I cannot do this until September, I just fucking can't

[Elmerrrrrrrr]

The press conferences today with Raab and Sturgeon saying it won't be safe to reopen schools any time soon have just sent me into a tailspin. I'm at home with a 3 year old on. Both dh and I are lucky enough to have jobs (for now) but we still work a 40 hour week and both of us have constant calls and meetings. It is impossible to work around ds. Neither of us can be furloughed as we are paid from public funds. We live in a 2 bedroom flat with no garden. I'm used to seeing my mum 3-4 times a week and ds cries every day because he misses her. Every day is relentless and we are working until midnight and getting up at 5 to fit everything in.

I can't do this until September. I just cant.

OP, first . You are not alone in feeling this way and your feelings aren't invalid because other people have it worse.

I feel for your OP, and everyone struggling on this thread.

I wonder if we're all hitting a wall this week? We had a horrendous day today with the kids and work and stress, and the strong hints that lockdown is going to stay with only a very slow lift of restrictions is clearly a way of trying to keep us complying when we are beginning to lose resolve. Unfortunately it's the feeling of not knowing when it will end, and of not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel that compounds the feelings of stress and hopelessness.

We have 2 small children, 4 and just turned 2, and both DH and I are trying to work. Thankfully I work PT, but DH works crazy hours. I'm finding it incredibly hard to juggle everything. I absolutely screamed at my 4 year old today, he was howling too. It was such a low moment. I felt so out of control.

In your situation OP, it sounds like you're spiralling a bit at the moment. It's hard to break out of that but recognise that you are in a spiral and that it will have to run its course and you won't feel like this forever.

Realistically, you will not be in this position until September. Even if schools don't open properly until then, other options will become available much much sooner, especially for a preschooler.

Is there any possibility of your son going to your mum's during the week? Mon-Fri and staying there with her and the rest of the family then spending the weekends with you? Obviously you would miss him terribly but it's not forever and it may be better for you both trying to work, and possibly more enjoyable for him (assuming there are adults there who are able and willing to look after him and are not trying to work as well). It does mean mixing of 2 households but it's only 2 journeys per week and if everyone is limiting their exposure in other ways it's going to be minimal exposure? Just trying to think of solutions.

What I am saying is that this doesn't work logically. When you have a mental illness the brain doesn't say oh be grateful for what you have others have it worse. It simply doesn't help

You're absolutely right, it doesn't help. Unfortunately loads of people lack emotional intelligence and don't realize this, and will think that somehow they're helping you. Try to ignore them

I have 2 young DC and I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. We don’t even have a garden. It’s awful.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to try to help and I really am sorry if I caused any offence or came across as aggressive

Elmer, the news of three more weeks minimum has shocked me today, it is very distressing, your case is worse than mine by far.

Some people do go on mumsnet and reject all suggestions/act aggressive when asked questions. You’re not doing that at all - you come across to me as reasonable and understandably at the end of your tether with the situation.. If I was you I’d take the advice that is helpful to you, ignore what won’t work (even if it’s well intentioned posters don’t know all the details of your work/life etc so some suggestions won’t work) and definately ignore the people kicking you when you’re down. And enjoy your leave next week

You can still get leave like furlough even if you're pjs with public funds it just means that the employer must pay it rather than the gov paying it again. They would have to agree to it tho but just tell them you can't get the work done. What are other people doing in the company you work for?

Others don't have kids so they are managing pretty much as before

What the fuck is wrong with some of you? Have you read the thread? OP doesn't need a pissing contest of who has things worse or who's doing the best - she needs some fucking empathy. If you want to have a billy big bollocks party between yourselves why don't you fuck off and start your own thread?

OP I am so sorry you're feeling like this. Be kind to yourself you are doing your best. I hope your holiday gets approved for next week and you can try and get your head together. I understand it must be so hard without your mum but admire your reasons for not seeing her given her own home situation and how many people potentially are involved. It's fucking hard. Hang in there

I'd suggest that you look at the soft options a first step and see how you feel about that (annual leave even for one day a week / being a big more bolshy with work / mortgage holiday). Then see what the next announcement brings. If it's still unmanageable, then I think you have to go to your mum. Seems that the real risk is her household transmitting to yours, not that you're putting her at risk. Make that calculation - you sound close to the edge and your mental health is probably the greater threat to you at the moment.

@rossKemp This is not the moment for that kind of comment. I am now ashamed to say that I might have once upon a time, and in a different universe, thought something this smug. I hope I wouldn't ever have expressed it to someone who's struggling, though.

@Elmerrrrrrrr
I would dearly love to be able to wave a magic wand and make it all better for you. I would also love someone to do the same for me. I'm struggling so much with this lockdown.

All I can offer you is a virtual hand-hold and an assurance that there are others who are walking the same horrible path as you, albeit perhaps in slightly different ways. There is no way around the fact that it's a living Hell. It's all very well to say you should "take a mortage holiday" or "realise how fortunate you really are" or some such - but while a mortgage holiday might be helpful, temporarily, it doesn't begin to touch the real problems.

All you can do, OP, is keep on keeping on. So many of us are doing the same, and we know how hideous it is. We just have to wait for things to get better. They can't always be like this.

I’m sorry for everyone that is struggling -
I’m not sure there’s a category of people that is having a lovely time and it feels the way it feels. Idk maybe it’s high times for secret trysters judging from the news!

On these threads, I wish people would post that they too are having an awful time without making comparative statements.

I’m sure I’m lucky and envied by some people I know IRL - still hanging on by a thread though.

I hope you get the annual leave and some more understanding from your firm @Elmerrrrrrrr

@Elmerrrrrrrr some are, some people I know are struggling with loneliness/feeling useless. It’s hard to compare (personally as a single parent I think I would be struggling more without my son although it’s impossibke to know) but purely from an efficiency at work perspective it’s definately harder for parents overall. There are so many vRiables though it’s hard to compare and not very healthy to try (not that you specifically are). I also have never understood why knowing other people have it worse is meant to make me feel better anyway, it makes me feel more sad

I hear you x500000
Two kids. Both me and DH are exhausted.
I am in a role which has been massively effected by covid. I worked all weekend and work is like a tsunami in volume. I have never seen anything like it in my professional life. It simply not possible to not be available for calls given how senior I am. But equally our company has been financially hit so we have already taken a sizeable pay cut.
DH works for a company who is likely to go bankrupt in the next few weeks. Children are primary age and basically feral. Emotional and couped up.
We are 95% certain we all had covid right at the start and so therefore are more relaxed that others about the impacts of the disease (it must be terrifying for others)

@DianaT1969 (think I've tagged the right person) childminders have the same rules as nurseries and only allowed to look after keyworkers children when they can't be looked after at home. Or vulnerable children

Regarding mortgage holiday, I did this and it took two minutes online. It only asked for names and roll number. The bank confirmed this within 2 days by text, followed by a letter through the post.
They don’t take into account your earnings or job role.

And take leave paid or unpaid with a mortgage holiday. Your employer has to allow childcare.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Try to take one day at a time - if you think 'this is it till September' you'll panic. Just do today. Or 'till lunchtime' or get through the hour! We, none of us, know what's going to happen. Even the government doesn't know. By September it could have mutated and pretty much disappeared. Or it could be stronger, or spreading again and we have to lock down for much longer. We could have effective treatments keeping it well at bay, or we could have discovered it's more serious than we realised. There really is no point in speculating or thinking beyond the next very short while.

You CAN do it. You (we) are already doing so much more than I'm sure any of us could have imagined. If someone had told you at New Year what your life would look like right now, would you have had a massive panic? Of course you would. We all would. But we are all doing our best and adjusting.

You need to sort something out as it's not possible to have a 3yo home & work FT.
Some ideas:-

• what leasedaudi suggested (one of you works early morning to mid afternoon & swap over)
• ask work for reduction of hours perhaps 80% of your hours so take a day off?
• DH to take some days off but one day a week
• you take some days off or perhaps half days?
• move DS to a childminder. The ones where I live are still operating for key workers
• your Mum has DS couple of afternoons but takes him out for a long walk rather than taking him home. So he's not mixing with lots of people. But she's 53 so younger than the age group being mentioned in the press (lots of grandparents are late 60s)

I think you would bs better spacing your days off rather than taking a full week. With support from your Mum you might be able to do say a day a week off.

Definitely consider a childminder. Essentially it is not sustainable & anyone would struggle.

That sounds so hard op

You said you don't think you'll get a mortgage holiday, but have you tried?

You chose to have a child and also to live in a 500 sq. foot flat.

I pity the people who have put everything they have into a business to see it ruined by this lockdown.

Thanks zen i'll go back in time and predict a global pandemic. Really helpful and kind of you thanks so much.

@ZenDay ffs engage your brain before you post will you.

You said before everyone has it hard. That's it really true. My dcs are older and it's easier. Don't dismiss how you feel you are in a hard situation. Is it possible to see the gp and go on sick leave for a few weeks, just to get a break from it all?