Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I cannot do this until September, I just fucking can't

384 replies

Elmerrrrrrrr · 05/05/2020 19:09

The press conferences today with Raab and Sturgeon saying it won't be safe to reopen schools any time soon have just sent me into a tailspin. I'm at home with a 3 year old on. Both dh and I are lucky enough to have jobs (for now) but we still work a 40 hour week and both of us have constant calls and meetings. It is impossible to work around ds. Neither of us can be furloughed as we are paid from public funds. We live in a 2 bedroom flat with no garden. I'm used to seeing my mum 3-4 times a week and ds cries every day because he misses her. Every day is relentless and we are working until midnight and getting up at 5 to fit everything in.

I can't do this until September. I just cant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elmerrrrrrrr · 05/05/2020 19:55

Dh is in the same situation as me and tbh his work are even worse. His parents are much older so we couldn't stay with them sadly

OP posts:
Potterspotter · 05/05/2020 19:56

If it’s any consolation, 2 mums in my family still getting help/babysitting from grandparents - everyone is being very careful but neither mum would cope without the relief, if locking down completely is causing serious MH issues there has to be some balance.

itchyfinger · 05/05/2020 19:57

Could you have this chat with your boss? I have 4 year old twins and work PT (DH full time) and at the very beginning said "look, I will not have the time for (insert all pointless work things here - a million zoom calls, reports that dont matter etc). I have 2 small children and my husband also is working." once they realised the reality of my situation they were completely sympathetic and I am left to do the most important bits of my job.

The fact is OP that you cannot both work full time and look after a 3 yo. You just cant. It's why childcare exists.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 05/05/2020 19:59

@trumpisaflump (great name btw!)....I also said or towards the end. We’re the same date too. I do want them back as my DD is due to start P1 in August....but I don’t see it happening.

diazapamdependent · 05/05/2020 19:59

There are two of you to one child. It doesn't help you but it could be worse !!!

You will have to find a way to take turns. Could you both take a day holiday/ wk for now. then you have only three days to cover... then some kind of shifts. You need to talk to HR and so does your H.

You have my sympathy to an extent... I am doing what you are doing with two kids and without any other adults - single parent. It's like utter torture/ hell. I am literally on my knees

Heartlake · 05/05/2020 19:59

You're entitled to take unpaid parental leave in one week blocks. Why don't you and Your DP take a week each separately to care for your DC and see how you feel after that.

It's unreasonable for you to be'on call' all the time for work. Ask for meetings to be planned at least 24 hours in advance so that you can deal with your days better.

Make a flexible working request.

Each take your DC out for an hour during the day for downtime or peace and quiet.

Don't be afraid of having cbeebies on a lot.

You can do this, you have to, think of what you can do, rather than what you can't and you'll get there.

TryingToBeBold · 05/05/2020 19:59

Many people are preferring to use relatives (under 75) to continue childcare in that it could be less risky sending them to nursery with at risk key worker children.
And yes anyone can take a mortgage holiday

Original poster
Elmerrrrrrrr · 05/05/2020 19:59

It doesn't help that no one else I work with has kids

OP posts:
NoSoapAndGory · 05/05/2020 19:59

OP - you are doing a difficult job under incredibly difficult circumstances.

Mental health is so precious. You need a break and a plan, whatever that is.

Are your managers approachable? Could you discuss some time off with them, or shorter hours?

Are you on medication already? It could do you good to speak to a mental health specialist?

GentleParent · 05/05/2020 19:59

Not much advice - but solidarity and sympathy, OP. My husband and I are both trying to do very full on jobs with a 2 year old. Both self employed. I have a deadline looming and am like a zombie from working so late into the night - it's becoming self defeating. We're trying to work in shifts, but we both feel like the other is getting more work time / more sleep etc.

In the long term, your mental health is so much more important. Are you able to say "screw it" a bit more with work? Can you have a more frank conversation with them about how many hours you can do? They MUST accept that you have caring responsibilites. Just not turn up to some of the zoom calls? Maybe do some internal video calls with your child on your lap - which might help some people without kids to process what it means to have a young child in your "office"?!

HouseTornado · 05/05/2020 20:00

It sounds incredibly tough, OP, and I agree with others: if all other options aren't possible, you need to talk to your manager.

Can you write an honest email telling them how you feel, but with some practical ways to deal with things? That way you are in control of the conversation. Make it clear that things aren't great, you are committed to work, but things need to be reviewed now. Get DP to do the same.

I'm at home with a particularly stressed 9 year old whilst trying to finish my PhD (before the money runs out). I'm finding the lack of quiet time increasingly irritating!

KickAssAngel · 05/05/2020 20:01

Are you still having to pay nursery? I hope not.

But - if that means you have some spare money could you:

  1. Pay your mum to take him for a couple of hours a day.
  2. See if any of the nursery staff could take him for a few hours
  3. Negotiate reduced hours for a few months.

Any of those could help to ease things a little.

xcxcsophiexcxc · 05/05/2020 20:01

Literally had to do a double take to make sure i didn't write this in my sleep.
Also parent of a 3yo in a flat with no garden whilst both me and my partner are working fulltime. my job needs like 60+ hours a week and its starting to cause tension.
Hoping very much restrictions are loosened a bit so we can go to the in laws and use their garden etc

GentleParent · 05/05/2020 20:02

Ah - just seen your last comment. OK - I think you need to break down for them what is demanded of you during the day by your caring responsibilities. They likely don't understand. And your husband needs to have a difficult conversation with work too - it's not just your problem.

I saw someone the other day with a signature at the bottom of their email to the effect of: "Due to the pandemic, I have caring and home school responsibilities, so please bear with me if I am not able to get back to you immediately". Could you do something like that?

Ursaminor · 05/05/2020 20:03

Please let us know when you've got your mortgage holiday. Just get that done - then you will feel like you have options.

nostaples · 05/05/2020 20:04

You and DH need to draw up a schedule so that you each have a couple of hours where you're full time with DS, you're each working but 'on call' for DS (so not doing meetings) and you're each having a couple of hours meeting time (ideally when the other one takes DS out). That makes it manageable. It's unreasonable to expect you to have meetings all day unnannounced so you need to get organised and take control. Say to your work, 'I can do meetings from 10-12' only today. There is no point in both of you being interrupted by DS and it is right and proper that DS should get some proper uninterrupted care too. You will find you work more productively if you do it like this.

viewfromthecouch · 05/05/2020 20:04

I think nurseries will open in a phased manner, too, and will prioritize key worker children initially. Like schools are doing now.

Chewbecca · 05/05/2020 20:05

I think you need to speak to your work. If I were your manager, I would want you to.

I have people working for me who have childcare responsibilities, they block the time out in their diaries. Some time is made up early / late but I have been clear that it is not essential to make every hour up. We only work 35 hours to start with but I am happy for an hour or so a day to slip and would be open to more if the individual was struggling in the way you are and spoke to me.

sweetheartyparty · 05/05/2020 20:05

I'm desperate for the nursery to open too, its absolutely shit and getting fed up and angry with it all. I'm just really worried about the economy so I hope this doesn't continue for too much longer.

viewfromthecouch · 05/05/2020 20:05

If your mum isn't vulnerable and not isolating, any way she could take your DS during the days? If you're both working from home, and your mum isn't going out, that might work a few days a week.

wanderings · 05/05/2020 20:06

Are you listening to the ordinary people, Boris?

This is one reason of many why we need to put pressure on the government to start easing measures sooner, rather than later. They think we're "OK" with it, when many people really are not.

It is totally and utterly unfeasible for the lockdown to continue for months in its present form, for a whole host of reasons. It's understandable that measures need to be eased gradually, but people need some sort of return to normal. People need it for their mental health, and the economy needs it, otherwise the much-deified NHS will cease to exist, because there will be no taxes to fund it.

We need to write to our MPs to make our voices heard on this. On social media (including Mumsnet Angry), the pro-lockdown voices are overwhelming, because anybody who dares say otherwise is branded a murderer. There is a certain silent majority who are suffering, but dare not speak.

Mikki2019 · 05/05/2020 20:06

I honestly take my hat off to parents of young children at this time

Mine are older (youngest is y6) and it is only because they are motivated to do their schoolwork and are pretty happy to let me work that I have coped (ish)

I am apart from my dp As we live apart for children reasons and it’s getting harder every day . Just can’t see any light at end of tunnel now .

Mikki2019 · 05/05/2020 20:08

Yes Boris - please hear us ! How can this be right for the next generation

Good idea I am going to write to my MP def

rvby · 05/05/2020 20:08

OP you need to take a break. It has to happen, otherwise you're going to break. Get sick leave or a week of unpaid parental. It's that or you're going to end up sick/off for even longer in the end.

Get the mortgage holiday if that's needed - why not?

Start saying "no" at work. What are they going to do, dismiss you? - they'll pay through the nose in a settlement if they even try. As long as you are doing most of your work, some can slide or not be done perfectly, some meetings you can have the minutes forwarded to you - you can't do everything and they can't expect you to. We're all operating under extraordinary circumstances, which means allowances simply have to be made.

You have more power here than you realise. Take back some control and things will start to improve.

Dougt · 05/05/2020 20:08

I feel for you OP.

Its utterly untenable. We hear about opening schools as parents “need to get back to work” but what do they think we are bloody having to do, we don’t have a choice. I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old, was due back from maternity leave last month and I’m working 3 days a week including Saturday (even though this is not a usual working day) and taking a day annual leave and a day unpaid leave at the moment, but I still end up needing to join calls on my days off sometimes and it’s just impossible. DH is doing the same, so we only get Sunday off together but weekends are hardly the same.
Because nursery aren’t charging full fees it’s actually affordable for us to take some unpaid leave.

Like everyone I’m doing a crap job at everything - parenting, job, house constantly needs cleaning and tidying as we are home all the time.

Can you maybe take a few weeks sick leave and then do what I’m doing? Your employers need to be flexible about all this. Try to get a telephone appointment with your GP to get signed off for a bit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread