DD's first period, do I tell her dad?

[MillieMollieMandi]

I'm really torn! DD said she didn't want to tell him as it's embarrassing but should I tell him?
I want to keep her secret but it also seems wrong to keep him in the dark about his DD's milestone.
I also want to give him a heads up re the bad moods, stomach aches etc and he can understand what's going on.
I'm not sure id like to be kept in the dark about my children but then it's really DD's private business and not mine to share. Would you tell?

Your daughter needs too understand the normality of periods, my concern is that she thinks it is embarassing. There is a lot of mileage in bigging up the celebratory aspect os starting periods, even in the early 1960's our Mums said this is great it is a sign you are becoming a woman and your body is doing all the wonderful things it will be cabable of. I am sad girls and boys are embarassed in this way. You should not exclude her dad. She will learn with your help it is not an embarassing secret

The pp o was responding to was talking about flagging it up but spoke in a way where the onus was on the girl to tell the dad in the first place or how could he possibly know.

They should not need telling

They shouldn’t need telling that their daughter will start their periods at some point, no. However not everyone is organised enough to have sanitary products at home at all times. What age would you suggest parents go out and buy a packet of sanitary towels to keep in the bathroom just in case? If a mother doesn’t have periods for whatever reason then she might have to go out and buy sanitary towels the first time her daughter gets her period, I don’t really see how this is any different.

But then as I said, it was a massive non event in my family because I’d been well prepared for it and I have a great relationship with my dad, so I am probably a bit biased. I must admit, I don’t think he ever had sanitary towels at his house though, I brought them with me in the same way that I brought my own shampoo and deodorant. But if I had needed them unexpectedly then he would have gone out and bought them without batting an eyelid.

I’m concerned that so many people feel that a young girls body privacy doesn’t belong to them - it’s really sad.

He’s an adult. He will know that she may get her period soon. He won’t be surprised if he sees blood in the toilet/sheets ect..

The first thing we should reach our young girls is that they have autonomy over their bodies. If they don’t want to discuss something that is happening to their body it should be their choice.

Periods are not embarrassing. There is a huge drive in secondary schools supporting this. The girl obviously wanted to get her head around what’s happening to her own body before everyone else was ‘notified’. She should be afforded that dignity if she wanted it.

Trust is so important in a young persons life - in anybodies. If some one told you something and you said you wouldn’t tell but later on found out they had and even expressed that they didn’t let on - how would you feel? As an adult you would feel betrayed and trust would go - for children and young people it’s the same.

There are loads of posts on MN from.mums and occasionally the odd dad asking for advice/recommendations of what to get in ready.

If anything it would seem most people on here are over prepared not under prepared.

I'm extremely disorganized but certainly I got a pack in just In case figured if it sat unused for a year or 2 it was no big deal.

You can't bank on going out to get then when necessary as they might need it at school or in the middle of the night

The first thing we should reach our young girls is that they have autonomy over their bodies. If they don’t want to discuss something that is happening to their body it should be their choice

Absolutely. But we also owe it to them to help them unpack why they think a normal bodily function is embarrassing and give them the tools to deal with that.

The first thing we should reach our young girls is that they have autonomy over their bodies. If they don’t want to discuss something that is happening to their body it should be their choice.

I agree with this 100%. I find it quite shocking that there's a number of mums on here who told the dad against their daughter's wishes. I wonder how many of these also told extended families etc. Periods are noting to be embarrassed or ashamed about but it's still the individual's right to decide who knows about it!

Absolutely. But we also owe it to them to help them unpack why they think a normal bodily function is embarrassing and give them the tools to deal with that

We can give the poor girl a chance to get her head round it first though cant we?

We can give the poor girl a chance to get her head round it first though cant we?

I kind of think it should happen way before she gets her first; IME the transition to menstruation is far easier if we give them the tools in advance

Absolutely. But we also owe it to them to help them unpack why they think a normal bodily function is embarrassing and give them the tools to deal with that

But that should be done at the girls pace and not yours.

And why are we putting the onus on the girl who could be as young as 8/9 ?

Means nothing if your dh is someone who needs a heads up. Or the boys you raise are amongst the ones shaming the girls at school.

The request for privacy is a response to that not an unawreness it's a normal function.

@MarieQueenofScots great to see ur ex was preparing. Other men also know.

I think it is of extra importance for separated fathers to play the role of the father and mother. Meaning both should be expected to normalise the case and have a heads up conversation about it to break the ice before the daughter gets her period. The mother starts and prepares to answer all detailed question... Once thats done, the father can have a brief heads up "i prepared a box for you for when u need it in the future, let me know when u need a refill"

Having said that, when the daughter gets her period, it is her decision who to share the news with.

I kind of think it should happen way before she gets her first; IME the transition to menstruation is far easier if we give them the tools in advance

Well yes but as with most things in life the reality is very different to the theory.

I still don't understand why this is even a question tbh. She said "don't tell him" so just don't. Can't women and girls have anything, even periods without angst over how The Man should be considered?

I started my period aged 10.

I was not embarrassed. I never have been.

I still did not think it was fair or right of my mum to broadcast it to all and sundry. My body, my choice as to who to discuss its workings with and when. My body is mine and is not a discussion topic for others.

I kind of think it should happen way before she gets her first; IME the transition to menstruation is far easier if we give them the tools in advance

Which I expect goes on in most house holds. It has in mine. But if any of my dds asked that I didn’t mention it to my DH I wouldn’t have. As it’s actually none of his business. My eldest never even told me, she was well aware of what was going to happen, she just asked me to get some san pro. She’s a very private person where I suspect my middle one will rather dramatic about it.

I think dads need to and should know about these things.

I don't think you should tell him in secret.

IMO, you should explain to her why it's important that he knows and if it's not in anyway shameful then it should be ok for him, or anyone else to know.

He's not a random stranger. He's legally responsible for her too.

Why is it important that he knows? Serious question.

As important as the mother knowing.
If it's something one parent knows, then the other should know too. Particularly as it has to do with a child's development and health.

We don't keep a child's school grades a secret from any parent, nor illnesses.

And I think it's important that the child knows that parents are a team too, in what concerns them.

But theres nothing to be done with the Info .

Presumably the mum has now equipped the dd with san pro and they just carry on as normal now. It's not like telling someone a baby is walking which requires a whole new adjustment of parenting in that the baby now needs more supervision as they no longer stay put.

This was by about presenting some Kind of team effort this was about protecting a dad from potential giveaways and his precious constitution couldn't handle a spot or two of blood should he put his boxers in the laundry basket

This is not about the parents feelings. This shouldn't be about preventing an argument in Tesco when the mum.puts a pack of towels on the trolley and he cries " why didnt you tell me aaaaahhh"

Not everything has to be some group event

Lweji so where does the girls own autonomy fit in to that?

It’s not the same as school grades and the point that he should know just because the mum knows is weak.

Do you think a dad would say to his ds mother that he was now having wet dreams so she needs to check his sheets incase they need cleaning?

Because that would be classed as his personal health. And also if the dads knows so should the mum?

What’s the line where you would stop? What if your ds started masturbating? Would you expect your ds father to tell you as that’s personal health development. Maybe you could prepare by leaving some tissues by his bed?

It’s all totally normal but why should boys be allowed to have that privacy but not girls over their body.

As important as the mother knowing. If it's something one parent knows, then the other should know too. Particularly as it has to do with a child's development and health

I do not think this is more important than her autonomy over her own body and who knows what about it. I'm genuinely surprised that people think this. It's not a health issue. It's a physical development at an age when she is old enough to decide who should be told.

If they don’t want to discuss something that is happening to their body it should be their choice.

Absolutely...this is so important. I'm not embarrassed of my periods at all but I'm also a generally private person and that's fine. It's her body and her choice who knows.

If it's something one parent knows, then the other should know too. Particularly as it has to do with a child's development and health.

I couldn't disagree with this more. If the child is old enough to make the decision themselves who to discuss things with them it's up to them if they don't want it to be passed on.

It's a physical development at an age when she is old enough to decide who should be told

This

I am surprised by how people have reacted to this and it has really made me think. DD is only 3 (this week) so it's not an issue but my gut reaction when I read the question was, of course I would tell DH. Perhaps it's because our DCs are all little and I tell him everything at the moment and questions of something being personal and 'their info to tell' don't really occur.
I think now that if she asked me not to tell him I wouldn't .

No! My mother told my father and I still feel.uncomfortable thinking about it 33 years later.

She really does need to learn to not be embarrassed by periods, but it is understandable that as it is all new, she is a little embarrassed too. I wouldnt make her feel silly for feeling that way.

As for telling her dad, that really is her decision. I was made to tell my dad and I hated it. If you make sure she has a supply of pads, and maybe some paracetamol/hot water bottle in her bag when she goes to her dads then there'll be no need to break her confidence