DD's first period, do I tell her dad?

[MillieMollieMandi]

I'm really torn! DD said she didn't want to tell him as it's embarrassing but should I tell him?
I want to keep her secret but it also seems wrong to keep him in the dark about his DD's milestone.
I also want to give him a heads up re the bad moods, stomach aches etc and he can understand what's going on.
I'm not sure id like to be kept in the dark about my children but then it's really DD's private business and not mine to share. Would you tell?

Everyone will have different opinions on this one and it really depends on your family dynamic.

If you, your dd and dh have never openly talked about anything to do with periods, cramps, sanitary protection etc, hers or yours, it will have become a taboo subject already and not surprising she is sensitive about it.

If she is younger 9-12 I would tell her you need to let her dad know so he can support her if you are not around, but not to worry as he's not going to congratulate her!! If she is older and with a stock of sanitary protection/paracetamol capable of dealing with them herself then keep it to yourself.

Please, people, have a think about the type of thread this is and the warnings we've had lately before you share personal details.

If she hadn’t specifically told me not to say anything I might mention it (I don’t think it needs a grand telling) out of habit because partners share stuff. But she dosnt want him knowing and it’s her body. Not a case of embarrassment but just a non issue it happens to all women - would she announce she’s been to the toilet or brushed her teeth. It’s only a milestone to her. You know so you know there’s no concerns re starting so there is nothing husband needs to know. I don’t remember telling my parents, specifically I started. I just took the pads from where they were kept. I used to ask my mum (or would have with dad) for tampax and she wasn’t like omg I didn’t know you started just got them because it’s a normal thing to need. Although I was a late bloomer so if I didn’t know what to do when I started I would have asked. The only reason to tell her dad would be if you were separated and she stayed there he would need to be prepared

I have mixed feelings on this. On the one hand, of course your DD's privacy and body autonomy should be respected.

However, she's still a child and actually I do think that key issues relating to health and development should be shared by both parents. If DD asked me not to tell DH I'd be trying very hard to make her understand that while she absolutely does not have to discuss it with her Dad and there's no need for it ever to come up, he should know what is going on. I mean, at its simplest, I imagine this is a basic medical thing that doctors might ask - ie is she experiencing puberty - in the case of an emergency or illness situation?

For those of you who had your mother blasting it all over the neighbourhood, that really isn't okay. Just as she shouldn't be blasting the news of a girl's first bra or the need to wash DS bedsheets after his first wet dream.

I do think we need to make periods part of normal life. I don't hide them from either DD or DS and we aim to treat it very matter of factly. I was quite surprised to discover how many of DS' friends, particularly the boys, are completely oblivious.

Lweji so where does the girls own autonomy fit in to that?
This is not about actions, but knowledge. She should be able to choose what sanitary protection she prefers, but whether she is having periods, constipation or a fever, she should be aware that both parents should know about it.

But since she has asked her mum not to tell her dad, @Lweji, what should the OP do? Which is more important - the dd’s right to bodily autonomy and her need to be able to trust her mother, or the dad’s need to know?

As I said earlier, I do not think the OP should betray her dd’s trust - but there is no reason why she can’t talk to her dd, and explain why her dad might need to know she’s started her periods - and tell her dh when she has her dd’s permission.

@Lweji or next time she has a problem with someone she feels is personal like constipation or a UTI she might not tell her mum as she'll be worried she'll break her confidence again.

I took myself to the GP at 15 with a UTI as I couldn't face my mum's reactions. Other children will have done and do the same.

@Lweji i hope with that attitude you'll never have daughters. Cuz nothing worse than having no trust in a mum who has no respect to her daughters private business.

@NerrSnerr this really touched me deep. I never tell my mum anything for the fact, she doesnt keep anything from my dad. Its horrible to feel that way at that age... Very brave though

No, don't tell him, or anyone else. Really pisses me off when parents are cavalier about their children's private business.

I was in hospital recently with unexplained bleeding and my mum asked if she should tell my brother. Er, fuck no!

Periods are not an illness.

I was in hospital recently with unexplained bleeding and my mum asked if she should tell my brother.

You were not a child and your brother wasn't your dad, so... your point?

But since she has asked her mum not to tell her dad, @Lweji, what should the OP do?

Read my first post.
If you object to it, let me know why.

No you shouldn't tell him if DD has asked you not to. She will be reluctant to come to you with any other issues if you do this. It's not a "milestone". Just something that happens to every woman and should be treated as a perfectly natural event. Encourage her not to be embarrassed. I wouldn't buy into the stomach cramp, mood, spots either. Just wait and see what happens and deal with it kindly and without fuss. Surely he has the wits to work some stuff out himself anyway??

I think you should tell him - but not in secret. I quite clearly remember saying to my mum not to tell my dad because I thought it was embarrassing - she very simply said that it’s nothing to be embarrassed about and that she will tell him because its ok for dads to know, men do know what periods are it’s not a dirty secret. I was fine with that. Looking back I think she handled it and explained it really well.

Apologies @Lweji - I missed your earlier post (I saw it but didn’t register the poster’s name) - clearly we agree, so I am sorry you found my post offensive (I get the impression I upset you).

Well surely he’s going to be expecting it and figure it out on his own eventually.

I am sorry you found my post offensive (I get the impression I upset you).

I didn't on both counts. Don't worry. I just wasn't in a mood to write it again.

Worrying is my main skill. I’ll have to find something else to worry about now!