I have just finished bullying my 7 year old son

[LaCitrouille]

I’m feeling like the most awful mother on earth at the moment. My 7 year old used to be a star. A textbook good boy. Always praised by friends and teachers. He’s turning into a nightmare recently. Told someone in school last month that He will punch them in the face! When the teacher rang I was shocked and sick of what I heard. His behaviour is deteriorating and the terrible attitudes are showing up every day.

I’ve been trying to analyse and find a different way to correct his behaviour, I’m listening to all videos and podcasts on positive parenting. Whenever I’m out I’m always getting him a treat to encourage the good behaviour. Made time to play with him and spend quality time. Lots and lots of praise and compliments. I have another 1.5 year old who’s really really hard work too. I still didn’t recover from PND and I push myself to keep calm and not yell. But I do . I yell a lot. I hate myself for it. I grew up in an abusive household and I DO NOT WANT the same for my children. I should be in control and should stay calm, but why I’m not.

Yesterday I was feeding my toddler and I knew there are so many chores that need to be done, I sat my DS for 15 mins and told him that He will need to do the SPaG set by the teacher, reminded him about all the necessary rules, locked the door so his brother doesn’t disturb him. I kept on asking if he’s finding it accessible and him telling me yes. 90 minutes after, I found he did only 1 page. There are 7 more. He doesn’t care. He went on online games instead as I’ve already deleted all the games on the iPad. I yelled and screamed and went upstairs crying for a good 30 minutes. Why the hell can’t I just put him in time out rather than ruining the rest of my day?

He came up and apologised to me non stop. He wrote a letter telling me that he will focus and do the school work and and and ... Today we checked and the teacher set him 10 pages of maths, 6 Spag and 2 writings... all accessible and fair for his level. I reminded him about his promise and sat next to him while entertaining his little brother. He worked and answered the full page speedily. I left him with his dad who works at night and needs to rest so he can barely look after DS2 and is generally crap at homework anyway. I went out for a walk and walked in the supermarket, when I got back I found out that he did literally nothing! I was hoping that he’d finish the maths at least then we can have a break and do something fun. I lost my shit! I discovered that he can go on the App Store and download the deleted games without a password. I told him that I’m so disappointed and definitely not proud of him. I told him that I wish such and such were my children instead. I was mean and rude and awful. I told him that he’s a liar and a sneaky one. I said horrible things now my ears are about the explode. I’m disgusted of myself. He cried a lot but I carried on and on and now I regret it and I don’t know how to repair the damage.

*abuse like this

@LaCitrouille I've noticed you've mentioned death/not fearing death at least three times. I think this needs to be addressed first and foremost

Isn't it Easter holidays now? Keep the school routine where possible, let him enjoy his Easter break and stop expecting so much of him. Structure your 'school' days better so you both know what to expect.

My kids are 15. 14, 14 & 11 and they are all getting more supervision than your 7 yo. These are exceptional circumstances. If there is a moment when the baby has a nap do the work then. He needs you to be there all the time.

I told him that I’m so disappointed and definitely not proud of him. I told him that I wish such and such were my children instead. I was mean and rude and awful. I told him that he’s a liar and a sneaky one. I said horrible things now my ears are about the explode. I’m disgusted of myself. He cried a lot but I carried on and on and now I regret it and I don’t know how to repair the damage.

I hope someone heard and reports you to social services. You are abusing your son. You are damaging your son for the rest of his life. You are changing who he will become as a person. He will remember this FOREVER.

Hi, that was a very honest post, and you’re gonna get slated for it! But to answer your actual question without abusing you (some of the previous comments are rotten)... of course you can make up for this, you’re not a horrible person, you just lost your cool big time. Have a grown up conversation where you explain you are learning to be a teacher at home now as well as a mum, and yesterday things went really wrong. Explain what you felt when you realised he hadn’t done the work by himself. Tell him you don’t want him to fall behind on schoolwork because it’s really important otherwise he will have an awful lot of work to do when he goes back to school, and you don’t want that, you want him to have fun and enjoy his friends and hobbies once we can all go out again,

Ask him what he thinks would help him to concentrate on the homework. All kids test boundaries, and your kid is testing yours, but also he probably isn’t ready to work unsupervised so in his defence, slacking off probably didn’t seem like the crime of the century. If he doesn’t have any ideas, I would suggest you make sure you spend the day with him today, and observe, make sure he does little bits of work but don’t badger him. find out the issues - it boredom, having better things to do like playing, getting stuck, being lonely and not having a work partner...

My DD had some successful online sessionS where I found a friend of hers and they did their work whilst chatting on FaceTime on the iPad. this mimicked how they work with a partner at school and they got a lot done. You could try that,

My DD likes a structure but not a timetable. We agree what she will attempt to do every day - I run through the work in overview and give her easy tasks when I’m busy with the baby. I also gave her an old iPhone so if she gets stuck when I’m not in the room, she can FaceTime message over WiFi to ask me to come and help her. I let her choose some activities (“so, for maths today, do you want to do the multiplication activities or the online quiz. And shall we do French today and Geography tomorrow or the other way round?”)

In short, the best way to undo the damage is discuss it in a fairly adult way, admit your shortcomings, ask him to cooperate with you so you don’t have another horrible day like that again, and then be a model parent for the foreseeable.

Make sure he gets lots of activity during the day. Ideally fresh air. If he can’t sit still while he is working let him jump around, but next time it happens encourage him to finish his current sentence/task first, and the time after that encourage him to wait for a recess in 5 minutes and so on. This way he learns to delay his impulse to stop work whenever he feels like it.

I would also tell him, separately, that you’d likely him to help round the house - being given responsibility often helps. Ideally something physical and fun. My DD gets a kick out of occasional chores like steam cleaning the tiled floors, or washing windows/the car, digging in the garden. Feeling helpful, knowing you are expected to be a useful member of the household, achieving something that pleases your mum...it is healing for both of you.

Op there are lots of different medications. You will get side effects but seriously can they be any worse than what you're living with now?

Oh lovely. Today is a new day. Yesterday was shit, write it off.

My 9 year old is really struggling with the lack of friends at the moment (as am I to be honest) and we have all developed serious cabin fever. Tempers are fraying and we are needing to keep noise down because DH is a key worker and on many calls a day.

A few things we do are

• baking - dd reads the instructions, measures ingredients, most of it under my supervision and then we clean up together (like skills!)

• write letters to family and friends (writing and spag)

• dance around like crazy people (pe)

• 20 minutes reading time on the sofa, both with a real book, under a blanket with popcorn

• watch a movie then write a report on it.

• many many crafts

• get outside each and every day. Without fail. We go for a walk or a bike ride. Of I don't get out I feel my anxiety and depression nibbling.

• do mindfulness together. There's a set called mindful monsters with activities designed for kids and I'm happy to send some ideas.

• yoga together, cosmic yoga is ace. In my job I do it daily with children aged as young as 18 months.

• we have an app where dd can play online games and chat with her friends so they are together for an hour or so each evening playing Roblox or Minecraft. We also video call and the parents have wine together while the kids tell random crap at each other.

• set up a video chat group with friends. 2-3 evenings a week one of us takes a turn to host and we do a quiz night and a chat night and our book club.

We all need support at the moment. You are clearly depressed and need a little TLC so be kind to yourself. Please give your GP a call, try a new anti depressant. There's no more shame in needing help with your mental health than me needing extra steroids for my asthma at the moment.

If you need to chat please please PM me.

Balancing the needs of a 7 year old and a toddler is tough at the best of times. Throw in everyone's world going to hell in a handcart and many of us are going to get close to the edge.

This morning give your kiddos a big hug, put on some music and dance together! Eat biscuits for breakfast and take a breath!! You will ALL be fine.

I am currently receiving treatment for PND. Medication and CBT although that isn't going as planned at the moment due to lock down. The turning point for me accepting antidepressants was when I lost my temper with my baby. He was screaming as babies do. And I felt myself getting so so angry. Why couldn't he just go to sleep! I yelled, he cried harder. I gave him to my husband and I've never been more upset or disappointed in myself. I've been on my medication for 5 weeks now and I feel like a different person. A weight has lifted from me and the way I feel about my child is so so different.
Please get the help you need. You don't have to do this alone and if you keep going this way the damage you do might become irreparable. Don't expect too much of your son, these are strange circumstances and you can both only do your best with regards to homework. Some children will manage more as they thrive under the circumstances and some will manage less as they don't. You can both only do so much.
Please get a telephone appointment with a doctor, it's very important.

Oh and yes, at first ADs didn't make me feel great and I was wondering why I'd ever agreed to take them but they are having such a positive impact now I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Op I'm sure it's been said but, I'm not putting any pressure on my 7 year old.

The main focus is to get children though this without being emotional scared by fear.

Lessen up on the work, if I had got a page out of my 7 year old I'd be thrilled!. I have one highly achieving dc who I never ask to do hw and no 2 makes up the jing and yang.

I always bartered work for screen time with older when she was about 8...do x and get half hour screen time...

But otherwise just relax, teachers will have to go through all this again.. Just do enough to keep him ticking over.

I also bribe my younger occasionally! With sweets..

Blimey OP you are abusing your son.
You lock him in his room.......(how often do you do that?)
You smacked him
You call him terrible names

You need to take a step back. Drop the homework. He is 7. Play games with him. Cook with him. Just stop abusing him please.

@Beansandcoffee
He was not locked in his room - just the door between the dining room and the living room closed, and it was a glass door.
He was not smacked but given a snack.

I don't think comments such as "If you were a bad mum, you wouldn't be beating yourself up over this" are helpful. It's actually quite common for abusers to say "I'm a bad partner/mum/dad, aren't I?" when they want someone to ease their guilt.

Blimey this was a bit of 'telegram' game wasn't it - from closing the glass door of the dining room and a snack to chopping his head off and feeding it to the gulls.

It's not great yelling at your kids (nor chopping their heads off) so try to think what set you off - it sounds like a combination of things that came to a head.

There are no saints on here - not a single one. You lost it big time, no nice way to say it but it sounds like you just snapped. I am very mild-mannered but if I snap I really have 'the rage' (have done since I was a child). I haven't snapped at DS (no I'm not a saint), but that's me (I am butter with kids).

You have taken a bit of a wrong turn somewhere - frustration and anxiety don't help. I read it as your DH isn't very hands-on and there is a toddler to look after too.

Have a think about the type of parent you want to be - and the types of things that your parents did as a child that you found scary or upsetting.

It sounds as if you are trying to fit a full days work, unsupervised into his schedule, and I don't think that's what the teachers intended. This is the holidays anyway where I wouldn't expect too much to give anyway a that age.

• Kids that age can't concentrate on school work for that log - maybe 20-30 mins? (any teachers around can confirm this).
• That age can't really work completely on their own
• A child that age can't be expected to resist the lure of the iPad
• Have you tried to find out why his behaviour was off last term?
• do you manage any 1-2-1 time with him doing something nice or fun?
• does he have any little jobs to do around the house? Its good to keep everyone busy just now!
• be clear about what you want him to do workwise and talk him through it - don't expect him to be able to do everything the teacher has set him.
• set a time limit for the ipad - so x minutes a day/week - and its just one of the things he does/play with.
• maybe try some projects with him - making things out of lolly sticks or painting plant pots - anything to get him to focus on something not screen-based.
• Is there any way you can have some time alone?

A teacher relative always tells us that kids need structure and a predictable (if not sometimes boring) homelife - no fireworks and drama. The odd 'hey grab your shoes we are going to the cinema!' is nice though (obviously not now).

Draw up a timetable on a whiteboard (let him tick off the tasks and clean the board down).

Talk to him about what happened and why you think it was - ask him - gently - if there was a reason why he didn't do the work, how can you help him with it? What does he want to do with mum?

He was probably looking forward to the holidays and lockdown can be a bit crap really.

You sound too emotionally immature and self indulgent to be a good parent. Running upstairs to have a good thirty minute crying session? Seriously?

Your little boy gets to see you screaming at him. Verbally abusing him. He sees you hysterically crying. He sees you out of control. These things have scarred him and speaking from personal ext, those scars never fully heal.

OP the fact you are reflecting on your behaviour and asking for help shows you are a good mum. It’s the ones who don’t give a shit that aren’t.
As others have suggested ease off the school work, at 7 there’s nothing too pressing that can’t be caught up on. Watch a film together and focus on having fun over next few days, then start again with 20 min blocks where you can fully supervise him, don’t put the temptation in front of him. My DS is 14 now, he still can’t be left unsupervised with a screen without deviating from his work.

In my opinion that's too much school work for you to supervise with a 7 year old and outside a formal classroom even the "good" kids will wander off mentally. Teaching is professional for a reason. I don't think my year 5 has some remotely that much, far less unsupervised.

Kids can misbehave. Even the "good" ones test a boundary or two.

Chuck the books and work in the bin for now. Let him soak into an online world if that's what comforts him. Say sorry. Find small windows to reconnect and reassure him.

You do seem to be repeating abusive patterns so please try to get support.

I understand dad works at night but what did he say about DS having done nothing? If dad knew that DS was expected t do some work I would have expected DS to have been cajoled into doing some of the work by him.
Working at night with kids indoors is hard, but that doesn't mean dad gets a free sit on your arse pass.

And I felt myself getting so so angry. Why couldn't he just go to sleep! I yelled, he cried harder. I gave him to my husband and I've never been more upset or disappointed in myself

Seriously what is your husbands deal? he was in the house when this happened and didn't intervene until you handed the baby to him. That is really shitty on his part, you were clearly struggling.

Does he understand that he is also responsible for them or does he believe having a job is all he has to do?

@lilmishap don't worry! All this happened over a few seconds. He didn't know how I was feeling until I yelled and then very quickly handed a baby to him. He's very helpful and more than pulls his weight. We're both working through the best way to help me with my PND but he is great. Back in the days when we were allowed outside he would often look after him on his days off to give me time to myself etc. When I first had him I'd lost a lot of blood and was so tired, he did every single night feed so I could sleep.

Give him a break
Do not lock a 7 year old in his room
Try to count to ten rather than shout

Tomorrow is another day
Dont expect him to sit for 90 minutes
Find short ten minutes to supervise him in the day
If that s one page a day so be it

Encourage reading and watch some educational programs
Long term He will be affected more by living in a shouty house ...he will copy your actions
Apologise to him
He will have time later to catch up on school academics
Reading is most important to focus on

Can't believe a 7yr old would do 10pages of maths at school let alone at home. My 8yr old, we do maybe 2hrs max of the official school work, then the rest of the time we might do some craft/art, go for a walk, he's plays with his Lego or goes on Roblox. Main thing is he's happy and healthy, loved, during these awful times.