings - let the managers manage and co-ordinator co-ordinate. If your presence on a call or meeting is critical they will accommodate and reschedule. Meetings/calls can be recorded so its always possible to catch up if needed.

MrsJoshNavidi, here,

You need to make the risk assessment in your head - what is the bigger risk, getting/spreading covid from seeing your mum or your mental health breaking down.
I made this risk assessment for myself and considering my mums household was locked in and mine is, I now see my mum 2 days a week for help with childcare. People can judge all they want but I knew my mental health would break if I didn't.

If my mum lived near by I would do the same so don’t blame anybody for doing it.

@Elmerrrrrrrr i hear you. Me and DP both work full time as well, our DCs are a bit older so will entertain themselves to an extent, but my youngest in particular is much more anxious than usual and has become extremely clingy so I have several meetings with her sitting next to me in tears waiting for me to finish. It's just not possible to work and look after children simultaneously and it's worrying that some work places aren't realising that.

I'm quite a pessimist and when the schools closed I assumed it would be until September, so I went through the first two or three weeks crying every day, not sleeping, etc. Because I went through that stage earlier I think I've now got to a sort of sad acceptance phase.

It's not possible to do everything and do everything well. I would guess that your colleagues know you're good at your job which is maybe why they haven't realised just how difficult this all is. I'd bet that even people without children aren't working anywhere near as productively as normal - people will have uncomfortable work spaces, anxieties about the virus, and lack of motivation.

Keep talking, on here, or to friends, family, etc and take one day at a time.

Try being a single Mum with severe physical disabilities as well as chronic fatigue, and a child with autism & severe behavioural issues (suspected ADHD and other severe MH issues) AND being in this situation whilst being responsible for all cooking, cleaning, supermarket shopping (not just with a child, but a child with ASD which makes it really distressing), playing, schoolwork and being 'smiley, happy mummy' like we all try to be as Mums. It's hell.
(School can't take my child as she doesn't yet have an EHCP - long story!)

My point? You CAN do it. It's hard for all of us, in many ways. But try be grateful for the small mercies you have - one of which being your partner. Not just to share the load but another adult to be in lockdown with.

I am so so incredibly lonely, distressed, in pain, shattered, stressed out, angry & short tempered and have nobody to talk to about it besides one quick daily call to my shielding Mum who frankly, could barely care less.

One thing is for sure. A 100% guaranteed FACT... an epidemic is not cured through frustration and boredom.

You May be fine if you break the rules, however you may kill others.

Why can't people get this ?

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel

Very helpful thanks. Move on.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel

At what point have I said I am breaking the lockdown?

OP, it really is impossible working properly with a child around. I am working full time, grateful to be in a job but trying to give attention to 2 ds’s who are primary school age.

I have been thinking myself about taking unpaid parental leave to have a break and focus on them.

See what the government announces on Thursday. I believe they will need to make an announcement about schools soon, I don’t believe that furlough could continue past the end of June.

Until then, getting through each day at a time is the most important thing. We have 2 bank holidays this month.

I'm with you op. We have two DC at home and we're both working 40 plus hour weeks, trying to meet the demands of work and two schools while also just trying to survive, shop for our parents and support them in their isolation. The most irritating aspect of this is our parents are retired teachers, they could help but they are over 70 so not allowed. We've not seen them since mid march and the DC are now seriously misbehaving because we can't give them the attention and they need their extended family. A child is raised by a community not a single couple. I have taken leave, work split days and various hours but it's not sustainable.

I am hoping schools will phase back from June. Primary and nurseries are needed but can only safely do a couple of days. There is no reason why lessons can't be streamed online. Secondary schools should be streaming lessons online now and attendance should be compulsory.

We cannot do this for much longer. I am already showing signs of burn out. I'm not sleeping, panic attacks, crying, stressed and feeling very overwhelmed. DH's mental health is also deteriorating each week. It has to reach a point where the risks to the economy and the overall future wellbeing of our children and population have to be considered over the death rate. I know this is a dreadful thing to say and I have family members who are both old and young but having to be shielded so I'm very aware of what the consequences might actually be.

If my DD was in this situation, I would be taking my Grandson every day so you could both work. You can’t carry on like this, it’s breakdown inducingly stressful and combined with a lack of sleep it’s unsustainable.
This is the 5th week of not seeing my 8 month old Grandson and I know I can’t do this for much longer, going from having him 5 days a week to not at all has been so hard.

I'm sorry you are having such a crap time, op. I 2nd giving your mum a call to see if she would be willing to come over a couple of days a week. Failing that, I would hire a nanny for some of the time.

Does your boss know about the history of poor mental health? This may be the to open up a bit. Once you have had space to consider the options, lay out to her the possible options. I think that anyone that has to resign from their job during lock down will be treated with understanding in the job market after this ends.

I had some periods of really poor mental health when my Ds1 was small. It is so awful and my heart goes out to you.

I’m in the same boat OP having to work in a very busy public sector role - both of us, with an 18 month old. What kind of public sector are you both? I’d be really surprised if you weren’t able to get support or come to some kind of arrangement with your hours - even if not significantly reduced, then alternating shifts or something. I do feel you though as it’s very hard whatever you do, and I can’t wait until we can access some kind of childcare again.

You don’t need to think about until September OP. Just think a day at a time, an intervention at a time. For now, you’ve taken a week of annual leave (as long as it’s granted.) that will help so much! Forget about until September, start thinking of things you can do for you and your family now/next week. What do you like to do? Are you getting out for excercise? Could you visit your mums garden while they stay inside and chat through the door/window while your son plays around? Don’t be tricked into thinking you are failing. Sounds like your and to ur DH’s workplace need to cop on to real life here, and realise that health comes before business. You matter so much and you are your son’s world- he is going to love having some time with mummy!

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel but it’s not made worse by frustration and boredom either? We’re allowed to feel shit sometimes! It’s a shit situation.
@Elmerrrrrrrr are you quite a concsientous person generally? I ask because, while that’s a good thing normally, it’s also fine in these circumstances to not be all the time as well. For example, if needed turn your computer of, play with your child and then later apologize profusely and explain that you had internet connection problems - you can’t do this all the time but in emergencies... likewise if you have long meetings sticker over camera = your cameras not working, microphone on mute and you can listen to the meeting while playing with your child etc etc. or take a sick day (perfectly justified because poor mental health counts too but I get the feeling you’re reluctant too whilst I can guarantee you some of your more childless colleagues will pull sickies for less)

And in normal times I wouldn’t advocate any of that but if these aren’t normal times and if your work aren’t going to be flexible then...

Also worth speaking to hr if your direct mnager isn’t understanding

There is no reason why lessons can't be streamed online

There are lots of reasons. Which is why it doesn’t happen.

@Mightymurphy I can’t. I am only surmising and have never claimed to be “in the know”.
From reading between the lines of what Nicola has been saying, from talking with head teachers & teacher friends, I think it’s highly probable.

Before the schools closed Nicola Sturgeon said that one of the reasons for holding off was because once closed the schools would likely be closed for a long time, and that she couldn’t promise they’d be back before summer. John Swinney said recently that schools would most likely be closed until summer. It’s not been a secret. I’m planning to have the kids off til August, if they’re back before then in any form it’ll be a bonus.