DD's first period, do I tell her dad?

[MillieMollieMandi]

I'm really torn! DD said she didn't want to tell him as it's embarrassing but should I tell him?
I want to keep her secret but it also seems wrong to keep him in the dark about his DD's milestone.
I also want to give him a heads up re the bad moods, stomach aches etc and he can understand what's going on.
I'm not sure id like to be kept in the dark about my children but then it's really DD's private business and not mine to share. Would you tell?

No.

Talk to her and say that he should know for a variety of reasons.

She will be moody and maybe get spots he may comment on.

Don't marry an arsehole that's going to comment on his own daughter appearance

He may find blood in the washing basket if she leaked and gets worried what’s going on.

Most adult men would be able to understand what blood on pants/trousers is.

He may find used pads in the bin and if he knows that you are not on your period it will come out anyway.

It isn't something that will 'come out' - and decent father would see them in the bin, close the lid and carry on with their day. It's not a big family event ffs.

Who is marrying all these men that need to be told about their daughters periods because they might find a pad or a bit of blood? Seriously?

I agree embarrassment around periods is learned behaviour.

Not wanting to tell people and being embarrassed are not the same thing.

Not wanting to tell people and being embarrassed are not the same thing

Of course. However the OP’s daughter said she didn’t want to tell him because it was embarrassing.....I was referring to the info we get in the OP.

Why does she need a reason not to tell him? She doesn't want to tell him. She doesn't want her mum to tell him. That should be more than sufficient.

I find it a bit sad that periods are seen as such an embarrassing thing that people are still upset or bitter about their parents telling people 30 years later. They are ‘inevitable’, and to me agreeing to not tell anyone almost reinforces the idea that they are some sort of secret, humiliating milestone. It wouldn’t even have occurred to me for my dad not to be told when I started my periods (at 12, so a sort of middling age) as he clearly knew it was going to happen at some point and it would have seemed far stranger not to tell him. I also needed very different sanitary products to my mum, which we used to ask him to buy sometimes after a shift... maybe I was just fortunate though.

I would gently explain to her that her Dad is going to realise soon anyway (especially if he does any laundry, emptying the bins or shopping), and reiterate to her that it is nothing to be embarrassed about but that she doesn’t have to talk to anyone about it. As a compromise, could you suggest saying to her Dad “I imagine X will be starting her periods quite soon; I think she’s a bit worried about the whole thing so if you notice anything could you not mention it to her unless she says anything to you.”?

Of course. However the OP’s daughter said she didn’t want to tell him because it was embarrassing.....I was referring to the info we get in the OP.

My mistake.

I find it a bit sad that periods are seen as such an embarrassing thing that people are still upset or bitter about their parents telling people 30 years later.

It's not the subject matter that still hurts after all those years, it's the betrayal. If you ask your mum not to tell someone something you expect her to agree. It's not a safeguarding issue so all those mums had no reason to break the resist and confidence their daughters gave. None of them feel bitter because they are embarrassed about their periods, they feel bitter because their mums didn't put their feelings first.

Break the TRUST (not resist)

It's not a milestone. She didn't pass an exam to get it. It's a a natural part of growing up. He doesn't need to be told like it's a major achievement. Leave the poor girl alone.

Gotta love it that when a girl starts her periods the first thought is about the dad

Poor man can't be expected to figure it for himself, or remember basic biology and not he frightened or weirded out by an accident...

Let the poor girl deal with it before everything becomes about the man ffs.

She will tell him if or when she wants to.. he doesnt need a heads up lest she becomes less than perfect with her moods and her spots. I mean come on...

It's not the subject matter that still hurts after all those years, it's the betrayal. If you ask your mum not to tell someone something you expect her to agree. It's not a safeguarding issue so all those mums had no reason to break the resist and confidence their daughters gave. None of them feel bitter because they are embarrassed about their periods, they feel bitter because their mums didn't put their feelings first.

No you are quite right. I think I was more thinking along the lines that generally the ‘bigger’ you see something as the more hurt you are that your confidence was broken. So for me to still be upset years later it would have to be something monumental that was disclosed. I obviously wasn’t very clear though.

It is potentially a wellbeing/safeguarding issue for girls who have separated parents though, surely? If a girl of 11 or 12 goes to stay with her father for the week or weekend and unexpectedly gets her period while there then she is going to need some sort of sanitary protection and might not be able access that on her own. I work in education and if I (somehow!) ever found out that a girl had been reliant on toilet paper/cloths etc for a whole weekend because her father didn’t know that she had started her period and she didn’t want to tell him then I would flag that up to someone.

@SarahTancredi hahah couldnt have said it better.... The attention shifted from emotional support to the one whos going through hormonal changes, mood swings, potentially physical pain or discomfort... To suddenly be a milestone we bake a cake for and announce to the dad just in case he sees spots on her face, or leakage on a panty!!! As if he cant connect the dots!!

If she has asked you not to tell him, you must respect that. It's her choice, if she wants it to remain private, that's her decision. She obviously does not want something that is extremely personal to her being openly discussed, just keep it to yourself.

I work in education and if I (somehow!) ever found out that a girl had been reliant on toilet paper/cloths etc for a whole weekend because her father didn’t know that she had started her period and she didn’t want to tell him then I would flag that up to someone

Why done not expect men, to be prepared. I mean any father if daughters should have stuff ready at his house surely? If it's there she can just use it? Its surly like providing food or a plate to sleep.

Place to sleep

Weird typo

I don’t think that you should tell him unilaterally, but I would encourage her to agree that it’s OK for him to know and not a big deal. Because dealing with periods for the first time is quite hard enough without simultaneously trying to keep it a secret from another member of your own household: flushing the loo again and again to get rid of the Japanese flag, squirrelling away stained pants instead of just rinsing them out and hanging them on the towel rail to drip dry, pulling your mum away into a corner to let her know you’ve run out of sanpro. It just makes for unnecessary stress for her.

Why done not expect men, to be prepared. I mean any father if daughters should have stuff ready at his house surely? If it's there she can just use it? Its surly like providing food or a plate to sleep.

Perhaps in an ideal world, but that won’t always be the case. My sister started when she was 10, if she’d have been older than me or the only girl then I don’t think our dad would have put a packet of sanitary towels in the bathroom ‘just in case’ as she was so young.

Any man who needs telling , well frankly they probably wouldn't do anything of use with the Information anyway , all the more reason not to waste time telling them and just bring their own stuff from home.

Expect the selective incompetence is is why they are an ex..

I mean any father if daughters should have stuff ready at his house surely?

Absolutely. And he did.

DD's periods brought with them immediate issues which as her father and anothe primary carer he needed to know. Obviously this won't be the case for all children, but there are genuine cases where a father will need to know.

In this instance though there are no reasons.

Men never usually have trouble making comments about the time of the month should you dare be annoyed at them for anything

Its certainly unfair in this instance to go against what the dd has asked and I'm surprised that a post about female biology can become all about a man.

The pp o was responding to was talking about flagging it up but spoke in a way where the onus was on the girl to tell the dad in the first place or how could he possibly know.

They should not need telling.

Men know all about biology when they wanna look at porn on the internet.

They know all about periods when they can use then to make derogatory comments.

They know how young puberty can kick in when it comes to labelling inappropriate boys behaviour as " typical boy" stuff

I dont buy that they cant figure this out. Plenty of male primary teachers will have a stash of stuff should a girl need it at school. Those kids arent even theres.

I think.its sad that periods are seen as something that men either need a heads up about incase they accidently see something. Or something men cant possibly be expected to cater for on their weekends with the daughters and need to be told/reminded to provide basics.

I agree Sarah. But its also not true to say "a man shouldn't need telling" when there are occasions when it is appropriate for him to know.

I mean when we separated DD was 8. Ex-H dropped me a message and said "going to get some san pro in, can you give me a heads up about what's good/good to avoid". Perfectly reasonable to ask IMO.

I absolutely agree men shouldn't be surprised/ill prepared that their daughters get periods; just also when men do need to know for any reason that isn't a sign of their shortcomings!

I would def tell him and tell him not to let on that he knows.

Thats completely different though.
He was getting some in..he disnt need telling to prepare was just checking he got the right ones. I certainly wouldn't be annoyed at that. And if your dd was happy for him to know then fine.

But not all dds want their dads to know right away and that should be fine too . It's the first one let her figure it out first